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female sub with question about bdsm clubs - 5/19/2010 7:59:58 PM   
belladeth


Posts: 9
Joined: 5/19/2010
Status: offline 		I'm new to this website and I have a question.

I'm a young woman who is dating the love of my life, a wonderful woman who I plan to be with forever. We started exploring BDSM shortly after we started dating, she is the perfect dominatrix to my eager submissive. She is several years older than me and has had some prior experience in BDSM and much more sexual experience than I do. I have no BDSM experience prior to this. She has stated time and again that she wants to let me experience everything I want so that I don't have any regrets or resent her. I love her to death and could never want anyone but her, I plan to marry her and be loyal and monogamous to her.

Recently I have become interested in going to BDSM clubs. When we first started talking about this, she seemed okay with it. interest in the subject grew, I am interested in going out to these clubs regularly (once a month or more) and perhaps even participating in a scene once or twice. Like I said, I have no BDSM experience prior to this and have developed some exhibitionist desires.

I feel as though I could partake in a scene or two with doms at these clubs and relish the experience, and cherish the memories. I feel as though once would be enough and I wouldn't feel the desire to continue to do it. I love my girlfriend so much, I would never be able to meet anyone I love more than her or want to be with more than her, I would never leave her or cheat on her.

She, however, is convinced that I will want to keep playing with others and she feels she would be way too jealous to share me, even once. Especially if it was with someone we would continue to be friends with.

How can I convince her that it truly could be just once and I would never look back, that she would be allowing me to experience my fantasies and desires and that I would love her all the more for it, and it would not pull us apart?

Can anyone give me any advice on this?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: female sub with question about bdsm clubs - 5/19/2010 8:10:09 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Lemme get this straight.  She wants you to experience everything, and you want to stick with her only.  Then next thing, you say you want to play at a club, and she gets jealous?

I'm not going to go there, but I suggest that the two of you attend a club together.  And watch only.  After you get home, discuss.  Did you see anything you'd like to try?  Are there people there you'd like to get to know socially?  And finally... how would each of you feel if someone else topped you, or she topped someone else?


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to belladeth)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: female sub with question about bdsm clubs - 5/19/2010 8:22:07 PM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline 		Since BDSM clubs are new to you, why do you want to play with other people?  Why not just play with her, since you are new to the whole BDSM thing anyway?  It seems like a big step to try it for the first time, and immediately want to play with strangers.

It would probably be more meaningful for both of you if you lost your "BDSM club virginity" to her, rather than to some Dom that you never plan to play with again.

(in reply to belladeth)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: female sub with question about bdsm clubs - 5/19/2010 8:22:31 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: belladeth

How can I convince her that it truly could be just once and I would never look back, that she would be allowing me to experience my fantasies and desires and that I would love her all the more for it, and it would not pull us apart?


Truthfully, I don't think you can promise that.  Especially that part about never looking back.  You're talking about something that you've never experienced before.  How do you really know that this wouldn't be the most eye opening thing that you've ever encountered in your life?  It's entirely possible that you might get this one taste that you're asking your partner for and then you find that the one taste isn't enough.

Is there a reason that the woman you love couldn't go with you to the club or participate in the scenes that you wish to experience in some way?


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to belladeth)
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RE: female sub with question about bdsm clubs - 5/19/2010 8:25:30 PM   
January


Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline 		Hi bella,

So why can't the love of your life be the one to Top you? Why would you need a Dom to scene with?

What am I not understanding here?

January

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]




(in reply to belladeth)
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RE: female sub with question about bdsm clubs - 5/19/2010 11:51:10 PM   
LPslittleclip


Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline 		have your partner go with you and see what it is that intrests you and see if she would like to learn how to do it to you. the B/both of Y/you may learn to enjoy it. as far as being jealous i was the first time i saw my mistress play with another and i had to accept it and progress in my relationship.

_____________________________

proud to serve the awsome
LadyPact

(in reply to January)
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RE: female sub with question about bdsm clubs - 5/20/2010 7:44:17 AM   
belladeth


Posts: 9
Joined: 5/19/2010
Status: offline 		Maybe we're wrong and there really is nothing to it, but this is a complex issue that we've been dealing with and going back and forth on so I was just looking for a little outside advice.

Yes, my girlfriend and I want to be with each other only. However, there are things I would enjoy being able to experience before I die (the best example of this is being double penetrated. I've never experienced it before, and it is something I would love to try once.) I would never have pushed the issue, but she has been insistent that she doesn't want me to miss out on anything that I might regret, anything that would cause me to resent her for keeping me from experiencing. So we've come to an agreement that we will have others into our bed once in order to try that, but not until after we've gotten married. I have told her countless times that if she's not comfortable with it, we never have to do it, but she does not want me to resent her for missing out on anything.

In terms of the BDSM clubs -- I do not know if I will enjoy them, and there's a chance I'll hate them. I know that I've idealized them in my head from reading people's profiles and writings on Fetlife.com, I expect these clubs to be something amazing and wonderful and they probably won't live up to what I have in my head. I do want my girlfriend to top me, I want her to be the one who shows my body off and all that jazz.

HOWEVER, my girlfriend believes that going out to these clubs is so important to me that if she wasn't willing to go with me, I'd eventually cheat on her and find other people to go with. She ALSO believes that if we go to these clubs, my interest in "playing with others" will grow to the point where I will want to be having casual play on a regular basis or be in an open relationship or a poly relationship or anything besides being monogamous with HER. She believes that there is a good chance that by watching these people play with each other, my interests are going to swing that way and we won't be compatible anymore.

I've been honest with her and told her that yes, the idea of playing with someone else once or twice has it's appeal to me (maybe I'm wrong, but I am intrigued to experience domination from someone who isn't the sole love of my life, someone who doesn't have a romantic and intimate attachment to me.) This interest is partially fueled by hearing about her previous BDSM casual experiences -- it turns me on to hear about sessions that she had with Doms. My experience is only with the woman who loves me and treats me like a princess even when I'm tied up and tortured. Part of me wonders about experiencing D/s from a less intimate relationship standpoint. And this interest has sort of gotten tangled in with the interest in playing with others in a club setting. So all these desires that I have/fears that she has are kind of jumbled into one big thing.

So her end of it is: she wants to be strong enough to let me experience things that I might regret missing out on -- but she is insecure to the point where she believes I'll cheat on her if we don't go to clubs (because I will want to go so badly) or I'll cheat if we do (because I'll turn into a poly casual kinkster.)

Here's my end of it: I am monogamous by nature and I LOVE my girlfriend. Whether we had men in our bed double penetrating me or she was allowing me to be topped by a Dom in a club or at home, anything involving other people -- it would only be for me to want that experience to have once and seriously to never look back. I know the kind of person I am -- I know that I want to be married and be monogamous and not be having casual sex. The above mentioned desires are something I would like to explore once or twice but I could never turn them into lifestyle changes.

I understand about going out to a club once and observing. But I can't do that unless my girlfriend isn't believing that I'll inevitably end up cheating on her. Right now her mindset is such that us going to clubs with absolutely lead to my casual/poly interests growing to the point where it's bad for our relationship. She also doesn't think that we can just skip going to clubs, she is convinced my interest is so great it'll lead to me going without her and cheating. This is not a good place for me to be in -- I need her to stop being in this mindset and trust that we can just go to clubs and enjoy ourselves, and if it ever DID come to the point where we considered playing with others, that it would truly just be once or twice.

Therefore I am looking for advice on how to convince her (before we start going to clubs) that nothing bad will happen and that whatever does happen, I will always be her princess and never want anyone else, even if I was to fulfill my above interests at some point in time.

(in reply to LPslittleclip)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: female sub with question about bdsm clubs - 5/20/2010 7:52:25 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		The good news is that you two are talking.  The bad news is that you seem to not fully trust each other's feelings and drives just yet.  Hopefully you're still new to each other and the trust will come.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to belladeth)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: female sub with question about bdsm clubs - 5/20/2010 8:06:25 AM   
January


Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline 		Hi bella,

I'm still pretty confused. You call yourself monogamous, yet you want to live out a fantasy involving others?

At first I was thinking maybe you just wanted to "play", not have sex. In which case some folks would not call that cheating. (I would... but I'm not you, and I'm not the love of your life). But now you talk about double-penetration? I think that's sex. Yes?

You want the board to help you convince the love of your life that when you cheat, it will only be that once or twice, or maybe three times, to satisfy your fantasy. And since the cheating would be just once, or twice, or maybe ten times, it wouldn't really be cheating, and so the love of your life should support you in your exploration.

I can't offer you any help on that front, because it think it's wrong.

My advice? You should break up with her. Sow your wild oats. Enjoy your fantasies. Your playing. Your double penetration. Then afterwards see if you really are as monogamous as you claim. You can't have your cake and eat it, too. Your plan is manipulative, self-centered and lacks integrity. I won't hep you do it.

I also think that the love of your life verbalizing her worries about not letting you indulge is overly dramatic, and has created the whole problem. If she wants monogamy, she, as your "dominatrix' should demand it.

January



_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]




(in reply to belladeth)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: female sub with question about bdsm clubs - 5/20/2010 8:15:51 AM   
rideemwet


Posts: 93
Joined: 6/12/2009
Status: offline 		I would suggest this approach:  Go to a bsdm club, but approach it with the attitude that you're going in order to find what she likes, and what excites her, and what she wants.  If she wants you to experience other things, then you should be able to do that because its what she wants, and if she wants you to enjoy yourself and try other things, than keep her involved in what you like/dislike.  For example, if you agree that having a dom do X to you is something to try, get her to help pick out the dom.   You'll both learn more about each other ... and that should improve your bond/trust/relationship.

_____________________________

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

Huh?

(in reply to January)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: female sub with question about bdsm clubs - 5/20/2010 9:04:32 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline 		i hear what you're saying, but you both sound very confused and insecure to me.

Your dominant lady friend doesn't sound particularly dominant, and you don't sound particularly submissive.  Otherwise, she would have said "no, you won't be going to any BDSM clubs", and that would have been the end of it.

It sounds like you have idealized these things a lot more than they should be.  BDSM clubs are really no big deal.  Moreover, i can almost assure you that if you go and approach a Dom to play with him, he is likely going to try to play with you again.  So your ladyfriend is probably right to be insecure about that.

But once again, your desire to play with others at a BDSM club, as well as your desire to be double penetrated don't make you sound particularly "monogamous".  Can you understand why she would feel uncomfortable with your desires?

(in reply to belladeth)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: female sub with question about bdsm clubs - 5/20/2010 9:06:05 AM   
belladeth


Posts: 9
Joined: 5/19/2010
Status: offline 		No, January, you are not understanding correctly. My girlfriend and I are both monogamous, yes. We want to be with each other forever. But we have talked about each other's experiences and I have minimal sexual experience (I have only had sex with two other people in my life.) Being double penetrated is something I would like to experience once in my life, if I had the opportunity, but if not, it would be fine. She is adamant that if I never experience certain things, I will eventually resent her for preventing that. Again, she has had much more experience than me -- BDSM experience and threesome and whatnot.

There is no breaking up -- we are perfect for each other and happy with each other and we want to get married. She is the one who has stated time and again that I should experience these things (with her involved) so that I will not regret missing out and resent her.

When I was dating my previous boyfriend, he was not willing to fulfill the fantasy of double penetration because he wouldn't be able to have sex with another guy there, and I wasn't going to go cheat on him, and I was okay with that, I was never going to push the issue, it was a fantasy that I would always have but never expected to realistically fulfill.

My plan is NOT manipulative and selfish, because it was HER plan. It was HER idea to allow me to experience being double penetrated. It is HER belief that me missing out on things with cause resentment, and HER insistence that she wants to allow me to experience everything I desire. And I would never want to experience these things without her -- I wouldn't want to go find two strangers to double penetrate me, I would want her to be present and involved. I would never want to just go find a Dom at a club to dominate me, I would want her to be a part of it. I am trying to figure things out to a point where if and when we played with others and/or had sex with others, she could be confident that I was still 100% devoted to her and not be worried that anything with change afterwards.

Maybe these sex acts are technically considered cheating. It depends on who you are and your view of the situation. I personally wouldn't consider if cheating if one time I was tied up by my girlfriend and blindfolded and then double penetrated -- I would consider it an amazing (hopefully) experience that I was thankful for. You can call me a cheater all you want, but remember the fact that my girlfriend wants to be able to let me experience these things so that I don't hate her. This desire, however, is at odds with her insecurities that I will stop loving her and want more than just her. That is the issue at hand. The issue is that SHE wants to let me experience things if I truly desire them, but she is too afraid of what will happen. I know that no matter what I experience, I will always be 100% devoted to her and want to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her -- even though I have an interest in living out certain fantasies once or twice.

And no she's not my "dominatrix" in the sense that she controls my life. We have a D/s relationship in bed but otherwise we are equals and partners. Each of our desires, worries and fears matters just as much as the other person. I am not her slave. She dominates me in bed but in life she is my equal. She would never demand something and that's the end of it. It's a relationship, a partnership.

(in reply to rideemwet)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: female sub with question about bdsm clubs - 5/20/2010 9:12:18 AM   
belladeth


Posts: 9
Joined: 5/19/2010
Status: offline
quote:

But once again, your desire to play with others at a BDSM club, as well as your desire to be double penetrated don't make you sound particularly "monogamous". Can you understand why she would feel uncomfortable with your desires?


I understand why you think that. Let me try to explain a little better.\

(A detail I've left out is that she's a transwoman and she has male parts right now, so she would be one of the two penetrating me in a double-penetration scenario.)

I never came into this relationship expecting to have threesomes and whatnot. I started dating an amazing girl and we were/are monogamous. I love being in love, I want to be married, I want to be with her forever. I knew from the beginning that she was the one.

Way back when, possibly under the influence of drugs, we started talking about our sexual experiences and desires and fantasies (this was also back when we first started exploring BDSM -- I told her about my interest in spankings and being tied up and rape play and all that stuff.) We had several discussions about past lovers and past experiences and things that I have never done but have thought about. Being double penetrated was something I expressed an interest in.

Since she has had so much experience before me, she told me that she doesn't want me to miss out on anything and that we could do something once where I get double penetrated. I would never have ASKED her to do this. I would never have said "this is something we have to do or I will hate you." Time and time again, I have told her that it wasn't necessary and that she didn't have to worry about it, but she was insistent that we should do it once or I'll regret it.

Does that explain anything at all as to WHY I am looking for advice on this? I don't necessarily need to do any of the play/threesome stuff, but she is afraid that if I don't, I will resent her later in life for preventing me from doing it. So that is why this matter is at hand. Because "never doing this stuff" is not a solution in her eyes. She thinks that "never doing this stuff" will result in me resenting her.

Once again: I would NEVER have demanded this of her. This stuff all came through discussion and learning more about each other and her desire for me to live my life to the fullest. If she had said from the beginning, "It will absolutely never be okay for me to have a threesome or for me to share you" I would have NEVER spoken of it again. And that is the truth.

In terms of BDSM clubs: I want to go and socialize and learn and have fun. I don't need to play with others, though it is something that has been in my fantasies (and I shouldn't be catching any flak for my FANTASIES). But she is convinced that it is something I will want, inevitably. I am confident (in knowing myself and knowing my love for her) that no matter what happened, I would never want to be a poly/casual kinkster, whether I was ever able to play with others or whether it never ever happened. I know that the interest that I have would only be for the experience of it.

Once again: This is not me trying to be manipulative and "have my cake and eat it too." This is me trying to get us to a point where if/when WE ever did indulge in living out my fantasies, she would be comfortable and confident that nothing would change between us.

Does ANYONE understand what I'm saying? At all?

< Message edited by belladeth -- 5/20/2010 9:25:18 AM >

(in reply to belladeth)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: female sub with question about bdsm clubs - 5/20/2010 9:23:56 AM   
belladeth


Posts: 9
Joined: 5/19/2010
Status: offline
quote:

Your dominant lady friend doesn't sound particularly dominant, and you don't sound particularly submissive. Otherwise, she would have said "no, you won't be going to any BDSM clubs", and that would have been the end of it.


We have a D/s relationship in bed, but otherwise we are equals, partners, two people sharing a relationship and a life together. She would never put her foot down on something that she knew was important to me or interested me. She is not in control of me. If this site is only for 24/7 D/s relationships, then I'm sorry, I didn't realize that, and I shouldn't expect to get advice on a just-in-the-bedroom D/s relationship.

(in reply to belladeth)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: female sub with question about bdsm clubs - 5/20/2010 9:36:56 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I can honestly see where your dominant is coming from. I am not saying I would do the same thing, but I can see it and might feel the same way. You are twenty three years old and bi sexual. You have already set in your mind that you want to take an active part in going to clubs once a month when you don't know that you would even like them and you wish to be played with and do certain sexual acts that you have never done before. You cannot promise that you just want to do them once or twice. What if you dig the hell out of it? You might feel differently after experiencing it and crave it more.

So you already know in your mind and are trying to convince your partner that you are sure and wouldn't change your mind on something you cannot really say. You are sending mixed messages and for me or in my opinion most people become jealous or insecure with someone who is sending mixed messages.

Look at how many people cheat or desire things that their partner cannot give them and how often love isn't enough to keep them from going out and exploring what they want at some point. You seem to want to go to the clubs often and your interest is so strong that you repeatedly bring it up and wish to convince her, so it is something you want badly and maybe she is convinced that because you want it so badly there is more to it all. After all, you are bi sexual.

It is wonderful to want our mate to experience things that they never have done and it is easy to back track on that when we feel threatened. I am not saying it is right or wrong, but that it could be an understandable place to go when feeling threatened and as if we are not getting the whole story. Taking into account your age, experience or lack thereof, your interest and how important this is to you, as well as how you have already decided in your mind what you want to do based on the fantasy, I might be a bit worried as well. But then I wouldn't expect a young person to know their mind totally and be able to promise they wouldn't want something they clearly are interested in.

From my own experience, someone so interested in something that has said to me that they only wanted to try it, like a one time fulfillment of a fantasy, ended up wanting that to the point of seeking it out after that one time and behind my back. So when someone shows an interest in something I cannot and will not believe it is a one time thing and will never happen again. That isn't jaded or wounded so much as being realistic and knowing that the sexual desire that prompts the want in the first place is something that could continue or even grow.

Your saying I just want to experience it once or twice to basically see what it is about so you don't feel cheated and thinking you can promise never to want it again, isn't reasonable to me and I would doubt you understood what you wanted to begin with. Not that you don't know what you want, because you do, you just can't say you will never want it again.

If I knew that I wanted a mono relationship with someone and they claimed the same thing and in the next breath they wanted to be double filled, go to clubs on a steady basis and all, I might feel a bit threatened as well because you really don't know for sure what you want. Maybe you are just too young to be deciding what you will or won't want for the rest of your life.

If you don't do this you could be resentful. If you do do it and like it, she does risk losing something she valued as in the mono relationship she thought you both wanted. I can see where each of you might feel the other wasn't being fair. If I were her, I would feel that I needed to take that chance or risk of losing you by letting you explore and knowing I could lose you or the mono relationship either way. It might take me a bit to get to the point of actually saying, go explore or I will go with you to explore and feeling comfortable with it considering all the facts. If I want a mono relationship, I am not sure that I would get involved with a bi sexual person because at some point, they just might want what I cannot give them.

Sometimes love isn't enough when other desires are so strong. You have to decide at some point what you really want and what is most important to you and you just may need to find out by exploring and taking some risks. Whether the risks are worth it, is up to the two of you.


_____________________________

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(in reply to rideemwet)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: female sub with question about bdsm clubs - 5/20/2010 10:05:16 AM   
belladeth


Posts: 9
Joined: 5/19/2010
Status: offline 		@ Lockit: I do not understand what being bisexual has ANYTHING to do with this discussion. My girlfriend is a transsexual bisexual. Should I be afraid that her bisexuality is going to lead her away from me? No. She wants me. Bisexual is NOT anything that affects this at ALL, and I find it offensive that you say it like that. Like me being bisexual makes me such a nympho that I cannot be stopped. Please.

Once again: Please take into account the fact that it was MY GIRLFRIEND who orginially (and repeatedly) stated that I should experience things or I might resent her. THIS STATEMENT DID NOT COME FROM ME. It came from her. I was (still am) PERFECTLY CONTENT with NEVER having a threesome or anything of that nature. I was (still am) content to just go to clubs and observe, but she expects that it is only a matter of time before observing leads to needing to play with others.

She said, and I quote, "You should be able to experience things that you want, or one day you'll end up resenting me." It wasn't until after she said that a whole bunch of times that I came to terms with the fact that yes, we should try it once, so that I can experience it. But now she is very nervous and worried. She still believes that if I don't experience, I will resent her. She also believes that if I do experience, I will leave her.

So I'm stuck between her being worried that something bad will happen if we DON'T explore/have one-time experiences, and her being worried that something bad will happen if we DO explore/have one-time experiences.

Playing at BDSM clubs is something I have an interest in but don't need to do, but I suspect that she will express the same sentiment: that she doesn't want to prevent me from trying anything or else I will resent her. So I am approaching it from that angle: the angle that this is something we will eventually attempt at least ONCE. If she says to me that she doesn't care if I resent her, she just cannot go through with it, I will say, "Ok, my love, that is fine, let's be done with this." But that's not the point she's at right now. So I am trying to figure out what to do to convince her that everything will be okay.


PLEASE understand that it is HER desire to allow me to experience things that I might regret missing out on, and DON'T tell me that I'm being selfish and slutty and cheating. I would never think about this stuff if she wasn't so adamant that I'll regret/resent her for never experiencing it. The only problem is that this is at odds with her insecurities.

< Message edited by belladeth -- 5/20/2010 10:08:54 AM >

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: female sub with question about bdsm clubs - 5/20/2010 10:07:36 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I very much agree with what Lockit said above.  I'm also going to repeat what I said earlier.  We can't predict the future for you.  We can't promise you that you will feel this way or that (and quite frankly, neither can you).  We can't dictate or prevent your partner feeling a certain way.

After reading your further comments, since it very much seems like you want some crystal ball type of assistance, here's what I honestly think.  At one point during your relationship, perhaps under the influence, you and your partner were talking about the differences that you have in your life experiences.  Your partner, having a bit more than you, AND because your partner love's you, made some comments in the heat of the moment about you not having had the chance to do some things in your life.  (I also have to admit a bit if your partner is a little older than you.)  As many loving partners do, or as often happens during 'pillow talk' or other times when people are feeling a bit emotional, swept up in the closeness that you were having, your partner didn't think the whole thing through, and said things about being ok with you experiencing certain things when maybe they didn't play the tape to the end.  Being momentary talk, it was all about the fantasy and wanting to give you opportunities for your desires.

The problem is, once more thought was put into it, your partner may not be so sure about the idea.  A little insecurity crept in.  After all, what you're asking for is something that no one person can possibly do alone in flesh and blood.  Not without involving someone else.  That may have rattled your partner's cage a bit and made your partner think of the vast differences that the two of you have in these areas.  However, your partner already promised you that she would give you these things.  Changing her mind now is like her going back on her word.  She knows that you desire these things, and because you are in a committed relationship mixed with your age, it's very possible that if you never got these things, it might be something you regret.  It's very possible that someone could hold that against their long term partner.  Try reading these boards at some point for stories about how one person in a marriage wants certain kinky things and the other doesn't and what turmoil that causes folks.

A lot of what you have written on this thread sounds like much of what it going on here is based on insecurity and fear.  We can't take that away.  Only you can.  If you and your partner don't both feel *good* about this, we can't change that.  Truthfully, I'm not so sure there are a lot of monogamous folks out there who would say 'sure, have sex with other people and we'll still be monogamous'.  Monogamy is a pretty literal word for most people.  Just doing it once doesn't necessarily count.

My advice to you would be, up until both you and your partner actually feel good about this, it should probably come off the table.  It shouldn't be something that your partner consents too because she doesn't want you to miss out.  (That's pretty guilt sounding driven to begin with.)  It shouldn't be something that she's willing to give you even though she's afraid of the outcome.  She's saying she's ok with it, but I highly doubt that she is and it certainly doesn't sound like there are very good reasons behind it.

If you want your partner to have faith that you will stay committed to her, you have to show her that's exactly what you're going to be.



Edited because I hit send too early.


< Message edited by LadyPact -- 5/20/2010 10:20:37 AM >

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(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: female sub with question about bdsm clubs - 5/20/2010 10:11:52 AM   
belladeth


Posts: 9
Joined: 5/19/2010
Status: offline
quote:

After reading your further comments, since it very much seems like you want some crystal ball type of assistance, here's what I honestly think.  At one point during your relationship, perhaps under the influence, you and your partner were talking about the differences that you have in your life experiences.  Your partner, having a bit more than you, AND because your partner love's you, made some comments in the heat of the moment about you not having had the chance to do some things in your life.  (I also have to admit a bit if your partner is a little older than you.)  As many loving partners do, or as often happens during 'pillow talk' or other times when people are feeling a bit emotional, swept up in the closeness that you were having, your partner didn't think the whole thing through, and said things about being ok with you experiencing certain things when maybe they didn't play the tape to the end.  Being momentary talk, it was all about the fantasy and wanting to give you opportunities for your desires.


This is not true at all. We have had this conversation repeatedly, under the influence, and not under the influence. We have had this discussion in very rational moments and conversations. She has held firm that she believes me not experiencing these things will lead to resentment. I have held firm from the beginning that I will be fine without it. She still says, even while she is expressing fears and worries about the bad possibilities, that she thinks I will regret never doing this stuff.

So no, it is nothing that was said in the heat of the moment and should've been taken back. I TOLD HER to take it back many times and she refuses. I told her time and time again that if she can't be comfortable with sharing me for one time, then it never has to be brought up again, but she insists that if we don't, I will regret/resent her. She is a genuine, caring person who wants nothing more than for me to be happy and fulfilled, and she believes that missing out on certain sexual things will be a mistake for me.

ONCE AGAIN: IT WAS HER IDEA, IT IS HER INSISTENCE that I need to try/experience. If she would just say, "No, I am never okay with that," then I would never bring it up again. I TRIED to tell her that it was okay to forget it and that I would never bring it up again, and she said, "That's not a solution, because you will still have the fantasies and one day you will end up resenting."

Can you please understand that it is her idea? I would be willing to forget about it. But since she keeps telling me that that's not the answer, I am looking for ADVICE on how to get us BOTH to the point where we are comfortable and confident in our love and our relationship, no matter what we do.

< Message edited by belladeth -- 5/20/2010 10:14:53 AM >

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: female sub with question about bdsm clubs - 5/20/2010 10:20:20 AM   
belladeth


Posts: 9
Joined: 5/19/2010
Status: offline 		And I must make it known, even if I said it before: When we started talking about double pentetration and playing with others, it was simply me expressing my fantasies and desires that I never truly expected to fulfill. It wasn't me saying, "These are things I must try in my life." It was me saying, "These are things I have thought about in the past."

From there, she went on to say that she has experienced so much and she doesn't want me to resent her for not allowing me to experience things, and that we should try double penetration once. I told her that it wasn't necessary, but she insisted that I would regret it if we never did.

At one point, she had even put on her fetlife profile that she was looking for someone to help DP me -- I didn't think we were anywhere CLOSE to being ready for that, but she said that she was, and then later decided that she wasn't quite ready (and I said that was fine -- and it is!!!!!)

(in reply to belladeth)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: female sub with question about bdsm clubs - 5/20/2010 10:32:37 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		You can take offense to my saying something about bi sexual if you want, but don't put words or implications in my mouth. I did not say that someone who is bi sexual is slutty or cannot be mono. I am saying that they might at some point want what I cannot give them. That doesn't make a slut or dishonorable person.

Look, you are young and as much as you might hate what I am saying and resent my saying it, it is true that when we are younger we cannot know what will happen later in life. If everything I thought and felt in my younger years were as black and white as I thought them to be, then I wouldn't have become the person I now am. Had the love of my life, the one I planned my whole life with 'then' been as black and white about things as I was, we never would have explored swinging in a non sluttish way or anything else we did. We explored, we grew and we found that we really weren't that well suited as time went on. That didn't take away from what we felt and neither of us resent or regret what we did.

If this isn't such a big deal for you and your partner, then what are we talking about? You want to assure her in ways that cannot be assured at any age. The only way to know and find out are to experience it and find out. You cannot change her prior experiences that make her feel as she does. You cannot convince her at this stage. The more you all talk about it, the more important it becomes and neither of you can let it go for whatever reason and it has to be worked out.

You cannot know what you will want for the rest of your life because we evolve in life and your older partner knows this. At one time I couldn't see wanting a dildo! Or hell, wanted to be double filled. But you know what? I love the hell out of both! At one point I didn't want children and guess what? I had four and loved it!

You in all honesty believe what you are saying and that is wonderful, but life isn't always so black and white and we have to find some shaded area's sometimes. Get as mad as you want and take offense to what older and more experienced people say from experience. You are very defensive on that slutty stuff and you seem to think we think you would be slutty to want certain things. That too isn't black or white and you might want to get over that because not everyone who has multiple partners is a slut or casual.

< Message edited by Lockit -- 5/20/2010 10:40:44 AM >

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(in reply to belladeth)
Profile   Post #: 20
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