undergroundsea
Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
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I think I understand.
You have a relationship that makes for monogamy, especially emotional monogamy. The following text suggests you have some fantasies that are masochistic and require some amount of emotional distance for more raw SM, which you cannot attain with your girlfriend. Your girlfriend might be giving you what you need to feel loved but perhaps your masochistic side remains wanting.
quote:
the idea of playing with someone else once or twice has it's appeal to me (maybe I'm wrong, but I am intrigued to experience domination from someone who isn't the sole love of my life, someone who doesn't have a romantic and intimate attachment to me.) This interest is partially fueled by hearing about her previous BDSM casual experiences -- it turns me on to hear about sessions that she had with Doms. My experience is only with the woman who loves me and treats me like a princess even when I'm tied up and tortured. Part of me wonders about experiencing D/s from a less intimate relationship standpoint.
Your girlfriend wants you to have experiences she cannot fulfill so that you do not hold resentment towards her. That said, it is likely that, at least at a subconscious level, you also wish for these experiences to happen.
What do do?
1. One question that was coming to mind was whether she can fulfill fantasies you have. For instance, if the fantasy of double penetration was for sake of sensation, she could create that. However, I sense the double penetration is not for sake of sensation but for sake of masochism and rape play. It is still possible for her to do so in the context of rape play but it may be that her demeanor and the emotional closeness makes the idea of rape play unbelievable for you.
2. Part of why you seek other players could be addressed if your dynamic is able to draw upon more intense SM. You might speak with lovers who engage in intense SM to see how they make their relationship work. I think it requires realignment of perspective by each partner so that intense acts of SM are not seen as negative gestures but instead as positive gestures.
3. The question about bisexuality raised in this thread can be a valid one depending on the person. Some people are bisexual because they enjoy the different things offered by the different sexes and constantly feel an allure to both sexes. Some people are bisexual in that they are attracted to an emotional bond, and can have that bond with either sex--it is not that they enjoy different things about the sexes and feel that attraction to each sex constantly. Perhaps you are of the latter type. It is quite possible that your partner also worries about your bisexual tendencies by not knowing whether you will want sexual contact with a man for reasons of emotional and/or sexual attraction that you cannot feel with her (i.e, whether you are the first type).
4. You two might study up on polyamory. Even if you are not polyamorous, you might find information about how to deal with jealousy and how to achieve compersion (the opposite of jealousy). It might allow her to introspect and identify what exactly creates the insecurity, which would then allow discussion of how to avoid it.
5. The cause of jealousy usually reduces to a fear of being replaced, or of reduction in access of time and attention. If you can understand what her cause of jealousy is, you would be better able to address it. For instance, if she can understand that your reason to seek these experiences is to specifically seek emotional distance, and that you do not see such relationships to be an ongoing thing, perhaps it will help her concern about being replaced. Perhaps you can identify what types of person do not create a threat for her. And perhaps she can feel more secure or in control of the situation if she chooses such persons, and, perhaps, is present or involved in the scenes. What if you two find a switch who can be sadistic to you under her direction?
6. Bear in mind that you might develop emotional attachment with someone (either you, or the third person, or each you and the third person) even if the play begins in an emotionally distant manner. Even if you think this emotional bond cannot overcome the one you have with your partner, you cannot truly know. There is a gay woman who is a slave to a gay man. Her want for slavery and masochism exceeded her want for a lover.
Suppose you are convinced that the SM wants will not overwhelm the want for romance and a lover. If you develop an emotional bond with a play partner, the first question is whether that is a threat. Perhaps you two can be open to the idea of polyamory where the primary relationship takes priority. Another couple who has a similar situation (a primary relationship that does not feed all areas of play and so secondary relationships or play outside relationship is sought) could make for an ongoing viable scenario.
If it is a threat then constantly changing the third partner could be a way to avoid such closeness. Such a situation is harder for sake of having to continually find someone who is compatible and trustworthy, but a club or rather play party environment where casual play can be had might be one way to achieve this situation. Bear in mind, however, that the person you play with once will likely be there at time of future visits and might be interested to play again. If your intent is to play only once or twice and then avoid play for sake of forming an emotional bond, it would be fair to let the third person know so they can manage their expectations or decide whether or not they wish to participate. Also, depending on the group, you could run out of new people.
Cheers,
Sea
< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 6/7/2010 6:53:16 PM >
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RE: female sub with question about bdsm clubs - 
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