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LadyAngelika -> RE: Is self-consciousness sexy? (6/15/2010 7:00:08 PM)
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It is unfortunate that I feel the thread sort of fizzled just as the responses got interesting.
I wasn't done with this thread yet, but at the time that it posted, I was still mulling over much of this particular part of this particular post. Men who write brilliant things tend to make me ponder things deeply, and that's a very good thing.
That said, I'm ready to respond to it now.
quote:
ORIGINAL: OrpheusAgonistes
A moment of self-consiousness, for me, is a tiny crisis in my big brain that is resolved in an unusual, unfamiliar way. It's dizzying, vertiginous, because my brain is very well adapted to making certain kinds of calculations and decisions; and when something happens that obliterates that protocol everything shuts down and I honestly have no idea what to do. It's the sudden realization that I have an urgent need to please the woman I'm involved with, and that not pleasing her is not acceptable--not because it reflects poorly on me or doesn't get me what I want, but simply because her displeasure is an inherently unacceptable outcome.
It's jaw droppingly scary and overwhelming because every time I have a moment like this, it's a reiteration of the fact that there will be times when I am emotionally (and physically) uncomfortable, even wounded, in order for my partner to have what she wants. It's possible that it will even happen simply because seeing me uncomfortable or worse is what she wants at a particular moment. It's one thing to have my face slapped by a woman I'm attracted to--that's hot. But it's another thing to realize that if necessary I'm going to be subjugating my urges and needs to make my partner happy. That's a kind of ego death for me. There's no way to put it other than "That shit freaks me the fuck out." Every moment of self-consciousness recapitulates those feelings. Every time I'm made fully and poignantly aware of the situation (either deliberately or accidentally) it's like a kiss on the lips and a kick in the nuts at the same time. In some ways, it's a brilliant feeling. It's tender and savage at the same time. But it's also about as easy as a nuclear war.
I think a succession of moments of self-consciousness around a woman is necessary to lead up to a sense of true and consuming devotion. The moments can also be totally isolated--the realization that, right at a certain point in time all you care about is making this woman happy but that this feeling, too, is transitory. I'm at the age where these kinds of isolated moments of stray self-consciousness hold less and less appeal for me. They also happen very infrequently because my focus tends to be more on the context and texture of an extended dynamic rather than a single brilliant brief moment.
And of course Orpheus, you are the master of words. You describe this feeling in such a rich, illustrative way that really lets us glimpse into the struggle that a strong, confident man goes through when faced with this degree of self-consciousness. I see this as vulnerability at it's rawest, really. I really feel that this level of rawness, of nakedness if you will, is at the core of any of this being jawdroppingly hot and authentic.
There is for me this huge sense of power that I feel when I can bring a man to feel this level of self-consciousness and vulnerability. But the more I see I bring a man to the state, the more I become conscious of how much power I'm wielding. It's sexy alright. But it's more than sexy, it can get overwhelmingly sexy. I also feel an increased sense of responsibility. I know at this point that he's no longer protecting himself from me, and while this is the state I long for, it is also a state I have to be very careful with. As you say Orpheus, just about as easy as nuclear war. But then again, I adore challenges because the payoff is so deliciously sweet ;-)
- LA
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