RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (Full Version)

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MissAsylum -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 6:33:30 AM)

Yep- i know i showed my ass a bit- and i was wrong for it.



GraciousLady -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 6:37:22 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

Backstory: Very recently, i met a member from this site for some coffee in an attempt for us to get to know each other better. We both had made it very clear through messages and phone conversation that this was a vanilla meeting, and no play and/or talking about play of would take place.

Upon getting to the Starbucks- he was very polite and respectful. He gave me a firm handshake, paid for my coffee even though i planned on paying for it myself. While we were sitting down and talking about our vanilla lives, the conversation went smoothly.Then out of nowhere, while i was in mid-sentance, he said, "I'm sorry, this isnt working for me. You aren't a domme, you're too nice."

Not the first time i've heard that [8|]. I told him "i am a human first, so forgive me if i like to have nice, meaningful conversation." with it seeming like i had said nothing, he replied in a VERY snarky and LOUD manner, "You're not a domme! If you were, i'd be eating this fucking scone under the table like a dog! Am i? NO- YOU ARE A FUCKING FAKE!"

Mind you- this is in the middle of a crowded Starbucks in downtown Baltimore. I have no shame in what i am- but I'm not a fan of anybody causing a scene and having me involved.

If that wasnt enough- he yelled for me to give me the money he spent on my coffee and that he dosn't give freebies out to desperate and pathetic women. i didnt even drink any of it- it was too hot.

I got up, grabbed my bag- put the 5.38 in front of him, and i noticed he had a ragging erection. I assumed he was trying to get a rise out of me. Now what i did next was ill on my part, but since EVERYBODY was staring i saw no harm by giving them some additional entertainment. I took the lid off the coffee i had and dumped it all over his lap and left. No words or anything.

So my question is that is asserting my dominance during a vanilla meeting a must? I haven't met too many people just for conversation, so i really don't know if there is something i'm just not getting.


How awful that you had to go through that extremly humiliating expierence! Yet, how fortunat you met in a public place. The man was obviously one of the nuts we all caution people against. There is no telling where his unstable fantasy world would have taken him had the two of you been in a less safe setting.



subangi -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 6:39:34 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

nope, he was sweet as can be. and claimed he didnt like public humilation. go figure.

Funny, the Dom that I met said that sex was not his "focus" in a D/s relationship.  Thinking of a fitting reaction when you are stunned is not an easy thing to do.  I remember doing the "deer in the headlights" kind of thing, then the only thing that jumped in my head was porky pig saying "bdee bdee, thats all folks!"  And thats what I said and drove away.  Of course,  since then, I thought of a million "rico suave' " things I could have said. 



GraciousLady -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 6:41:26 AM)

All things aside I believe she did assert her dominance. She made it perfectly clear what type of meeting she was going to have. She could not help that the man she met was unstable.



laurell3 -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 6:45:19 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

Yep- i know i showed my ass a bit- and i was wrong for it.


Shit happens and that's kind of the point, you're human, not superdomme.



DarkSteven -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 7:37:49 AM)

I still say that you should have not paid him back for the coffee. I love the idea of him having paid for the hot coffee that got splashed in his lap.



MissAsylum -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 7:43:27 AM)

well the pouring coffee was a knee-jerk reaction to the tent he was pitching because i knew i was being fucked with.

and yes- 5.38 is a bit expensive for coffee, but it was Starbucks- its expected.



MissAsylum -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 7:45:32 AM)

i'm sorry that happened to you. thats truely disgusting. but like you, when i left, i had thought of a hundred different ways i could have handled it.



Andalusite -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 8:28:07 AM)

IMHO, he was trying to publicly humiliate YOU by making a scene like that, and outing you. I would have just left without engaging with him.



MissAsylum -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 10:01:10 AM)

i wish i hadnt engaged him at all- but it wasnt planned for me to pour coffee on him.



Rochsub2009 -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 10:02:03 AM)

MissAsylum,
A couple of thoughts.

firstly, as others have said.  You shouldn't have thrown coffee on him.  If it had gone to court, it probably would have gone badly for you.  Hot coffee is dangerous after all.  As a Domme, you have to first be in control of yourself before you can control others.  But i do understand that you were in the heat of the moment, and he pissed you off.

A far as how to behave in a first meet, that depends on the situation.  Everybody is going to have their own style.  You have to be you.  Yet, there are some things that are probably wise to incorporate into your style.

For example, if you are not seeking a relationship, and are merely meeting someone prior to a session (particularly if you are a pro-Domme), then there is really no need to get all touchy feely and talk about your favorite authors.  Male "subs" who go to pro-Dommes often aren't submissive at all.  They are paying for a service, and they see the Domme as their personal kink dispenser.  So they want to be dominated from the moment you say "hello".

If you are seeking a relationship, then your approach was definitely appropriate.  The two of you have to like one another as people, and you have to feel a bit of chemistry.  But once you decide that that there may be chemistry, i always think it is good if the Domme flashes a hint of dominance.

For example, on my first meeting with a former Domme, W/we met at a diner.  It was the type of diner where they leave the pot of coffee on the table.  Well, as we were enjoying our breakfast, she finished her cup of coffee.  While staying focused on our conversation, she simply pushed her empty cup forward about 2 inches.  i immediately realized that she wanted a refill, and i filled her cup.  To outsiders, it probably just looked like i was just being a gentleman, but i realized what she had done.  Without saying a word, she had exercised Her dominance and tested my submission.

After our meal, she looked at the check, and said "go pay for that, then come back to the table, I'd like to talk some more".  Once again, in a very subtle way, she flashed her dominance.

Finally, when we were done talking and it was time to leave, i stood up, and i notice that she didn't stand up.  Instead, she had one foot in the aisle.  i looked down and noticed that the strap on her shoe was undone.  So i knelt down and strapped her sandal.  She said, "thank you", and stood up.  i'm sure that she undid her shoe intentionally to see how readily i would attend to her needs.

As we left the restaurant, she waited for me to open the door for her, and then she asked me to walk her to her car.  When we got to her car, she waited for me to open the door for her, then she got in.  She told me that she had enjoyed our breakfast, and that she would call me. 

i ended up serving Her for almost 2 years.  But the subtle dominance that She showed in the diner really sealed the deal for me.  It wasn't over the top, but it was a nice hint of things to come.



MissAsylum -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 10:15:53 AM)

it actually was for a potential relationship. if it were for a ProDomme session- you are absolutely right, and i typically get down to business if i am in such a situation. but since it wasn't, i had expected to have a somewhat "normal" conversation at first.



ReginaMirus -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 10:21:00 AM)

Yeah. Apparently he was another one that was looking for a "personal kink dispenser" (LOVE that phrase! [:D]), but wanted one for free.

Good thing the douchebag outted himself long before you got any further wrapped up in him and his fantasy riddled brain. Good riddance to bad rubbish.



AAkasha -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 10:22:52 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

it actually was for a potential relationship. if it were for a ProDomme session- you are absolutely right, and i typically get down to business if i am in such a situation. but since it wasn't, i had expected to have a somewhat "normal" conversation at first.


Sometimes this kind of thing can't be avoided - some men are just like that.  But more phone calls in advance and conversations can sometimes reduce the risk.  There are some perfectly sweet men who simply don't have enough experience to realize that S&M (in real life) isn't how it is portrayed in porn, so they come into first meetings expecting something more dramatic.  No excuse to be an asshole, though.

I think most femdoms have heard the, "Oh you are too nice to be a femdom," line.  Or, "I didn't expect you to be this way."  The moment you show up to a first meeting in nice, normal clothes or have a pleasant conversation without being arrogant or bossy.  They also say things like, "I expected you to be more bossy."

Have lines ready to respond succinctly to these comments. I used to say things like, "Dominance isn't about being bossy, it's about being in control; more importantly, I don't dominate a man unless I am attracted to him, and you and I just met, so we're seeing where it goes."  Another pretty straightforward line to use very early on is, "I only dominate men I am intimate with, or building something with; I have to establish chemistry first.  So let's meet and see where it goes."

Another thing you can do is share your experiences up front and say, "You wouldn't believe how hard it is to meet a man who knows how to treat a woman like a person first and foremost; most show up at first meetings for coffee and expect instant-domination."  If you can be clear about these things up front, you eliminate the chances of it happening.

Akasha



MissAsylum -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 10:30:07 AM)

i waited 3 months for us to meet, and we have had numerous conversations , and i wish i had picked up on his subdominance , but i got nothing. but thanks for the advice. i'll be sure to keep it in mind for future use.



LadyPact -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 10:30:21 AM)

I'm not going to quote Rochesub's post in it's entirety, but I couldn't agree with it more.  This is very much the way that I have conducted first meets for years.  The reason for this is very simple.  Anybody that I'm meeting is there because of the fact that I am Dominant and he is submissive.  I'm not going to completely ignore that fact just because we're not going to talk about kink.  I'm there to see what kind of energy flows between us and how we respond to each other.  How we interact has just as much importance as supposed vanilla conversation.

Throwing the coffee in his lap, personally, I feel that you should have known better.



MissAsylum -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 10:37:27 AM)

i honestly wish i could boycott femdomme porn. however, i've only watched one time after i asked somebody who i encountered at a munch who said i didnt belong since i didnt have on fetish clothes(he was drunk) and he told me a little bit too much in detail what it was. i watched it when i got home and after 3 minutes- every conversation i had with people who said i wasnt a real domme made sense. porn is always a fantasy, regardless of the genre- i wish some people would understand that.



MissAsylum -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 10:43:20 AM)

[&:] yes lovie- i know it was wrong- there was a reason for it- but never an excuse. i said that a few times already...



LadyPact -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 10:46:01 AM)

I have a huge preference for you not calling Me 'lovie'.  It's sounds terribly condescending, as I believe a few other folks have mentioned on the boards.



Rochsub2009 -> RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter (5/21/2010 10:46:39 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

i honestly wish i could boycott femdomme porn.......i watched it when i got home and after 3 minutes- every conversation i had with people who said i wasnt a real domme made sense. porn is always a fantasy, regardless of the genre- i wish some people would understand that.


Actually, since you are both a lifestyle Domme and a pro-Domme, you may want to spend MORE time watching femDom porn.  As a pro-Domme, you are a fantasy provider.  Doesn't it make sense to have a good understanding of the fantasies that the majority of your clients have been raised on? 90% of their fantasies comes from that porn that you despise.

As crazy as it may sound, watching that porn is actually good market research.  Just like in any business, you have to understand your customers' wants and needs.  Most of them want what they've seen in the porn.



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