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Confused and need advice - 5/21/2010 9:03:15 AM   
hankyspanky2


Posts: 10
Joined: 5/21/2010
Status: offline 		I met a dom on another kinky dating site, and now find myself in a rather confusing state. We have been in touch for a year before we considered about meeting up. This was on and off contact throughout that year. As we both went about meeting others and having seperate play dates etc.

We met up, by means of me travelling to him (I had a safe call and he was happy to provide details to ensure my safety!) I suggested a hotel, but he wanted me to stay at his home. It was fine we had a great time together. I stayed for about 2 days, and afterwards we kept in touch.

We then met up a 2nd time, and again had a good time, although he was having a hard time with work and personal problems, but we still enjoyed each others company.

I'm trying to re-locate to the area that he lives in, this was before we met up and has no bearing on my moving there to be nearer him. Again we've been in touch and he was enquiring about my plans on moving etc. I said I was going to book a hotel for a few days to arrange to see some places and look for work. He then said you can stay with me. There is no spare room that I know of. We had a bit of cheeky banter, he was talking about me dressing up for him, me being spanked and us cooking together etc. All I said to him was I didn't want to take advantage.

Now admitedly I didn't jump at the chance or say yes. This wasn't because I didn't want to spend time with him, but I was also looking into going for a weekend with family to show them where I would be living.

Out of the blue, he has emailed me saying quite unexpectdly and suddenly meet someone else, whom is quite special to him, its serious and not just play. So he will be leaving the scene and the site we first met on.

Then he goes on to say that when I come to the area I will need someone to show me the attractions and introduce me to the local kinky events/munches. Also still saying he'd be more than happy to help me find accomadation.

Now I know thats a kind thing to say and offer, but I also find it strange that he still wants to take me to see things and go to kinky events?

I like him, was completely shocked at this, as I have made no pressure to form a relationship with him, I don't want to really not see him like that in that way (I realise I may not have a choice now!) So why is it he is still active on sites and all saying he's single. So what the heck is going on?

Please I'd be grateful for any advice you may wish to share? That is not biased as no one truly knows me or him.


Thanks, x



< Message edited by hankyspanky2 -- 5/21/2010 9:04:33 AM >
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RE: Confused and need advice - 5/21/2010 9:44:46 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Wish him well and then let him go.  Dude is flaky and obviously on a path of craziness right now, let him enjoy it for himself (and no, it's not uncommon, I've seen it happen dozens of times). 

You do the stable smart thing on your own- find your own hotel, you can find your own groups.  He's not a good source right now.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to hankyspanky2)
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RE: Confused and need advice - 5/21/2010 11:19:05 AM   
January


Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline 		Hi hanky,

It's possible that he sincerely considers you a friend. Taking you to a kinky event doesn't mean he wants to play, right? Friendship with a local could be a wonderful thing for you. Especially if the new partner is cool with him having female friends.

To me, the only thing weird about his behavior that I can see, is that he's still single and looking on other sites. Is is possible he just hasn't updated his profile? Maybe he's having second thoughts about this other partner? Maybe she's vanilla? Maybe he's suddenly poly? Unless he's neglected to update, these are all things you should probably talk to him about--even if you just remain friends.

January

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]




(in reply to hankyspanky2)
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RE: Confused and need advice - 5/21/2010 11:28:47 AM   
ReginaMirus


Posts: 240
Joined: 3/7/2010
Status: offline 		No. He wants to keep all his options as open and available as possible, just in case something, younger, hotter or better comes along. At least, that's what it sounds like to me.

(in reply to January)
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RE: Confused and need advice - 5/21/2010 12:08:52 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ReginaMirus
No. He wants to keep all his options as open and available as possible, just in case something, younger, hotter or better comes along. At least, that's what it sounds like to me.
Yeah, but as much as it's always fun to speculate about nefarious motives, I'm going to go for the much more obvious and likely, "Isn't religious about updating profiles"

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to ReginaMirus)
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RE: Confused and need advice - 5/21/2010 12:12:09 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		My first thought was that he was honoring what he had told you before about when you came to the area as much as he could with the new relationship in place. After all, he couldn't really put you up at his home any longer but he could still be an friendly escort. It seemed to me as though he was trying to honor your friendship with him as much as possible in the face of altered circumstances. As far as his continued presence on internet sites and having profiles up...I have no idea. He could be waiting to see if the new relationship pans out first. When I got a bit more serious with someone I generally gave it a little bit of time before pulling my profiles or altering them.

(in reply to hankyspanky2)
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RE: Confused and need advice - 5/21/2010 12:33:32 PM   
WestBaySlave


Posts: 501
Joined: 9/24/2008
Status: offline 		He doesn't sound particularly stable - or for that matter, ready to settle down. I wouldn't be surprised if you hear from him in four to six months saying this current relationship didn't work out.

There was a man in my life much like this. At times, he'd be very into me, wanting to be my master and making big life plans for us. At times, he'd decide he wanted to be polyamorous, and that I wasn't right for him ( usually a week or two after committing to a lifetime together ). At times, he wanted to be in some paternal match-maker role - he wouldn't be my master, but he would find my master for me. At times, he was just playing the field looking for his next bang. At times, he'd say he wanted to leave the scene altogether; that people here were too flaky and crazy for him ( pot calling the kettle black, I thought ).

For all this, I don't think he's a bad man, or that he intended to cause the emotional conflicts he did - just that he's a rather unfortunate mix of unstable and unself-aware. People like this are more or less harmless on their own, but can burn a path of destruction a mile wild through the hearts of the people who emotionally invest in them; friends, lovers, or otherwise.

Stay acquainted if you like, but if I were you, I wouldn't rely on him for anything, or trust him farther than I could throw him.

< Message edited by WestBaySlave -- 5/21/2010 12:35:56 PM >

(in reply to hankyspanky2)
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RE: Confused and need advice - 5/21/2010 1:58:43 PM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		It seems to me he wanst to keep you on his string, just in case the person he is with (if there is any other person )does not work out. I would say thanks for the offer, but no thanks. Just cut him loose it seems that he is just not ready for a commited relationship he is still having too much fun playing around. Sure you like him, but you don't want to be kept around as a backup. Good luck on your move.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to WestBaySlave)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Confused and need advice - 5/21/2010 2:28:08 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Yeah that's why I don't think we should speculate or care about his motivations or intentions.  His behavior is erratic and undesireable, especially for someone making other large life changes.

No reason to attract that drama, just say no and move on.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to littleone35)
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RE: Confused and need advice - 5/21/2010 2:48:50 PM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		id play it quite cool to be honest.  fix up my own accommodation, tell him you had made plans regarding friends and family anyway and since he doesnt have a spare room and he's started this 'serious' relationhip youd be more comfortable doing youre own thing.

relationships suddenly spring from nothing - but since its quite a new thing theres a chance it wont work out, which is maybe why he's keeping his profiles on going.

by playing it cool youre setting the first precident that you are moving for youre own reasons and they dont necessarily involve him anyway.  thank him and just suggest you hope to see him soon.

alternatively he might just be creating a breathing space between you both now that youre move is imminent, he maybe doesnt want you to rely on him too heavily but he doesnt want to be less than he has been in the past - some people can be funny that way - they enjoy youre company etc., but they want to keep that distance.

in the same way that i feel a certain amount of ambivilance from you, he might well be feeling the same way.  inviting you to the scene and staying friends is keeping the channels open without any tacit promise of anything more meaningful.

its all supposition of course.

so, anyway, play it cool.  create youre own comfort zone and stay friendly.

hope youre move goes well

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Confused and need advice - 5/21/2010 3:02:00 PM   
GraciousLady


Posts: 529
Joined: 7/7/2009
Status: offline 		Just let this one alone. There is something going on in this persons life that you would do best to stay out of. Be polite but say no thanks.

(in reply to hankyspanky2)
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RE: Confused and need advice - 5/21/2010 3:06:00 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		LuckyAlbatross and WestBaySlave are spot-on, with fabulous posts above that I can't improve on. 

He is drama. Keep your distance.

If you want drama, you can go to the movies.


_____________________________

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(in reply to hankyspanky2)
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RE: Confused and need advice - 5/21/2010 4:01:11 PM   
January


Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline 		Well I hope the OP returns to respond.

At this point I'm confused. Based on some of the posters' replies about the Dom's "drama", I'm wondering what I've missed. I can't find that drama.

As far as I know, the OP and the Dom in question are playmates. She's not looking for permanence, so whether he's ready to settle down is irrelevant. No drama there.

He's offered friendship. Okay. The OP sure doesn't need to agree to it. I, for one, appreciate friends. But maybe some folks think that BDSM and friends don't mix? Maybe the OP is alarmed by that offer of friendship? Doms can't be nice? Is this is the "drama"?

He's also offered to take her around and introduce her to the local kinks. Okay, maybe he's wanting to play, too. I don't know. Only the Dom would know. I'm thinking maybe the OP should ask him. She can agree or not, her choice. I don't see drama here, either, unless she's afraid to ask him, and would rather ask us.

I got the impression these two were already friends, so it would be okay for her to discuss her concerns with him.

January


_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]




(in reply to hankyspanky2)
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RE: Confused and need advice - 5/21/2010 4:09:05 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I'm wondering what I've missed. I can't find that drama


Well first and foremost, he invited her to stay with him and then revoked that invitation. That's rude and inappropriate enough for me to knock the guy down on the priority list.

Then he says out of nowhere he's met someone, it's serious, and he's leaving the scene. You don't see that as dramatic? That's normal humdrum to you?

Then he stays on the site and continues to say he's single, directly in contradiction with what he told her. Again, no issue there? Normal and nothing inconsistent or to cause someone to question?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to January)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Confused and need advice - 5/21/2010 4:18:08 PM   
Elisabella


Posts: 3939
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

I'm wondering what I've missed. I can't find that drama


Well first and foremost, he invited her to stay with him and then revoked that invitation. That's rude and inappropriate enough for me to knock the guy down on the priority list.

Then he says out of nowhere he's met someone, it's serious, and he's leaving the scene. You don't see that as dramatic? That's normal humdrum to you?

Then he stays on the site and continues to say he's single, directly in contradiction with what he told her. Again, no issue there? Normal and nothing inconsistent or to cause someone to question?


He invited her to stay with him when they were playing/sleeping together and she didn't accept that invitation. It sounds like they were out of touch for awhile because he emailed her "out of the blue" to let her know that he was now in a committed relationship and (presumably) the girlfriend wouldn't want his ex fuck buddy as his temporary roommate, especially because she says there's no spare room and the "staying together" was in the context of them having an intimate relationship.

It sounds like he just wanted to give her a heads up that in case she had decided to accept his offer (which she hadn't, because she wanted a place she could show her family) that it would no longer be ideal since they weren't intimate anymore, but that when she did move he'd be happy to show her around as a friend.

I also don't see the "drama" here.

ETA: I took "leaving the scene" to mean stop casually playing with people, because it'd be kind of hard for him to show her around munches and kinky events if he was going all hermit. But OP please correct me if I'm wrong - does he mean he wants nothing more to do with BDSM or does he mean he's not going to play parties anymore?

< Message edited by Elisabella -- 5/21/2010 4:23:16 PM >

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Confused and need advice - 5/21/2010 4:23:11 PM   
realcoolhand


Posts: 261
Joined: 3/22/2009
Status: offline 		I'm defsies with January on this one, and sense a lot of personal history read into the post. Swear to god not all guys, even dommy guys, are douche bags.

From the un-jaded side of the room, it sounds to me like OP's near-miss had a lot of irons in the fire, and finally settled on the most vanilla one of the bunch (hence leaving "the lifestyle"). In the meantime, he may well have legitimate friends on the sites they both frequent (hence remaining active) and, in any case, old habits die hard. Since they did have a connection, and he does have an in to the local scene, it's not smarmy but rather DECENT of him to offer to show her around and help her get situated following the move, and if he met his new lady friend through "lifestyle" sites, it's likely that she does not object to that arms-length gesture of continuing goodwill.


(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Confused and need advice - 5/21/2010 4:25:58 PM   
realcoolhand


Posts: 261
Joined: 3/22/2009
Status: offline 		Elisabella, I've never seen you post a cynical comment. Good for you.

(in reply to Elisabella)
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RE: Confused and need advice - 5/21/2010 4:26:50 PM   
January


Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Well first and foremost, he invited her to stay with him and then revoked that invitation.


My understanding is that she didn't accept when he invited her to stay with him. These invitations do have a time limit. Not dramatic, in my book. Just life.

quote:

Then he says out of nowhere he's met someone..


Drama because he announced he met someone? Huh? He announces out of nowhere? Huh? You think he made it up? He's got a profile on dating sites! He met the OP on those sites, why couldn't he meet someone else?

I agree with you on one point, however: it is strange that he's still looking on the dating sites. (As I pointed out in my first post). Only he can answer why he's still doing that. There are obviously some non-dramatic reasons. But unless she IS interested in him as a partner-- or playmate--or friend--it's really none of her business.

January



_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]




(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Confused and need advice - 5/21/2010 4:46:25 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Sounds like he wants to keep you on hold for a bit and then have you join his poly family. Either that or she's vanilla and he just wants a kinky bit on the side.

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Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Confused and need advice - 5/21/2010 5:24:19 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Doesn't matter if she accepted or not, you don't extend and then revoke an invitation- it's rude.

quote:

Drama because he announced he met someone? Huh?

Nice that you cut the sentence to fit your response.

quote:

He announces out of nowhere? Huh? You think he made it up? He's got a profile on dating sites! He met the OP on those sites, why couldn't he meet someone else?


Again it's not meeting someone, it's the REST OF THE SENTENCE about being very serious and making all sorts of big life decisions based on that in a quick amount of time.

I get that most of the world finds it normal to switch collars every six months, but to me that's too much drama.


_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 20
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