NymphetamineGirl
Posts: 55
Joined: 11/29/2009
Status: offline
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OK this is a story worth telling.
I met my first Master through mutual friends in an MMORPG. He caught my interest but at the time I had no idea why and it wasn't sexual to me, just I liked being with him. When we started talking outside of gaming, I was amazed at his insight and the depth of his character, his strength and sensitivity. He seemed to me a walking contradiction, so powerful and singularly capable, yet delicate in a way I can't explain. I was always on my toes, he challenged me at every moment intellectually and emotionally, yet made it clear how rare and precious to him our understanding was. I had no idea what would happen, but today I think he saw the writing on the wall.
I spoke of how my husband was a good man, and how I loved him. Yet we just didn't connect, for years really, and I think I never admitted how lonely I had been. I learned later that he suffered secretly from an emotionally crippling addiciton, but at the time I just thought that's what marriages do (get cold).
My new friend and I shared so much about heartbreak and loss, and we grew close very quickly. I remember feeling a sort of constant tragedy when I spoke to him; I held him in such immensely high regard and it wounded me deeply that he had no love in his life. He was trying to start something with a lady, which I encouraged happily, and he told me of a D/s relationship he'd had in the past. We did discuss sex, but it was peripheral to the experiences behind it. He also talked about something I asked him not to, but him pushing that boundary was so healing for me, and I trusted him implicitly, though at the time I had no idea we had already spent a year establishing the kind of trust other D/s couple only dream of.
My husband didn't like me talking to game friends much. He was suspicious of their intentions and it made me angry that he didn't trust me, and I resented being restricted from conversations that brought so much to my life. (Really this was me railing against giving up my soul for his insecurities). My friend told me to respect his boundaries, but insteaed I hid my conversations; this was the beginning of my falling from grace.
My feelings for my friend changed quickly as I became aware of my own hungers and desperately intruigued by how he could fill them. Our desire was so intense; I realized I had fallen in love, and for the first time I felt complete. In short order I gave myself to him, in secret, and while the situation was terribly stressful, it was bliss; I wanted nothing else in my life but him, all else was chores for I lived only to see him again. I was, as he says, a pain in the ass to train, but worth it. It wasn't that I didnt love my husband, or my work, or my son, but I was SO EMPTY for so long--in hindsight, the feeling was so powerful I should have quit everything for a month to get my bearings in my true identity, but in my efforts not to hurt anyone (silly, I know) I kept up appearances.
It all came out when my husband found my collarme account. I told him the truth, I was not ashamed, but I was sad he was hurt. For three days he crucifed me, then guilt over his own secret overcame his shame and he confessed his 6-year addiction. I didn't react well....I ran to my Master.
I stayed there for a few days and then decided I would return to my husband. The decision ripped my very heart from my body, but I could not walk out on a man who had commited to changing his life and who adored me despite everything I had done. I agreed to be "just friends" with my Master, and we cried together over the phone for days.
I felt dead, and with nothing to hide behind, all the ugliness of our marital past came tumbling over us. Our trust was in a pile of rubble, and it would have been much easier to leave...but I knew I couldn't run, not this time. It probably wouldn't work, I thought, but I'll be damned if I cave in. I was galvanized by finally knowing myself and I will never give up myself again.
At first I thought I just wouldn't have a satisfying sex life because he had never even heard of Dominance, but then I had to acknowledge that I do need that and without it we will not last. We fumbled through every possible misunderstanding and miscommunication and embarassment that noobs could encounter, all the while trying to establish him as a safe place for me, which has been a long journey in itself. It was a goddam nightmare for both of us, for months, and I had to do it alone. We decided to avoid sex until we were both feeling connected and safe.
The good news is that he has discovered how intoxicating my submission is, just in little ways, and is eager to earn it by first mastering himself. I do not know what the future is right now but there is hope.
I still sometimes feel broken, but I am glad today that I stuck it out, because we are forging each other and we are both so much more than the other ever knew. If we discover in the end that we are simply not compatible then I can move on knowing we both tried our best. But right now things are looking better and I'm feeling closer to him than I ever did. If I can't be with my husband, there is only one other man I would want, my first Master, though I expect he would not have me now, because I broke his heart. But going through the pain was necessary...no one can diminish me now, I've earned the right to be me through my own suffering, and I know now I will be OK, relationship or not.
It has been good for me to tell this story. I did it without asking either of the men involved, though both may read it. One day I may submit control over such things again...I pray I do.
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RE: When did you realize your submissive nature? - 
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