|
lally2 -> RE: Attitudes of people in BDSM community about vanilla lifestyles (5/25/2010 3:00:19 AM)
|
reads greedys post and potters off to read OP [:D]
quote:
ORIGINAL: SocratesNot
It is often said that "vanilla people" can't understand BDSM, and that they are quite often intolerant to it.
What happens in the opposite direction? Can people who are into WIITWD really get vanilla folks?
Of course there is tollerance and "live and let live" philosophy. And also the philosophy of "this is not of my business".
But what I am interested in now is not endless repeating of these phrases.
I am interested in how BDSM community really views entire vanilla lifestyle and vanilla values such as monogamy, democratic decision making, equality, etc.
Do you feel that vanilla lacks substance? Is it somewhat outdated? Are vanilla relationships more superficial? Why you can't be satisfied in vanilla relationships?
Please, I mean please, don't start again with these "no generalizations" posts.
If you don't want to constructively answer questions, it's better not to post anything.
ok..,
im not a 'community' [:)] but here goes....,
i 'get' vanilla folks perfectly - but you know, i cast my mind around all of the vanilla couples i know and invariably there is one that wears the trousers - egalitarianism occurs when decisions need to be made about big and little stuff - but very often that happens in Ds and to some extent Ms, when a Dominant will listen to their submissives view or feelings about something. its the Dominants decision in the end of course but thats how the submissive wants it to be. in vanilla there are more compromises made and that works for them.
monogamy is a strange one for me. here in Ds land having multiple partners is out in the open, not all of them sexual, sometimes just for play. a submissive will either be that way too or learn to adapt because that is what his/her Dominant wants (happened to me once) but the point is its out in the open. in vanilla its invariably called 'cheating' because it isnt done in the open or with the partners understanding or consent and/or involvement. its a strange one for me because after years of living with an unrealised Dominant type who had affairs and i accepted that, in the end his last affair (with friend and next door neighbour who turned out to be a bunny boiler) i called it a day. i have two girlfriends who suspect their husbands of being unfaithful to them and it has coloured their feelings for their husbands - my feeling, and i keep it to myself, is that it was a one off on both occasions, the men are loving, good with the kids, good providers and my friends should just let it go, but they cant, resentment boils away - i dont really understand that to be honest. either get over it or leave.
i would never call vanilla out dated or superficial or anything else like that - bit arrogant - *my* way is mine and doesnt give me the right to judge others. theyre happy, thats all that matters surely.
why i cant be vanilla is all about that understanding i mentioned in youre other thread about 'domestic service' - i have always attracted Dominant/domineering controlling types but until i came *here* as in Ds/Ms men never actually 'got' me - because i am of a submissive type i am far more accepting of the man wanting to be the boss, to the point where these unrealised D types saw my acceptance as weak, someone to walk on and push around. because i accepted it their behaviour towards me got worse in fact, and at times downright abusive. here my personality is understood, but more than that, it is positively encouraged and drawn from. i am understood here, the men 'get' me, they want my submission because it fulfills that Dominant need and a symbiosis occurs.
ive seen people dismiss consent here, but to me it is the crux of all things. when i start a relationship with a Dominant my consent is given and in that giving there is power (my power) i choose to give it over. those vanilla men took my power without understanding what they were taking or the responsibility they automatically assumed by taking it and is why i am here and not there.
i want to add here actually that all of those guys were kinky, some of a poly mindset and all were dominant - had they read about being a dominant and what a sub was they might have done a better job of it -
i think that often society gets in the way - tells you that submissive types are weak and dominant men are bad - so they struggled with their burgeoning confusion on various things and failed to make the mental leap that it was ok to be dominant and that they could get a whole lot more out of me if they didnt go at me like a ton of bricks on a downhill slope.
|
|
|
|
