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naive newbie question (batting my eyelashes) - 4/8/2006 10:23:12 PM   
johnnyknots


Posts: 20
Joined: 10/15/2005
Status: offline 		Does anyone think it's possible to find a domme that might be up for some bdsm play without wanting anything else (i.e. money, relationship, sex, etc.).  I've had women domme me in the past and it was just that - we both got off on our respective roles and there wasn't much more to it than that.   I knew that situation wasn't plentiful, but it seems now like maybe it doesn't exist at all.  What are people's experiences here? 
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RE: naive newbie question (batting my eyelashes) - 4/8/2006 10:36:38 PM   
Spankinatrix


Posts: 90
Joined: 7/5/2004
Status: offline 		That is how it goes with the vast majority of my partners, although we do usually have a light friendship on the side.  I wouldn't think of calling most of them if I were in a crisis, but we all hang out in groups at fetish functions and whatnot.  For the really casual stuff we have to run into each other at a fetish convention for a very basic scene in the public dungeon area.  I suggest giving that route a try.
N

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RE: naive newbie question (batting my eyelashes) - 4/8/2006 10:41:12 PM   
MsDominiquenz


Posts: 65
Joined: 4/1/2006
Status: offline 		I sometimes see someone for the heck of it, but they need to be showing quite some talent, and be holding a big box of chocolates !!



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RE: naive newbie question (batting my eyelashes) - 4/8/2006 11:29:10 PM   
MsSophie


Posts: 142
Joined: 3/26/2006
From: Stockholm, Sweden
Status: offline 		You seek in your profile, and this post, a woman who will beat and humiliate you - but who will be allowed to do that purely for the sake of the beating and the humiliation. You offer no commitment - for love or friendship  and she won't even get a shag at the end of it?

I suspect you'd find that the vast majority of dommes on here - pro or non-pro - would go to the end of the world for their friends, beat them for hours on end if needed and happily spit in faces until they suffered dehydration - but why would you want to go through all that trouble for someone who won't be there for you, in your time of need?

Personally I often play with friends, and I am not even looking for someone who wants to have a regular relationship - but that doesn't mean I offer no commitment. To play with someone who offer none back makes me feel used and objectified.

My boys drop by for coffee or lunch when they're in the neighbourhood, my T-girls and I gather for a lovely girly dinner party once a month and they take turns being serving-girl. There is no payment involved and no exclusive relationship - but there is a vast amount of friendship.

If you want the convenience of detachment from your everyday life, then go to a professional, who offer just that, and pay for her time.

(in reply to MsDominiquenz)
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RE: naive newbie question (batting my eyelashes) - 4/8/2006 11:41:19 PM   
slaveboy2000


Posts: 1
Joined: 8/23/2004
Status: offline 		Although I don't expect the sex (mmm, chastity), if you don't want any form of relationship (even friendship), you really should be considering professional entertainment, because it does not sound like you are looking for anything else.

Of course, the world is full of people, good luck in finding what you want!

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RE: naive newbie question (batting my eyelashes) - 4/8/2006 11:55:05 PM   
johnnyknots


Posts: 20
Joined: 10/15/2005
Status: offline 		I can certainly understand that.  And my goal would not be to make anyone feel bad.  I guess I was just wondering if it was possible that a woman could be into just being a domme in that scene without anything else attached to it in the same way that I could be into just being a sub without anything attatched to it. 

Some people have sex with one another and it doesn't mean anything to them except the pleasure of the sex - I've been with women who have felt that way - often when I've wanted more.  So how is it different with roleplay?  If each person is into it, and nothing more, who is getting hurt?  To convince someone to do it under false pretenses would be hurtful.  I'm being very upfront. 

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RE: naive newbie question (batting my eyelashes) - 4/9/2006 12:00:21 AM   
johnnyknots


Posts: 20
Joined: 10/15/2005
Status: offline 		So, then is it your contention, then, Slaveboy2000 and Ms Sophie, that women don't want to enter into a situation where they would domme a guy where the reward would just be that they enjoyed it?  Are you saying that there'd have to be a relationship of some kind or $ exchanged?

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RE: naive newbie question (batting my eyelashes) - 4/9/2006 12:16:19 AM   
maybeican


Posts: 25
Joined: 9/1/2005
Status: offline 		Interesting Concept. Do I Pro or do I not? Am I cheap or am I not?
Answer that one yourself.

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RE: naive newbie question (batting my eyelashes) - 4/9/2006 3:49:53 AM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: johnnyknots

I can certainly understand that.  And my goal would not be to make anyone feel bad.  I guess I was just wondering if it was possible that a woman could be into just being a domme in that scene without anything else attached to it in the same way that I could be into just being a sub without anything attatched to it. 

Some people have sex with one another and it doesn't mean anything to them except the pleasure of the sex - I've been with women who have felt that way - often when I've wanted more.  So how is it different with roleplay?  If each person is into it, and nothing more, who is getting hurt?  To convince someone to do it under false pretenses would be hurtful.  I'm being very upfront.


I understand what he is saying and I don't see anything wrong with it... at least he is being honest about it. There have been many times I thought it would be cool to have someone I could just torture occasionally with no strings attached... you know the old addage...friends don't let friends sleep alone? Well, same thing, different spin on it.. that's all.

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RE: naive newbie question (batting my eyelashes) - 4/9/2006 4:22:55 AM   
MistressDiane


Posts: 334
Joined: 2/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: johnnyknots

Does anyone think it's possible to find a domme that might be up for some bdsm play without wanting anything else (i.e. money, relationship, sex, etc.).  I've had women domme me in the past and it was just that - we both got off on our respective roles and there wasn't much more to it than that.   I knew that situation wasn't plentiful, but it seems now like maybe it doesn't exist at all.  What are people's experiences here? 


I'll admit it....Been there, done that and I can't say I'll never do it again, though it's not my preference. Nothing wrong with it if that's what you want you'll find it.

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"..and they who danced were thought insane by those who refused to hear the music." ~Monet

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RE: naive newbie question (batting my eyelashes) - 4/9/2006 4:51:39 AM   
TeeGO


Posts: 451
Joined: 12/11/2005
Status: offline 		OK, where's the line begin for this one?

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RE: naive newbie question (batting my eyelashes) - 4/9/2006 5:26:24 AM   
MsSonnetMarwood


Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

  I can certainly understand that.  And my goal would not be to make anyone feel bad.  I guess I was just wondering if it was possible that a woman could be into just being a domme in that scene without anything else attached to it in the same way that I could be into just being a sub without anything attatched to it. 


I think many Dommes have played with someone we met at a dungeon party casually, without it being any more than just that scene.  Quite honestly, it's been a while since I've done that because I really just don't get a lot out of it.   There always seems to be single males wandering around at parties looking for someone - anyone - to play with them, and I find it quite pathetic.  They often wear the air of desparation like bad cologne.

And here's the thing - I certainly don't consider it "domme" and "sub".  It's pure topping and bottoming - there is no submission to My will because there is no "me" in the equation, IMHO.  It's not that it has to be "all about me" but in such a case, I am nothing more than a toybag.

If someone approached me with the "I don't even want to be friends and go out to a cup of coffee with you on occasion, but I want to get naked with you and have you do x, y, z to me", the answer is a resounding NO.  It is, at it's heart, using me, and I have an issue with that. 

I think you have to really ask yourself WHY you think that you can't even offer a friendship to a person who is a play partner.  Is that really asking too much of yourself to invest yourself in a friendship with someone you basically want to be intimate with?    Madonna/whore complex?   Flat out lazy?  Do you only see a Domme as a life support system for your fetish?  That's something you should ponder on.

There's always the possibility of finding exactly what you want, but the probability certainly varies.

< Message edited by MsSonnetMarwood -- 4/9/2006 5:54:46 AM >

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RE: naive newbie question (batting my eyelashes) - 4/9/2006 7:13:16 AM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline 		I have read this once or twice since it was originally posted. Though the OP is seeking plain & simple BDSM exchange I would not consider him to be that wanking-wannabe-do-me type. He is being quite honest & sincere about what he what & expects from his involvement with another.

Let me comment about something that came to mind when I last read over this...

Most often a non-committed casual interaction will take place at a play party. Sometimes singles show up without a play partner open to the idea of playing with someone they meet & I have been to parties where the energy was so good that we made fast work of our submissive partners & simply wanted MORE & was open to beating just about any ass that presented itself. That is a rare occasion but one that I have witnessed & been part of in the past.

I also started thinking about the whole casual play thing & what my observations reveal. It seems that the newest of the new will tend to shy back because they have not found (for lack of a better word) 'confidence in their ability' so they do not readily engage in casual public play or take people up on offers for play in a private setting. Often they worry that they have not the skills to carry out a good scene & won't risk what they perceive as embarrassment.

Then you have the less than new. These folks have been in it or dabbling for a couple of years. They are just starting to come into their own & are really caught up in the "play" aspect of this. These types seem to look for any & every chance to play... they attend all of the parties, they have a jam packed play bag that is color coordinated with their outfit... you get my point & I'm sure you have seen this type. This is most likely that type of person that the OP will find luck with... someone who is feeling the moment & really into the surface level/superficial play.

Then you come to the types that have been at this for a long while or have had at least one deep bonding connection with a partner if not more than one. They have experienced what takes place when two get past that superficial place. They explore those deep places that so many do not even realize exist. You find that the emotional & mental connection that you can achieve with a person you bond with is much more of a mind-fuck for both than any toy in the bag or the finest furnished dungeon. Well those things can get a girl wet too (he-he) but somehow they just don't mean diddly if I am not experiencing them with someone that I am completely connected to.

This type of person is not going to be interested in what you are seeking. Though you feel your expectation is really not asking much, it reads more like someone just wants to use my BDSM experience/interest to fulfill their own need thus the suggestions that you seek out a pro. Really, having a pro beat the daylights out of you & then send you home isn't such a bad suggestion & it is far easier to obtain than going through the paces it would take to find a non-pro type that would 'do ya' just for the sake of doing you.



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RE: naive newbie question (batting my eyelashes) - 4/9/2006 7:52:51 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: johnnyknots

Does anyone think it's possible to find a domme that might be up for some bdsm play without wanting anything else (i.e. money, relationship, sex, etc.). I've had women domme me in the past and it was just that - we both got off on our respective roles and there wasn't much more to it than that. I knew that situation wasn't plentiful, but it seems now like maybe it doesn't exist at all. What are people's experiences here?


I'd start getting involved in different kink venues and making friends.

Having friends to play casually with is a great way to get your BDSM needs and interests met without romantic or other levels of involvement.

I've done it a few times with a few friends but they had to be my friends. Strangers would not work for me.

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Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

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RE: naive newbie question (batting my eyelashes) - 4/9/2006 9:26:34 AM   
johnnyknots


Posts: 20
Joined: 10/15/2005
Status: offline 		I just want to say that I appreciate all the replies both for and against.  Everyone's given me a lot to think about.  The reason I don't want anything else than the roleplay is that I'm married.  I've been give permission to explore this outside of the marriage with the condition being that I wouldn't get involved on any other level.  I thought that I had that in my profile, but I've filled out quite a few....and sometimes I've done so at odd hours and on an impulse. 

At any rate, maybe a pro IS the best way to go in this situation.  I'm wondering if I'll go any further with any of it.  In truth, I've had an offer from a woman I had a fling with before I was married (she was and still is married).  She lives a few hours away so in many ways it would be an ideal situation.  But I know that most of the reason she'd be doing it is because she's admittedly infatuated with me.  And that's why I don't think I can do it with her.  I could probably walk away from it easier, but I think she'd be hurt and I like her so I wouldn't want to see that happen (frankly, I wouldn't want to see that happen even if I didn't like her).    

Maybe what I want is not possible on my end.  I may be too sensitive to be as detattched as I think I could be.  And maybe I'd feel guilty even though my wife said ok.  She's pretty vanilla and I'm afraid she doesn't realize that no sex doesn't mean it's not sexual in nature.

Again, I appreciate everyone's input.

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RE: naive newbie question (batting my eyelashes) - 4/9/2006 9:32:15 AM   
Spankinatrix


Posts: 90
Joined: 7/5/2004
Status: offline 		In response to MsSonnetMarwood:
And here's the thing - I certainly don't consider it "domme" and "sub".  It's pure topping and bottoming - there is no submission to My will because there is no "me" in the equation, IMHO.  It's not that it has to be "all about me" but in such a case, I am nothing more than a toybag.


I am in absolute agreement here - pure topping and bottoming.  That can be fun, but there is a difference.  I certainly don't let myself experiement and enjoy much, it is more a working out of energy.
N

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RE: naive newbie question (batting my eyelashes) - 4/9/2006 12:15:51 PM   
MsSonnetMarwood


Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

At any rate, maybe a pro IS the best way to go in this situation.  I'm wondering if I'll go any further with any of it. 


Seeing a pro is certainly the direct route to finding someone to play with you AND getting the type of play you want.  Expect that you will need to invest a little bit of time finding a pro who's style is the right fit for you. although as you seem to have a good idea of what kind of scene you want does help in that process.  www.maxfisch.com is a good site to locate a prodomme local to you.

Even though having your partner's permission to explore is a bonus, the reality is that having a partner, and not wanting any kind of commitment/other interaction with a Domme severely limits your possibilities of finding a non-pro to play with.  Every limitation that you put up further limits what is already a small pool of women.

I think that all D/s interaction takes a fair amount of personal investment  -  if not investing yourself in a relationship regardless of it being a friendship or a grand romance, then certainly an investment of finances by seeing a pro.  It's also investing in learning both about BDSM and about what makes it tick for you.  Showing up isn't enough - there are far more men out there looking for no-strings casual play than there are women willing to engage in it.   

If you chose the other route and try to establish an ongoing friendship/play partnership with a lifestyle Domme, you also need to be really careful about how it affects everyone involved.  Saying you don't want emotional involvement is one thing - but when you engage in play that accesses and brings to the surface very deep emotions and fantasies, then you've got a problem on your hands in how to deal with the repercussions.  Intimacy breeds intimacy. 

< Message edited by MsSonnetMarwood -- 4/9/2006 12:19:09 PM >

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RE: naive newbie question (batting my eyelashes) - 4/9/2006 3:04:22 PM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		Possible yes.  Probable No.  Even less possible when you bat your eyelashes, to me that appears like you feel guilty for asking the question you already know the answer to.
 
Which is not at all unlikely because you are married and deep down you sense that you are being a cad to your wife and a cad to the prospective Domme you only want to use. And I even suspect your motives for not engaging with the other woman are cad based. You are most  likely not wanting to get involved not because you could hurt her feelings, you most likely do not wish to tangle up your life with her neediness, or are not super hot for her.
 
Sorry if this sounds mean, its not meant to be, its meant to give you a reality check that your motivations seem to be selfish and destructive to the people in your life. Not that it is my place to say, I realize that, but sometimes even if it hurts it also sets you free.
 
 

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RE: naive newbie question (batting my eyelashes) - 4/9/2006 6:34:29 PM   
johnnyknots


Posts: 20
Joined: 10/15/2005
Status: offline 		Crouchingtigress:

Batting the eyelashes was just kind of a flirty thing.  I think I am discovering the anwser as I talk about it here and elsewhere, I don't think I've conciously known it.  It's interesting that you make a number of assumptions about what my true intentions are without knowing me at all.  It probably says a lot more about your experiences than mine.  Which is fine, we all see life through our own filter - it couldn't really be any other way.

The girl upstate has a family she's devoted to and I honestly don't think she wants to leave them or get tangled up with me for anything long-term (and I don't think she's needy just for liking me by the way - what would that say about me?).  And she's a red head with a pretty face and a big ass.  I'm plenty hot for her.  She's sensitive with a very rough edge and in the time I spent with her and the time e-mailing before and afterwords, I got to see a little of the sweet side and we had some real bonding moments.  I genuinely don't want to see her get hurt, and I don't want myself to have any romantic feelings stirred up b/c I really want to be true to my wife.

Life is not always so black and white as: you're either a "cad" to the people around you or you're prince charming.  Haven't you ever been in a situation that wasn't ideal and you had thoughts about doing things that might not be pretty to get unfulfilled needs met? 

I'm in a loving realtionship with a woman whose pretty vanilla and despite her trying, kink is not very satisfying.  I still very much love her and want to be with her.   I could have ran out and just done this with someone, but instead, I had a full conversation with her about it and got permission to do it.  AND even in spite of that, haven't acted on it.

I'm not an innocent, faultless lamb or anything, but ultimately, I'm mostly a nice guy in a complex situation who genuinely cares about the consequences of his actions on other people.  My wife, the girl upstate, and yes even the woman I'd been thinking aboout acting this out with (whomever she might be).  That's one of the main reasons I'm on this forum.  To help in figuring it out.

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RE: naive newbie question (batting my eyelashes) - 4/10/2006 8:42:39 AM   
FLsubmalecd


Posts: 143
Status: offline 		My problem is the opposite. I am one that wants a relationship, a life partner including love. I'm not into just playing. I think a commitment is needed to forefill all my needs in a D/s realtionsship or scene. To each there own.
I see way to many Dommes that seem to have more then one sub..NOT FOR ME! I want an exclusive one on one relationship. To be one of a stable of subs is demeaning to me. Then there are all the pros. NOT FOR ME! Then there are many Domme's that want female subs. Leaves me out.
So it appears your search is as narrow as mine. But I'll keep looking and hoping I will find her or she will find me. The biggest problem is shear numbers. Far more male subs to the amount of Domme women. sigh........ 

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