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LadyPact -> RE: Reality of BDSM porn and fantasy (5/28/2010 9:21:15 AM)
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I'm going to attempt to answer some of these. However, I'm doing so on the basis that I want a new understanding between you and Me. In My answers, I am going to be honest with you to the best of My ability. In exchange, I want you to accept that I am doing so and listen to what I have to say from that premise.
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ORIGINAL: SocratesNot
After all said I have some questions:
Why is fantasy sometimes very extreme and in this case people would never do what they are fantasizing about in RL, but still, they are aroused by such fantasy?
In some cases, I think people are frightened of certain extremes. They might end up enjoying it more than they feel they can come to terms with.
The more common answer, however, is that certain fantasies clash with ethical or moral standards in some way. An example of this would be that many people, both tops and bottoms, are turned on by rape scenes. While many would happily engage in this activity as a 'role play' scene, they would never want it to be real in a situation where the person (to be technical about it, the victim) did not consent to the activity. One is fun, the other is criminal.
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How does this attraction to extreme and unsafe stuff which is depicted in fantasy influence their real life relationship?
I did skip ahead to post six to see what you considered extreme and unsafe. The only one of those that I really identify with is the one regarding using someone as a human ashtray. I'm actually surprised that one made your list at all, since flicking cigarette ashes into someone's hand is also technically being used as an ashtray. (Putting the cigarette out on someone is the more extreme, which is probably what you meant.) Literally, unless you want to get into the second hand smoke debate, I'm amazed that one even made your list.
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If someone fantasize about bad and abusive Dom or Domme, what are the chances of him / her really ending up in such relationship?
Very slim. As I said earlier, most people involved in wiitwd are not especially immoral or unethical people. The ratio of folks who actually are abusive is no higher or lower among kinky folks than they are among vanilla folks.
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What is the thing in someone's mind that cause him to be turned on by extremely unhealthy and destructive things, even if only in fantasy?
I can answer that for you any better than I can answer why some people are sadists or masochists. I have no idea why kinky folks are wired differently than non kinky folks. It could be something in our DNA or the electrical impulses in our brains fire differently. I honestly don't know if we will know why during the course of My lifetime. I accept the fact that I'm sadistic without the knowing why.
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I understand that such people would never actually do this, but they still fantasize and still get turned on. What is the part of us that makes us aroused by some
really fucked up shit?
On this one, you're just going to have to take My word on it. When I use My little flippant phrase about "I don't have fantasies, I have goals" there is a truthful basis for that. I tend to fantasize about things that I can actually accomplish. I take My topping skills very seriously. I educate Myself about risks and minimize them as much as possible. I have a huge hang up about folks who are ignorant (meaning they didn't bother to educate themselves) about certain types of play, yet believe they are competent to engage in that activity with another human being. To Me, it's reckless and there's not a reason on the planet for it that I think is justified.
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I think this is not what THEY do. This is what WE do. All of us are sometimes turned on by the things which, if they became reality,
would have really bad consequences.
I think I addressed that already.
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Can presence of such fantasies really have bad effect on our relationships.
Taking you very literally here for a moment. A fantasy never harmed anyone. Only actions can do that.
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I mean the more you pursue satisfaction of these dark fantasies the more risky, unhealthy and dangerous relationship can be.
However,
the less you pursue satisfaction of such dark fantasies, the more boring, empty and unsatisfying relationship can be.
For someone like Me, that first sentence tends to be the other way around. I consider Myself always in the pursuit of being a better top. I never stop seeking to better educate Myself, learn new techniques, and use that knowledge when I play. I'm still of the school that says if you're going to play with that whip, you should have it in your hand practicing before you ever go near a living target with it.
The second sentence I'm not especially sure if I consider true. If a person has a fantasy, a rape fantasy for example, it doesn't necessarily mean they are bored with their sex life or relationship if they don't live it out. It might turn them on to think about it while they are with their partner and could potentially make their sex life hotter if they use it in that fashion.
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How to be wise in such things?
Education, plain and simple.
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