RE: anyone else out there only feel submissive when they're miserable?

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RE: anyone else out there only feel submissive when the... - 6/1/2010 4:03:03 PM

sugarbabylove

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Ummm... being treated like shit makes me feel the opposite of submissive. Always.

I think I understand what you mean though and I wonder if its some sort of emotional masochism? We may talk about physical masochism and possibly understand it, but emotional? Hardly ever.

He is currently playing with a physically masochistic sub. I understand all the whys and wherefores but, quite surprisingly, am experiencing emotions that I did not expect. I am turned on; I feel more submissive, more needy and, quite frankly, hornier. Now, if he totally disregarded me this would not be the case but, because he is careful, patient and thorough and because I trust him, I am experiencing feelings I never expected.

Maybe this is similar for you, only deeper and harsher?

(in reply to UniqueRaven)

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RE: anyone else out there only feel submissive when the... - 6/3/2010 6:48:13 AM

NymphetamineGirl

Posts: 55
Joined: 11/29/2009
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to the OP:

You deserve a relationship that meeds your need for humilation and couples it with the love and care required to come back from such experiences...wherein you choose to offer this, rather than have it taken from you, and wherein he cherishes your gift, rather than ridicules it.

What happened to you is only one physical step from rape and I think it is very serious...I fear you are in real danger from violence and transgressions by those who cannot appreciate you and who will abuse your beautiful abilities for their own derisive sick pleasure.

Not sure what your path would be to get there, but I dare say you are in the right place for now, and I pray you have someone in your life who you can trust to talk about these feelings and offer insight and plant seeds of self-worth.

You seem to be enduring a lot of damage to get this, which tells me how desperately you need it. I think you must be very special and that your emotional survival (perhaps even your physical one) depends on meeting this need in a healthy, loving way. I can't emphasize enough how loud the alarm bells are going off in my head for you, but compassion has always driven my life so :)

PLEASE take care of yourself...you are clearly too precious to waste.

(in reply to sugarbabylove)

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RE: anyone else out there only feel submissive when the... - 6/3/2010 8:40:46 AM

kuppykake

Posts: 125
Joined: 7/22/2009
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Perhaps it is the discipline of the former job that enticed you. For me, I crave a certain structure and I often welcome a challenge, because I am very determined. Sounds to me that while you enjoy your life as it is now, you crave that challenging aspect of it that lets your submissive side come out to play. I think you are quite normal, you just need your ass beat like the rest of us :P

(in reply to UniqueRaven)

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RE: anyone else out there only feel submissive when the... - 6/3/2010 2:44:44 PM

FlamingRedhead

Posts: 451
Joined: 3/4/2007
From: Georgia
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*sings* I'm only happy when it rains.....pour your misery down on me.....

I don't know if "miserable" is the right word for me. I do know that when everything's right with the world I'm a bit fiestier and could stand to be taken down a notch or 2. When the sky is falling, I seek a cathartic release through hard play.

It's the person I'm with who makes me feel submissive. Part of this is through humiliation and denial. I revel in it. I guess, in a sense, I'm happy being miserable and/or an emotional masochist. People think he's so mean to me, condescending, rude, etc., but I love it. It's hard to explain that while there might be a bit of truth in what he says I can tell he's just fucking with me. The few times he's crossed the line, I've let him know, and I rarely have to tell him twice where that line is. That shows me that he does, indeed, respect me. We tell each other "I hate you," but it's only the way we say "I love you."

Being truly stressed out and miserable, feeling disrespected and used, does absolutely nothing for me but make me want to curl up in a ball and cry or punch someone in the face.

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I'm so addicted to
All the things you do
When you're going down on me
In between the sheets
Or the sound you make
With every breath you take
It's unlike anything
When you're loving me

(in reply to gungadin09)

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RE: anyone else out there only feel submissive when the... - 6/3/2010 3:05:13 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
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Some very interesting replies, especially Sunshinemiss and UniqueRaven. I find that stress and sadness manifest themselves differently. Submission while being stressed, which I deal with constantly in my job, is very carthartic, but it has nothing to do with my self esteem; it is just a great release.

Being sad or miserable though...trying to submit during those times leaves a different feeling than catharsis...it is almost as if the experience of submission did not "take".

In the end though, if you value yourself, you are aware of how your moods impact your submission. And as someone said, it is really the person, not the situations that inspire one to be submissive, at least for me.

(in reply to FlamingRedhead)

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RE: anyone else out there only feel submissive when the... - 6/3/2010 6:21:09 PM

Andalusite

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FlamingRedhead, I was thinking of that song too. "I'm only subbie when it rains, I feel good when things are going wrong, I only listen to the sad, sad songs..." So far, I haven't really experienced emotional masochism, but I think it would be unhealthy to try to engage in it with someone I wasn't dating, particularly co-workers. Sexyred, I agree that masochism can be very emotionally cathartic, even when I wasn't consciously upset beforehand. Sobbing until my nose is running and my eyes are red and I can barely breathe can feel very cleansing and relaxing afterward.

(in reply to sexyred1)

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RE: anyone else out there only feel submissive when the... - 6/9/2010 12:05:16 AM

petmonkey

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Joined: 7/7/2009
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i tend to feel more submissive and act so when i'm content, feeling secure and enjoying life. But then, i don't do well with humiliation. For me, it's a que that i'm not taking care of myself if i allow that kind of behavior in my life.
i think lally has a point, it's the humiliation and exhibitionism that turned your gears---finding someone that can do that while not making you generally miserable in the process is key.
Although feeling miserable could be a turn-on, i suppose. At best, i'd say that searching out misery would be very risky behavior and at worst, i'd say talk to a kink-aware therapist with the aim of finding out the root causes of this particular turn-on before searching for a partner. You might find that once you understand the psychology behind your sexual excitement better, you'll be able to incorporate it into your life as someone's submissive in a balanced way. This is just my overly subjective opinion. i realize that i can't see the appeal and have a hard time understanding other people's desire for those styles of play.

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RE: anyone else out there only feel submissive when the... - 6/9/2010 2:02:41 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
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~FR~

so you had a lousy job working with a bunch of lousy people having to serve lousy customers.... and it turned you on....
i can relate to that totally

i think it is wonderful you found a better job and are happier

so to get a buzz i suggest looking for a lousy second job...
maybe a saturday job as a barmaid in a rundown bar, wear a low top... you'll sure get gauwked at...
or an afternoon in a higstreet coffeeshop as waitress... maybe you get to wear a cute but stupid lil dress and apron too... yummie
or chamber maids in a hotel... making all the beds.... oooh

jobs like these are so easy to pick up and drop again
good luck

(in reply to gungadin09)

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RE: anyone else out there only feel submissive when the... - 6/9/2010 9:14:42 PM

Glasgow

Posts: 248
Joined: 6/7/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: gungadin09

i go through these "phases" of submission. When i feel worthless and miserable, i get really turned on. A year ago i had this job where everyone treated me like shit. It would be wet all day long, and then i would go home and mastrubate. The meaner they were, the hornier i felt. It got to the point where it was interfering with my life. It was making me slightly crazy. Being treated that badly was almost hypnotic. It was like being in a trance. i felt like i was actually living the life of a slave. There was a customer that came in every day just to gawk at me and act like a jerk just to see my reaction. i think he figured out i was submissive even before i did. I fell in love with him. Then he told all his friends, so they could come in and gawk at me too. It was like being on display, like at the zoo, or something. Eventually, i got so angry that i quit, but in the meantime it made me really horny.

My question is this: i haven't felt horny since this happened. i have a hard time feeling submissive, and i think it's because i'm happy now. i have a good job. Everybody's really nice. My job is boring, but satisfying, and i'm paid well. Nobody is yelling at me or treating me like shit. i'm living in a place where i feel safe and respected. i actually have self esteem. But i don't feel submissive. Does anyone else have this problem? Do you feel that you have to be miserable in order to be submissive/horny?
pam

I used to be very unhappy (last year my therapist told me I had the signs of at least moderate depression; now I take Lexapro and my quality of life has dramatically improved). My depression peaked when I began to sexually mature, which I believe is one of the reasons that I constantly crave submission.

I can relate quite well to what you're describing. But I would like to note that it may be dangerous to relate sexual excitement to stress and abuse. It can be a very hard mindset to break. I tried to do it myself, but I gave up because it was so strongly ingrained in my personality. Just make sure that you don't accept abuse to get off.

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RE: anyone else out there only feel submissive when the... - 6/9/2010 10:10:47 PM

gungadin09

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Joined: 3/19/2010
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Thanks to everyone for their concern. i hope i didn't alarm you guys too much. i'm doing much better now that i was then, a year ago. Like i said, this stuff happened before i realised i was submissive, or rather, it caused me to realise it. Now that i've "come out" i realise how the problems i've often had at work (not just this one job...) were related to submission. i understand that i was trying to "act out" my fantasies in unhealthy ways. i never knew that. i thought i was just crazy, or some kind of freak.

Now that i finally understand what motivates my behavior, it makes it easier for me. My first Dom wasn't very good, but i'm grateful to Him for putting me on Collarme. Just having the chance to talk to other people about these issues has helped me tremendously. It's a relief to get this stuff off my chest, and also hearing other people's opinions helps me to put my experiences in perspective.

Anyway, thanks, all. i hope you're not too worried about me, because i think i'm doing fine, now. Oh, and there's this really cool dom that i just met at work...

pam

(in reply to Glasgow)

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RE: anyone else out there only feel submissive when the... - 6/10/2010 1:59:01 AM

delicatelydirty

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Joined: 2/7/2010
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I find that I am most submissive when I am strongest and happiest, when I am sad, I shut everyone out... and chose not to be vulnerable

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RE: anyone else out there only feel submissive when the... - 6/10/2010 6:26:03 AM

petmonkey

Posts: 1053
Joined: 7/7/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: gungadin09

Thanks to everyone for their concern. i hope i didn't alarm you guys too much. i'm doing much better now that i was then, a year ago. Like i said, this stuff happened before i realised i was submissive, or rather, it caused me to realise it. Now that i've "come out" i realise how the problems i've often had at work (not just this one job...) were related to submission. i understand that i was trying to "act out" my fantasies in unhealthy ways. i never knew that. i thought i was just crazy, or some kind of freak.

Now that i finally understand what motivates my behavior, it makes it easier for me. My first Dom wasn't very good, but i'm grateful to Him for putting me on Collarme. Just having the chance to talk to other people about these issues has helped me tremendously. It's a relief to get this stuff off my chest, and also hearing other people's opinions helps me to put my experiences in perspective.

Anyway, thanks, all. i hope you're not too worried about me, because i think i'm doing fine, now. Oh, and there's this really cool dom that i just met at work...

pam

my initial response to this is:

Hooray!

Edited to capitalize the "H".

< Message edited by petmonkey -- 6/10/2010 6:32:09 AM >

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