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RE: Coming out [as a sub] - 4/10/2006 7:38:51 AM   
wild1cfl


Posts: 567
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: nursemary

LA.. you're not very nice sometimes..



You may think she is not very nice, but I think she tries to repsond to your questions with honesty and the knowledge that she has gained over many years in this lifestyle. From my perspective you are not willing ot listen to the advice, you just want to try and justify everything that we have tried ot help with in our replies.

(in reply to nursemary)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Coming out [as a sub] - 4/10/2006 7:42:41 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: wild1cfl
quote:

ORIGINAL: nursemary
LA.. you're not very nice sometimes..

You may think she is not very nice, but I think she tries to repsond to your questions with honesty and the knowledge that she has gained over many years in this lifestyle. From my perspective you are not willing ot listen to the advice, you just want to try and justify everything that we have tried ot help with in our replies.

You're both right.  I'm not very nice sometimes.  Sometimes I don't coat my words with honey and make them easy to swallow.  I accept that it might make it less likely to be listened to- but in some cases it might make them MORE likely to be listened to.  Not because they are more caustic, but because they are simply direct and can shock a person into a certain perspective.

It's a gamble. But I can assure you that it's a very RARE occasion when a post is received with a voice I didn't intend.  I'm a nice person, who sometimes isn't very nice.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to wild1cfl)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Coming out [as a sub] - 4/10/2006 7:43:12 AM   
mixielicous


Posts: 1283
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: Boston area, Massachusetts
Status: offline 		no i appreciate your honesty. i just dont understand why our accesories should have to fit in with the environment. why should we change a collar to avoid a question? i am not ashamed,trying to hide who i am, just prepare for the situation. im sorry i have trouble putting thoughts to words sometimes, like now.

(in reply to slavejali)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Coming out [as a sub] - 4/10/2006 7:44:24 AM   
nursemary


Posts: 8
Joined: 7/14/2005
Status: offline 		LA  I actually like much of what you have to say.. as I've been reading the boards and I think we have some similarities in thought.  AND at times you have a caustic edge that might cause the message to be unheard.. which actually is sad.  mary

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Coming out [as a sub] - 4/10/2006 7:48:11 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mixielicous
no i appreciate your honesty. i just dont understand why our accesories should have to fit in with the environment. why should we change a collar to avoid a question? i am not ashamed,trying to hide who i am, just prepare for the situation. im sorry i have trouble putting thoughts to words sometimes, like now.

Why should we wear clothes in the summer?  I know *I* would be much happier to be naked everywhere.

And I agree with you- one SHOULDN'T have to do it.

But that's not the world we live in.

If you want to make yourself an advocate for those things and enact a change, go for it.

I'm not an activist.  Like I said, IN COLLEGE, I wore a big black leather collar.  In the workforce I am in now, it would be inappropriate.  I prefer having the income that I have to the pleasure of wearing a collar and do NOT consider it a sacrifice or compromise to not wear the collar, so I don't.

For you, you may decide that it would be a compromise for yourself.  At that point you can find a job that works for you that doesn't require you to remove the collar, or go work on the laws and culture and make it not an issue for any job.

We all have to pick and choose our own battles.  But simply saying "fuck you, it's who I am" is very rarely a good way to handle things.  It suggests a lack of understanding of the issues, a refusal to deal with actual emotions, and a lack of respect for the other sides perspective.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to mixielicous)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Coming out [as a sub] - 4/10/2006 7:50:30 AM   
mixielicous


Posts: 1283
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: Boston area, Massachusetts
Status: offline 		well, in this case, i guess being blue collar [haha no pun intended, i am referencing the working class] will work out for me.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Coming out [as a sub] - 4/10/2006 8:23:46 AM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		Just wanted to add this and I mean it in no way condascending:

Part of growing up entails being able to stand up and be counted, even if no one agrees, or believes the same as you, or even if people think your strange. I do remember that stage in my life, I think sometimes we offer advice from what we have learned through the processes of our own lives and forget that other people need to go through them too and come to their own realisations and conclusions.

Like, I can say now "There is no need to prove yourself and its perfectly ok to accomodate a situation" but its like empty advice if you havent happened upon that realisation yourself...the right thing for you to do right now may very well be to wear that dang collar everywhere you go.

Best of everything to you and good luck

P.S. Damn I'm feeling old lately.

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to mixielicous)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Coming out [as a sub] - 4/10/2006 8:33:37 AM   
valeca


Posts: 403
Joined: 1/9/2006
Status: offline 		I have more concerns about how your Master handled your concerns about it.  Maybe you didn't communicate them well enough for Him to understand, but it definitely appears He's brushed them aside since He's not the one who'll be having to explain the collar.

If you're trying to 'prepare', then get some preset responses ready.

Like:

"What collar?" accompanied by a blank stare. 

"Why are you wearing those shoes?"

"It's covering a hicky, alright?"

"I've joined a cult...wanna come with?  We'll be reaching the seventh astrial plane by thursday."

"You know that old saying mothers use...'You'd lose your head if it wasn't attached...?'  Yeah, well I fixed the problem."

"I'll tell you tomorrow."

"I'm kinky.  Anything else you need to know?"

"I wear it to decry facist oppression and the crushing force of left-wing military tactics used against the helplessness of 3rd world economics."  This should confuse them.  It might even start a fashion trend at your school and your collar will go unnoticed in the hundreds of others that crop up.

On a more serious note:  If you're not ready for the questions, or just not prepared to answer them, then you really should be bringing the matter up with your Master again.  Maybe discuss the possibility of a collar, or other symbol (there are others), that you could proudly wear in public.  My answer to the, "We're freaks, who the fuck cares?" would be..."With all do respect, Master, I do."

I can't imagine you or He would want your lovely symbol of His ownership to become a point of embarrassment for you.  It taints it.




< Message edited by valeca -- 4/10/2006 8:36:18 AM >

_____________________________

~valeca, Owned and Operated by Loraith.

(in reply to mixielicous)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Coming out [as a sub] - 4/10/2006 9:00:02 AM   
mixielicous


Posts: 1283
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: Boston area, Massachusetts
Status: offline 		thank you and your words are excellent and in no way condecending. i understand i have a lot to learn [i am completely aware of my novice status] and i appreciate completely your insight

(in reply to slavejali)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Coming out [as a sub] - 4/10/2006 9:03:12 AM   
mixielicous


Posts: 1283
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: Boston area, Massachusetts
Status: offline 		oh your answers are great, cracked me up. it could be quite possible that i did not clearly portray my concerns to Him, i have trouble expressing myself often, or maybe He did not realize the seriousness of the question proposed. will deff bring it up again. thank you

(in reply to valeca)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Coming out [as a sub] - 4/10/2006 9:23:01 AM   
Moloch


Posts: 1090
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline 		Its college everything goes! other that that I kinda agree with LA.

(in reply to mixielicous)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Coming out [as a sub] - 4/10/2006 10:19:39 AM   
petcerina


Posts: 143
Joined: 4/4/2005
Status: offline 		i'm in a similar situation, however i am not new to the Lifestyle.  i go to a college with about the same number of students, and i wear my collar usually when it matches my outfit because Master does not require me to wear one continuously unless i am in His presence.  The most interesting thing about the reactions to my collar is that i have gotten compliments on it, from all age groups in many situations.  Some refer to it as a choker, and others call it a dog collar, but they do not know what it's true meaning is.  They see it as a piece of punk rock jewlery and go on.  It is not as big of a deal as you may think it is.  i have other friends here who are submissives and they wear their collars with no problems as well. 

As far as coming out, my advice is don't unless you feel it is necessary.  i have told some of my friends and i was met with an attempt to accept it, but an inablility to do so.  Only two of my friends were able to actually and fully accept it.  It has also partly isolated me from a few of my friends.  A reaction that i wish had never had happened.  As a consequence, i tend to keep my submissive life in secret, but not to the point of paranioia.  i'm sure i raise questions with my poster on my wall of a naked lady in a submissive position, the suggestive sites i go to and the continuous wearing of my collar even at night time, but it has not brought up any questions and my roommate and i get along fine although i never plan on telling her everything because i don't feel like she needs to know.  If anyone asks me, i tend to tell them because when faced with direct questions, i'm a horrible liar so i figure i might as well tell the truth.  However, i am rarely asked and when i am, it's usually because they are into BDSM as well. 

As far as telling your family goes, that's another thing i advise against.  After months of debating with my parents, we came to an agreement to have it out of sight, out of mind.  To do so otherwise makes my mom upset to the point of tears.  All attempts to get her to understand my choice has failed and i will try no longer as i don't wish to upset her further.  i am not ashamed of who i am, but i do not advertise it or volunteer information.  That is my suggestion.

(in reply to slavejali)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Coming out [as a sub] - 4/10/2006 10:21:50 AM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

I am petrified. I get my collar on sunday, I am not prepared for the questions, i know they will be endless. I go to a college with 28k students, and have not seen ONE with a collar.


There are probably more collared subs in your college than you realize but they don't advertise it. When they see your collar and recognize it as such, they may befriend you, you may make some new friends that way. After reading your profile i think the collar will fit in nicely with your tats and piercings. If you really don't want to be outed then i would discuss this with your dom and see if he can give you a less conspicious one for public wear.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to mixielicous)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Coming out [as a sub] - 4/10/2006 10:49:22 AM   
mixielicous


Posts: 1283
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: Boston area, Massachusetts
Status: offline 		thank you, out of all the advice i have gotten, no one has mentioned its potential to expand my horizions,, and i had not seen this either. this makes me very optimistic, thank you.

(in reply to proudsub)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Coming out [as a sub] - 4/10/2006 11:21:29 AM   
twicehappy


Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

ORIGINAL: mixielicous
... i dont want to hide who i am.


then don't.  if anyone asks, tell them who you are and exactly what the collar signifies.  be it friends, family or acquaintances.  just be prepared for the variety of responses (shock, amusement, horror, apathy, etc.)and the potential follow-up questions (like, "why?" and "have you seen a therapist?").


Damn, you two are good. This has always been exactly what i have done. My Master and Mistress are the same way. If people, even vanillas ask they are told.There are some vanilla people who come to visit, they just do not ask because they know for sure they will be answered.

My owner’s daughter stopped by the morning after i was collared reached over and touched my collar and congratulated me. My own kids were just as happy for me.



_____________________________

Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Coming out [as a sub] - 4/10/2006 11:32:22 AM   
Moloch


Posts: 1090
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline 		Or come up with some smart ass answers such as  "it keeps the fleas away"  or "I need attention", Smart ass comments is often the right thing unless you are talking to a cop

(in reply to twicehappy)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Coming out [as a sub] - 4/10/2006 11:38:00 AM   
cillydom


Posts: 332
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		To me the collar doesn’t mean all that much, her wanting to be with me is all the affirmation I need as to who and what she is.

If it means more to her than me I can accept that and act accordingly. After all she needs to be pleased too.

But as to wearing it all the time, for me it’s not necessary.


(in reply to mixielicous)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Coming out [as a sub] - 4/10/2006 11:46:00 AM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I am petrified. I get my collar on sunday, I am not prepared for the questions, i know they will be endless. I go to a college with 28k students, and have not seen ONE with a collar.

How do I explain myself w/o coming off insane, how do i tell FAMILY?@?@?

can people share theis coming out experiences with me?


Sweetheart, I think you are sweating the small stuff... you can do one of a few things... if someone asks... which I seriously doubt in this day and age... if you don't want to explain your situation simply tell them it's a fashion statement.. the latest rage. If it's someone that you don't mind telling them what it is... just tell them that you are into an alternative lifestyle and it is like an engagement, going steady, getting pinned... whatever, and leave it at that.... then just to be a smartass you can add "It's the latest thing... surely you've heard of it" and laugh.

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to mixielicous)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Coming out [as a sub] - 4/10/2006 12:03:27 PM   
CERCKL


Posts: 1039
Joined: 3/4/2006
Status: offline
quote:



quote:

ORIGINAL: mixielicous
... i dont want to hide who i am.




then don't.  if anyone asks, tell them who you are and exactly what the collar signifies.  be it friends, family or acquaintances.  just be prepared for the variety of responses (shock, amusement, horror, apathy, etc.)and the potential follow-up questions (like, "why?" and "have you seen a therapist?").


_____________________________

Merc & beth

"The words printed here are concepts. You must go through the experiences." - Saint Augustine


First Marc & beth...I want to state that I love the fact that your quote is St Augustine...I spent more time with him back in college than I ever imagined I would and he still holds a soft spot with me, even if he was a prick...
Second, I won't get into the dynamics of th OP's dynamics with her Master, to each there own...as for how you appear and now you deal with it, damn, it's college, that was part of what I loved being in my late teens and early twenties; never had tats or anything pierced besides my ears, still, I was one of the most extreme looking individuals on campus and downtown and I was amused by the attention garnered...I stayed in several fringe circles and they thought I was extreme, not just dress, but perspective, how I interacted, actions, etc...I was in the Honors College and was surrounded by ties, sweaters, khakis etc and I wore paratrooper boots, military surplus, priest vestments, fifties clothes, punk/goth t shirts, middle eastern clothes or some mixture thereof...when asked How can you wear that, I would respond by placing my head through the large hole at top and my arms through the two smaller holes on the side...in college my advisors, head of departments, instructors usually judged me by my academics not my multi-colored hair...and those who ventured close enough to be critical usually looked confused when left insulted...
Point, besides on teh top of my head, is that you are responsible for what you do...if you choose to be blatant about what you are doing relationship-wise, then know there will be fallout and cope; if you are uncertain, decide what to do and don't whine about your decision...yes, there is a difference between rebellion and individuality.

C

Damn, with that typing again...would someone bring me my coffee and a proofreader?

< Message edited by CERCKL -- 4/10/2006 12:07:46 PM >

_____________________________

AND I AM TOO AN ASSHOLE, I HAVE REFERENCES!!!

"Please, please, please believe me, I really am an asshole. All that Enlightenment and Higher Learning shit was all a ruse."

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Coming out [as a sub] - 4/10/2006 6:38:58 PM   
PenelopePitstop


Posts: 254
Joined: 4/22/2005
From: UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mixielicous

that would be dandy, but i have been chosen a very prominent collar. i dont want to hide who i am.

I find this a little bit ambiguous hun, I think that if you are genuinely readyu to shout out who you are, then these questions you fear shouldn't be an issue.




_____________________________

Wickedness is a myth created by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others ~ Oscar Wilde

"You had me at Goodbye"

(in reply to mixielicous)
Profile   Post #: 40
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