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Dom/sub introductions and meetings - 6/4/2010 3:48:37 PM

BlkDom4subWF

Posts: 2
Joined: 6/18/2007
Status: offline

I have a 2-part question that I've been dying to ask for quite sometime, so please bare with me as I ask my question.

First I'd like to say that I'm fairly new to the forum site despite joining the site many years ago, so I request any sarcastic replies be kept to yourself (if that's all you have to offer) vs genuine responses.

Having said that, from what I've learned about the who D/s lifestyle it would appear that everyone I've encountered to some degree has met and is already paired up with their respective D/s. I've also learned that separate from "subs" looking for a Dom, Domme or Master, anyone else (a Dominant like me) who is "looking" for someone whether a sub or otherwise is deemed as "Trolling".

Therefore, since this is the case, separate from posting a profile (without replies), how does a Dom go about finding and meeting a sub?

My second question is relates to the sexual part of the D/s relationship. Again, from what I've learned, the bond between a D/s is a very complex and intricate part of a relationship whereas Domination is paramount. This appears to be more psychological followed by a phyical Dominance where the sexual aspect of the relationship comes 2nd and takes a back seat. So, how does sexuality or sex come into play with the D/s relationship?

I'm very interested in reading the replies from a sub's perspective.

Post #: 1

RE: Dom/sub introductions and meetings - 6/4/2010 4:00:22 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

Welcome to the forums.

I hate to tell you this, but telling people here not to reply sarcastically won't work. There's a sense of humor and sarcasm at play that I'm sure you will get used to if you stick around. Roll with it, don't personalize it.

I'm not sure who told you looking for a sub is "trolling". If you are sending out the same email to all women without looking at their profile and considering them separately, that's trolling, but other than that, I doubt it. If you can get involved in local groups, that might help.

The third question, there's no one answer to. The answer is whatever you desire that you can get a sane, consentual partner to agree upon. It may sound trite, but that is the answer. If you ask 100 people here for their version of how sex fits into d/s, you will get 100 different answers.

The simple answer is you have to be patient, it takes time. Looking at your profile I would say the race issue might be a turn off for some. There's a ton of threads here on it, I'm not even getting into it. You can search the forums and read it if you want. Other than that, I like your profile, although I am not sure what this means: "Her true essence can be found in her feminine submission which encompases her being."

Good luck to you!

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to BlkDom4subWF)

Post #: 2

RE: Dom/sub introductions and meetings - 6/4/2010 4:08:59 PM

peppermint

Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

quote:

Therefore, since this is the case, separate from posting a profile (without replies), how does a Dom go about finding and meeting a sub?

This has been said countless times in the forum. To meet a submissive go to where submissives go, in other words, attend your local munch. To find a munch google your city or state and the word munch. It's not like you live in the middle of nowhere.

(in reply to BlkDom4subWF)

Post #: 3

RE: Dom/sub introductions and meetings - 6/4/2010 4:09:27 PM

January

Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline

Hi BlkDom,

I'm afraid I don't agree with any of the "things you've learned".

Trying to find a mate is not considered trolling.
Not everyone is paired up already.
Sex is not always secondary in D/s relationships.

I think posters generally get more useful replies when they don't start with a bunch of pre-conceived notions. It's time-consuming for responders to wade through biases, and discuss their validity before a real question is answered.

Which is, according to my reading of your post, "how do I find a sub".

January

< Message edited by January -- 6/4/2010 4:10:57 PM >

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]

(in reply to BlkDom4subWF)

Post #: 4

RE: Dom/sub introductions and meetings - 6/4/2010 4:33:56 PM

BlkDom4subWF

Posts: 2
Joined: 6/18/2007
Status: offline

Laura, Peppermint and January,

Thanks for the reply. This is interesting reading the differring views. I will take into account what you guys shared.

(in reply to January)

Post #: 5

RE: Dom/sub introductions and meetings - 6/4/2010 5:24:51 PM

LittleBroken

Posts: 207
Status: offline

It might be good for you to read the "On your knees, bitch!" thread in Ask a submissive as to approaches NOT to use.

(in reply to BlkDom4subWF)

Post #: 6

RE: Dom/sub introductions and meetings - 6/4/2010 5:30:27 PM

Syrox

Posts: 260
Joined: 5/13/2010
Status: offline

It's that simple? you mean all i had to do was come here and ASK? Here's me been doing the munches.. sending the Cmails and nothing!. Hmph!

In all seriousness though, you may get lucky and find someone on line, it is not at all unheard of, but you may as well get your face known. and someone might take notice of it.. you never know.. just gotta grab the bull by the horns and get out there!

Your biggest weapon has got to be patience though. anything worthwhile isn't going to happen instantly. but don't stress about it, just enjoy the ride. you'll learn as you go.

_____________________________

unless otherwise noted this has been a fast reply. brought to you by the letter M and the number 7.

(in reply to BlkDom4subWF)

Post #: 7

RE: Dom/sub introductions and meetings - 6/4/2010 5:31:31 PM

January

Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline

Hey Syrox,

Didn't you just go to your first much recently? How'd it go?

January

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]

(in reply to Syrox)

Post #: 8

RE: Dom/sub introductions and meetings - 6/4/2010 5:34:06 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LittleBroken

It might be good for you to read the "On your knees, bitch!" thread in Ask a submissive as to approaches NOT to use.

Yeah that's a great point, if you're sending out first emails with fantasy based junk like "on your knees bitch" that might explain the "troll" response. I'm sure it works for some, but around here the consensus seems to be we'd like to talk to a person up front, not a porno ad.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to LittleBroken)

Post #: 9

RE: Dom/sub introductions and meetings - 6/4/2010 5:38:47 PM

Syrox

Posts: 260
Joined: 5/13/2010
Status: offline

Well.. my first "official"one yeah, although I had already met loads of them at the BBQ on my birthday. It was a great laugh. nobody bit, everyone was very friendly (even though the group had just been outed from a previous munch venue so it was all very last minute arangements)

We simply. had a few drinks.. had a laugh, talked about kink in a rather causal way and then went home. Nothing at all scary about it. I found mine through Fetlife. just find your local area and join their group, say hello and usualy someone will arrange to meet you in the carpark or something and walk in with you so you arent on your own. there were 2 other new people there and it didn't take them more than half an hour to feel at home

I would highly recommend it. your mind will tell you it is a terrifying prospect, but it really isnt.

_____________________________

unless otherwise noted this has been a fast reply. brought to you by the letter M and the number 7.

(in reply to January)

Post #: 10

RE: Dom/sub introductions and meetings - 6/4/2010 6:18:40 PM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline

A lot of people have said that sex is less important to them than D/s (or possibly BDSM), but that doesn't mean that sex isn't important, more of a hypothetical "if I had to choose." Most people want both.

I agree that if a lot of people are accusing you of trolling, you should revise your approach (maybe forward the e-mails to a friend or acquaintance here, after asking their permission, and ask if they notice any glaring problems).

(in reply to Syrox)

Post #: 11

RE: Dom/sub introductions and meetings - 6/4/2010 6:22:35 PM

Syrox

Posts: 260
Joined: 5/13/2010
Status: offline

BDSM relationships and sex are no different to Vanilla relationships and sex.. same rules apply, but once there it is just done differently is all.

_____________________________

unless otherwise noted this has been a fast reply. brought to you by the letter M and the number 7.

(in reply to Andalusite)

Post #: 12

RE: Dom/sub introductions and meetings - 6/4/2010 6:26:04 PM

January

Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline

Syrox,

I'm glad you had a good time at your official munch!

January

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]

(in reply to Syrox)

Post #: 13

RE: Dom/sub introductions and meetings - 6/4/2010 6:59:41 PM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1717756/mpage_1/tm.htm

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to January)

Post #: 14

RE: Dom/sub introductions and meetings - 6/4/2010 7:16:48 PM

Syrox

Posts: 260
Joined: 5/13/2010
Status: offline

ha ha ha... love that thread!

_____________________________

unless otherwise noted this has been a fast reply. brought to you by the letter M and the number 7.

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 15

RE: Dom/sub introductions and meetings - 6/4/2010 7:53:43 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1717756/mpage_1/tm.htm

Aww that thread makes me miss some of the people in it.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 16

RE: Dom/sub introductions and meetings - 6/4/2010 10:16:05 PM

CynthiaWVirginia

Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline

quote:

Therefore, since this is the case, separate from posting a profile (without replies), how does a Dom go about finding and meeting a sub?

Good things have already been mentioned in this thread, but I'll still add my two cents. Being visible in the forums is another way for people to get to know you, though I believe all the people I've ever met in person and/or scened with from CollarMe were from the other side, through profiles.

I cut down my letter load drastically by not posting a pic and not filling out the BDSM list, as well as other things. The key to me is through reading my profile and journal entries; friendship comes first and anyone who tries to learn about me would catch on to this fast. Being contacted by men with form letters, sentence fragments, dick shots as their main profile pic, text speak, or from someone who doesn't know a thing about me...blends in with all the other hundreds I've been contacted by in the past. What makes someone stand out and get my attention is...when they're trying to make contact with me as a real person, aside from any BDSM, and if they make some comment about something I wrote in my journal. Few people bother to do this, so those rare ones stand out and make me take notice.

As for being on the hunt. I usually don't prowl around looking at men's profiles, just look to the ones who have sent me a letter...but, someone on the home page snagged my attention recently. I saw that he listed that he lives for Sci-fi and loves chess, so I sent a comment because he was sorta near my area. On 5/31/2010, I sent this:

"It is very hard to find people who can play chess in this state. :) If you're ever in my area...I even have a Star Trek TNG set.

Cynthia"

It's been 6 days now (I'm really pushing it by calling 12:38 a.m. another day, lol), and I've gotten 20 (just came back from counting them) letters from him, as we have a lot in common. Having things in common on that vanilla list was very important. There's no cybering going on, and I don't even allow rituals or BDSM checklist talk until the first meetup. I keep things in letters for the first week, then add private chatroom or IM as well as some phone time for the second week, then by then if I still like someone, I meet up in a public place with them and spend 1-3 hours talking.

Things might not pan out, but the rapport is beautiful and humming along, and I'm smiling like a Cheshire Cat. There are good, available people here...the problem is finding ones who are available and compatible. A fem sub I know r/t found someone a month ago, she is young and hot and the two of them spark off of each other like nobody's business.

"My second question is relates to the sexual part of the D/s relationship. Again, from what I've learned, the bond between a D/s is a very complex and intricate part of a relationship whereas Domination is paramount. This appears to be more psychological followed by a phyical Dominance where the sexual aspect of the relationship comes 2nd and takes a back seat. So, how does sexuality or sex come into play with the D/s relationship?"

The D/s part of the relationship has been the most important thing to me. I can't speak for others, but the emotional/mental part of D/s is what I find physically arousing, and I prefer to draw that out and not throw some vanilla sex into the mix. I was friends with, and very fond of, past submissives, but I wasn't in love with any of them, so I decided not to cross that line. I've had discussions with people from CM about what qualifies as sex, and everyone ganged up on me and told me that I was indeed having sex even though all my clothing stayed on. Considering how I react while flogging, or doing ass play, I'd have to agree. Most other people I know jump into what I refer to as vanilla sex and add a lot of kink to it.

When I was a sub, it bothered me to hear fem subs chatting and gloating that they could take the power away from their Dom anytime they wanted to...that giving him a blow job turned him into their subbie for a while. I guess this had something to do with shaping my mindset. In a choice between having orgasms with someone, and having control...I prefer the control.

Maybe I'll grow out of this someday.

(in reply to BlkDom4subWF)

Post #: 17

RE: Dom/sub introductions and meetings - 6/7/2010 6:59:13 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I've got to say Cynthia, that those so called sub females sound strange. Me on my knees, his hand firmly in my hair while I'm gagging and choking doesn't make me feel in the least dominant. It does make me rather self satisfied that I can please him this much and turn him on this much, but that's not dominance.

Sexually? If you're in a monogamous relationship as I am, it's very important. We don't have sex with others so we need to be compatible in this arena as well as others. If you are in a relationship with someone else and sexually satisfied there, then you may prefer not to add sex to your secondary relationship. But I wager more people here are monogamous than not.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to CynthiaWVirginia)

Post #: 18

RE: Dom/sub introductions and meetings - 6/7/2010 7:18:12 AM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkDom4subWF

I have a 2-part question that I've been dying to ask for quite sometime, so please bare with me as I ask my question.

First I'd like to say that I'm fairly new to the forum site despite joining the site many years ago, so I request any sarcastic replies be kept to yourself (if that's all you have to offer) vs genuine responses.

there is no immunity im sorry to say just dont take it to heart.

Having said that, from what I've learned about the who D/s lifestyle it would appear that everyone I've encountered to some degree has met and is already paired up with their respective D/s. I've also learned that separate from "subs" looking for a Dom, Domme or Master, anyone else (a Dominant like me) who is "looking" for someone whether a sub or otherwise is deemed as "Trolling".

i thought trolling was when someone......... actually im not sure what trolling is, but it isnt used for people looking for other people, this is a dating site afterall.

Therefore, since this is the case, separate from posting a profile (without replies), how does a Dom go about finding and meeting a sub?

as you americans say 'case the joint' - check it out and check out all subs that fit youre criteria, read their profile, say you have and make some comment on some or all of their observations.

My second question is relates to the sexual part of the D/s relationship. Again, from what I've learned, the bond between a D/s is a very complex and intricate part of a relationship whereas Domination is paramount. This appears to be more psychological followed by a phyical Dominance where the sexual aspect of the relationship comes 2nd and takes a back seat. So, how does sexuality or sex come into play with the D/s relationship?

the relationship part, ie the Ds bit is just like any other relationship, a couple together who just happen to be Dom or sub - i think youre getting that mixed up with BDSM activities. sex doesnt always happen before, after or during BDSM play for some people some of the time.

I'm very interested in reading the replies from a sub's perspective.

< Message edited by lally2 -- 6/7/2010 7:19:49 AM >

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to BlkDom4subWF)

Post #: 19

RE: Dom/sub introductions and meetings - 6/7/2010 7:37:35 AM

peppermint

Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

quote:

So, how does sexuality or sex come into play with the D/s relationship?

Our BDSM play is not sexual, however, we are very sexual people and have a satisfying sex life. The question of sex and sexuality will be answered for you once you are in a D/s relationship. You'll figure out what fits for both of you, and what does not fit. As has been said countless times around here, everyone has their own ideas and own way of doing things. Your way might not be the same as my way, but both ways are equally as logical and real and D/s as the other.

(in reply to BlkDom4subWF)

Post #: 20

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