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KnightofMists -> RE: Love in M/s and D/s relationships (6/5/2010 10:50:23 AM)
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This seems to be a reoccuring question with regards to M/s and D/s relationships. I wrote the following some time ago... my opinions haven't changed..
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Some may say Love is a hindrance to the M/s dynamic. But, I would say that Love is a fundamental aspect of my M/s Relationships. I couldn't imagine myself having this type of relationship without Love being apart of it.
Love and Respect of thy self... the most Powerful of Motivations... it comes from within...It's the intrinsic motivation that is only limited by oneself and dependent on no one but oneself.
Love for me has always been a Choice as much as it has been a Feeling. My feelings have always been motivated by what I perceive... Be it real or illusion. The choice is to see the truth of what I perceive from the lies. Therefore, one must make the effort to Love! Love will flow like water if you let it. But, water will flow the easiest path... and this could lead you over a cliff. Healthy Thoughtful Love is much more than free flowing water, but just as powerful. We control it, we manage it. We guide it. When it is time to allow it to flow, we let it flow. When we must harness its power, we focus it and feel its power. But we never push it up hill! Remember the flow well pick up everything and can move anything over the course of time. But if allowed to flow uncontrolled, it will wander aimlessly and finally dumping in a pool... its power never focused and utilized.
Love to me binds the people to a relationship. It moves the focus from themselves to focus on the other and the relationship itself. I question when love is not part of the relationship, if the focus ever moves from oneself to the relationship. Without love, I wonder if the individuals are only using the other and the relationship to serve their self-centered interests. Taking what they can and maybe draining the lemon dry, then going to find a new lemon. I wonder if there are some that use the word love, but it is a shallow use of the word instead of the intense devotion that it leads one towards. Love to me is a powerful word if it used with the feelings that back it up. It moves one from the self-centered focus to that of a focus to another person and a relationship. We become givers instead of takers and as result of our giving out of love we receive more than we could ever take. Instead sucking the lemon dry... We plant an orchard and reap the rewards of that effort
I have been in a relationship with Alandra since in summer of ‘87. It was then as is now without question a relationship that is very much a loving and growing relationship. I am also growing a young loving relationship with Kyra that began in spring of ‘05. Frankly, I find it difficult to comprehend how anyone can have an intimate BDSM relationship without love being an important part of that relationship. I suppose it is done, but I have not seen it done successful over a course of many years.
I thought I was in love with Alandra years ago... but I kept finding that day by day our depth of love just kept growing and never stopping. It's to the point that I look to tomorrow with excitement because my experience has showed me that I will be loved and love her even more than I do today. My experience with alandra has also had an extremely positive effect on my relationship with kyra. When I first touched her gently on the cheek that first time we saw each other... I felt a deep sense of love... but today that love seems pale in comparisons to the way I feel now... god I can hardly wait for tomorrow.
My approach is simple in the relationships I am in. Out of love, We become open to be who we are. I seek not to make my girls what they are not... I only seek to support them to shed that which is illusions of them selves, as they support me in doing the same thing. A relationship with me is about bringing the inner self out into the open and being this person. Out of love we accept what comes. This line of thought is nothing new. A noted psychologist termed the word "congruence" Essentially it means that the more we are able to demonstrate that inner self to the world/relationships, The more content/stable and at peace we become. We are happier. The deeper we hid this inner aspect of our self, well it is a path of unhappiness. I see love as a vehicle to facilitate this path towards happiness. It is not only path that I use. For I believe there are many strategies in building our personal happiness with our self and our relationships.
The path I describe is one of Self-Awareness leading to Self-Acceptance leading to Self-Actualization. The interesting aspect of this path is that it is actually circular. As we Self-actualize we are destine to become more aware of aspects of our inner self... which will lead us to need to Accept this new found awareness in order for further actualization to occur.
It is my beliefs that if we stop this cycle at any point we stop to grow in ourselves and in our relationships. We stop to bringing that inner self into the light of day and thus we establish a ceiling to our individual happiness. I suspect that many of us do this from time to time and can actually live very happy lives to the end of our days. Being in a relationship that is fundamentally a loving relationship promotes trust, security, validation and whole array of things that promote this cycle of growth.
I am loved not for what I do for them, "but for who I am". To push and bring my full awareness of my inner self to the open to those that love me can only grow this love. So I choose to be "Me" and enjoy the great happiness it gives me. Just as I love my girls for them are being who they are. However, I do not believe I could ever enjoy the love that is given to me, nor give love my girls to the depth I do unless we first love ourselves.
However, It is so much easier to love another than to accept the love from another. We know what is in our hearts and minds, but we only think we know what is in theirs. The difference is subtle but significant. To accept the love of another when we don't love our self is never an easy path. When we fail to love ourselves it begs to question the motivations of another that express love towards us. It is therefore my thoughts that “Awareness, .Acceptance & Actualization” is to grow our love of self and not just our relationship.
Some may say Love is a hindrance to the M/s dynamic and I would have to agree in some cases. In comparison, Many parents who love their children very much are blinded by that love to make the choices and decisions that are best for raising their children. They are blinded by "my children do no wrong" and I suspect everyone can think of examples of such. Because this, are they good parents? Should they be parents? Should parents not love their children?
I see no difference between the Master that allows his/her love to negatively affect his/her responsibilities towards the slave as the parent that allows love to negatively affect their responsibilities towards their children. It is my opinion we choose to love and as Masters we choose to exercise our authority. One need not conflict with the other.
To me it is not a question if Love should be in the relationship... It is should they be a Master?
If love causes a person not to fulfill their responsibilities... then let them never know what love is.
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