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RE: Do to you or do for me? - 6/8/2010 1:22:32 PM

cloudboy

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quote:

I have no patience with sitting back and being served or cared for. I'm likely to be up in thirty seconds aggressively poking my nose into whatever interests me rather than sitting on my duff waiting for someone else to do it for me.

Thank god for people like you.

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RE: Do to you or do for me? - 6/8/2010 5:37:02 PM

seekingOwnertoo

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyNTrainer

Submissives, do you spend most of your time yearning for your dominant do to things to you and to make you feel a certain way or experience certain things, or do you get the most happiness from doing things for her?

Do your percentages shift depending on whether or not you're in scene space or talking about overall relationship dynamics?

To begin, i feel a little awkward with these questions, because i really do not think of interrelationships in these terms, or from this perspective. And i feel scene space, is just another dimension of the overall relationship.

When i really care … i do spend time thinking about the Lady. i really like to learn what she likes and how to anticipate. Oh, and i relish giving little surprises.

Generally, I know when I am in tune with a Lady. i might be out to lunch, and think of something, or realize a new insight, from the last conversation. Sometimes … I just feel the desire to give (send) a little surprise … like a card … or a dozen roses. Or, it might just be a little note to pick up some milk on the way home!

On the flip side though, i do have a little touch of Scorpio possessiveness and jealousy in me. While i believe it is pretty much controlled by my balanced mental and emotional nature. i really do like (relish?) attention.

By attention, i don’t mean purely sexual. It can be a lot of things.

One, You might not believe, but i always secretly like it, when a well balanced Lady “cries on my shoulder a bit”. Not every day … but when there was a trying day … i actually feel it as attention! And I can be very caring … too.

Another thing i really like is to stop at the store on the way home from work, and make Her dinner. Then sit and talk for hours …

So i guess with me, it is kind of a two way street.

But i do perceive love and caring and closeness … in things that are not purely sexual. Yet it sure does make the sexual … a lot more exciting.

And now that i say it, it is the feeling of love and caring and closeness, that take precedence, over everything else.

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RE: Do to you or do for me? - 6/9/2010 8:37:22 AM

Andalusite

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I lean toward "do to you" on both sides of the whip, as I'm very reaction driven. If I were submissive and never was able to get into subspace, I wouldn't have my needs met, though. I enjoy doing things for someone I am submissive toward, feeling useful and helpful. You asked if there's a problem with both people liking "do to you," but in my experience, it's a feedback loop that makes both people feel wonderful! There is some intrinsic pleasure involved, and it is magnified by the empathy and your partner's responses.

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RE: Do to you or do for me? - 6/11/2010 11:14:43 AM

AAkasha

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Great topic - I think I had a similar thread years ago with the subject "active vs. passive dominants" or something like that.

My desire for topping is the most significant side of my femdom persona; I sometimes think my various "female led relationship" personality aspects are either coincidental or inconsequential, because I can desire domination without any reciprocation as far as service or having the context of a 'servant/Mistress' relationship. If I am attracted to a man, I yearn on some primal level to tie him up and do cruel things to him (and see how he reacts) - more specifically, I have a huge lust to see a man willingly surrender to me and be vulnerable to me, and that's totally regardless of whether he cleans for me, buys me presents, rubs my feet or "earns" anything from me.

I have plenty of career-oriented female peers who have the same type of "female-led" relationship quirks (they are in charge, they make most of the money, they call the shots, they are the leader of the two) but there is not an ounce of "kink" in their sensual intimacy - at all. So I do wonder how much these things are ever related, if at all.

I'm not big on getting massages, pedicures, having someone "pamper" me, nor do I get any primal, physical satisfaction (of my femdom side) from having a super-domestic husband who waits on me hand and foot (essentially); this is more a functionality of our relationship dynamic. It was never my ideal to have a "full time domestic" -- my ideal (in my mind's eye as a career woman) was that I would be partnered with another super corporate type and we'd have a maid or cook or eat out a lot because we could afford it on two incomes. The fact that my husband became more of a 'houseboy' is not a sexual thing, a femdom thing or anything that even *remotely* satisfies my sadistic side. He makes my breakfast and cooks great meals and does laundry because it's a natural fit for us. Most importantly, I don't have to 'exhibit femdom behaviors' to keep him motivated, it's not a 24/7 "bdsm scene" that our relationship is this way.

My kinky side is totally independent of it, and totally runs on its own appetite and motivation. I have wildly kinky days and more moderately kinky days, but those urges fluctuate on their own clock. I have lusts for bondage, S&M, wild and weird sex, outside partners, seduction, fantasy and roleplay - and all of those are independent of the practicalities of my relationship.

Of course, I have no idea if any of this makes sense, even to myself....

Akasha

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RE: Do to you or do for me? - 6/11/2010 12:02:23 PM

Lockit

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Akasha, it makes perfect sense to me. You have a great way with words and expressing everything you wish to impart, that I envy. I'm a lot less sadistic than you are, but I am primal and I do see the type of relationship with your husband as very similar to my own in the past and what I would like in the future.

I actually hate certain types of pampering for the most part. I want to go shower and tend to myself and yet many submissives want to bathe me. Okay, you can apply lotion when I am done bathing myself. lol I am just too busy to play that way all the time. I do love a man who will take care of me in the mornings, set me up while I tend to my physical needs, but other than that I don't want service. The rest can be filed under being a gentleman and helpful, which I don't always see as d/s. It can be and oh so fun when it is, but not in the typical day to day.

I do feed off of my man... when I have one. lol But he also feeds off of me. My feeding is more dominantly motivated and primal to the point of wanting to bite whom I love. I typically don't bite as I was taught not to, lol, but that is the most primal feeling I have ever felt. When I feel like biting you... we have fed well. lol

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RE: Do to you or do for me? - 6/11/2010 12:59:30 PM

DommeKeliDallas

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quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

quote:

ORIGINAL: DommeKeliDallas

I get MINE in the very beginning...then and only then can they amuse themselves.

So 'doing to' counts as them 'amusing themselves', rather than something you both enjoy doing?

And you wonder why you tend to nark the lifestylers?

If some submeat knocks me off my feet...which hasn't happened in many years, I would "do for him."
Like allow him to peel me a grape.

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RE: Do to you or do for me? - 6/11/2010 1:19:06 PM

Lockit

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So you want submeat to knock you off your feet so they can peel you a grape? lol Lady, what the hell do you offer these rich submeat guys? Oh yeah... you said you were better and offered more than the other domina's because you were expert at it all and would do what we wouldn't. Tell ya what honey, if you have to do all that to get a grape peeled, I have a bridge I'd like to off load.

The more you talk the more you show the world you ain't all that and ain't all you appear to present.

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RE: Do to you or do for me? - 6/11/2010 5:40:33 PM

sodsta

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In terms of kink and play, I find I have always had a better dynamic with people who want to "do to" than have "done for". I often like quite rough, intense physical play and (luckily) have always had play partners who enjoyed the same, so the dynamic worked brilliantly. They were the aggressor and very much into doing things *to* me, looking for and purposefully trying to provoke the most intense reaction from me that they could get. Which, considering the type of play, was often on the more violent/angry/desperate side of things. Which is always fun. ;)

In terms of relationship-type stuff, however... I would prefer to think of that as a slightly more equal-footed sharing of time and effort. I wouldn't want to feel coddled and managed by my partner, and by the same token I wouldn't want to feel like their every little need was my duty to fulfil. Doing things for your partner, to me, should always be done out of affection. It means more that way. And I wouldn't want a one-way street of "doing things for", either.

I think that made sense…? o_0

< Message edited by sodsta -- 6/11/2010 5:43:20 PM >

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RE: Do to you or do for me? - 6/11/2010 7:33:09 PM

LadyAngelika

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quote:

In terms of relationship-type stuff, however... I would prefer to think of that as a slightly more equal-footed sharing of time and effort. I wouldn't want to feel coddled and managed by my partner, and by the same token I wouldn't want to feel like their every little need was my duty to fulfil. Doing things for your partner, to me, should always be done out of affection. It means more that way. And I wouldn't want a one-way street of "doing things for", either.

Kye, this is brilliantly said. The last thing I want is someone doing anything for me out of obligation. One of the reason why I place proactivity so high on my list is because I need to have things done for me out of the desire to them. Otherwise, it doesn't feel genuine.

Also, let me say I love that new profile picture. :-)

- LA

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RE: Do to you or do for me? - 6/12/2010 6:26:07 AM

JhonDean

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quote:

I get MINE in the very beginning...then and only then can they amuse themselves.

I find your honesty quite refreshing and dismissed from the self justifying defense systems that make up most of the commentary on this site.

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RE: Do to you or do for me? - 6/12/2010 10:10:30 AM

AAkasha

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

quote:

In terms of relationship-type stuff, however... I would prefer to think of that as a slightly more equal-footed sharing of time and effort. I wouldn't want to feel coddled and managed by my partner, and by the same token I wouldn't want to feel like their every little need was my duty to fulfil. Doing things for your partner, to me, should always be done out of affection. It means more that way. And I wouldn't want a one-way street of "doing things for", either.

Kye, this is brilliantly said. The last thing I want is someone doing anything for me out of obligation. One of the reason why I place proactivity so high on my list is because I need to have things done for me out of the desire to them. Otherwise, it doesn't feel genuine.

Also, let me say I love that new profile picture. :-)

- LA

I agree that Kye has nailed it on the head, and that Kye's new photos are gorgeous. Holy crap. I would love to see what pics didn't make the cut to appear on his profile.

Akasha

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RE: Do to you or do for me? - 6/12/2010 10:15:47 AM

LadyHibiscus

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Isn't he da bomb?

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RE: Do to you or do for me? - 6/12/2010 3:14:58 PM

sodsta

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
Kye, this is brilliantly said. The last thing I want is someone doing anything for me out of obligation. One of the reason why I place proactivity so high on my list is because I need to have things done for me out of the desire to them. Otherwise, it doesn't feel genuine.

Thanks. :D Obligation is one of those words that really irritates me. I *hate* feeling obligated to do anything. Doing things off my own back because I *want* to do them feels infinitely more satisfying. Also, I know how it feels when someone does something for you out of genuine affection/desire and it's a wonderful feeling. :)

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RE: Do to you or do for me? - 6/12/2010 3:17:55 PM

sodsta

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
I agree that Kye has nailed it on the head, and that Kye's new photos are gorgeous. Holy crap. I would love to see what pics didn't make the cut to appear on his profile.

Akasha

hehe, thank you. :P The photos are from a shoot I did with a friend a few days ago. There are a couple more that I didn't upload. If you wanted, I could email them to you? :)

< Message edited by sodsta -- 6/12/2010 3:18:35 PM >

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RE: Do to you or do for me? - 6/13/2010 10:05:52 AM

AAkasha

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sodsta

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
I agree that Kye has nailed it on the head, and that Kye's new photos are gorgeous. Holy crap. I would love to see what pics didn't make the cut to appear on his profile.

Akasha

hehe, thank you. :P The photos are from a shoot I did with a friend a few days ago. There are a couple more that I didn't upload. If you wanted, I could email them to you? :)

I would love that!

Akasha

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RE: Do to you or do for me? - 6/13/2010 10:23:16 AM

monochromaniac

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyNTrainer
Dominants, do you focus more on your partner doing things for you and on your own feelings, or do you derive as much or more pleasure from doing to or for your partner?

Submissives, do you spend most of your time yearning for your dominant do to things to you and to make you feel a certain way or experience certain things, or do you get the most happiness from doing things for her?

This is actually a really interesting topic, thanks.

I'm primarily a sub, and when I am in that mindset I derive equal pleasure from both doing things for my dom and having them do things to me - although usually when it's the latter, it's still for their pleasure, not mine. My pleasure comes from pleasing them, making them happy and seeing that they're proud of me afterwards; even if I haven't really enjoyed (on my terms, that is) a session, getting told I'm a good girl afterwards makes it perfect.
(Wow, I really know how to overuse a word, don't I?)

However, when I top I focus on doing things to them. I think that I just find others doing things for me unattractive because it makes me feel as if they're insinuating I'm either not capable or not as good as them at doing it. I'm not quite sure I'm explaining it properly, but...I just get a lot more excited from tying someone up and teasing them mercilessly as opposed to demanding they go down on me.

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