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Need a Dominant's Perspective - 6/9/2010 6:31:33 PM

Schatzlein

Posts: 12
Joined: 6/9/2010
Status: offline

My Dominant is also my Partner We have a strong and loving relationship and BDSM has been a part of it from early on. Lately, (after nearly 20 years as a Dom) He has become very disillusioned with the BDSM scene as He believes it has become inundated with people just playing BDSM online. He is correct about that I think. I don't want to give up either my relationship or BDSM but I won't challenge His decision or authority. Any advice?

Post #: 1

RE: Need a Dominant's Perspective - 6/9/2010 6:42:53 PM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline

Nothing wrong with pulling back from the public scene (in person or online) and focusing on your private relationship. Sure, there are lots of people in online-only relationships, but I'm not affected by them. I've been in relationships that involved BDSM (some of which also included power exchange) for 15 years now, and haven't done any cybering.

(in reply to Schatzlein)

Post #: 2

RE: Need a Dominant's Perspective - 6/9/2010 6:46:50 PM

SylvereApLeanan

Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline

Advice? Skip the "scene" (define that term as you will) and just do what the two of you have been doing. There's no requirement that you participate in munches, play parties, message boards, or any of the other public venues where you can meeet like-minded people. Your relationship is what's important. As long as the two of you are happy, who cares what anyone else thinks or does? You don't have to give up BDSM in private if you don't want to.

If you're a very social person and really feel the need to continue going to munches and the like, then ask if you can go with a mutual friend while your partner stays home. Alternately, you can ask if your partner would be willing to attend a certain number of events with you per year and save up all your kinky socializing for those events. Bottom line: communicate your needs, be prepared to compromise, and negotiate a solution that will satisfy both of you.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl

"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to Schatzlein)

Post #: 3

RE: Need a Dominant's Perspective - 6/9/2010 7:43:10 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Schatzlein

My Dominant is also my Partner We have a strong and loving relationship and BDSM has been a part of it from early on. Lately, (after nearly 20 years as a Dom) He has become very disillusioned with the BDSM scene as He believes it has become inundated with people just playing BDSM online. He is correct about that I think. I don't want to give up either my relationship or BDSM but I won't challenge His decision or authority. Any advice?

Out of curiosity, what the hell does the "BDSM scene" have to do with you and him? This seems like a total non-issue from the very get go. I could give a rats ass what my local BDSM scene is like. What I happen to know is that the local MAST group has some folks I find compatible with me. I don't need anything else.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Schatzlein)

Post #: 4

RE: Need a Dominant's Perspective - 6/9/2010 7:45:58 PM

Jeffff

Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline

There are many people doing many things online. None of them effect my life.

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to Schatzlein)

Post #: 5

RE: Need a Dominant's Perspective - 6/9/2010 8:16:30 PM

Glasgow

Posts: 248
Joined: 6/7/2010
Status: offline

quote:

He has become very disillusioned with the BDSM scene as He believes it has become inundated with people just playing BDSM online.

I agree. I think I'm going to stop having sex altogether, because you know how many "fakers" just roleplay online and talking a big game.

_____________________________

I wash my hands of this weirdness.

(in reply to Schatzlein)

Post #: 6

RE: Need a Dominant's Perspective - 6/9/2010 8:28:40 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I agree very much with what Sylvere is saying here. I tend to think that a good number of folks get fed up from time to time. This can be especially true for those folks who have done a lot of work for the BDSM community. Burn out happens. Sometimes, it can be better to step back a bit.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Glasgow)

Post #: 7

RE: Need a Dominant's Perspective - 6/9/2010 10:36:26 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

What does anyone else and what they do or do not do have to do with what HE does?

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Schatzlein)

Post #: 8

RE: Need a Dominant's Perspective - 6/10/2010 12:23:54 AM

aldompdx

Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline

The only relevant "scene" is your relationship.
Lose the labels, and focus on the substance which you share.
Others and their labels, preferences, or frivolity are irrelevant.

If your relationship is not working well, no "BDSM group" will solve it.

(in reply to Schatzlein)

Post #: 9

RE: Need a Dominant's Perspective - 6/10/2010 12:55:42 AM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

Hello!

I've not much to add to the other posts here, but I'd say that it does sometimes feel as if the "scene" is swamped with buffoons. But the really interesting, fun, active people haven't gone away - you just need to focus on them.

In my personal recent experience of CM I've made more really interesting kinky friends on these boards, than on the CM site itself.

I'm totally with Andalusite - There's nothing wrong with pulling back from the scene if you feel like a break.

I'm also with Jeff (leadership527) - in that I hope that any disillusionment with the "scene" doesn't adversely affect your relationship - it is just the "scene" afteral, your relationship is something far more real and valuable.

Good luck!

(in reply to Schatzlein)

Post #: 10

RE: Need a Dominant's Perspective - 6/10/2010 3:29:02 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Schatzlein

My Dominant is also my Partner We have a strong and loving relationship and BDSM has been a part of it from early on. Lately, (after nearly 20 years as a Dom) He has become very disillusioned with the BDSM scene as He believes it has become inundated with people just playing BDSM online. He is correct about that I think. I don't want to give up either my relationship or BDSM but I won't challenge His decision or authority. Any advice?

Agree with the rest; total no-brainer that whatever anyone else does has no impact on my personal relationships or general philosophies etc....

Which means whatever is bugging your Dom, the "scene" is the excuse, NOT the reason. You do know that discussion and communication etc is possible without "challenging His decision or authority"? Or it damn well should be...!

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to Schatzlein)

Post #: 11

RE: Need a Dominant's Perspective - 6/10/2010 4:15:57 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline

I am with those who are confused about your Dom possibly giving up being a Dom because it seems that too many others are fake. Could you elaborate a little more please?
I move on and off the scene but I never stop being who I am. There have been many times when I go to clubs and feel as if I don't fit in any more. That has nothing to do with my dominance but all to do with too many silly stage acts. When I leave the club I take my dominance home with me!

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos

Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 12

RE: Need a Dominant's Perspective - 6/10/2010 4:24:18 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

This is like saying because there are lots of people who just wear tennis clothes, but don't play tennis, that he isn't going to play tennis anymore.

If you enjoy the equipment at your local dungeon, then go and use it, and then go home.
If you prefer just playing at home with less equipment, then do that. Okay you may not be able to swing that bullwhip at home but just about everything else is doable. So do it.

Keep in touch with the friends you've made and if in a couple of years he feels like playing publicly again then do so. And if he doesn't, then keep playing privately. Which is what most of us do, btw.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to allthatjaz)

Post #: 13

RE: Need a Dominant's Perspective - 6/10/2010 4:40:15 AM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Schatzlein

My Dominant is also my Partner We have a strong and loving relationship and BDSM has been a part of it from early on. Lately, (after nearly 20 years as a Dom) He has become very disillusioned with the BDSM scene as He believes it has become inundated with people just playing BDSM online. He is correct about that I think. I don't want to give up either my relationship or BDSM but I won't challenge His decision or authority. Any advice?

Sounds like a cop out.....I bet he is really, really tired of you. He hates you.
We have talked. He no longer can stand to be in the same room with you. The idea of you being naked is now too much to bear.

It's you, not him and definitely not "the scene."

Oh yeah, he's a pussy. You are better off without him.

_____________________________

(in reply to Schatzlein)

Post #: 14

RE: Need a Dominant's Perspective - 6/10/2010 6:34:37 AM

GraciousLady

Posts: 529
Joined: 7/7/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Schatzlein

My Dominant is also my Partner We have a strong and loving relationship and BDSM has been a part of it from early on. Lately, (after nearly 20 years as a Dom) He has become very disillusioned with the BDSM scene as He believes it has become inundated with people just playing BDSM online. He is correct about that I think. I don't want to give up either my relationship or BDSM but I won't challenge His decision or authority. Any advice?

I appreciate your partners feelings. However, I can not seem to make the leap as to what his feelings have to do with your relationship with him? Perhaps your relationship has hit a little slump? This happens with all people who have been together as long as the 2 of you have. Maybe just take a break and then revisit your kinky sides together? Your profile says you may even seak out a new Dom. After 20 years together it would be a sad thing to have your loving relationship fall apart over what may just be a normal slump. I wish you both much luck with sorting through this and I hope you have many more happy years together.

(in reply to Schatzlein)

Post #: 15

RE: Need a Dominant's Perspective - 6/10/2010 8:31:31 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Schatzlein

My Dominant is also my Partner We have a strong and loving relationship and BDSM has been a part of it from early on. Lately, (after nearly 20 years as a Dom) He has become very disillusioned with the BDSM scene as He believes it has become inundated with people just playing BDSM online. He is correct about that I think. I don't want to give up either my relationship or BDSM but I won't challenge His decision or authority. Any advice?

Is the problem that you enjoy "the scene" as in being involved with the BDSM community and the social aspects of it and you fear he will drop out of it altogether?

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Schatzlein)

Post #: 16

RE: Need a Dominant's Perspective - 6/10/2010 2:43:22 PM

VAcontroldom

Posts: 65
Joined: 6/5/2005
Status: offline

I usually find Domiguy tells the truth even if some don't enjoy his hyperbole as much as I do

I think everyone agrees with him that it's a cop out, that there is no correlation between online D/s wankers and your relationship
And he wants to stop the D/s part of your relationship
I'd have the conversation to find out if he doesn't want a D/s relationship with you or isn't happy in your relationship or if he's sticking to the online thing

He might also find out the food boards are overrun by non chefs now that there are so many reality chef shows, but I don't think he'll stop eating over it

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 17

RE: Need a Dominant's Perspective - 6/10/2010 4:31:22 PM

StrongSpirit

Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline

You and he sound a lot like certain fundamentalists. If you can stand a little sarcasm....
<Sarcasm>
How DARE those other people engage in sexual activities you dislike? Why I totally agree that you should stop having sex that you like as protest against what other people are doing!

And don't forget to call them lots of names. Don't stop at "playing", or "onliners" go all out and call them fakes and proudly proclaim that you are 'real' and 'true'.

</Sarcasm>

Your sex life is your own. If you can find people that engage in sexual activities similar to you own, go for it. Make friends with them. But value them. If it was easy to find people that like the same kind of sex as you, web sites like collarme would not exist. Both of you should praise god that you found each other, not complain that every one else doesn't do what you do.

Please try not to insult other people, no matter what they like. Just as people have the right to be gay or engage in pain play, other people have the right to do BDSM just on the internet, never making it real. There is no "BDSM police" that arrests others for doing it wrong.

Of course, those people SHOULD be clear about their desires. Collarme has a "Online Romance" setting in the profile. They should make use of it as soon as they know thats all they want.

< Message edited by StrongSpirit -- 6/10/2010 4:38:59 PM >

(in reply to VAcontroldom)

Post #: 18

RE: Need a Dominant's Perspective - 6/10/2010 4:43:31 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

G'day Schatzlein, I hear you and aye, understand this too. I actually walked away from the "Scene" because of the negativity and local abuse i was getting for being:

Too damned old.
Disabled
Married to a lady half my age
Too bloody honest, open and refused to play the stupid mind games and join in the bitch-craft.

I still have a very small group whom if anyone they know wants to meet me, go out of their way to pressure that person and others from having anything to do with me. (This is partly the reason that I will "import" the slaves I want from either the US or Canada if we don't move there). However I was lucky to fine a couple of really good, feet on the ground people involved with BDSM who introduced me gradually to their friends.

I found that here, Canada, US, NZ and other places, have a growing "Underground" of BDSMers who want nawt to do with the public scene due to the bad manners, and other social negative performances we see. better to have a few social friends who are solid and fun than a whole group or shit-for-brains arseholes.

A Post Note: I actually found both extreme frustration and deep joy being here in CM, most of the frustration has gone and the joy remains.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to VAcontroldom)

Post #: 19

RE: Need a Dominant's Perspective - 6/10/2010 9:33:06 PM

Schatzlein

Posts: 12
Joined: 6/9/2010
Status: offline

LOOOOOL! No, He doesn't want to end the relationship but says He's not interested in BDSM anymore but will always be Dominant. HUH? He loves and cherishes me--maybe He is having a conflict over His non-BDSM feelings for me and His desire to call me His little fuckslut and cumdumpster?

(in reply to VAcontroldom)

Post #: 20

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