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Seeking Input Please - 6/11/2010 11:21:37 AM

BKSir

Posts: 4037
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
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Okay, contrary to popular opinion, I'm not always right and I don't always know what to do. Right now, I find myself in one of those situations. This could have gone into the Poly area I guess, or Ask A.......... whoever. It could fit a lot of places, so that is why I put it here in General.

There is a person I've known for a good long while now, whom I will admit that I love very very much, and the feelings are mutual. We want him in our relationship and he wants the same (the poly part), so that's not the issue there. Although there are a couple minor complications which I would rather not bring to light in public, but, there are a couple of people who are privy to the information already. For now, the part of him joining our relationship will have to wait a little while, and we're fine with that also.

The part I'm at a bit of a conundrum with is, he also wishes to be my pet and wear my collar.

I have wanted this also, for a good while. But that too will have to wait for a bit, and again, we're all fine with that.

"So? Where is the problem then?", you may be asking.

Hence the conundrum. As much as I want this, and vice versa, I don't know if I want this. If that makes any sense.

It's not as though I don't think he'd be a good pet. Just the opposite. I have no doubt that he would be a stellar and shining example. I know he would never fail to make me proud to have him under me.

It's not that I'm not physically attracted to him either, because... well... nothing could be farther from the truth. Hell, if I didn't find him attractive, I'd have to go check myself into an asylum post haste, because something would be seriously wrong with my head... or at the very least, my eyes.

I don't know though. Perhaps it's because I'm still hurting over my Dear One leaving, which I'll freely admit that I am. Maybe it's because I am afraid of being hurt like that again. However, that's never stopped me before. I'm not one to let one experience ruin everything for me normally, so that doesn't quite make sense. However, how often do matters of the heart quite make sense? So, yeah, that's one thought on it. Frankly, the only thought I have on it also.

And that is why I'm looking for some input here. Ideas from those wiser than myself, which, at the moment, feels like it leaves the door open for most anyone or anything to reply.

_____________________________

We'll begin with a spin, traveling in a world of my creation. What we'll see will defy explanation.

I am the voices in your head.

BiggKatt Studios

Post #: 1

RE: Seeking Input Please - 6/11/2010 11:25:47 AM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BKSir
I don't know though. Perhaps it's because I'm still hurting over my Dear One leaving, which I'll freely admit that I am. Maybe it's because I am afraid of being hurt like that again.

I don't know you or your situation well enough to comment and I rarely give advice, but I can say this from personal experience-I have always found it better to finish dealing with one relationship before I bring it's wreckage into a new one. It's real tough to sleep with somebody when there is a ghost in the bed.

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to BKSir)

Post #: 2

RE: Seeking Input Please - 6/11/2010 11:28:36 AM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
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You don't feel comfortable with this because he is extricating himself from a situation (a marriage possibly?) for you and you feel that you are stealing, in a way. You have of course, told yourself all the usual things...such as "he would be leaving anyway, with or without you" etc. etc... You feel the relationship may never feel right, due to the way it was begun. It makes you nervous to think he may do the same to you one day.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to BKSir)

Post #: 3

RE: Seeking Input Please - 6/11/2010 11:33:34 AM

BKSir

Posts: 4037
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

You don't feel comfortable with this because he is extricating himself from a situation (a marriage possibly?) for you and you feel that you are stealing, in a way. You have of course, told yourself all the usual things...such as "he would be leaving anyway, with or without you" etc. etc... You feel the relationship may never feel right, due to the way it was begun. It makes you nervous to think he may do the same to you one day.

Nope, if that were the case, it would have been easy to figure out. No relationship for him to be removing himself from at all. God I wish it would have been that easy.

_____________________________

We'll begin with a spin, traveling in a world of my creation. What we'll see will defy explanation.

I am the voices in your head.

BiggKatt Studios

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 4

RE: Seeking Input Please - 6/11/2010 11:46:06 AM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

Then, I got nuffin!

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to BKSir)

Post #: 5

RE: Seeking Input Please - 6/11/2010 11:48:40 AM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BKSir

And that is why I'm looking for some input here. Ideas from those wiser than myself, which, at the moment, feels like it leaves the door open for most anyone or anything to reply.

Sometimes the reality of finding what we seek is very frightening. More than the longing we experience in doing without. You describe a situation that isn't fly by night with mutual interest from both sides. It's devoid of unrealistic expectations, no pressure on time, and a keen awareness of your emotional state coming in. So what's the problem? It's good. So good that makes the risk of failure even greater and you've already swallowed that pill.

But it's more than that. It's that thing. The feeling you get when you come face to face with something you've yearned for internally. It's right within your grasp. Yours for the taking. And if you grab it everything changes. Sometimes that isn't too scary. But the finality of it all can be hard to bear. Especially if a small part of you took comfort in being alone or harbored the belief that "it" would never be found.

I think a part of this is rational and some of it is hard to explain. It doesn't make sense, but the discomfort is real and you want it bad but gosh do you want it? There are usually a host of what if's lurking beneath the surface. A lot of fear and some unsettled feelings that have to be worked through. But you can do it.

I overcame it by finally accepting how I felt. I stopped trying to rationalize it and telling myself I should think or feel otherwise. It is and for whatever reason that person makes me feel as such. Being able to admit that want and acknowledge the fear was very liberating. But I didn't stop there. I allowed myself to experience it all. The want, need, craving, and also the possibility of loss. I imagined how life would be without that person. It was a very sobering thought. In the end the risk was far greater than not knowing. I don't advocate having those questions. Regret is a silent cancer I avoid whenever possible.

Wanting the person but being uncertain of where that desire will lead you is normal. Clinging to a cliff of certainty and never exploring what could be provides questions and issues on its own. Living with that choice could prove more painful than being with them. I'd ask myself if I could come to terms with the individual sharing their life with another person. Or would I wish I was in their place instead. Posing that question to myself was the largest turning point. I realized how much I wanted him. Choose wisely.

Best of luck.

~porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to BKSir)

Post #: 6

RE: Seeking Input Please - 6/11/2010 11:55:37 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

You already know the answer dude, you just aren't ready to face it.

There's this boy in Austin. So hot, so sweet, so OPEN, so smart, really a dream. And if he were naked and hard and ready, I'd go at him like crazy.

But we have zero Ds chemistry, it's enough to make me cry.

But it is what it is. It's better we both recognize it and allow eachother to be with who REALLY works.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to porcelaine)

Post #: 7

RE: Seeking Input Please - 6/11/2010 12:34:36 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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BK, you have a Large Brain, and are just a generally smart person. I would say "go with your gut" on this one, and don't worry about the why. You have a lot of emotional stuff that needs to settle down and melt away right now, and that makes heart-thinking rough.

You have doubts? Listen to them.

And your new pic is UBER HAWT just saying.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 8

RE: Seeking Input Please - 6/11/2010 12:48:20 PM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

I was going to say the same about the new pic, nice!!!

As far as your feelings, it sounds like your gut is telling you something's not quite right, so it's best to listen to it. Maybe just back the relationship up a bit for a little while and see where it goes from there. Maybe you don't WANT him right now, but you do want him in the long run. Or reverse the caps in the two "wants", lol. Whichever. Think of him as something further in the future, not in the immediate.

???

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

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Post #: 9

RE: Seeking Input Please - 6/11/2010 1:00:28 PM

sublizzie

Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline

Are you still emotionally bleeding over your last relationship? Has the wound scabbed over yet? If so, are you done picking at the scabs or do you pick 'em 'til they bleed? As long as the scabs haven't fallen off on their own I figure I'm not really ready to move on. Just my $1.98.

_____________________________

"cooking is my kink"

Collared June 19, 2008
(uncollared 12/21/09 with his death. RIP my Santa)

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 10

RE: Seeking Input Please - 6/11/2010 3:18:41 PM

SylvereApLeanan

Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline

quote:

Perhaps it's because I'm still hurting over my Dear One leaving, which I'll freely admit that I am.

This.

Grieving is a process and it sounds like you're still processing. Nothing wrong with that. I'm going to say you should do nothing at this point. You already know you and this other person are going to have to wait until things in your lives settle down before you'll be able to proceed with a relationship. So, go with that. You don't need to decide anything or do anything right now. By the time you're in a position to take the next step in your relationship, you may feel different. Or he may feel different. Or any number of other things may have changed. For now, just enjoy the time you two spend together and try not to put any expectations on him, yourself, or the relationship. Easier said than done, I know, but sometimes it's the best thing.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl

"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to sublizzie)

Post #: 11

RE: Seeking Input Please - 6/11/2010 4:53:46 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

G'day mate, been a while. Look buddy, I'd advise waiting and allow the grieving process to do its thing first. Your new love, will, if he really cares, wait and give you the comfort you need as well as some companionship. It this new relationship to have a chance you both need this grieving process to be worked out first.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)

Post #: 12

RE: Seeking Input Please - 6/11/2010 5:14:53 PM

sweetsub1957

Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline

~Fast Reply~
BKSir,
Sometimes we have to finish the grieving before we can move on to someone new. i found that out when my Sir died.....it's nigh impossible to move forward until the grieving is over, and if you try to too soon, it just feels so wrong. Like Kana said, "It's real tough to sleep with somebody when there is a ghost in the bed." By the way, Your new picture is VERY Yummy.

~sweetsub~

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

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In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 13

RE: Seeking Input Please - 6/11/2010 5:27:44 PM

BKSir

Posts: 4037
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

G'day mate, been a while. Look buddy, I'd advise waiting and allow the grieving process to do its thing first. Your new love, will, if he really cares, wait and give you the comfort you need as well as some companionship. It this new relationship to have a chance you both need this grieving process to be worked out first.

And, back home from the cooking group, so, no I wasn't ignoring the thread on purpose, I was just out of the house.

Yeah, he understands completely and we're both willing to wait on moving both sides of the relationship forward... we kind of have to be. Not much choice. And as you, and many others have said, and even as I said, even though I'm not understanding why it's different this time, it probably is just me needing more time on this, more time to heal before committing to having another pet. We both want this, very much, but aren't pushing for it. Who knows, in 2 weeks, I may feel differently and be ready to move forward. Or, it might take a year and a half.

I know the process can take a while, hell, it's been 15 years and I still miss my ex sometimes, so I know that the hurt won't ever go away completely, I'm not expecting that. I also know that it will be different with every relationship and every person. And I hate that... LOL I tend to be a very logical person and really want to have everything black and white, these are the rules, grieving over a relationship will be XXXX number of days, no longer. I also want to know the 'why' behind everything. Which is probably what is giving me such a difficult time of this decision. I can't make the decision right now, but I don't know why, and it pisses me off some.

I'm also wondering if, after the last situation, and during this process, maybe I'm having some severe self doubt issues rearing their ugly heads. I think that's a very distinct possibility actually. One that will also go away, most likely, with healing time.

Also, not ignoring anyone else's posts and replies here, Bear and Kana both just kind of put it most succinctly and Bears was the easiest one to click the "quote" button on as it was the one on the bottom of the page and I'm too lazy to scroll back up at the moment.

Everyone brought up some awesome points here, most the recurring point of "give it time to get over your hurting". Perhaps, and probably that's what I needed, is for people to just drum what I already knew and suspected inside, into my thick skull, because I didn't want to admit it to myself. Thank you all for your input. Definitely food for thought, which I'll chew on for a while. Luckily, I have all the time in the world for this.

Albatross did bring up the thought of there just not being any d/s chemistry there. Thankfully, I know that's not the case. As I said, we very much both want this, and, I've no doubt that he would be exemplary, and the perfect sub for me. I just think that, yes, the time isn't quite right on it right now.

Thank you for the compliments on the new picture also. I appreciate it.

< Message edited by BKSir -- 6/11/2010 5:29:07 PM >

_____________________________

We'll begin with a spin, traveling in a world of my creation. What we'll see will defy explanation.

I am the voices in your head.

BiggKatt Studios

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 14

RE: Seeking Input Please - 6/11/2010 8:35:46 PM

AQuietSimpleMan

Posts: 1410
Joined: 11/15/2009
Status: offline

It is what it is.

Something is telling you "NO".

No matter what it is. LISTEN TO IT.

The Universe has strange ways....... If you don't heed them the universe will do it itself.

Until you can figure this out do not move forward.

In the end it may be something that you KNOW you just don't want to know and are pretending it just isn't there.

QSM

_____________________________

Guy Stud =Vs= Girl Slut ~~ Debate ENDED!

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Post #: 15

RE: Seeking Input Please - 6/11/2010 8:59:50 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AQuietSimpleMan
Something is telling you "NO". No matter what it is. LISTEN TO IT.

I have to agree with this (along with everyone else who counseled patience). Something is wrong in this setup... not necessarily permanently or spectacularly wrong. But somehow, something isn't right and I like the idea of holding firm till you know what it is.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to AQuietSimpleMan)

Post #: 16

RE: Seeking Input Please - 6/11/2010 9:02:46 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

In other words, listen to your gut feelings... I do even though they dictated some interesting and dangerous choices. Never been let down yet but when I ignore them, I wind up in deep doodoo

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to AQuietSimpleMan)

Post #: 17

RE: Seeking Input Please - 6/11/2010 9:22:14 PM

BKSir

Posts: 4037
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
Status: offline

I fully agree with that and sympathize. My gut feeling very very rarely steer me wrong. When I ignore them, I tend to end up screwed, in the bad way.

_____________________________

We'll begin with a spin, traveling in a world of my creation. What we'll see will defy explanation.

I am the voices in your head.

BiggKatt Studios

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 18

RE: Seeking Input Please - 6/11/2010 10:32:00 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

*hugs mah darlin BK*

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Post #: 19

RE: Seeking Input Please - 6/11/2010 10:35:36 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

BK, first I want to say that it's good seeing you around here. Add another compliment to the pile about the new pic.

You know, I can completely identify with you here. When My D/s dynamic ended with pet about four years ago, I felt the same way. I still remember how bad that hurt. I don't mean it stung a little. I mean it ripped Me up pretty good. I know it colored My perception for a while and I second guessed Myself on a lot of things there for a bit.

There's really no rush. It sounds like both of you need a little time anyway. Take it. Your gut will tell you when you're ready.

I know you already know all of that. I just wanted to tell you that I'm glad to see you here again.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to BKSir)

Post #: 20

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