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The lightspeed of online interaction - 6/14/2010 2:52:15 AM

Searchin4What

Posts: 16
Joined: 7/18/2007
Status: offline

I've noticed this in my own relationships in the past, and I've seen it in womens' profiles here.

I'm not sure if it happens to men too, as my profile browsing is mostly limited to female submissives in my area.

This site is ostensibly for those who wish to make a connection with another, be it online or in-person, depending on needs. But it sure seems like people are in a hurry to make those connections, to be 'under protection' or 'linked to' or whatever phrasing the couple feels is appropriate.

Perhaps it's just that I've noticed it more, or it's a statistical blip, but I'm curious about the community's thoughts.

Personally, I'm not willing to go very fast. I've made that mistake and was disillusioned for a while, because of the unrealistic expectations I put on the other person. If I'm talking to a woman here, and she's been on the site for a week, and tells me she's under the protection of another as of ten minutes ago...good for them.

I don't understand the need to go fast. Is it just because we love that connection when it happens? Romeo and Juliet at work? Is it because of this site's mediums of interaction, where we only get part of someone's personality and not necessarily the whole picture?

Maybe when it's not 3 am I'll be able to think about it more clearly, but for now, think or flame away.

Post #: 1

RE: The lightspeed of online interaction - 6/14/2010 3:52:53 AM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
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oh good, this gives me the opportunity to share a cmail i got the other day which said 'if youre not looking, kindly remove youre profile and stop wasting peoples time'

- i think the whole point of putting up whatever people put is largely to save people the time and effort in contacting them until such time as they have met this person theyve put themselves on hold for.

as youve said, youve learnt not to move too fast - its something that some people have to realise for themselves. a person may sound great on the phone, they may seem to have all of the qualites and attributes youre after, but until you meet its impossible to say for sure.

subs get bombarded by cmails the whole time and if youre the type, as i am, where i like to concentrate on one person when i think ive found someone worth concentrating on, i will put up 'not looking' or whatever.

i do think the 'under protection' and 'under consideration' thing is driven usually by the D type. they tell the sub to put it up and so they do, being good likle subs they do as theyre told.

the fast thing is just alot to do with being new and exciteable and easy to bamboozle. its all part of the wanting to belong to someone

_____________________________

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(in reply to Searchin4What)

Post #: 2

RE: The lightspeed of online interaction - 6/14/2010 4:15:36 AM

CynthiaWVirginia

Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline

quote:

This site is ostensibly for those who wish to make a connection with another, be it online or in-person, depending on needs. But it sure seems like people are in a hurry to make those connections, to be 'under protection' or 'linked to' or whatever phrasing the couple feels is appropriate.

I've seen many reasons for this, but most have been due to sub frenzy. It's not easy being new and not knowing the ropes, or...finally having a name for what one feels and...being too trusting of others. Many who are not in sub frenzy let their guard down when it's not wise to do so. Not everyone under protection has been snapped up and sexually exploited. Some of us used to catch newbies and tried to slow them down, guiding them into reading about safeties, etc. I didn't get any jollies from these people, and some became my friends over time.

Many are so hungry...like new baby vampires that are crazed for their first feeding. They will give anything to anyone in order to get their needs met, until they're burnt for the first time and learn to slow down.

With others, their newly released submissive feelings make it almost impossible to say no to anyone for a while. Some were doormats in vanilla, and after some time as a submissive they learn when not to submit, hard limits, and how to stand up for themselves.

If I went to a foreign country, the first thing I'd do is make a friend and let them assist me in learning new ways and how to avoid getting into trouble...until I had learned the language and customs for myself.

There is a difference between temporary guidance and leadership, and making someone your servant or sex slave. Many rush in to help "train" newbies but are really wanting dibs on the fresh meat.

quote:

Personally, I'm not willing to go very fast.

Good. But...you had to be disillusioned first in order to slow down...right? I am also someone who doesn't like to go very fast, but...very fast is just a relative term, meaning something different to each person. I was much faster in vanilla, and not as careful to get to know someone well before deciding to get involved.

quote:

I don't understand the need to go fast. Is it just because we love that connection when it happens? Romeo and Juliet at work? Is it because of this site's mediums of interaction, where we only get part of someone's personality and not necessarily the whole picture?

Some people tend to jump into relationships...just like Romeo and Juliet. It was a heck of an eventful 3 days for them, wasn't it? Day 1, they met; day 2, they married; day 3, they died. (Some kid actually wrote that as their report on Romeo and Juliet, lol.) With some online relationships it goes just like that; only, after a few days it's the relationship that's dead, not the people. After this, "juliet" might be willing to go at a slower, more cautious pace. Some people just can't change their natures though...the moment they exit one relationship they enter another with someone else. Vanilla or D/s, it's all the same. I noticed this in many vanillas long before I "discovered" D/s.

Some people are like lemmings...

quote:

Maybe when it's not 3 a.m. I'll be able to think about it more clearly, but for now, think or flame away.

You're not the only night owl here...it's 7 a.m. now and I'm going to bed shortly. Everyone's entitled to their own opinion, and to ponder about things...I didn't see you insulting anyone.

(in reply to Searchin4What)

Post #: 3

RE: The lightspeed of online interaction - 6/14/2010 7:53:42 AM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
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I don't see this as restricted towards sub frenzy. In fact, I see it more prevalent with Doms, having Dom frenzy.

I find many Doms I have chatted with simply cannot fathom taking the time to get to know a woman as a woman, rather than as a sub.

You can always tell, guy writes, girl writes back. Guy says can we go to IM, girl says ok. Guy asks intrusive sexual questions, girl says I would rather get to know you on a more general level to see if there is any possible chemistry before details are given. Guy gets upset and says, oh you are not being very submissive and slinks away, hoping to find the next sub who will have the type of frenzy he has.

Another tactic is guy insists on a meeting which may be agreed to. Guy goes overboard getting too excited before meeting. Girl says, slow down dude, why get so excited over something which may not work out? Girl agrees to meet and then guy either bails, does not show up or disappears because guy is hiding something or unable to walk the walk, he only wanted to hear the talk.

We are a society of instant gratification and online interactions feed into that.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 6/14/2010 7:54:37 AM >

(in reply to CynthiaWVirginia)

Post #: 4

RE: The lightspeed of online interaction - 6/14/2010 8:44:05 AM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
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Online relationships do tend to move forward quickly because, when you're limited to just emailing and chatting and even when you progress to phone (I'm also talking about honest, "real", healthy-type relationships, not trolling and cyber-sexing and that type of stuff), you're not distracted by movies, sports activities, dancing and loud music, or other outside influences that you have when you're real-life dating. Since all you can do is have conversation, you just find things to talk about, which leads to personal things being talked about sooner, and things just progress if both parties like what they are hearing. Also, it's easy and free (except for internet or phone charges, of couse, lol) to meet up for an hour before bed every night. Real time casual dating means getting dressed up and spending money on activities, food and drink, and therefore, probably only happens one or two nights a week.

Plus, when you aren't having eye contact, or their physical condition isn't affecting you negatively or distracting you like it will in real time, your brain just gets the positive, warm & fuzzy mental images, not the down-to-earth, realistic ones.

Just the nature of the beast, IMO.

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Post #: 5

RE: The lightspeed of online interaction - 6/14/2010 9:52:35 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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Not just online. I know people in real life who overinvest after a first date and start worrying about problems after they get married. Not coincidentally, doing this tends to prevent them from ever getting to that stage. Some people claim to want a relationship but put up roadblocks to stop it, this is just one way to do so.

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Post #: 6

RE: The lightspeed of online interaction - 6/14/2010 11:29:22 AM

Searchin4What

Posts: 16
Joined: 7/18/2007
Status: offline

There is a difference between temporary guidance and leadership, and making someone your servant or sex slave. Many rush in to help "train" newbies but are really wanting dibs on the fresh meat.

This is what worries me. I suppose it's possible that good things would come from it, but it seems far more likely that disillusionment and railing at the 'fakes and liars' will be forthcoming.

quote:

Personally, I'm not willing to go very fast.

Good. But...you had to be disillusioned first in order to slow down...right? I am also someone who doesn't like to go very fast, but...very fast is just a relative term, meaning something different to each person. I was much faster in vanilla, and not as careful to get to know someone well before deciding to get involved.

I did have to have that bad experience first. I just wish there were some way to spare others the massive headache involved.

(in reply to CynthiaWVirginia)

Post #: 7

RE: The lightspeed of online interaction - 6/14/2010 12:19:12 PM

SpiritofaSub

Posts: 14
Joined: 5/22/2010
Status: offline

quote:

I just wish there were some way to spare others the massive headache involved.

Searchin4What
Your Op reminded me of decades of discussions with friends and family regarding sparing someone from the heartache we went through. Our conversations were always addressing questions such as; if i only knew now what i knew then, hind-sight is better then fore-sight, or if someone would have taken the trouble to tell me what they went through. The question though that was asked in the forefront was, would we have changed things? I don't think many would, but this is just my own opinion. Many people make a decision out of a want instead of a need. Wants are usually laden with emotions that need a fix right away.

It would be wonderful in someways if our experiences could save someone. If asked I will give my opinion, but I always keep in mind, they might not listen. I do not believe a person must listen to me, or I am just wasting my voice. No one is obligated to listen to my advice. People make mistakes, hopefully they learn eventually from them.

Reviewing the decades of my life, my downfalls have been also my biggest learning points. Now I try harder to not react from a want, instead I try to stay centered in what I honestly need. This for me has been my life saver.

(in reply to Searchin4What)

Post #: 8

RE: The lightspeed of online interaction - 6/14/2010 3:45:31 PM

Elisabella

Posts: 3939
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I don't see this as restricted towards sub frenzy. In fact, I see it more prevalent with Doms, having Dom frenzy.

I find many Doms I have chatted with simply cannot fathom taking the time to get to know a woman as a woman, rather than as a sub.

You can always tell, guy writes, girl writes back. Guy says can we go to IM, girl says ok. Guy asks intrusive sexual questions, girl says I would rather get to know you on a more general level to see if there is any possible chemistry before details are given. Guy gets upset and says, oh you are not being very submissive and slinks away, hoping to find the next sub who will have the type of frenzy he has.

Another tactic is guy insists on a meeting which may be agreed to. Guy goes overboard getting too excited before meeting. Girl says, slow down dude, why get so excited over something which may not work out? Girl agrees to meet and then guy either bails, does not show up or disappears because guy is hiding something or unable to walk the walk, he only wanted to hear the talk.

We are a society of instant gratification and online interactions feed into that.

This is so freaking true.

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 9

RE: The lightspeed of online interaction - 6/15/2010 11:05:35 AM

cassandria

Posts: 86
Joined: 6/6/2010
Status: offline

Like one of the other posters stated, sometimes when there's so much mail coming in, it's easier to simply take down a profile to focus on someone you feel has potential.

(in reply to Elisabella)

Post #: 10

RE: The lightspeed of online interaction - 6/15/2010 11:34:03 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

I don't understand the need to go fast. Is it just because we love that connection when it happens? Romeo and Juliet at work? Is it because of this site's mediums of interaction, where we only get part of someone's personality and not necessarily the whole picture

Sometimes lightening strikes yanno? I do not know what you mean by "fast" either, for that matter.

In my experience it is not necessarily the snails that win the race when it comes to relationships, and the men I have interacted with that wanted a real relationship tended to move pretty quickly, lest the opportunity went by. If someone really wants ya, they usually aren't willing to take the risk someone else is going to get you... and of course I am talking real life here, not internet relationships

_____________________________

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(in reply to Searchin4What)

Post #: 11

RE: The lightspeed of online interaction - 6/15/2010 12:43:20 PM

HisSub1213

Posts: 219
Joined: 11/3/2008
Status: offline

quote:

oh good, this gives me the opportunity to share a cmail i got the other day which said 'if youre not looking, kindly remove youre profile and stop wasting peoples time' - i think the whole point of putting up whatever people put is largely to save people the time and effort in contacting them until such time as they have met this person theyve put themselves on hold for.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one getting these emails.

I agree with you that the people put things on their profiles to save people (and themselves) time, however I find that most people simply don't Read the profiles in the first place. I try to respond to the cmails I get here and with the first response explain that I'm not looking for a partner, that I have one. Even at that, some tend to not even read the mail apparently because they persist in pestering you after its been made (what I think is) clear why it is that you're here. This site being what it is, there will always be wankers, but really I would think a no is a no. Oh wait, that's right, some guys think that when she says no she really means Yes! LOL

As to the relationship I'm in, I met him here. We talked in IM's/Emails and on the phone for a significant amount of time before ever meeting face to face. Fortunately they chemistry was there. And even with that said, we Still take things slow.

Edited because I had a temporary case of CRS and forgot how to properly format things. LOL

< Message edited by HisSub1213 -- 6/15/2010 12:46:05 PM >

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Post #: 12

RE: The lightspeed of online interaction - 6/15/2010 2:01:23 PM

Searchin4What

Posts: 16
Joined: 7/18/2007
Status: offline

quote:

In my experience it is not necessarily the snails that win the race when it comes to relationships, and the men I have interacted with that wanted a real relationship tended to move pretty quickly, lest the opportunity went by. If someone really wants ya, they usually aren't willing to take the risk someone else is going to get you... and of course I am talking real life here, not internet relationships

I think that's the difference in online and r/l. Online, people seem to move faster, for fear that one of the 100 other guys she's talking with will take her away.

Or girls. I don't want to discriminate.

For me, I don't know right away if I want to be with a woman I know through email/IM. I've gotten burned on that. I want to find out if there's good conversation, a personality fit, and if that's there, I'll want to meet.

Side note: I've learned that in the first few emails with a woman, it's best to ask a question, so as to give her something to talk about. This gets old, very fast, especially if there's only a sentence or less that they answer with.

Is all that because of the volume of mail that women can get? It's not worth it to put more thought into responses?

Or is that a topic for a different thread?

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 13

RE: The lightspeed of online interaction - 6/15/2010 2:17:16 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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To me it isn't real until it is real... meaning that it isn't real until I meet someone, before that it is a fun little exercise in seeing if what they say jibes with me..

When I met my exhusband we had an exclusive relationship within a few days of meeting... we were married within a year.

My last dom and I played the first day we met.... and we were involved for 4 years off and on, and are still friends.,..

What do the above have in common, they were went from 0 to 60 in short time and they were meaningful relationships in my life. I find it doesn't really matter how long you know someone, it matters what both of you do after you meet....There was a study that suggests that the longer a man waits to ask a woman to marry them after dating, the less likely the relationship will succeed... men know what they want in short order, and if they want a woman as a mate they don't let the grass grow under their feet.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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Post #: 14

RE: The lightspeed of online interaction - 6/15/2010 4:33:59 PM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

men know what they want in short order, and if they want a woman as a mate they don't let the grass grow under their feet.

I agree. As a matter of fact I know as well. It doesn't take me eons to surmise if you're someone I'd probably gel with outside of here. I'm perfectly fine with taking my time once we've decided to explore, but I don't need a few months under my belt to make that determination. I'm relatively fast in that regard.

~porcelaine

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Post #: 15

RE: The lightspeed of online interaction - 6/15/2010 7:20:44 PM

thishereboi

Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

oh good, this gives me the opportunity to share a cmail i got the other day which said 'if youre not looking, kindly remove youre profile and stop wasting peoples time'

Well I don't blame them. It probably took all of 3 seconds to see "I'm not looking" at the top of your profile. When you are holding you dick trying to find profiles to wank to, 3 seconds can be a long time.

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Post #: 16

RE: The lightspeed of online interaction - 6/15/2010 10:07:48 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

men know what they want in short order, and if they want a woman as a mate they don't let the grass grow under their feet.

I agree. As a matter of fact I know as well. It doesn't take me eons to surmise if you're someone I'd probably gel with outside of here. I'm perfectly fine with taking my time once we've decided to explore, but I don't need a few months under my belt to make that determination. I'm relatively fast in that regard.

~porcelaine

That is just the thing, sometimes in my experience people wanna stretch out talking over the internet into months and months.... I don't have that sort of patience. Life is short. I think people should move at their own pace... and that might not be my pace.

As such I suppose I do not pay attention to how fast or how slow others move...

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to porcelaine)

Post #: 17

RE: The lightspeed of online interaction - 6/15/2010 10:49:02 PM

wandersalone

Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Searchin4What
For me, I don't know right away if I want to be with a woman I know through email/IM. I've gotten burned on that. I want to find out if there's good conversation, a personality fit, and if that's there, I'll want to meet.

There are a couple of ways to look at this for me. I probably fit your definition of fast as in wanting to meet. I don't need (or want) to go into in depth emails to find a connection. In fact, I have done this in the past and then found when I met the person that we just didn't gel in real life. So I want to meet for a coffee within a couple of weeks of first contact. I obviously use my judgment about who to meet, more in common in our communications so far would always be picked ahead of people who send millions of one liners.

However the process after this may take a lot longer, the getting to know them and working out if we are a good fit for each other but hell yeah, I definitely want to meet sooner rather than later.

I find that this is a great way to figure out who is searching for wank fodder and who is here hoping to meet people for real life friendships and possibly relationships.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Searchin4What
Side note: I've learned that in the first few emails with a woman, it's best to ask a question, so as to give her something to talk about. This gets old, very fast, especially if there's only a sentence or less that they answer with.

Is all that because of the volume of mail that women can get? It's not worth it to put more thought into responses?

Or is that a topic for a different thread?

It probably is a topic for a different thread however I will answer here

For myself if a person sends me a message which shows that they have read my profile and have constructed a thoughtful question then I will take my time to write a detailed reply. People who comment on my forum posts as well receive a longer reply as well. I guess for me I appreciate it when people take the time to write to me for something apart from help in getting their rocks off so I like to reciprocate in kind.

Comments or questions about my boots, what they would like to do with me and my boots an am I a good or bad girl generally get a polite but short "I wish you all the best in finding someone who is more of a match for you".

edited to add errant d's

< Message edited by wandersalone -- 6/15/2010 10:54:49 PM >

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Post #: 18

RE: The lightspeed of online interaction - 6/15/2010 11:04:21 PM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: wandersalone

For myself if a person sends me a message which shows that they have read my profile and have constructed a thoughtful question then I will take my time to write a detailed reply. People who comment on my forum posts as well receive a longer reply as well. I guess for me I appreciate it when people take the time to write to me for something apart from help in getting their rocks off so I like to reciprocate in kind.

Comments or questions about my boots, what they would like to do with me and my boots an am I a good or bad girl generally get a polite but short "I wish you all the best in finding someone who is more of a match for you".

I'm with Wanders on this one.

I will have a conversation with anyone who cmails me with a pleasant, thoughtful message or one that makes me laugh.

My profile clearly states I'm not looking to provide anyone with wank fodder (although phrased somewhat more elegantly...) so if the conversation suddenly turns into intrusive sexual questions or a description of their fantasies, I simply don't reply. If they push it and ask why I haven't replied, I'll do the 'good luck in your search' stuff.

I have met many people off cm, and I'm extremely aware that online chemistry and r/l chemistry are two very different things. Although I'm happy to meet fairly quickly (within a week or so), I make it clear that there'll be no play or sex until I decide, and that might take weeks or months. That often weeds out those who are interested more in what's between my legs rather than what's between my ears.

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(in reply to wandersalone)

Post #: 19

RE: The lightspeed of online interaction - 6/15/2010 11:26:36 PM

CynthiaWVirginia

Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I don't see this as restricted towards sub frenzy. In fact, I see it more prevalent with Doms, having Dom frenzy.

My bad, sorry about that, sexyred1...you're right. It's been years since my brain switched over to the other mode so I didn't even think about the Dom/femsub side of this.
quote:

I've seen many reasons for this, but most have been due to sub frenzy.

I hope the "I've seen..." part of my sentence covered some of my arse.

Personally, when I'm in dom/me frenzy, that's when I back off and cool myself down. Chain the beast to the wall

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 20

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