CallaFirestormBW
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Joined: 6/29/2008
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I think that there is a fine line between withholding information and discretion. There are some places and situations that just don't require full disclosure, but sometimes, you can't -help- but disclose things about yourself to people in your life who might judge the situation poorly. Fortunately, BDSM/authority-based life is one area that is open to a great deal of discretion, which, combined with learning some simple semi-evasive but completely honest responses to questions, can allow one to have a joyful life, be honest about oneself, and still practice discretion and maintain healthy relationships with the more judgmental members of one's social circle.
My father is 85 years old. He's pretty set in his ways, and pretty vocal about approving or disapproving of certain behaviors.
I am poly, actively involved in authority-based relationships, into blood sports, tattoos, piercings, and a religion that is widely divergent from the one I was raised in. While I don't have to discuss sex with him, it would break my heart to not have him meet some of my companions and get to know his grandchildren who come from the non-traditional relationships I am in just as much as the ones born out of the sanctioned marriage I had. This required a lot of fine-tuning to pull off, and for many years, I handled it by avoiding the situation entirely (and by avoiding my dad, whom I was angry with for other issues that had nothing to do with relationships, sex, or body modification, but had EVERYTHING to do with another pet-peeve area revolving around my mom and his decisions about her end-of-life issues as well, in the process).
When I became an Elder on my spiritual path (Elder = Teacher), I was no longer allowed to avoid my dad. I was told, during my Trials to Elder, that I was going to have to figure out a way to interact with my father in a way that was mutually respectful of both of us. Doing so helped me to understand that we can be completely honest about our lives with those we care about, but can do so in a way that -also- respects the sanctity of their deeply held beliefs, fears, and values. Sometimes, though, even when we try to be discrete, there are going to be people who just can't accept our right to make choices other than the ones that they've made -- and sometimes, these people are family members. Sometimes, whether we are blatant or subtle, those close to us will pick up enough clues to be able to see what we are (or what they suspect that we are) and will call us on it in ways that may range from the helpful to the completely unproductive.
For most people, the goal in life is to effect change in their neighbors/friends/family to be carbon-copies of themselves -- they don't worry about changing themselves and, in fact, are often overtly hostile to anyone who attempts to present a worldview that is in conflict with their own, especially if it seems that they might be required to embrace something that their own worldview finds reprehensible. Sometimes, in order to be able to be true to oneself, it requires confronting those who would try to re-shape us in their own image or who would insist that we be something other than ourselves, even when we've subtly indicated that our well-being lies in a different direction. Discretion is the better part of valor, but sometimes courage means continuing on the road, even when doing so requires plowing through roadblocks set by those who purport to "love" us, and then use that "love" to crowbar us around to their point of view. (These are the times when I suspect that the words "I love you" really mean "You -belong- to me and have to be what I want you to be" -- which is all good if you choose to be in that kind of a relationship, but, as we've discussed earlier, when it's non-consensual and one-sided... well.. not so much.)
Calla
< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 6/14/2010 2:32:41 PM >
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Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"
"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer
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