Where am i going wrong?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Where am i going wrong?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Where am i going wrong?

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Where am i going wrong? - 4/12/2006 7:23:47 AM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline

Forgive my naivety and also my bad spelling lol. My first master i met online but not through collar me, turned out he was really just a normal guy into spanking! My second was off here (no names) and he just wanted to hurt me and didn't stop even when the safe word was used. My third (and present) everything i wanted until now. I havent spoken to him in over a week and twice he has not shown up and didn't let me know he wasn't coming.
I seem to pick the wrong master and wading through the 'your beautiful' messages and the 'let me spank you' messages only seems to have me more and more confused as to what to look for.
Just hoping someone can give me some advice. Thanx

Post #: 1

RE: Where am i going wrong? - 4/12/2006 7:29:30 AM

justmeagain69

Posts: 28
Joined: 2/16/2006
From: Upstate NY
Status: offline

All I can really say to be encouraging is something like:

You have to kiss alot of frogs before you meet a prince.

There really is no perfect formula, if there was Id have a Master myself right now. I think the main thing is to be true to who you are, dont settle, be specific in what you feel you need to get from a relationship with your Dominant and what you can and cannot give of yourself. So far it sounds like your experiences are much the norm. You will find some that just dont understand the lifestyle, some think that no matter what they should be able to do what they want, safewords or no, and there are still others that have just enough knowledge to be dangerous, on both the sub and Dom side of things.

You are on a site where, at least in my opinion, the majority of folks are real and serious - kind and willing to guide and teach should you desire it. There are worse places to look, but just remember to trust your instincts, if something smells bad, it generally is.

_____________________________

Got a kick for a dog begging for love? I gotta have my suffering so that I can have my cross - Tori Amos

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 2

RE: Where am i going wrong? - 4/12/2006 7:33:48 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Take more time to get to know them before you commit to them.

My advice to beginners is to wait at least 6 months before getting into a committed relationship with ANYONE.

Your present method is just jumping into whatever looks shiny and nifty. That's fine if you're talking a spanking scene, not so fine if you're talking a committed relationship.

Slow down, take your time, find the PERSON, not the "dom role."

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 3

RE: Where am i going wrong? - 4/12/2006 7:50:20 AM

maybemaybenot

Posts: 2817
Joined: 9/22/2005
Status: offline

I would suggest you get out and go to a munch or two, meet some real *live* people and interact.

Reading websites, reading books, doing the online thing is fine. But IMO if you are only looking and learning online, you are limiting yourself to the hunt and peck system.

Another suggestion is you may want to re think your profile. It pretty much says "push my limits, PLEASE !!!!"
And the three you have met have done exactly that and it hasn't worked out well so far.

You might want to include things you are interested in, describe your submissiveness, add some vanilla interests. You say you are stubborn and hard to handle, you may want to clarify that. I am guessing you mean you are head strong, determined and so on. You say in your profile you like being punished. Punishment is an unpleasant experience. Do you mean you like spankings, floggings, etc ? If you like them... they aren't punishment.

I don't mean this as unkind, but as advice : your profile screams out to the wannabe and players. Take some time and thought, think about what YOU are looking for in a Master and what you have to offer and create a little script about it.

mbmbn

_____________________________

Tolerance of evil is suicide.- NYC Firefighter

When tolerance is not reciprocated, tolerance becomes surrender.

(in reply to justmeagain69)

Post #: 4

RE: Where am i going wrong? - 4/12/2006 8:11:51 AM

Heinz

Posts: 65
Joined: 4/19/2005
Status: offline

I think you have to go out more, go to meetings and talk with others. Do'nt force yourself te find a Master. Do you meet some one, then fist talk a lot together about each other desires. only then you will know if He or She is the wright partner.

_____________________________

Heinz, from Holland (Europe)

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 5

RE: Where am i going wrong? - 4/12/2006 8:17:29 AM

Elegant

Posts: 1024
Joined: 3/15/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Take more time to get to know them before you commit to them.

My advice to beginners is to wait at least 6 months before getting into a committed relationship with ANYONE.

Your present method is just jumping into whatever looks shiny and nifty. That's fine if you're talking a spanking scene, not so fine if you're talking a committed relationship.

Slow down, take your time, find the PERSON, not the "dom role."

I totally agree! Look for a person and let that develop and see if it goes anywhere.

My opinion: Master/slave relationships should not be thought of as kinky boyfriend/girlfriend. It's a commitment and not something to go into without thought, communication, respect, honesty etc etc etc.

_____________________________

Elegant
~Slave To Master Archer

http://www.FantasiesInLeather.com

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 6

RE: Where am i going wrong? - 4/12/2006 10:39:42 AM

acctonthelook

Posts: 245
Joined: 3/28/2006
Status: offline

In Reply to the OP ( agreeing with Elegant & Lucky ):

Being new to the lifestyle reading posts, learn about others and myself; I have a want to meet the right Dom for me. It is not my intention to 'just get experience' or 'play'.

You need to look inside of you as to what you 'need'. I need a real connection to build trust. It's a commitment for me. Others like 'play' and only have that interest without commitment.

You seem to want that commitment. Slow down and as Lucky & Elegant said, get to know the person, take the time, don't jump into scene right away.

Using the term Master is not appropriate at this time because you don't 'feel' connected (emotionally or physically) to these men. Clearly from your post.

When I am to call someone Master, I will because we have developed that commitment, to eachother. It's not just a one-way street. Think about that a little, keep reading and posting! You will find your inner-self.

Sometimes we need to know more about ourselves before we are able to give of ourselves. That goes for these men you've encountered too. Getting to 'know' them over time will help you see their true agenda or goals in life. Kink Only vs. D/s, M/s.

Gaining experience should be saved for someone worthy.

Do you feel you are worthy? Look to yourself for that answer and maybe others will treat you in the manner you crave.

Self respect is a powerful tool and can help weed out the 'characters' out there.

< Message edited by acctonthelook -- 4/12/2006 10:44:21 AM >

(in reply to Elegant)

Post #: 7

RE: Where am i going wrong? - 4/12/2006 1:48:34 PM

DelRey

Posts: 314
Joined: 12/3/2005
Status: offline

LOL,
You may have thought the "bar scene" was phucked, Ha ! Welcome to the jungle of online dating. Where if you don't like who you are, you can become anyone or any type to snare an unsuspecting victim.

My opinion, the ease of the next online relationship fuels the "grass maybe greener" syndrome. People are less likely to settle and commit. It's just too easy to do cyber searches for fresh meat..... love and commitment doesn't have much of a chance to grow with the next possible hottie right around the corner.

D.R.

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 8

RE: Where am i going wrong? - 4/12/2006 2:28:10 PM

Interesdom

Posts: 197
Joined: 5/24/2004
From: England
Status: offline

There has been some good advice here and I hope you heed it.

The main message I have has been said and it's about your profile: it is inviting all and sundry and most especially the wannabes and abusers.

The more you write, without restricting what might happen, the more you let someone genuine make a good judgement before contacting you and the easier it is to weed out the (majority) rubbish responses you will get (yes, I am a male dominant but I have seen the stuff you femsubs get).

Remember also that you are not just talking about yourself but trying to speak to the man you want to attract. Think about him: what does he want to know in order to write to you? What will he respond to? Also, trim things down for your own sake: state your age limits (do you really want anyone from 18 to 88 to write?), location limits etc. If nothing else, it helps you quickly weed out those who respond who don't fit.

Specifically, I would advise removing the words "However limits are there to be pushed and i hope sum1 will come along capable of pushing mine." Given that you consider yourself somewhat wilful, words like "I don't want to only submit - I want to be dominated." will serve you better - it actually gets you the sort of man you want but is more daunting and will put off those who don't really know how to handle a woman.

As others have said, take time to know the man. A man who doesn't want you to know him, and can't be bothered by you .... well, think about it - what does it say about him? What does it say vice-versa? If you don't even know whether he likes sugar in his coffee, can you be sure of his tastes in other areas?

Best wishes in your search.

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 9

RE: Where am i going wrong? - 4/12/2006 3:22:11 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

On thing you might like to add to your "must have" list is "references ". References can take many forms, 1. talking to someone who has actually known the person actively within the scene. 2. real proof that the potential Dom has been involved in a previous long term Master/slave relationship or anything long term for that matter (shows the ability to actually have a relationship with someone) etc etc etc...

All adds up to LA's advice... take it slow...it takes time to get to know someone.....hey its your life your playing with~!

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to DelRey)

Post #: 10

RE: Where am i going wrong? - 4/12/2006 3:52:23 PM

murmur

Posts: 394
Joined: 9/26/2005
Status: offline

amen and hallelujah for acctonthelook

(in reply to Interesdom)

Post #: 11

RE: Where am i going wrong? - 4/12/2006 4:01:11 PM

cariad

Posts: 943
Joined: 9/25/2004
From: Calgary, Alberta
Status: offline

girl went through the same thing as you (the OP) and finally gave into the fact she had found the "wrong" Master for herself, she finally got up the courage to ask for release and while that didn't go as she wanted, she told Him because of His answer she thereby considers herself released.

girl has since done some soul searching, weeded through the wannabe's, the hngs and those who are more "nilla" than not and has found she needed to do the soul searching as she now knows what she wants in a Master and hopefully will find what she seeks.

as someone else here put it "You have to kiss a lot of frogs," that is so true, in order to find your Prince or Knight in shining armour you need to do what girl did and weed through those who are hngs, wannabes and then hopefully you will find what you seek.

good luck with things and girl hopes things work out.

_____________________________

The Path To Being A Good slave Takes Hard Work, A Willingness To Learn, Ability To Take Criticism and the Ability To Take Punishments Well. i Am Still Learning So Please Be Patient With me, As i Walk the Path to Being A good slave. SLRN: 742 958 000

(in reply to murmur)

Post #: 12

RE: Where am i going wrong? - 4/12/2006 4:10:41 PM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline

Ty to lucky albatross - you have me down to a tee. I really do need to look before i leap!
Maybemaybenot and interesdom - ty for your advice - i will definately be changing my profile.
Delrey - I'm not sure whether your opinion is of me or the men i have chosen. Either way i find it a little on the cynical side. I appreciate that there are definately people out there like you have described but i am one of the hopefuls that somewhere out there is the right dom for me. Thank you.
Slavejali - Whilst your advice is really good i toook reference on one of the doms i saw and whilst the person raved about him and said how lovely he was it turned out he basically just wanted to hurt me physically with no boundaries. This has kind of put me off that course of action but thank you.

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 13

RE: Where am i going wrong? - 4/12/2006 5:10:14 PM

cillydom

Posts: 332
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

I have a problem with the whole reference thing.

Does one ask for references in the nilla world.

And what if he’s a perfectly decent guy/dom that never had much if anything to do with the organized scene.

And who would give these references and what exactly would they mean.

Would they reflect his mental/emotional state or that he was a responsible partner for a permanent relationship?

Wouldn’t getting to know him and getting a sense of his maturity be better?

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 14

RE: Where am i going wrong? - 4/12/2006 5:23:59 PM

maybemaybenot

Posts: 2817
Joined: 9/22/2005
Status: offline

Kudos on the new profile !!
btw.. being strong willed can be an asset to a submissive, don't look on it as a total negative.
mbmbn

_____________________________

Tolerance of evil is suicide.- NYC Firefighter

When tolerance is not reciprocated, tolerance becomes surrender.

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 15

RE: Where am i going wrong? - 4/12/2006 8:39:21 PM

acctonthelook

Posts: 245
Joined: 3/28/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: maybemaybenot
being strong willed can be an asset to a submissive, don't look on it as a total negative.

Ok, so it's not discussed but sub's hold the power. Well for the most part anyway...shhhhh!

(in reply to maybemaybenot)

Post #: 16

RE: Where am i going wrong? - 4/12/2006 9:23:21 PM

Archer

Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cillydom

I have a problem with the whole reference thing.

Does one ask for references in the nilla world.

And what if he’s a perfectly decent guy/dom that never had much if anything to do with the organized scene.

And who would give these references and what exactly would they mean.

Would they reflect his mental/emotional state or that he was a responsible partner for a permanent relationship?

Wouldn’t getting to know him and getting a sense of his maturity be better?

Yes you do ask for references in the vamilla world. You ask your freinds if they know anything about the guy, you ask a bartender about them, you meet their freinds and ask them questions. You find out who else has dated them and you check into them in many ways.

As for the unconnected with the scene folks that's a red flag item. ( note red flag isn't a deal killer, it is mearly cause for more investigation) Why are they not connected socially inept? Inability to get along with people?, Anger management problems?, Delussions of superiority? could be any number of things that are reasos for concern, or it could just be that they are new or that they have become disillusioned, or that they have any number of actually reasonable things that keep them from being involved in the community.

Who gives references?
Freinds, co workers, past relationships, family members, community leaders who knopw them, etc. The reference can be lifestyle or non lifestyle, good references as well as bad ones, you are investigating the possibility of a relationship it doesn't matter what the relationship is. You don't have to tell his co worker that you're going to be the guy's slave, you can simply say you are looking at dating the person.

A reference from an old flame who he parted with on good terms is one thing a reeference from an old flame who he stalked for months afterwards is something else. While it's unlikely that you'll get a name from the person directly of a person they stalked, it is possible you will get those names from the references, they give you.

References tell you any number of things if you ask the right questions and they often lead to other people who know the person who are not pre set references who will be less screened to give only a "Good" reference.

References are not the be all end all but they are a usefull tool.
Lifestyle references can tell you if they have been a problem as far as ignoring safewords etc, people develope a reputation and that is what you find out with references, their reputation, even if it is that nobody knows much about them.

In Leather

Archer

(in reply to cillydom)

Post #: 17

RE: Where am i going wrong? - 4/12/2006 10:15:15 PM

Evanesce

Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline

I looked at the new profile and, while it is definitely an improvement, it doesn't say much about what it is you're really looking for. What do you want in a dom?

Also, when getting to know someone, it's important that you have interests in common outside of BDSM. Once the cuffs come off and the gag comes out and the whips are all picked up and put away, do you still have something to talk about? If not, then the relationship simply isn't going to work at all.

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 18

RE: Where am i going wrong? - 4/13/2006 10:17:27 AM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline

Evanesce - to be completely honest i am not sure what it is exactly i want in a dom. The only thing i am 100% sure of is that he would need to be very dominant and able to handle my willfullness and stubborn streak. Other than that as i learn what i need/ want i'll add it to my profile.
I understand what you are saying about interests and that they need to be more than in the bedroom. My personal opinion though is that you can share loads of interests and still not click. If i tell all now there is nothing to discover!
Thank you for your advice.

(in reply to Evanesce)

Post #: 19

RE: Where am i going wrong? - 4/13/2006 10:57:44 AM

LordDominik

Posts: 114
Joined: 5/3/2004
From: Omaha, Nebraska
Status: offline

I can assure you that you're not alone in any way. Everyone who has ever had a relationship, has had this problem. The problem itself is, communication. More times than not, people are far too afraid to be as open as the should about themselves, what they want, what they like and dislike, and what the seek in a partner.

Don't beat around the bush. If you have a problem with something that someone is doing, stop, and tell them. Lay all your cards on the table up front, so that any potential partners will know where you stand, and exactly what it is you seek. Don't be afraid to ask questions. What do they like to do? What would they do if a certain situation took place, and how might they react or respond? What do they seek. What do they like?

If you come across a person who will not anwser these questions, and believe Me when I say you will, then you know right away they are not open about who they are and what they want. Honest communication is the key. Be honest about who you are and what you want, and expect the same from the other person.

~ LD

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Where am i going wrong?

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094