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RE: Where am i going wrong? - 4/13/2006 11:15:31 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		Here is My analogy: Walk in to a stadium, there are 20,000 people--do you expect the first, second, or third person you meet to be the person you will spend the rest of your life with? Would you expose your self to be chained and beaten by the first, second or third person you meet?
 
The life and sites like this are no different, be selective, picky and very clear about what you want or don't want--its your ballgame until you say otherwise.

< Message edited by MHOO314 -- 4/13/2006 11:16:02 AM >

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RE: Where am i going wrong? - 4/13/2006 1:05:14 PM   
LoganStrange


Posts: 34
Joined: 4/13/2006
Status: offline 		2cents here
 
I see a constant refernce to being Dominated, but not knowing truely what you want, perhaps that is the real issue,
A Dom by definition dominates, and to many people use this as an excuss to be selfish prick, but the lifestyle is built on consent and communication, sounds like what you really need is a Master willing to allow you to explore and discover who you are, to allow change of both intrests and limits, as opposed to a Dom that already knows exactly what he wants and will take it wether your really ready or not.
 
Don't look for a Dom that already wants something, look for one that is willing to allow you to grow.

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RE: Where am i going wrong? - 4/13/2006 1:20:07 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:



Does one ask for references in the nilla world.





Try to get a job, security clearance or credit card without references. References are a tool used to seek patterns. Most people don't change overnight, though there are exceptions. I don't think references should be the only tool, but they can certainly go into the bag as an available one. Like most things, common sense is going to go a long way in establishing if any match is good for you.

Celeste

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"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


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RE: Where am i going wrong? - 4/13/2006 1:38:25 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		Re: References

Sorry you had a bum steer on the references...but do still see it as a very valid way to get to know things about the person.

Have an interesting story about RL references vs internet references as well.

I got feedback from all kinds of people about Master. Funny how many *online only* people warned me away from him, told me he was a player and wasnt serious, told me all kinds of bs, I think one person even told me he was dangerous *grin* this was happening right up to the day before he left to come visit me.
Strange, any RL person I spoke to however told a completely different story.

Now which ones did I listen to?

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RE: Where am i going wrong? - 4/13/2006 1:41:51 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:



Have an interesting story about RL references vs internet references as well.



::chuckles:: I have a theory about internet references.. they aren't worth the paper they're written on. ;)

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


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RE: Where am i going wrong? - 4/13/2006 1:46:51 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline

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RE: Where am i going wrong? - 4/13/2006 1:54:51 PM   
cillydom


Posts: 332
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		i still think taking the time to get to know the person is the best reference check

after all are they gona give you bad refs?

ok then get to know his friends if thats posible but play partners arnt going to tell you much of their character

and my ex wife probibly still hates me after 35 years and i'm not the same person i was then



< Message edited by cillydom -- 4/13/2006 1:55:17 PM >

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RE: Where am i going wrong? - 4/13/2006 2:18:58 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline
quote:


Original Quote: cillydom
and my ex wife probibly still hates me after 35 years and i'm not the same person i was then


Yeah I wouldn't take much credence in what an embittered ex said either. References arent the *be all and end all* but valid.
Example: I was speaking with one submissive who knew Master real life, she was telling me about how one time after a play party I cant remember why (whether they had been drinking and couldnt drive or whatever cant remember) but they ended up in a hotel room together and Master was the perfect gentleman and didnt take advantage of the situation. Just little things like that add up.

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Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

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Profile   Post #: 28
A few thoughts - 4/13/2006 9:06:48 PM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		missturbation

Two red flags to me are screaming out of your posts

One, if you pick shitty men in vanilla dating you are going to pick fantastic men here, fantastic assholes that is. 

Second, and worse in my opinion is your statement "The only thing i am 100% sure of is that he would need to be very dominant and able to handle my willfullness and stubborn streak."

If you think you are going to meet some magic human being who is going to get inside your mind and "fix", "deal with", "control" your need to be out of control you are sadly mistaken.  Nobody has the ability to "handle" you, to control your wilfullness and stubborness only YOU have that power.  A talented Dominant who cares and strikes you at your emotional core can certainly provide you with motivation but nothing more. 

Do you know WHY you have such a need to be willfull and stubborn?  Not just the excuse you tell yourself but the core reason that is a central issue for you?  If you don't understand it you sure as hell aren't going to find a stranger who is going to walk into your life and make you into some beautiful obedient kajira like figure radiating in some bullshit glorious submission.

Of course, I could just be full of shit too...

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RE: A few thoughts - 4/14/2006 1:25:03 AM   
acctonthelook


Posts: 245
Joined: 3/28/2006
Status: offline 		OMG, I love that you post!  I love the way you think.  I love the way you approach subjects!  Just great!  Love hearing from you!

quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom
Second, and worse in my opinion is your statement "The only thing i am 100% sure of is that he would need to be very dominant and able to handle my willfullness and stubborn streak."

If you think you are going to meet some magic human being who is going to get inside your mind and "fix", "deal with", "control" your need to be out of control you are sadly mistaken.  Nobody has the ability to "handle" you, to control your wilfullness and stubborness only YOU have that power.  A talented Dominant who cares and strikes you at your emotional core can certainly provide you with motivation but nothing more. 

If you don't understand it you sure as hell aren't going to find a stranger who is going to walk into your life and make you into some beautiful obedient kajira like figure radiating in some bullshit glorious submission.

Of course, I could just be full of shit too...

(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Where am i going wrong? - 4/14/2006 6:33:56 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		Crappydom.
 
Quote - 'if you pick shitty men in vanilla dating you are going to pick fantastic men here, fantastic assholes that is.'
 
Firstly i hvae given no details of my dating experiences in vanilla terms. Secondly thank you for your vote of confidence that i can get past my mistakes and move on.

Quote - 'nobody has the ability to "handle you", to control your willfulness and stubborness only you have that power.'

I never said anyone could handle me. I am perfectly aware that the desire to rebel is something i have the control over. I am however hopeful that someone out there will be the person i do not feel the need to rebel against. I state these traits in my profile because i feel it is only fair for people to be aware of them.
 
Quote - 'Do you know why you have such a need to be willful and stubborn?'
 
I hate to dissapoint you but there is no great trauma which has led me to have these traits. I have displayed them since i was born ( ask my parents). They are part of my personality. |Would you question my sense of humour in this way? Personality is what makes us us.
 
Quote - ' not just the excuse you tell yourself but the core reason that is a central issue for you?'
 
See above - and if you need to know more try asking god he made me this way.
 
Quote - 'some bullshit glorious submission'
 
My, my am i glad cynical is not a trait of mine. No judgement on you but your post is written that way.
 
A final thought for you - criticizing others is a dangerous thing, not so much beacause you may make mistakes about them, but beacause you may be revealing the truth about yourself - Harold Medina.

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Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Where am i going wrong? - 4/14/2006 8:10:15 AM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Missturbation,

We already know you chose three wrong Dominants in a row and I was trying to see if this was a pattern of yours.  I was neither complimenting you nor insulting you.  If you only want sugar coated responses that place the blame on others, you should put that in your post.

As a reminder, here is what you wrote: "The only thing i am 100% sure of is that he would need to be very dominant and able to handle my willfullness and stubborn streak."

Interesting that you chose to mention trauma, which I did not, in response to a rather broad question asking where those traits come from.  I have no idea where those traits come from which is why I asked where YOU felt they came from. 

As for my cynical comment about "glorious submission" it wasn't mean as an insult to you in any way.   It was an insult directed at the soft fluffy fantasy that D/s creates some sort of magic perfect relationship that cures all ills.

I am sorry if you took my post as an attack, I was simply asking hard questions that arent' fun to answer but in my humble experience are ones that are stumbling blocks to having a fair shot at a happy and healthy relationship which I actually hope you achieve.

Best of luck!


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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Where am i going wrong? - 4/14/2006 8:23:13 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		Crappydom.

I have chosen three bad doms yes. I have not blamed anyone for this except myself. The title of my question states this 'where am I going wrong?'. I think it was quite obvious it was a pattern due to hey three in a row bad choices. A pattern that i am now trying to break and most people on here have been very constructive and have not all sugar coated their replies. That is definately not what am i looking for from this. I however also did not ask for personal attacks on me and fell that this is what your post was.
I don't need reminding what i have posted and to be honest you have read that and seen what you want to see in it. As i have said in my last post i never said anyone could handle me but i am asking that they take my traits into consideration. I also still stand by my saying that it would take someone fairly strict to get the right balance with me.
I mentioned trauma due to the undertones of how your question was put. The implication of a problem causing my stubborness etc was there.
I actually like your way of thinking and the fact you do not sugar coat but maybe you should stop to consider why it is you feel the need to attack and criticise other people bad decisions/ faults? 

(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Where am i going wrong? - 4/14/2006 9:05:00 AM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Miss,

Nobody is attacking you, certainly not me.  You have made a mistake, three in fact.  If we didn't give a shit, none of us would have bothered to respond. 

Why are you so defensive?  That sounds like a very simple question, but it isn't. 

For me, the greatest part about S&M wasn't great sex, although I sure enjoy that part.  It was being forced to look inward to answers to very very hard questions.  I am STILL doing it years later.  I have left FAR more than my fair share of broken hearts, destroyed relationships, shattered egos, broken dreams behind.  I am NOT lecturing you from a place of perfection and anyone who tells you they are is full of shit. 

However, by looking inward at ME, I have grown immensely and am a vastly better person today than I was 10 years ago.  Of course when you start at a 10 on the asshole meter it helps! 

Perhaps this would help, I am not trying to lecture you in any way.  I have no interest in shaming you or making you feel bad.  I am offering my help along a very very difficult journey in what little pathetic ways I am able to.  A journey I might add that I am still on as well.

Hope this helps.

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Where am i going wrong? - 4/16/2006 7:45:31 AM   
ehlovindom


Posts: 248
Joined: 1/23/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

I never said anyone could handle me. I am perfectly aware that the desire to rebel is something i have the control over. I am however hopeful that someone out there will be the person i do not feel the need to rebel against. I state these traits in my profile because i feel it is only fair for people to be aware of them.



The most important thing is time. Taking the time to get know the dom and something that you WILL have to work on, being with a dom who WILL take the time to get to you know personally and intimately, not just your kink part of you.


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Know which bridge to build, which one to cross, and which one to burn!

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Profile   Post #: 35
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