RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve

RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve (Full Version)

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Andalusite -> RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve (6/25/2010 6:58:58 PM)
It's been pretty easy and fun for me, but it does require ramping up slowly, and taking the risk of being up-front. A lot of people are too impatient, or too afraid of rejection.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve (6/25/2010 7:00:40 PM)
When I think back and remember that I was the VERY FIRST BDSM experience for at least half a dozen people... But they all approached me with an interest, I didn't say OH, ever thought of THIS?

PeonForHer -> RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve (6/25/2010 7:23:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus Smarty! [:D] My common response to the marrieds is "Why aren't you serving your wife, and making HER life easier? ". Not enough of the sexAY yanno! Because she doesn't wear leather. Not glamourous to take our your OWN trash, just because! I'd imagine it's a double-challenge. It's not just that he has to try to encourage any dominant urge she has in her, he's got to overcome an inability to see her as a dominant. Years ago I only had a very narrow image of a dominant. She'd have to be cold, aloof, disdainful - yep, all that crap. Girlfriends and wives, though, tend not to be like that, on account of they tend to be fond of you, hence their being with you in the first place. Heh. Funny how things change. Nowadays, the cold and aloof ones irritate the tits off me. Well, you live and you learn. :-)

LadyHibiscus -> RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve (6/25/2010 7:27:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PeonForHer quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus Smarty! [:D] My common response to the marrieds is "Why aren't you serving your wife, and making HER life easier? ". Not enough of the sexAY yanno! Because she doesn't wear leather. Not glamourous to take our your OWN trash, just because! I'd imagine it's a double-challenge. It's not just that he has to try to encourage any dominant urge she has in her, he's got to overcome an inability to see her as a dominant. Years ago I only had a very narrow image of a dominant. She'd have to be cold, aloof, disdainful - yep, all that crap. Girlfriends and wives, though, tend not to be like that, on account of they tend to be fond of you, hence their being with you in the first place. Heh. Funny how things change. Nowadays, the cold and aloof ones irritate the tits off me. Well, you live and you learn. :-) Thank goodness for that!! Though yanno, I have this reputation among my haters of being totally stuck up!! Srsly. I am not sure how you can be as big a goofball as me and still be stuck up... whatevs. It's the whole SERVICE thing I was responding to. First there is the crew who think that oral sex is service. Oral sex is SEX, boyo, and what makes you think you're getting any? Then there is the set who want to do Things like pick up and clean and whatnot. I ask them, what are you doing in your own house? Are you helping with the housework, doing the outdoor stuff, dealing with the car, or is SHE doing every blessed thing? Is it more important that you have the TRAPPINGS of D/s, or the REALITY of making your woman's life better? I get lots of embarrassed silence then!

PeonForHer -> RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve (6/25/2010 7:37:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus I have this reputation among my haters of being totally stuck up!! Come come, Lady Hib. How could you be stuck up? You're American!

LadyHibiscus -> RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve (6/25/2010 7:39:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PeonForHer quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus I have this reputation among my haters of being totally stuck up!! Come come, Lady Hib. How could you be stuck up? You're American! [sm=biggrin.gif][sm=biggrin.gif][sm=biggrin.gif]

Nineveh -> RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve (6/25/2010 11:43:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SirsJewel i read this more and more,from both sub and dom males, "I am happily married". No You're not or You wouldn't be here,You'd be with her. Try talking to her and see where fate takes You if You need this in Your life, good luck ~ jewels Ahem. I am happily married. Doesn't mean she and I don't both realize we need more than the other can offer. We're open, we're honest, and we're happy with one another. That isn't going to change. I don't expect ANY one woman can be all that I need. I don't expect ANY one man can be all that she needs, that's why we have an open marriage.

SirsJewel -> RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve (6/26/2010 4:38:40 AM)
If what You say "Is" true,since many many marrieds claim the open marriage thing,only to find down the road the other had no clue they were in it,lol. Such the way of the BSer movement online with thier tales of woe is me, my other half doesn't like the kinky stuff,or "I am the big bad domly,but I cannot for the life me get my wife to swallow, let alone do anything kinky,lol, what a joke. And YES i am one of the victims of a made up man online,had the digits to his work his home his cell and a long laundry list of LIES,to fill his fantasies with,till one day it came tumbling down after many visits and "i love Yous" said. If You're a HAPPY married, again i will say this=== put your wife on the phone on a three way call and let's hear her side of the coin,how happy she is that her hubby sits on here while she tends house,and what?,perhaps sits online too,wanting more out of life then what is there? i was married,and not one time,did i sneek away from the oasis of marriage to screw around in fantasyland online. More power to the rareeeeeeeeeeeee but few that actually lead honest lives,but most simply do not how very sad~ jewels

LadyHibiscus -> RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve (6/26/2010 7:22:15 AM)
Ever so true, Jewels!! For the honest like Nineveh there are dozens who ~wait~ to drop the "by the way..." tidbit after you have wasted time getting to know them. No doubt they figure that their winning personalities will make us forget our personal standards!~

Nineveh -> RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve (6/26/2010 12:52:12 PM)
what sir's jewel says is a good tack. If you are at all concerned about how someone's spouse feels about it. Talk to the spouse. If they won't let you talk to the spouse they're hiding something. My wife doesn't frequent this site because she's not looking for anyone (she has more potential men than she can handle) and kink is not her first focus in a potential partner anyway. However anyone that I start to interact with in a serious way is going to meet her, and when we start talking on the phone she's going to get to talk to her. After all, my relationship with my wife and my relationship with my sub are going to strongly affect one another, it's kind of important for me that they get along. This is just as true of a married sub, if the relationship is anything but purely in the bedroom then any limits or expectations placed on the sub are going to effect his or her spouse. It is very much in the interests of a potential dominant to have that spouse as an ally (I have Dommed married women in the past, and having her spouse on my side made a HUGE difference) It can also be helpful for the spouse to have a Dom/me on their side, in order to have more leverage as far as getting his or her own needs met.

seanysub2 -> RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve (6/26/2010 8:12:17 PM)
[:o] I understand completely. I have been married 10years and my wife is just not interested. It really sucks.

SadisticMs -> RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve (6/27/2010 6:48:38 AM)
In many ways, a married sub would be perfect for me because I am only looking for part time and I don't want the sub to make that "I want you as my full time domme" attachment. Yep, I'm married, and yep, he knows and will meet. But once again...if the sub's spouse isn't available for consultation, then there's no possibilities left. I'm quite protective of my primary relationship and that includes not getting entangled in someone else's mess.

MistressDarkArt -> RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve (6/27/2010 2:42:08 PM)
OP, I receive CMail like the one below at least 50 times a week. I will post my reply to him so you can benefit. You see, I adore dominant women, but have a very vanilla wife who has trouble making any decisions at all. I admit I do crave the distraction and escape of D/s and even BDSM whenever I can. I'm not looking for sex. In fact I don't do sexual intercourse outside marriage. Still, a woman like you to have a relationship with is a longtime dream of mine. I just wanted to perhaps fill in a little bit of the other side of the story Ma'am. My reply: Your situation/explanation is neither unique or compelling. That you would marry a woman you weren't fundamentally compatible with begs the question: exactly who couldn't make a prudent decision here? The fact that you 'don't have 'sexual intercourse' outside your marriage' does not absolve you from cheating...you cheat when your wife is not involved and approving of your outside activities, whatever you care to call them. Do you offer oral service to your domme? Do you get hard thinking about/experiencing a session? Do you have an orgasm while in service or fantasizing about service? That is ALL sex, make no mistake. Or, to make it even simpler: would your wife think your outside activities weren't sexual in nature and thus approve of your doing them? Man up, take responsibility and quit whining. The point is, OP: you have nothing to offer a Mistress besides 'tribute' so no, you don't get to have your cake and eat it too. Get over yourself. At NO TIME are your needs more important than that of your dominant. And I extend myself to say if you are truly submissive, service to your wife in whatever form she desires (even if that's taking out the garbage or taking her to a nice dinner) should be your first and only priority.

cloudboy -> RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve (6/27/2010 4:22:28 PM)
quote: too black and white. That's the general view of unmarried people. "Why didn't you do this?" "How come you didn't know that?" "You made your choice." etc. Funny, in contract law, no contract is reasonably expected to survive a lifetime without some modifications -- but when it comes to marriage there is a prevailing view of "all or nothing" -- for a lifetime. Generally the critics heap their focus on the wayward, confused, conflicted individual -- and rarely is an eye directed at traditional marital expectations and how they actually comport with human personalities over 10-20-30 year periods of time.

LadySunn -> RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve (6/27/2010 6:37:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact I'm glad you were honest about it, but exactly why would you think kinky people have a different attitude on a moral issue such as cheating? Honesty.

cloudboy -> RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve (6/27/2010 9:30:46 PM)
> You paint a bleak picture of the state of marriage in the West, particularly in the United States. What makes it so bad? Marriage in the West isn’t doing very well because it’s in direct confrontation with the evolved reality of our species. What we argue in the book is that the best way to increase marital stability, which in the modern world is an important part of social stability, is to develop a more tolerant and realistic understanding of human sexuality and how human sexuality is being distorted by our modern conception of marriage. Certainly growing up in the '70s and '80s there were very few kids I knew whose parents weren’t divorced at least once. The economic, emotional, psychological cost of fractured relationships is a major problem in American society — with single mothers and single-parent families. < >It seems like many Americans, in particular, have a very strong notion that a marriage must remain monogamous at all costs — and that any infidelity is grounds for divorce. In other countries, like France, for example, that doesn't seem to be the case. I’ve been living off and on for almost 20 years here in Barcelona, and from outside, the United States looks very adolescent, in a positive and negative sense. There's its adolescent energy — its idealism — but there’s also an immaturity and intolerance toward the ambiguity of life and the complexity of relationships. The American sense of relationships and sexuality tends to be very informed by Hollywood: It’s all about the love story. But the love story ends at the wedding and doesn't go into the 40 years that comes after that.<

Andalusite -> RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve (6/28/2010 8:19:06 AM)
If people want an open relationship, or BDSM, and their partner doesn't, then they have some choices to make. If they choose to lie, especially if they put their partner's health at risk without his or her knowledge, I'm going to think very poorly of them. If they are exploring with their partner's knowledge and support, good for them. Cheating might be more acceptable in other countries, in some, it's much less acceptable, even deadly (especially for women). Here in the US, even people who don't have those ethical or moral issues may not want to deal with the drama, or don't want to sneak around, or don't want to bother with someone who doesn't have much time for them.

81song -> RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve (6/28/2010 8:39:48 AM)
I think right from the get go if someone is married or in a relation and they do not tell their mate they are into D/s or any kind of kink well they are not being honest. It will not work and why for the life of me that people do that, well, who knows. It opens a whole another door if someone is open to their mate and tells them. If people would just be honest with themselves and others it very well might lead to what they are looking for. I am told if a Domme has a married man and it is all very much above the board the it is to the advantage of the wife. But like everything else it can go many different ways. Being upfront is the key.

cloudboy -> RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve (6/28/2010 9:41:13 AM)
Marriage is not really set up for honestly and open communication; that's part of the problem. I think there are very sensible arguments for lying, keeping things tight, and being careful. Just because honesty and open communication are working for me, doesn't mean that's going to work for someone else. A lot of people in life are trapped, and they want to live a little bit outside of their situation -- according to the Salon article, this is a perfectly natural impulse -- even though its largely viewed as antithetical to marriage.

LadyPact -> RE: married subs finding Dommes to serve (6/28/2010 10:18:26 AM)
I think we're going to be disagreeing on this subject again, cloudboy. I don't feel that marriage is an arrangement that doesn't encourage honesty and communication. I think that's got a lot more to do with the people involved than the institution of marriage itself. Of course, when it comes to areas like having an interest in authority dynamics, kink, or BDSM some people haven't really come to terms with their desires. It can be very difficult to be honest with someone else about these things when a person isn't or doesn't have the ability to be honest with themselves first. I happen to think that it is very easy to be unfair to the vanilla spouse when it comes to these discussions. Being kinky ourselves, we immediately identify and understand the desires of another kinky person. The vanilla, monogamous spouse may not. It can be very hard to accept something that you don't understand and the kinky person in the pair doesn't always do the best job of helping their partner in that. Also, we have to understand that the non kinky partner in a marriage has just as much right in their non kinky desires as we do in our kinky ones. Not very many of us kinky people would be happy if we were told we had to be monogamous and vanilla. That kind of works both ways. There's a difference between altering a contract so that both people can continue to be happy and forcing someone to live in a way that they don't want and they never signed up for.

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