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lally2 -> RE: newbie subs idea of what dominance is (6/21/2010 1:16:18 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: daddysprop247
quote:
ORIGINAL: lally2
jeff - if we actually do look at punishment as a truely negative thing and then add to that the crime of inexperience how is that a positive, i know youre being devils advocate here, but that is what im trying to discuss in a round about way.
lally, believe it or not, as ancient as i may seem to some here (lol), at one point i too was a newbie. i was single, completely inexperienced in the "lifestyle," and had absolutely zero concept of what was good or bad, right or wrong, acceptable or not, within D/s. i had only just discovered that there was a name for what i was...for why i had such a difficult time refusing people or standing up for myself, why i always placed the desires and whims of others ahead of my own, why i was constantly being taken advantage of while other girls were not, etc. now, had i been introduced to collarme or similar websites at the time i would have been told that i was not a "true" sub, but rather a doormat in need of psychiatric help. but fortunately it was a perfectly vanilla friend who (after my crying on his shoulder over yet another experience of mistreatment), told me that he felt i was submissive and that i should look into it. being naturally obedient, i did just that. [:)] it took all of a day of research for me to realize i was meant to be a slave. and would you believe, many more months passed before i even heard of "BDSM!" lol
anywho, as a fresh-faced newbie my image of the idea Dominant pour moi was someone stern but loving...i envisioned a relationship much like that between the orthodox muslim husbands and wives i had known. nothing kinky or extreme, just an understanding that the Man as Master was head of the household and to be obeyed without question. punishment would be doled out when necessary...never willy nilly or without proper cause.
when i first met my Master, we quickly became friends but at the time neither of us had a thought of our relationship becoming anything deeper than that. in fact i would often think to myself, "He's a decent guy and all, but i definitely don't want a Master like HIM!"...lol. i thought he was too demanding and too harsh! [:D] as it turned out, he was exactly the type of Master i needed, because with him i have learned the extent of my abilities (pretty awesome if i say so myself [;)]), i have been pushed and challenged to grow.
and wow, was that a ramble! my point in all that was to express that punishment dynamics are indeed effective, positive and rewarding for some people. also i think you are talking about two very different issues: newbies jumping into "relationships" too quickly, and submissives being attracted to punishment dynamics. the scenario you described sounds extremely silly to me, and that is meant with no offense to the participants involved...only because there was no actual relationship.
hey there [:)] - youre ramble was very readable!
i do believe though that youre punishment dynamic was poles, i mean poles apart from the 'extremely silly' (and i agree) scenario i described earlier, because there was no relationship, in fact theyd known of each other for less than a week - how was trust even given a chance and puttig all of the blame on her for his failed communication means he took no responsibility for his part, so what else isnt he giong to take responsibility for. it was all so screamingly obviously wrong and i couldnt/wouldnt interfere. she has to find out for herself as we all do but it was hard to witness.
its hard to convey here - but im not picking at punishment dynamics per se, i realise there are the strict daddy relationships the playful 'spank me' relationships going on - all up front and working well. the ones that bug the hell out of me are the ones where it isnt up front and open, fault is found where no fault was meant, weight is thrown around because that is how dominance has been conceptualised. this girl was punished for his mistake and that is no way to START a relationship. i am judging its true, ill admit it - was hard not to and that was what kicked off this thread plus it opened up old memories of my own.
you guys had formed a friendship before the relationship began you went in with youre eyes open.
i was very much like you - always putting people first in all relationships, especially my men and because they were vanilla they didnt understand that it wasnt because i was a doormat.
ive also been in a punishment dynamic, more than one - i remember one time being confused about it though. id already worked out that he enjoyed punishing me, and i do mean serious punishment nothing fluffy - i was confused because there was a very big part of me that never wanted to be punished again offset by the confusion that since he enjoyed punishing me, i should at least provide him with the opportunity to punish. it was a bad situation for me, others more masso might have been ok with it. in the end i had to leave and that was hard because in all other ways i really cared about the relationship. i also came out of that thinking i was a crap sub..... and maybe thats where my real aversion to that sort of punishment dynamic stems from. in the end he wasnt up front with me - i was the one being beaten and made to feel like i was the worst sub on the planet, and all the while he was getting his jolly factor from my misery. bad place.
so yes, ive made some huge mistakes too and i survived and this person has to make hers and survive - it just kicked a bit plus i genuinely wanted to find out what others felt.
its been a fascinating read all along.
take care xx
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