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Have you ever had a relationship w a sub end - 6/20/2010 6:31:40 AM

SubmissiveFox

Posts: 23
Joined: 10/13/2008
Status: offline

because you kept pushing each other and pushing each other AND then found you'd reached the end of the road for each of you? ie. you got to your hard limits and the fun and excitement just wore off?

I'd be interested in hearing stories/experiences about this. Whether you think it's a risk and how to avoid it.

I don't want my new (ish) relationship to run out of steam at all - or at least too early.

I'm not a v. experience sub but my Master is a lot more experienced than me. He seems to think this is a risk - that I'll get fed up with it once we've reached hard limits. I asked him if he'd had this before and he said no. So unsure where this is coming from.

< Message edited by SubmissiveFox -- 6/20/2010 6:33:11 AM >

Post #: 1

RE: Have you ever had a relationship w a sub end - 6/20/2010 7:25:27 AM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

Just because your relationship starts at a point where there are new things to explore for one or both of you, then you explore them only to find new interests (outside limits), etc. does not mean that once you've tried everything you're done. This isn't a journey with a wall at the end.

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to SubmissiveFox)

Post #: 2

RE: Have you ever had a relationship w a sub end - 6/20/2010 7:28:42 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I had a dom who got bored with it all. He did all his little fantasies he had in his head, he did his "fixing" he thought he needed to do on me and then simply got bored and found another who he could do it with all over again.

It happens. I've learned my lesson and found a man who wasn't looking for a kink but for a relationship.

(in reply to mstrjx)

Post #: 3

RE: Have you ever had a relationship w a sub end - 6/20/2010 8:06:53 AM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline

if all youve got is kink between you - if that is the whole and sole reason youre together then it will eventually run out of steam yes.

its rather a negative thing to say to someone though and i have to wonder why he threw that in because it has clearly troubled you - is he feeling a bit insecure about you and do you have a relationship beyond the kink.

maybe he said this because he is aware that youre relationship is based too much around BDSM and nothing else

why dont you ask him what he meant and why he said it.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 4

RE: Have you ever had a relationship w a sub end - 6/20/2010 9:02:29 AM

SubmissiveFox

Posts: 23
Joined: 10/13/2008
Status: offline

Thanks for your responses.

Lally you are right. It has troubled me. Maybe he thinks that's the only reason I'm attracted to him. I don't know. I think it bothered me because to me it read as if he was saying "I expect this will be a short term thing as you will get bored" and the sub-text of it was "and I'm fine with that. I'm not bothered if it's only short term with you."

It's all new and no idea how long will last - but I don't think anyone wants to feel at the start that it is of little consequence to your partner if it's only v. short term fling.

Not thought about (a) the fact it bothered me per se or (b) why that was -until now. Feel sad now. Want him to want more than just a fling I guess!!! Or at least to care if it ends!!

< Message edited by SubmissiveFox -- 6/20/2010 9:04:00 AM >

(in reply to lally2)

Post #: 5

RE: Have you ever had a relationship w a sub end - 6/20/2010 9:17:49 AM

dwedeking

Posts: 13
Joined: 6/28/2009
Status: offline

Any relationship based solely on sex is probably going to be short term. While sex is a very important part of any healthy relationship soon or later you have to get out of bed and do other stuff. If you don't connect on those other levels it will be difficult to have a long term relationship.

My take (without knowing either of you) is that he may feel that is concern and wanted to provide you an opportunity to either think about it or give him feedback. As with any relationship, it takes work and it looks like you two need to work on connecting outside of the kink.

(in reply to SubmissiveFox)

Post #: 6

RE: Have you ever had a relationship w a sub end - 6/20/2010 12:41:10 PM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SubmissiveFox

Thanks for your responses.

Lally you are right. It has troubled me. Maybe he thinks that's the only reason I'm attracted to him. I don't know. I think it bothered me because to me it read as if he was saying "I expect this will be a short term thing as you will get bored" and the sub-text of it was "and I'm fine with that. I'm not bothered if it's only short term with you."

It's all new and no idea how long will last - but I don't think anyone wants to feel at the start that it is of little consequence to your partner if it's only v. short term fling.

Not thought about (a) the fact it bothered me per se or (b) why that was -until now. Feel sad now. Want him to want more than just a fling I guess!!! Or at least to care if it ends!!

i think you guys need to talk it through, tell him how you feel after what he said and that you do want it to go further and last. sometimes people can be a bit 'funny' and a bit dismissive when they really dont mean to be but they dont want to seem like the needy one in the relationship. maybe you guys need to take this out of the kinkfest once in a while and just go out and enjoy each other as people.

and by the way, the Ds dynamic can still work between you even when youre doing vanilla stuff together - in fact its rather hot

< Message edited by lally2 -- 6/20/2010 12:43:19 PM >

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to SubmissiveFox)

Post #: 7

RE: Have you ever had a relationship w a sub end - 6/20/2010 1:54:54 PM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline

No, it wasn't an issue in either my 3-year relationship as a submissive or my 5-year relationship as a Domme. I've been doing BDSM in one form or another for 15 years now, and I still enjoy finding new things to explore. I still discover new things about things I've tried before, and enjoy a lot of things I've done all along.

If someone gets that bored, they're probably boring and uncreative.

(in reply to lally2)

Post #: 8

RE: Have you ever had a relationship w a sub end - 6/20/2010 4:53:32 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

cripes, i was in a five year relationship, and never found it boring. In fact , the further along it went, the more fun it was because i was no longer shy/timid/afraid etc etc. Unless you are a complete mismatch out of the dungeon, i don't see why your relationship shouldn't do as well as ours.

and our relationship ended with his death - and no, i didn't kill him *smile* We came together because of the bdsm, but that isn't why we stayed together.

(in reply to Andalusite)

Post #: 9

RE: Have you ever had a relationship w a sub end - 6/20/2010 5:03:21 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

I can't imagine why your master would suggest YOU'd feel this way. I guess my question to you is Are you in a relationship with your own submission or are you in a relationship with him?. If it's the first of those, then he's probably right. If it's the second, then he's probably wrong.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to SubmissiveFox)

Post #: 10

RE: Have you ever had a relationship w a sub end - 6/21/2010 12:42:29 AM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

Hello Fox,
If the relationship is centered on the sexuality / kink factor, then it may quickly run out of steam. It means that the other 95% of your needs are not getting met. Do you guys just focus on this stuff or do you have conversations? Do you talk about day to day, dry cleaning - grocery store - gas station - furnace - weeding kind of stuff? Do you talk about hopes and dreams, careers, family, interests, fears, idiosyncracies? That woudl certainly tell a whole lot.

Best,
sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 11

RE: Have you ever had a relationship w a sub end - 6/21/2010 5:45:44 AM

SubmissiveFox

Posts: 23
Joined: 10/13/2008
Status: offline

Thanks for your replies.

As for whether we talk about other stuff, this is all very new and we've only been on a few dates but we do get on really well (at least I think we do). I guess you're right I need to ask him.

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 12

RE: Have you ever had a relationship w a sub end - 6/21/2010 12:29:09 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

That's like saying people get divorced when one moves on from playing tennis to playing golf. Full relationships don't end for this. If the relationship is just sex and play, then yes, it probably will.

Do you talk to each other about nonkinky stuff in your lives? Do you go to the movies? Do you call just to hear the other person's voice and tell them you miss them?

Basically, is he really into you or are you just a booty call?

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to SubmissiveFox)

Post #: 13

RE: Have you ever had a relationship w a sub end - 6/21/2010 3:50:04 PM

Aadaa

Posts: 1
Joined: 6/18/2010
Status: offline

Every thing is worth it because it has an end.
Are you expecting some kind of eternal tie? You'll fail.

It's not about taking the risk of an ending, or even accelerating it.
It's about giving the relation a value, and grow your own garden od Eden.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 14

RE: Have you ever had a relationship w a sub end - 6/22/2010 12:29:53 AM

Zevar

Posts: 801
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SubmissiveFox

because you kept pushing each other and pushing each other AND then found you'd reached the end of the road for each of you? ie. you got to your hard limits and the fun and excitement just wore off?

I'd be interested in hearing stories/experiences about this. Whether you think it's a risk and how to avoid it.

I don't want my new (ish) relationship to run out of steam at all - or at least too early.

I'm not a v. experience sub but my Master is a lot more experienced than me. He seems to think this is a risk - that I'll get fed up with it once we've reached hard limits. I asked him if he'd had this before and he said no. So unsure where this is coming from.

Greetings SubmissiveFox:

It seems that the difference between a relationship and simply sexually exploring one another solely is like night and day are to one another. Without other qualities one to another that are valued and which lend toward forming a bond beyond sexual pleasures it is more than likely that the inevitable parting is positioned just over the horizon. Keep in mind if the goal is long term relating than by all means it is important to share more than a mutual sexual chemistry with one another.

Without exploring to determine if there is more than an exclusive sexual interest then without a doubt I would venture to say the fires will fade once the flames have burned the limitedness that is exchanged one to another if one does not evaluate the potential for more of what is truly desired. However this requires self examination and total honesty with oneself prior to being able to offer longevity in a relationship, one to another.

I say, never settle for less than what is truly desired or without fail you get just that.

(in reply to SubmissiveFox)

Post #: 15

RE: Have you ever had a relationship w a sub end - 6/22/2010 6:15:03 AM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

Only if she is shallow. I fall for people, not the things that we do.

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to Zevar)

Post #: 16

RE: Have you ever had a relationship w a sub end - 8/5/2010 10:13:15 PM

SirDarkside357

Posts: 393
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline

I've been living this way of life for a very long time, and many times I have felt as if I had done or tried everything I had ever dreamed of only to discover something else. As long as you are happy in the relationship, new things will "pop" up if you keep your mind working and not let it get lazy.

(in reply to SubmissiveFox)

Post #: 17

RE: Have you ever had a relationship w a sub end - 8/5/2010 10:57:02 PM

ProlificNeeds

Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline

*FR*

Been there, tried that, got the t-shirt?

A relationship shouldn't end just because you sampled all 32 flavors. There's no checklist of achievements to complete before you move on. If your entire relationship is based on a 'todo' list of kinks that are summarily crossed off as you do each, then it's not much of a relationship at all.
Think beyond the kink into life as a whole... except shared with someone, then you're on the right track.

(in reply to SirDarkside357)

Post #: 18

RE: Have you ever had a relationship w a sub end - 9/7/2010 5:36:17 AM

Manawyddan

Posts: 701
Joined: 1/2/2005
From: Petaluma (Northern California)
Status: offline

I know that one of the high points of my relationship with a previous slave was discussing So You Think You Can Dance together. I figure the relationship was safe at least so long as the show stayed on the air!

_____________________________

_______________________________________________
"She always had a terrific sense of humor"
(Valerie Solonas, as described by her mother)
_______________________________________________

(in reply to ProlificNeeds)

Post #: 19

RE: Have you ever had a relationship w a sub end - 9/7/2010 10:22:21 AM

Nineveh

Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline

This has never happened to me. I've had plenty of relationships end, for plenty of reasons. But because we had done all there was to do with one another has never been one of them.

(in reply to Manawyddan)

Post #: 20

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