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Traumatic Pasts-When to tell all? - 4/13/2006 7:31:44 AM   
TNstepsout


Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline 		Ok, here's what I'm trying to figure out. I imagine most of us have some bumps in the road in our lives, some events that are and may continue to be, traumatic for us. Maybe a rape or childhood sexual abuse or an abusive relationship, or maybe even medical/dental experiences that left us somewhat traumatized. So let's say, for the most part, one has worked through and overcome these experiences and is generally well adjusted and healthy... BUT there is always that chance, given the nature and intensity of "lifestyle" activities one could respond or react badly, or have issues based on these events, when does one tell a prospective Dom?

As a Dom/Master do you want these things all spelled out up front, kind of like an owners manual, or would too much of that kind of information cause you to feel like the prospective sub/slave has too many issues and problems to work with?  When is it most appropriate to talk about these things?

Have you ever been sideswiped by an unresolved issue that caused a scene to go badly or end badly? Or just cause relationship/trust issues? Would you have preferred to be told up front about possible "sore spots"? Has unintentional trampling on an unresolved "sore spot" ever caused irreparable harm to a relationship?

< Message edited by TNstepsout -- 4/13/2006 7:40:49 AM >
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RE: Traumatic Pasts-When to tell all? - 4/13/2006 7:44:17 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Yes, Yes, Yes.......

I had a girl laughing really hard once, thought I was doing wonderfully, she was athsmatic and I nearly cakked her, small things can make a difference, it is all about intimacy and communication, Ja?

Ron 

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


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RE: Traumatic Past's-When to tell all - 4/13/2006 7:44:44 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I'd say- tell them when you're ready.

You should certainly tell someone that you DO have abuse/trauma in your past before making a commitment to a serious long term relationship.  You should certainly tell someone who you are now and how you deal with your past abuse/trauma before making a commitment to a serious long term relationship.

However- there's no need to tell the details of the trauma/abuse until you're ready.  If you aren't ready to share them with this person, it might be a good check for yourself to sit back and see why.  It's also generally not cool to spill all the beans very early on (we've all seen attention queens and needy-ones do this). 

Just like the coming out process of anything- it completely depends on where you are, where they are, and where you want to go together. 

I'd want to know that there were serious issues and how they deal with them now so that *I* can make an informed choice.  There ARE issues I can't deal with, wouldn't even try.  There ARE damages that go to a point that I don't think being with me would be healthy for them.  I'd need to know that before we got committed.

I've been sideswiped by things that I was too blinded by love to see at first.  But I've never had a huge bomb dropped.  I suppose it could happen and I'd hope that I'd deal as best as I could, get them help as well.  I'd think unintentional trampling on a sore spot would harm the relationship only if the trampling person is completely obvivious and if the trampled person is still too sensitive to be in that sort of situation.



_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Traumatic Past's-When to tell all - 4/13/2006 7:45:18 AM   
fastlane


Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline 		First you get to know one another and the personality to see if you mesh. Next, you begin to grow closer and disclose those things of importance that have helped to shape you.
Finally, once you have played, slept and pleased each other, you tell the other person about the Son of a Bitches you have buried in your crawl space!

Seriously, disclosure over time is the way I would handle a sensitive experience, unless it may have an immediate impact in your relationship.
My Best to you,  Kevin

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

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RE: Traumatic Pasts-When to tell all? - 4/13/2006 7:46:29 AM   
justmeagain69


Posts: 28
Joined: 2/16/2006
From: Upstate NY
Status: offline 		One cannot over emphasize the importance of open lines of communication.  You should never plan to enter a scene or relationship of this nature especially without being open about your fears, issues, desires etc.  While that will not guarantee that there are no road bumps, it goes a long way to avoiding alot of them.

Good luck to you.


_____________________________

Got a kick for a dog begging for love? I gotta have my suffering so that I can have my cross - Tori Amos

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RE: Traumatic Pasts-When to tell all? - 4/13/2006 7:50:13 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		i was required up front to tell my Master everything.  As soon as i asked him to train me (he did not and could not require this information before that), i was assigned lots and lots of writing, talking, revealing.  He wanted everything.  This was not only an exercise in opening myself up to the one who would come to own me, but required of him so that he could know everything about me.  Knowing my past - traumas, pleasures, happy times, sad times, allowed him to know exactly which trigger buttons to press, and which to avoid.  It helped him to understand me, and my reactions.  As i opened up further, i came to learn it was safe to do so, which motivated me to open up more. 

It was the beginning of his taking over of my mind, and reshaping my thoughts.

Thus he began an intimate relationship, in which i could tell everything to someone who was genuinely interested, and who not only used that information to develop me as slave and woman, but who helped me overcome.

< Message edited by ownedgirlie -- 4/13/2006 7:51:20 AM >

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RE: Traumatic Pasts-When to tell all? - 4/13/2006 9:27:44 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		With me it will be a case by case situation just how much i need to know....  It will not be recriprocal however just the basics.... 

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

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RE: Traumatic Pasts-When to tell all? - 4/13/2006 9:51:20 AM   
MasterWoo


Posts: 3
Joined: 5/25/2004
Status: offline 		Agrees with you there Iron Bear,

Each situation/relationship should be judged on its own merits instead of a sweeping generalisation.   I feel that as a Dominant it is my responsibility to find out if there any hot buttons, and consequently, then to make an educated decision on whether they should be pressed or left well alone.   Especially if professional help has been involved in the healing process of the original situation.

We all have our own areas of expertise and should use them to the best of our abilities to ensure the safety of our respective partners. 

Just my 2 penneth worth

Woo

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RE: Traumatic Pasts-When to tell all? - 4/13/2006 10:00:38 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		This is an excellent question--and a very difficult situation to deal with--it is a damned if you do and a damned if you don't---yes we all have a past, issues and things that impact us--however, as life continues, we all have things going on, feelings, life and reactions to issues that impacted us--unfortunately, we all want honesty so we don't go too far down the road with someone who may not be compatible---and when we do get or give the honesty, it can result in rejection----I would be hard pressed to bring someone new in to My home that had certain issues without major interaction, major time spent in many settings--much conversation-----I have felt the same with other things that have been shared with Me in the past from people in and out of the life--I am after all human, just because I am a Domme does not give Me super human powers--if the trauma of the past is something that has been dealt with or rears its ugly head on occasion--I have the wherewithall to deal, but something that can exist daily or regularly, at My time and stage of life, I am just not sure I have what it takes, but I would rather know from the beginning and make the decision to stay or go, then find out after lives have been very impacted. I have come to realize that at times no whip and no amount of love can overcome certain things--sadly--and how does one tell another--I am so pleased you were honest, thank you--but...it's never easy.

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


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RE: Traumatic Pasts-When to tell all? - 4/13/2006 11:04:37 AM   
LordDominik


Posts: 114
Joined: 5/3/2004
From: Omaha, Nebraska
Status: offline 		I think the question you have to ask yourself here is how big of a role does it play in your life?  I do have medical issues, and as they play a large role in My life and abilities, I disclose them up front, so that everyone knows what they are getting into.  99% of the time, it's really not a problem for those that I tell, but ocassionally I will come across someone who doesn't think they can handle it.  My issues don't change the kind of person that I am, but augment who I am. 
 
We all have good and bad things about us.  What we don't take into consideration though is that it is these things that make us up as a whole, and are partially responsible for who we are today, as a person.  How serious is the issue you have?  Does it still effect you today, and if so, on what level?  When to disclose is up to you, but I would say that the more it has an affect on your life, the sooner I would explore full disclosure.
 
~ LD

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RE: Traumatic Pasts-When to tell all? - 4/13/2006 1:03:01 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		Largely I agree with full disclosure….To A Point.     Disclosure about past relationships? Sure thing, I’m the first to state that no one was wholly at fault but rather it was circumstantial.. I can accept 50% of the responsibility that things went arse up.. Situations regarding employment or the lack there of, accidents, personal traumas and anything which still affects the individual I’ll want to have some information and if needs be will need to know more… I will reciprocate with such things. However some people have been to hell and back and usually have or are suffering PTSD. Often this is a touchy area especially if the wounds are not fully healed…. I’ll give you some disclosure but not the details.. I will for example warn you that some films or scenes can and do have me emotionally choked up or that it is not a good thing to sneak up on me as I can and do physically react defensively which may result in a broken arm or at least you’ll have the shit scared our of you. I’ll instruct you not to sneak quietly into the house if you have been out and come into the bedroom when I’m sleeping without making normal noises.. It could get messy for I awake into combat mode under those circumstances..   


<<< Before I moved to Queensland and was single, a mate came over as arranged and my front door was unlocked, to collect me to go to an SCA outing.. Against my request, he came into the bed room silently (almost) to see what I’d do… before I was fully awake, he was looking down the barrel of my colt 44 magnum with a 9” barrel and loaded with hollow points. As I cocked the gun, something wet, slimy and smelly was sliding down his leg……nuff said>>>  


So yes I’ll tell you what not to do and why I just won’t tell you all the reasons or the history.. BTW, I no longer sleep with a loaded gun under my pillow… Neets may object to gun oil staining the pillows…

< Message edited by IronBear -- 4/13/2006 1:04:14 PM >

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

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RE: Traumatic Pasts-When to tell all? - 4/13/2006 1:23:49 PM   
amayos


Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline
A very good question.

As a dominant Male and a Master, yes, I do want to know about my property's most valuable asset: the mind. It is crucial to explore the pre-existing psychology of your submissive / slave before taking root and shaping them. Those who do not take the time to forge trust, communicate and learn about their property will be somewhat without a compass.

(in reply to TNstepsout)
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RE: Traumatic Pasts-When to tell all? - 4/13/2006 3:17:23 PM   
Tikkiee


Posts: 1099
Joined: 4/6/2006
Status: offline 		Well I am going to be the odd one out here and say that you should always be honest with your partners, concerning medical, emotional, or physical drawbacks; no matter what kind of lifestyle you choose to live. Even if Chris and I had not been part of this lifestyle, he still would have known about my past issues.
Just my thinking though.
 

_____________________________

~~@ cass @~~

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RE: Traumatic Pasts-When to tell all? - 4/13/2006 4:01:46 PM   
enthralled


Posts: 249
Joined: 9/13/2005
From: Nashville, Tn
Status: offline 		I believe in communication to the fullest. If I trust someone enough to scene with them, then I believe they have the right to know anything that may cause the scene to go awry. There's one thing in particular that 'sets me off'. . . it's not something that could possibly mean anything to anyone else or even that they would think it could EVER do any harm, but it's a common practice and just sets me in a really bad headspace. I don't have to go into detail or a long drawn out therapy session; however, I can simply say beforehand 'please dont do such & such". If I don't communicate this to my top, and things DO go wrong, then I don't feel I can blame him for anything s/he did. . . it was simply a matter of lack communication on my part. Isn't that part of negotiating a scene?

Could the Tops/Doms/Masters please develope ESP?? it'd just make things so much easier <lol>

Respectfully,
enthralled


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A man never discloses his own character so clearly as when he describes another's.-Jean Paul Richter

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RE: Traumatic Pasts-When to tell all? - 4/13/2006 4:05:33 PM   
DesertRat


Posts: 2774
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: NM/USA
Status: offline 		The issues exist, whether or not they are discussed. So, I would like to know of them as soon as possible. Not for the purpose of making an accept/reject decision; rather, to have the information at hand should a ramification of the issue arise in our relationship.

Bob

_____________________________

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro--Hunter S. Thompson
It's crackers to slip a rozzer the dropsy in snide!--Chief Dead St. Knockout, 1933, Liverpool
Damn the crops. I'll only find peace at the end of a rope.--Winston Van Loo, 1911

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RE: Traumatic Pasts-When to tell all? - 4/13/2006 4:18:50 PM   
WikedUncle


Posts: 45
Status: offline
quote:

Have you ever been sideswiped by an unresolved issue that caused a scene to go badly or end badly? Or just cause relationship/trust issues? Would you have preferred to be told up front about possible "sore spots"? Has unintentional trampling on an unresolved "sore spot" ever caused irreparable harm to a relationship?

Short answer: No, yes, yes, yes.  The only reason for the one  "no" is that one way of avoiding sideswipes is to anticipate them. Life's baggage can still cause strains, and eventually the strains, not the trauma, can damage a relationship past healing.

Still, it may be unrealistic to "tell all." If "all" is a pretty heavy load, it can be better to reveal issues gradually, going from the general to the specific as your trust of your partner grows. Despite the sermons of the "total honesty" crowd, total honesty when the issues are real and huge can be a long time coming. You have to trust your other: not just to understand, but also not to run away when you reveal what you carry. Most of us with loads to bear want to be confident that won't happen. Nor do we wish to reveal "all" simply to titillate people who are still strangers to some degree.

Fortune find you...



_____________________________

"A man who can express himself in song need not express himself in suicide."

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RE: Traumatic Pasts-When to tell all? - 4/13/2006 4:19:54 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		i want to add just a bit more to this...

It's not just about "scening," to learn the mind of a submissive.  When i opened myself up to my Master and gave him my complete history, he noticed behavior patterns (some good, some not so good) that i had never before noticed about myself.  He was able to use that information to help create a better me, by shifting unhealthy patterns into healthy ones, and emphasizing those patterns which were good to begin with.

His reasons for wanting to know were to better equip him to work with me and shape me.  He already liked the raw material he had in me.  To mold it took knowing what it was made of.

< Message edited by ownedgirlie -- 4/13/2006 4:21:57 PM >

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RE: Traumatic Pasts-When to tell all? - 4/13/2006 5:12:56 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		For me with my Lord, I try not to give more than I am capable of risking in that moment.  It has always just been a natural progression of sharing and increased vulnerability that is not forced, coerced or manipulated to occur.  I don't share them with him because I need him to fix or save me.  I shared some in the beginning to see if he would run.  It has been my experience that not everyone wants to be involved with someone who has had a traumatic past.  Then it reached a point where I couldn't not share with him, but it still just occurred naturally and the interactions had a very natural ebb and flow to them.

For the most part I am very open about the events in my past.  I share when I think an experience I had will add value to an interaction.  My past is my past and I have learned much from it.  When I sense a genuine interest from someone, I will share. 

As for being side-swipped by something, I have flashbacks on very rare occasions regarding some events in my life.  I had a flashback once while having sex; just some small movement on my partners part caused me to flashback to being raped.  I am not sure how I got there, but I ended up huddled in a corner and couldn't be touched for days.  It didn't harm the relationship, but I know that it could be dangerous for me to do a scene where I communicate "no" in some way.  I have an intense fantasy/desire to have a resistance scene, but I know that it has to occur in such a way as to communicate "make me" and not "no".  We work within the boundaries of each other's well-being; my Lord's code is "do my will - harm none". 

It is all individual and you have to do what is right for you and your relationship.

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

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RE: Traumatic Pasts-When to tell all? - 4/13/2006 5:51:20 PM   
Alumbrado


Posts: 5560
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesertRat

The issues exist, whether or not they are discussed. So, I would like to know of them as soon as possible. Not for the purpose of making an accept/reject decision; rather, to have the information at hand should a ramification of the issue arise in our relationship.

Bob



Precisely... entering into a trust based relationship with a Master, but then denying them such information, could have the effect of sabotaging their best efforts and intentions.


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RE: Traumatic Pasts-When to tell all? - 4/13/2006 6:19:04 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Alumbrado


Precisely... entering into a trust based relationship with a Master, but then denying them such information, could have the effect of sabotaging their best efforts and intentions.




And not so much sabbotage, but the Master potentially risks leading the submissive down a path that may not be in her best interest, simply for not knowing.

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