how do you know. . . .

how do you know. . . . (Full Version)

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swt14uca -> how do you know. . . . (6/22/2010 9:47:21 PM)
Hi. i'm fairly new on this site and new to the forums. i have a question, i should know this but i am struggling with my own instincts or the lack thereof at the moment. sorry to ramble. if you have been in a long term relationship and perhaps the only one within this lifestlye and it ends, how do you know when it is time to venture out and become involved again? i hope that makes sense, sometimes i don't. thank you!

CynthiaWVirginia -> RE: how do you know. . . . (6/22/2010 10:48:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: swt14uca Hi. i'm fairly new on this site and new to the forums. i have a question, i should know this but i am struggling with my own instincts or the lack thereof at the moment. sorry to ramble. if you have been in a long term relationship and perhaps the only one within this lifestlye and it ends, how do you know when it is time to venture out and become involved again? i hope that makes sense, sometimes i don't. thank you! When you are comfortable with being alone...and aren't looking for someone to help you take all the pain away. I'm sorry to hear that he's not in your life anymore...while you are healing, be kind to yourself. I wait at least six months, because I don't want to be setting up the next person for a world of hurt by starting a rebound relationship. I call these people...bandaid people. You need them when you're hurting and when you're okay...rip...off they go into a garbage can. This is what I most often see. I don't know how long since you broke up with or lost him. A friend of mine hooked up with someone a day or two later and the new relationship is holding together so far. Sometimes when the right person comes along, all of our plans change. Just...stay busy and find your own sense of self and balance and contentment/peace first, or you can act like my friend...both of us have found someone, I just move at a lot slower pace than she does.

Malkinius -> RE: how do you know. . . . (6/22/2010 10:48:27 PM)
Greetings..... quote: ORIGINAL: swt14uca if you have been in a long term relationship and perhaps the only one within this lifestlye and it ends, how do you know when it is time to venture out and become involved again? i hope that makes sense, sometimes i don't. thank you! It makes sense at least to me. I will give you a simple answer but one that can be hard to judge. The time you should become involved again is when you can no longer stay away or perhaps no longer want to stay away. I think that coming here, creating a profile and posting a question like this already says something about what you want. You want to return. How long can you go without really doing so? Be well.... Malkinius

LafayetteLady -> RE: how do you know. . . . (6/22/2010 11:42:50 PM)
It really isn't all that different than if you were in a long term vanilla relationship. You say only that your former partner is "no longer part of your life." I don't if that means you divorced or he died. Not to be rude, but it can make a difference. If you divorced, you need to deal with any anger that the divorce may have brought about along with grieving the end of the relationship (even if you wanted the divorce, you need to grieve the end of the relationship). If he passed away, then the love never stopped and you have to deal with not only grieving, but not feeling bad about moving on. Take you time, move slowly. You obviously know that you want to continue with a D/s type of relationship. I perved your profile, and so I know that you probably haven't dated in more than a decade. Don't rush things or let anyone rush you. Even meeting people here, doing the "vanilla" dating thing and getting to know the guy is a good idea. When you find someone you really like, you won't wonder when it is a good time to move on. You'll just know. And don't ever forget to trust your gut, and don't play unless YOU are ready to. Welcome to the boards! Relax and enjoy yourself.

SimplyMichael -> RE: how do you know. . . . (6/22/2010 11:53:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: swt14uca Hi. i'm fairly new on this site and new to the forums. i have a question, i should know this but i am struggling with my own instincts or the lack thereof at the moment. sorry to ramble. if you have been in a long term relationship and perhaps the only one within this lifestlye and it ends, how do you know when it is time to venture out and become involved again? i hope that makes sense, sometimes i don't. thank you! When you see them and your heart doesn't race or sink, your stomach doesn't do fliplops, that sort of thing. When you can have long conversations where their name never comes up. When you are making love to someone else and nothing makes you think of them. Takes a long time to get there but that is when you are ready to move on.

sublizzie -> RE: how do you know. . . . (6/23/2010 12:00:13 AM)
When you are no longer desperate for someone, anyone, to take away the pain.

ladybabe2 -> RE: how do you know. . . . (6/23/2010 1:27:59 AM)
I was dumped my master and he is the only one l have ever had, it lasted over 6yrs on and off and to be honest he really hurt me but thats another story and not the question. I realised that l wanted to move on when l no longer thought about being sub to him but just being sub, which has brought me back ti here and to hope xxxx

BentUnit -> RE: how do you know. . . . (6/23/2010 2:23:22 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael quote: ORIGINAL: swt14uca Hi. i'm fairly new on this site and new to the forums. i have a question, i should know this but i am struggling with my own instincts or the lack thereof at the moment. sorry to ramble. if you have been in a long term relationship and perhaps the only one within this lifestlye and it ends, how do you know when it is time to venture out and become involved again? i hope that makes sense, sometimes i don't. thank you! When you see them and your heart doesn't race or sink, your stomach doesn't do fliplops, that sort of thing. When you can have long conversations where their name never comes up. When you are making love to someone else and nothing makes you think of them. Takes a long time to get there but that is when you are ready to move on. Quoted for truth.

BentUnit -> RE: how do you know. . . . (6/23/2010 2:28:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sublizzie When you are no longer desperate for someone, anyone, to take away the pain. Also quoted for truth.

afkarr -> RE: how do you know. . . . (6/23/2010 8:11:37 AM)
When it's something you want; not something you need.

littleone35 -> RE: how do you know. . . . (6/23/2010 12:51:16 PM)
There is no set time limit. When my previous Master died i did not look for a year. Took me another year to find my Master. So don't rush into to anything. You need time to heal and become comfotable with yourself. Attend munches meet people just don't rush into a new relationship, that would be a mistake. Best widhes. Matt's littleone

UniqueRaven -> RE: how do you know. . . . (6/23/2010 12:55:56 PM)
When you know in your heart that if he asked you back, you would say No. When you forgive him for simply being a flawed human being, just like you are. When you accept that he's trying to figure out his way in life, just like you are. When you can look forward to seeing him again and giving him a big hug - and be happy he's found joy in his life, like hopefully you have as well.

swt14uca -> RE: how do you know. . . . (6/23/2010 4:52:07 PM)
Wow! Thanks E/everyone for all of the great responses! i do so appreciate each and everyone of them. Just to clarify, He left me a little over 3 months ago, decided He didn't feel the same way about me and filed for divorce. not something that in my wildest dreams, nightmares imagination would ever happen to U/us. i have sought counseling just to deal with the pain, grief and shock this has been to me. He moved out of the area and has re-established Himself. again, thanks to A/all who took the time to respond!!!

zephyroftheNorth -> RE: how do you know. . . . (6/23/2010 5:01:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: afkarr When it's something you want; not something you need. Funny, I would say the opposite..........when it's something you need not just something you want.

bestheadyet -> RE: how do you know. . . . (6/23/2010 5:35:39 PM)
i really feel for you. i take a long time to heal....but i am self destructive at times.... the last time i had a heartbreak.....took me a year and a caring Master to help get me beyond the hurt and pain. im glad i am out in the world again though i send you a hug

kiwisub12 -> RE: how do you know. . . . (6/23/2010 6:00:06 PM)
My Sir died Tuesday a week ago- and i am looking. I knew he was going to die when he was diagnosed 18 months ago (his cancer happened to be in my field of medicine), and grieved the whole time. I really thought it would be years before i was ready, and to my surprise i feel ready now. I am still sad when i think of him, but not beaten down with grief. The life we had was so wonderful that i can't imagine living without the bdsm component, and relationship. I think maybe my willingness to look is a tribute to how great our life was - after my divorce, i stayed alone and celibate for 10 years. Seems to be one extreme or another! [:D] I'm not saying i don't have grief work to do, but i think i am ready for a relationship of some kind - even if it is friends with benefits. So, OP, you are ready when you are ready. [:)]

January -> RE: how do you know. . . . (6/23/2010 6:08:13 PM)
Oh Kiwi, Sweetie. I'm so sorry. I remember you posting that you were caring for him as he died. I'm glad to hear you're not beaten down by grief. January

BKSir -> RE: how do you know. . . . (6/23/2010 6:12:49 PM)
I think, Kiwi, in a case like that, and my sincerest condolences by the way, it's much like my mother. In the beginning, when she was diagnosed it was hell, because we all knew the outcome. But by the end, yes, I was sad, but, I'd had a goodly amount of time to come to terms with it. Sometimes that can help in a way I think. It helps one to make the most of the time left, and be able to move on a bit more quickly after they do pass. Of course, it's not the same for everyone, but, I know you're probably going to get some flack from people saying "It's only been a little over a week!", but in essence you've had a year and a half truly to come to terms with it, grieve, and begin healing. O.P. How do you know when it's time? Well, unfortunately, there's the caveat there, within the question. I don't know when you're ready. You are the only one who knows when you are ready. But, you will know. It may be tomorrow, it may be in 2 years, it may be sometime after or in between. It's been a year and two months since my pet went back home to Canada, and 4 months since he left our relationship permanently. Sometimes I feel I'm ready to move on, but there's this little something inside me holding me back. So, I know I'm not ready just yet. But I know I will be. By the same token, when I left my ex, two days later I was with someone. And have been with him for over 15 years now. Every relationship and every person is going to be different, have different results, have different emotions and have different 'grief' periods. And there's nothing at all wrong with that. In the meantime though, take all the time you need for you. HUG

Firebirdseeking -> RE: how do you know. . . . (6/23/2010 7:14:28 PM)
I think its helpful to process what happened, what you understand about it. I think so many relationships fail because people dont take the time to process what happened, and they bring their anger and pain, etc, the baggage, right into the next relationship. I think its truly terrible to be blindsided. That is what happened to me as well after 24 years of marriage (vanilla). And that was 8 years ago this month. In October, I will be married again (not vanilla).

swt14uca -> RE: how do you know. . . . (6/23/2010 8:25:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kiwisub12 My Sir died Tuesday a week ago- and i am looking. I knew he was going to die when he was diagnosed 18 months ago (his cancer happened to be in my field of medicine), and grieved the whole time. I really thought it would be years before i was ready, and to my surprise i feel ready now. I am still sad when i think of him, but not beaten down with grief. The life we had was so wonderful that i can't imagine living without the bdsm component, and relationship. I think maybe my willingness to look is a tribute to how great our life was - after my divorce, i stayed alone and celibate for 10 years. Seems to be one extreme or another! [:D] I'm not saying i don't have grief work to do, but i think i am ready for a relationship of some kind - even if it is friends with benefits. So, OP, you are ready when you are ready. [:)] i am so sorry to hear of your loss. thank you for taking the time even in your grieving to reach out. hugs to you!

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