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CaringandReal -> RE: Unintended and Undeserved Consequences (7/6/2010 5:18:12 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Plasticine
I agree with your logic laurell3. However, there is another layer of denial beneath the surface. By definition a Drama Queen is an emotional masochist who can't admit it to themselves, thus all the drama. I can't get into someone's head to do anything unless they are open to it... I wasn't expecting to run into that level of self-deception in someone who theoretically knows they like pain. Lesson learned.
Interesting. Whose definition is that? It's not one I'd ever heard before. By my experience, a drama queen is a narcissist who is not above causing others major grief in their quest to confirm that they are "the fairest of them all" (meaning more than beauty here, obviously). Often they enjoy the mayhem they produce when they respond in an inappropriately exaggerated fashion or just in an out-of-control way around others. They enjoy the effect they have on others, perhaps because it confirms to such people that they have personal power and can control others (Yes, I know, supposedly the opposite of what any submissive says s/he wants, but have you never yet run into a submissive who says one thing but really wants another? If not, I think you need to meet more submissives. They are as common as flies on a horse, in my experience. And no matter what business you are about, biting into rotted, wormy, unripe, or bruised apples help you, more than anything else, to recognize a really good piece of fruit.) Some are driven to do so because they are neroutic--hurt as children, usually, and passing the hurt onto others. That sad old story hardly approaches "nutcase" level (snort!) but as you can perhaps extrapolate from your first-hand experience, many people are prone to overexaggerate and use hot or trigger words to cause a dramatic effect. :/
That's Drama Queenism, in my experience. But it's a good idea not to be too quick to label behavior so neatly, especially when you barely know the individual. If a person has been emotionally pampered by doting parents and is even moderately attractive as she matures, she'll often have been subject to a lot of lies and exaggerations about her importance. The parents because they are partial, overly doting, or even see see her as an extension of themselves (so praising her is praising themselves). The men because they want to get into her pants, and they have learned that flattery is slick oil that helps ease those pants down the hips, particularly those worn by vain young women. In other words, she may have been told a lot of nonsense about herself and you are dealing with a simple inflated self-opinion that was shocked at being served a reality she seldom gets to taste. Such a person is not necessarily a drama queen, out for the mayhem, often she's just an unconscious narcissist who has sincerely bought the story that she's god's gift to the world (or at least to any parts of the world that interest her). To such a person, a comment like the one you made would be seen and painful and shocking, and in today's world of overexaggeration, maybe even abusive.
Then there is the fact that so many people these days casually bandy about the word "abuse" far too easily and apply it to any person who hurts their feelings or doesn't confirm their personal self-image. People who have never suffered real abuse are particularly prone to this confusion (as they have nothing worse to compare getting their feelings hurt to) In bdsm, submissives will occasionally do so because these days it's a hot word with lots of frightening connotations for the one you accuse of it, and they learn they can get their dominant to do what they want (while still sanctimoniously pretending to themselves that they are obedient little slaves) by tearfully accusing him of it.
Which of these scenarios (or one of the many other possibilities I haven't named) is true in your situation? When you know a submissive well, you know the answer to that question--immediately. When you don't know a submissive well (and intend to), it is a good idea when something like this comes up is to be a big boy, shove your own hurt feeling to the back burner, and then calmly ask gently-worded and concerned questions about her attitudes and beliefs, starting with the immediate situation and working outward, to discover what the underlying assumptions or motivations are that actually drove the behavior. Often, you discover surprising or unexpected things when you use this technique. My impression from what you have said in this thread is that you need to ask a lot more questions, to her, not to any of us. Asking the right questions (for the person and the circumstances) is a skill that take some time to finesse, but the only way to learn it is to start doing it.
I do agree with your general conclusion that a person can know some things profoundly well, yet be shockingly ignorant of other things that you consider related. This conclusion is one that you never stop encountering in life (in ever new and interesting ways, sigh), until, I suppose, you memorize the principle rather than focus on specific cases.
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