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Newbie submissive - seeks advice! - 6/27/2010 4:03:27 AM

subrich1984

Posts: 5
Joined: 12/13/2009
Status: offline

I'm hoping this is the right place to post this message, however I'm a newbie who ultimately wants to meet a dominant woman who is willing to teach me how to serve properly (to say I'm a complete newbie would be incorrect - I've had dominant and CFNM experiences).

My problem is how to find a dominant woman, I'm sure this is a problem that many male subs find because currently these are the issues I've found:

- a lot of the "dating sites" are filled with fakes, and also pro-dommes, who I have no problem with, but can't see myself entering into a more long term meaningful Femdom relationship with (am I wrong about this?)

- my job is quite high exposure, i.e. it's client facing in the financial services industry so I meet new people constantly, which makes me really anxious about going to events (Club Pedestal, munchs etc), and also am not too keen on getting into the "scene" without having that partner.

So my question to the group is, what is the best way for me to go about finding a dominant woman? - I'd really appreciate feedback, and of course anyone who is interested in knowing more about me, please feel free to contact me personally.

Thanks for reading!

Richard

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RE: Newbie submissive - seeks advice! - 6/27/2010 6:26:02 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Hi, rich.

1. After a day here, you should see the obvious fakes for what they are. Some of their hallmarks are abysmal spelling and grammar, a focus on nothing but kinky sex, and a single pic of a very attractive woman in a pose. Also, very few real women initiated a contact with me - those that were not fake clearly knew me from my posts here or were local. The fakes all were from out of state and sent me a generic message usually calling me master and saying they "liked my profile".

You don't want pro Dommes, don't initiate contact with them.

2. All clubs have a code - you do not disclose anything about what happens there, outside the scene. Keep in mind that your clients and prospectives probably would be more keen to avoid exposure than you would!

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Newbie submissive - seeks advice! - 6/27/2010 6:43:30 AM

VaguelyCurious

Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline

Steven prettymuch has it covered re: fakes. I would say this:

quote:

ORIGINAL: subrich1984

...I also am not too keen on getting into the "scene" without having that partner.

If this is what's stopping you then I *really* wouldn't worry-clubs and munches are used to dealing with newbies-tell the person on the door at a club that you're new and they'll make sure you get shown around by someone friendly :-)

_____________________________

Sthetic on FetLife.

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RE: Newbie submissive - seeks advice! - 6/27/2010 10:04:40 AM

81song

Posts: 293
Joined: 1/22/2005
Status: offline

The first step is not an easy one in meeting someone because at the end of the day you very well might want to meet a real Domme. But I would take it slow and easy and read up on the do's and don't's . The one thing I found out is the one thing you do is read a lot and go to sites like this to ask questions and in time you might feel a bit more conferable. And like I said take your time and you might also make some like minded friends also.

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RE: Newbie submissive - seeks advice! - 6/27/2010 10:50:21 AM

gedienstig

Posts: 155
Joined: 5/9/2010
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Well, there has to be a bit of luck involved geographically if you're looking for someone on this site. However, should you find a profile that looks decent (usually you can see which are pro domme and which aren't from the profile text, but not always), then it's just like approaching someone in real life. Do not immediately talk about your kinks, and what you like in the bedroom. Show interest in her as a person. Just like when you go out for a job interview you usually prepare a few questions about the company, when approaching a Domme, it's a plus when you can ask her something decent about what your ead in her profile. Give her something to reply to you to, don't just say "Hey, I'm..." but also say "What intrigued me in your profile is..., can you explain that bit more, or how do you see that?" In the end, they would rather have a good conversation via C-Mail than immediately go talk some kinky stuff on the internet.

I mean, I have only written to one profile, one I never thought I'd meet in real life, but it was a profile of a Domme that had indeed intrigued me and I felt like we shared the same view on things. I have approached her very respectfully and we exchanged some views on Femdom. Now, we're a few weeks/months later and we can talk just about pretty much everything (more about daily life than sm-related stuff, and I consider her one of my friends. We have met a few times in real life, and just watched some movies, went out for a drink and shared laughs. And don't just write to every Mistress, only one you would really care to talk to, share views with, kinda like you wouldn't get much chance of a real conversation in a vanilla bar if you're talking to 4 girls at the same time. The message is, "don't rush the love", I hate to give the answer myself, but patience is the key.

No wait, there's an even bigger key, every Mistress you approach on here, is a woman in the first place, a person. Treat her like that, and you'll end up with some nice contacts, even if they're no romantic contacts, you never know what she could teach you, and perhaps persuade you into going to a munch, help you meet someone you like,...

Edit for lies: I wrote to two profiles on here, one to ask a Domme about a technical term, and the other one I told about.

< Message edited by gedienstig -- 6/27/2010 10:53:41 AM >

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RE: Newbie submissive - seeks advice! - 6/27/2010 3:28:21 PM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
Status: offline

subrich1984,

quote:

A lot of the "dating sites" are filled with fakes, and also pro-dommes, who I have no problem with, but can't see myself entering into a more long term meaningful Femdom relationship with (am I wrong about this?)

No you're not wrong about this. However, I wouldn't bring this up in your posts because it looks negative and doesn't reflect well on you or anyone. It can be frustrating having to filter through lots of ads that aren't what you're looking for. Still, the best way to deal with ads not to your liking is to ignore and move on. Don't waste energy thinking about those who are looking for something different than what you want. Avoid sending "are you for real" notes and things of this ilk. Everybody is free to search for what they want so provide others the same grace you expect in return. It's tempting, when you see something that seems offensive, to reply, but don't. Ignore and move on. Someone looking for different things than you hasn't wronged you and, in fact, has actually done you a favour because they've allowed you to see where your incompatibilities are.

quote:

My job is quite high exposure, i.e. it's client facing in the financial services industry so I meet new people constantly, which makes me really anxious about going to events (Club Pedestal, munchs etc), and also am not too keen on getting into the "scene" without having that partner.

Getting involved in your local, kink community is an excellent way to meet people. The general rule at kinky events is whatever happens there remains there and is kept in private. If your clients happen to attend, they want their privacy as much as you do. The fact you're single is fine. There are lots of single people at events. Munches, private parties, public play parties, instructional seminars... these are just a few types of events you can go to. You don't have to jump in, full-on, simply because you go. You can go simply to say hello to people and to observe.

Suggestion: use FetLife to find private parties and private instructional seminars (both types of events are usually hosted in people's homes) in your area. Going to one or more of these is a low-key way to meet people. Note, you'll have to find which groups on FetLife list events for your area. This can be a bit of a challenge at first because FetLife has so many groups, but you'll eventually find the right groups.

quote:

So my question to the group is, what is the best way for me to go about finding a dominant woman? - I'd really appreciate feedback, and of course anyone who is interested in knowing more about me, please feel free to contact me personally.

At the private events I go to, the host goes around the room asking people to introduce themselves. When it's your turn, you can say a bit about who you are and what you're looking for. When others are speaking, you can note the dominant women. Treat this kind of event (and your profile on here, for that matter) no differently than you would meeting anywhere else. Be courteous. Participate in conversation. Get to know people, as people, before diving into kink.

Second suggestion: on here, dial your profile back and re-word it. Remove CFNM, female supremacy, and other, kinky stuff. This is the stuff do-me's (men looking only to fulfill their fetishes) often write about. Dominant women, like human beings in general, don't like being cast as fetish providers. Also, remove the details of your job as this is an area you're concerned about privacy. What should you add? Put in some details that describe you as a human being. Unique hobbies. Things that interest you (mostly vanilla, though you can hint at some kink). Show your sense of humour and your intelligence. Generally, if I can be so bold as to make a sweeping statement, dominant women who are looking for relationship partners seek well rounded men. This is no different than vanilla dating. You wouldn't walk up to a vanilla woman you'd never met and start talking about your sex life. Ditto for dominant women. A dominant woman isn't interested in your BDSM interests until she is interested in you as a person. So... use your profile (and meeting people in real life) to build rapport and the BDSM stuff will come out as flirting and other dynamics happen naturally. Even if a dominant woman's biggest turn-on is CFNM, I've met no woman who wants this handed to her by a stranger, right out of the gate. Doing so is a huge turn-off.

I think the gist of my comments is clear so I'll end at this point. Welcome aboard, subrich1984. :-) Oh! Last thought. Participate in the forums! This is an excellent way to get to know people and to show your personage.

Elan.

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RE: Newbie submissive - seeks advice! - 6/27/2010 4:24:23 PM

Tantriqu

Posts: 2026
Joined: 12/29/2006
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Hi, rich, welcome.
I think your list is just fine, and if CFNM is on the top of it, that's fine for your profile.
However, as above, you should preface it with other vanilla things you'd like to do with a potential partner, and add a description of who you are, not just what you want.

Where are the good (Domme) women? Where the good (sub) men are: charity events, co-ed sporting events, arts events, volunteering. And when you're next at a vanilla event, a comedy club or lecture or whatever, ask out the woman who laughs at the same thing you do, and who holds your gaze. She's not going to look like Ilsa the She-Wolf or dress like Bondage Barbie, but she'll have beautiful eyes ;-)

I asked out a beautiful London banker in a Savile Row suit who asked if he could help me: what a great start!

Good luck.

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RE: Newbie submissive - seeks advice! - 6/27/2010 5:06:20 PM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
Status: offline

Tantriqu,

You and I aren't quite in agreement vis-a-vis profile content, but this is a personal thing. What attracts one person may not work for another. The general concept I was trying to get across is being cautious of putting too much "kink" in a profile. CFNM is pretty mild compared to the long list of kinks I see in some profiles. "I want, I want, I want" is never terribly endearing and this can be exactly what comes across when there are too many kinks listed or when just a few kinks are listed which are not balanced by other, non-kinky interests and skills.

I'm glad you added the close about where to find dominant women. I'd never thought of this quite so clearly and your answer makes so much sense. These women are where you'll find balanced, capable people in general: out and about participating in their communities. Thanks for this reminder.

E.

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RE: Newbie submissive - seeks advice! - 6/27/2010 6:06:29 PM

MsMillgrove

Posts: 260
Joined: 5/27/2008
Status: offline

CFNM? I thought this must be some very bizarre new kink, had to look it up. Gosh, it's blinking Nothing. Why would you even bother to list is as a kink?
Most dommes i know stay clothed and play with naked males all the time. It's what we do down at the dungeon every Sat night. Wow, I am kinda disappointed, I thought CFNM was going to be so hot, it would steam my glasses. Oh I forgot, I don't wear them, too vain. lol

I relate to this fear of showing up in public when you have a high profile career. I admit.. I just didn't have the nerve to do it and waited to come out of closet until til I'd resigned from career and many community obligations. I live in such a conservative community, the roof would fall in, I'd lose every friend etc.. and I needed that high profile and goodwill to do the job.

It's one thing to say these things are so confidential.. the munches and so forth--but actually they just are not--in one sense. If someone else has nothing to lose, what do they care if they out you, who might lose everything? The likelihood of that happening is very low, but it's not fair to say that the other people are going to protect your secret because they have theirs.. it's not an equal footing with all you might encounter.
on the other hand, who are you going to piss off as a newbie, that they want this kind of nasty revenge: likely no one.

If you chose to go to educational type meets, you're a lot safer in that you could always have some ready reason for what you were doing there....depending on your age: one of my clients children.. close friend yatta yatta. has become involved in BDSM, I wanted to see what it's all about. If you think of something reasonably believable ahead of time, nothing will happen, you'll never have to use this excuse.. but it does give you this sense of ease that you're safe. Cause basically you really Are safe.

AFter time you'll be more comfortable. I let my photo go out last week to a lot of sites because of a huge exciting event that took place locally.. I was so proud of my pony, I didn't care who saw us. I really don't care anymore. But it took me years to get to this place that I don't need my ready excuse that I am writing an article. (I am a journalist) Now I am just me. Someday you'll get there too, but you have to quell the fear and take the first step. Going out to meet others is the First step. You'll learn so much, it will make is easier for you to use a site like this to find a good Domme. Guess where I found that pony? Here!

Hugs,
MsM

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