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RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 6/28/2010 2:08:32 PM

laurell3

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LA told a joke! Watch out, they didn't like mine

Said communication should probably happen to determine compatibility BEFORE playing.

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I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

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Post #: 21

RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 6/28/2010 3:16:56 PM

AQuietSimpleMan

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Okay so lets direct this thread into a different question.

What kind of lifestyle is this when someone asks a genuine question about if it's okay to be honest with a Dom?

This implies that they got the idea that the majority of Dom's DO NOT want this, or would be upset knowing this.

What is the image we give, by our words, by the threads we comment on that give people questionable views of this lifestyle?

I look at things in an interesting way, very few people I interact with on a personal level who are involved in this lifestyle are very down to earth, most of the time you would have no idea they were involved in this lifestyle, however the people I interact with on the internet present a lifestyle image that most of the time I find over the top.

Sometimes I have to admit that I think the majority of people discussing this lifestyle online are prone to over exageration and out right lying, I just wonder where this image comes from.

Now before the flame thrower comes, it should not be said that people don't live up to the suggestions made on these forums but It just seems that the consistency of day to day interaction is not consistent with that of those I meet in person.

QSM

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(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 22

RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 6/28/2010 3:33:40 PM

sunshinemiss

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To the OP:
I think the part that is getting lost in all this is "or is that topping from the bottom" which is the underlying question, the real question you have. Sounds like you want to do this "the right way" and want to be pleasing. That's pretty normal. Also, oftentimes new folks don't know what's ok to express when one is submissive. Heaven knows we all have talked about that a number of times! Being a submissive doesn't mean you don't get to express yourself, get your needs met, ask for something. It means submitting to the other person's decisions.

It's like a manager. The manager needs the information in order to make the decision. It's your job to give the information.

You'll figure it out. Be patient and have fun!
sunshine

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Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to AQuietSimpleMan)

Post #: 23

RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 6/28/2010 3:43:56 PM

girl41

Posts: 2
Joined: 11/26/2008
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Hello all, long time lurker, first time poster....

scslave, you need to be honest with yourself. You first say, "the hair on the back of my neck stood up, i had goosebumps throughout and felt thoroughly satiated at the conclusion. However, looking back (hindsight) i wanted Dom to be more aggressive and rougher - i dodnt even have marks the next day"

This is all about you and how you feel and what you want. Then you go on to say, "my main thing really is not just about me - i want him to know he can go further for his own pleasure and satisfaction too"

It is about you, it's all about you. If it weren't all about you, you wouldn't be worried about what he will do to/for YOU next time because you'd like it a certain way, rather you would be focusing on what you could do for him and how you could please him better.

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 24

RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 6/28/2010 3:49:03 PM

BonesFromAsh

Posts: 1362
Joined: 6/17/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AQuietSimpleMan

Okay so lets direct this thread into a different question.

What kind of lifestyle is this when someone asks a genuine question about if it's okay to be honest with a Dom?

This implies that they got the idea that the majority of Dom's DO NOT want this, or would be upset knowing this.

What is the image we give, by our words, by the threads we comment on that give people questionable views of this lifestyle?

Good question(s), I thought pretty much the same thing when I read the original post.

OP,

Communication works in all kinds of relationships...it's the foundation, imo.

(in reply to AQuietSimpleMan)

Post #: 25

RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 6/28/2010 3:55:35 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Big shock here, but I'm going to tell you exactly what I think.

The problem is that there's too much crap on the internet. The issue with this is it's almost impossible for somebody just starting out to know the good information from the bad. There are all of these people typing these things up (often contradictory) that it can be hard for somebody floating around through all of this stuff to know which version has the best basis in reality. That bad information honestly can have an influence and can make it more difficult to sort this stuff all out for a person. There's no real way for them to know that Person A on CM is basing what they are writing by having it reflect the way they live their life and Person B not having the life experiences to back the words up.

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(in reply to AQuietSimpleMan)

Post #: 26

RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 6/28/2010 4:54:35 PM

Jeffff

Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
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I think the net has opened this whole thing up to a lot more people than might otherwise have found it.

I think that is probably a good thing.

I also think there is more nonsense, pound for pound, found there than anywhere else. That is probably a bad thing.

To my mind it comes down to, if you are gonna act like a mindless ass, male or female, you are gonna get kicked around.

If you are not TOO stupid, you will survive and prosper. If not, you were probably doomed anyway.

If you leave your common sense at the door, what do you expect?

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(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 27

RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 6/28/2010 5:00:11 PM

Nineveh

Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: girl41

Hello all, long time lurker, first time poster....

scslave, you need to be honest with yourself. You first say, "the hair on the back of my neck stood up, i had goosebumps throughout and felt thoroughly satiated at the conclusion. However, looking back (hindsight) i wanted Dom to be more aggressive and rougher - i dodnt even have marks the next day"

This is all about you and how you feel and what you want. Then you go on to say, "my main thing really is not just about me - i want him to know he can go further for his own pleasure and satisfaction too"

It is about you, it's all about you. If it weren't all about you, you wouldn't be worried about what he will do to/for YOU next time because you'd like it a certain way, rather you would be focusing on what you could do for him and how you could please him better.

It is, and that is ok. Subs and slaves need to get the idea that they should be withholding their needs and desires from Doms out of their heads. If you are not telling us about your needs and desires you are keeping something from us that we need to be able to do what we do. Now there may be times that we are not going to fulfil your desires, and there may be times that we feel you have a need confused with a desire (and we may be wrong in those cases too, we're human beings after all) but that doesn't mean we don't want and need to know in the first place.

(in reply to girl41)

Post #: 28

RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 6/28/2010 5:39:29 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BonesFromAsh

quote:

ORIGINAL: AQuietSimpleMan

Okay so lets direct this thread into a different question.

What kind of lifestyle is this when someone asks a genuine question about if it's okay to be honest with a Dom?

This implies that they got the idea that the majority of Dom's DO NOT want this, or would be upset knowing this.

What is the image we give, by our words, by the threads we comment on that give people questionable views of this lifestyle?

Good question(s), I thought pretty much the same thing when I read the original post.

OP,

Communication works in all kinds of relationships...it's the foundation, imo.

Actually I can think of circumstances where it wouldn't be ok and I've certainly been in a few. For example, let's suppose against all odds that the person seeking a Dom was actually forthright, open, discriminating and thorough when discussing with said dom their needs and compatibility issues with regard to play for both people. The sub knows that this dom is compatible as far as intensity and desire to push limits, experience pain..whatever. The dom chooses not to take it that far on the first go around. In this example, saying to him I want more, may not be appropriate. It's pretty typically the situation I have been in. Honestly, it is very common for me walking into the first time that I KNOW that it's not going to be that intense because we've already discussed the necessity of learning each other first.

That's not to say that communication isn't always appropriate, and there aren't still many doms that would still want the question. In fact, I've never been in the situation where we didn't actually talk after about what happened and how it went. I do wait for him to ask the question rather than bringing it up if it's ever an issue.

The reason for the example is this. I don't think "topping from the bottom" is the issue at all. I almost never think that horribly overused and misunderstood phrase is applicable. I do think so many of these questions and situations we see can be avoided by really communicating with the person when you are meeting and getting to know each other and telling them openly of your needs and asking them what theirs are and listening. Instead we see people playing the stereotype game where bigbaddom isn't their partner, they're a myth and of course, they see them as unapproachable or even want it that way because they seek that myth.

It should be noted that that myth game is played on both sides, for all we know the dom in question doesn't like questions because he's playing that stereotype up as well. It certainly seems to be all too common in both roles.

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 6/28/2010 5:48:24 PM >

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to BonesFromAsh)

Post #: 29

RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 6/28/2010 6:26:06 PM

BonesFromAsh

Posts: 1362
Joined: 6/17/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

Actually I can think of circumstances where it wouldn't be ok and I've certainly been in a few. For example, let's suppose against all odds that the person seeking a Dom was actually forthright, open, discriminating and thorough when discussing with said dom their needs and compatibility issues with regard to play for both people. The sub knows that this dom is compatible as far as intensity and desire to push limits, experience pain..whatever. The dom chooses not to take it that far on the first go around. In this example, saying to him I want more, may not be appropriate. It's pretty typically the situation I have been in. Honestly, it is very common for me walking into the first time that I KNOW that it's not going to be that intense because we've already discussed the necessity of learning each other first.

Sorry for snipping down your post but I wanted to address the portion above and the bolded parts in particular.

Communication is the foundation. If the OP had done what you say in the bolded parts above, the foundation of understanding first time expectations would have been laid. I get the feeling it wasn't.

If a foundation of open communication had been laid, she would have been able to discuss her feelings around this first scene together with her partner/dom.

If she feels the line of communication isn't open enough to discuss this with him, then it would seem communication is something that needs to be addressed before worrying about anything else.

Going into a first time scene assuming that your partner is on the same page as you in regards to intensity or anything else, without talking about it first, leaves the door open for disappointment.

I know the word "communication" gets tossed around here like a hot potato but that's for a reason, imo.
I think you and I are saying the same thing. What I meant by underlining the word all was that this type of relationship, D/s or any other power exchange scenario, is really no different from a mainstream relationship in that you have to talk with your partner, get to know him/her and allow them the same with you in order for anything to work.

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 30

RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 6/28/2010 6:27:01 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
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Yep we're saying exactly the same thing!

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to BonesFromAsh)

Post #: 31

RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 6/29/2010 1:49:29 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

I would think and based from personal experience both with in and without BDSM/Kink, that one 1question should have been covered in the initial discussions is to ascertain just when and how it is appropriate to tell the Dominant something like you prefer things more intense. I will always tell a prospective slave of either gender, that I am very approachable and all they need do is ask if this is the right time. My reply will be either a resounding yes and lead her to a chair so we can sit and in a civilised manner sort the thing out or I'll tell him or her that they need to give me a few minutes whilst I complete what I am doing.

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(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 32

RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 7/1/2010 9:12:03 AM

zzz4xxx

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Joined: 7/1/2010
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You are confusing two different things. In reality you were satisfied at the time. Then looking back you compared your hope of what might come next with your memory of what happened. You wanted more aggression in the future. Just say that, but accept his pace and tone, regardless of what you may want. That is why it is called submission. Express your desire for rougher and harder. It lets him know your appetite is keen. You are making the mistake of thinking that you are supposed to influence his behavior by making requests. Don't do that. Just say how you feel. Report about your feelings and leave it to him to decide how he wants to use the information. He might decide to keep you hungry for a while. He might decide to overwhelm your senses. That is his business. And stop looking for some outside authority to back you up regarding what is considered correct. He is the source of what is considered correct, as far as you are concerned. You can choose to submit to him or not. If you do submit, then submit. Keep it simple.

The question of whether or not it is OK to be honest is a basic character issue that you should figure out for yourself as an adult human being. Integrity is a fundamental quality of character, that without which nothing much good can be expected of yourself or the lie that your life becomes without it.

< Message edited by zzz4xxx -- 7/1/2010 9:13:30 AM >

(in reply to scslave4Master)

Post #: 33

RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 7/1/2010 2:42:18 PM

DomTA

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Joined: 6/12/2010
Status: offline

If you removed the "Dom" from your question, and substituted any other word, such as boyfriend, husband, wife, mother, uncle, brother, sister, would you have to ask another that question?

I believe that there are 3 things that make any relationship better, more desirable, more fulfilling and last longer. They are communication, honesty and trust. Without communication, you have no way of getting to know each other, conveying feelings or finding out how someone is doing. If there is no communication you cannot be honest. Honest in what you want, they want, how you feel. Without either of those, communication and honesty, you cannot get to trust. If you cannot trust you will be dissapointed and frustrated.

(in reply to zzz4xxx)

Post #: 34

RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 7/2/2010 10:14:36 AM

LoveAndDS

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Joined: 11/19/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: scslave4Master

However, looking back (hindsight) i wanted Dom to be more aggressive and rougher - i dodnt even have marks the next day - realize this was only first session together and we are meeting again later this week.

Who the fuck cares if you got marked up or not!?! That is NOT the point of this lifestyle.

(in reply to scslave4Master)

Post #: 35

RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 7/2/2010 8:01:38 PM

Nineveh

Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LoveAndDS

quote:

ORIGINAL: scslave4Master

However, looking back (hindsight) i wanted Dom to be more aggressive and rougher - i dodnt even have marks the next day - realize this was only first session together and we are meeting again later this week.

Who the fuck cares if you got marked up or not!?! That is NOT the point of this lifestyle.

She cares, obviously, or she wouldn't have said so. Sure marks are far from the be all and end all, but they do add something. Something to remember the scene by, something to show off to the right friends. There's nothing wrong with enjoying marks.

(in reply to LoveAndDS)

Post #: 36

RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 7/3/2010 3:28:56 AM

delicatelydirty

Posts: 126
Joined: 2/7/2010
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LoveandDS who are you to say what is or isn't the point of this lifestyle .... If marks matter to her then they matter , to her they are part of the lifestyle .

I am the same I could never be happy with a Dom who didn't want to mark me ... no they aren't the be all and end all as Nineveh said but they are a definite *point* in my version of the lifestyle.

(in reply to Nineveh)

Post #: 37

RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 8/5/2010 10:05:52 PM

SirDarkside357

Posts: 393
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline

I expect, no, I demand that my girls be honest and up front with me. I'm not a mind reader. That being said, the way she informs me is very important. There is a right and a wrong way in telling me. No matter what she has to say, if she does it properly, even if it's something I won't like, it'll be ok.

(in reply to scslave4Master)

Post #: 38

RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 8/6/2010 1:44:52 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: zzz4xxx

You are confusing two different things. In reality you were satisfied at the time. Then looking back you compared your hope of what might come next with your memory of what happened. You wanted more aggression in the future. Just say that, but accept his pace and tone, regardless of what you may want. That is why it is called submission. Express your desire for rougher and harder. It lets him know your appetite is keen. You are making the mistake of thinking that you are supposed to influence his behavior by making requests. Don't do that. Just say how you feel. Report about your feelings and leave it to him to decide how he wants to use the information. He might decide to keep you hungry for a while. He might decide to overwhelm your senses. That is his business. And stop looking for some outside authority to back you up regarding what is considered correct. He is the source of what is considered correct, as far as you are concerned. You can choose to submit to him or not. If you do submit, then submit. Keep it simple.

The question of whether or not it is OK to be honest is a basic character issue that you should figure out for yourself as an adult human being. Integrity is a fundamental quality of character, that without which nothing much good can be expected of yourself or the lie that your life becomes without it.

excellent

(in reply to zzz4xxx)

Post #: 39

RE: Is it OK to be honest with Dom? - 8/6/2010 2:04:14 AM

wandersalone

Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Nineveh
She cares, obviously, or she wouldn't have said so. Sure marks are far from the be all and end all, but they do add something. Something to remember the scene by, something to show off to the right friends. There's nothing wrong with enjoying marks.

FYI the OP is a he

quote:

ORIGINAL: LoveAndDS

Who the fuck cares if you got marked up or not!?! That is NOT the point of this lifestyle.

My understanding is that just as there isn't an actual tangible "lifestyle" there is no one universally agreed upon "point" of bdsm If someone gets off on getting marks that is wonderful, if someone lives for being a bedroom submissive ...great, if a Mistress does nothing but CBT that is fantastic, they are each getting what they want out of their own lifestyle.

Getting all het up over a stranger who is open about their desire to get marked up seems kind of ..... different but each to their own

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(in reply to Nineveh)

Post #: 40

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