What does the Domme do for the sub? (Full Version)

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TeeGO -> What does the Domme do for the sub? (4/14/2006 11:50:01 PM)


This is a sincere question as opposed to the other thread that was not, but got some good answers in spite of that.

There is no denying sex is a driving force in all of us. A primal instinct. There are exceptions of course, but mostly Pro Dom's cater to the "do me" subs. Those looking for sexual release for all their fetish desires. They love the idea of submitting, but only on a fantasy level. Lifestyle Dom's look for service. The sub has the innate desire to submit, to serve. But this too is driven by the primal instinct, the sex drive.

I do not have the D/s relationship I want. Most male subs do not. But I consider myself fortunate that I do have a Mentor-Dom. It allows me to fulfill many of my needs.

But at my basic level I desire a full D/s relationship. It could be in a poly or monogamous relationship. I want to serve, I want to pamper, I want to make her my queen. But I also want her to Dominate me, to reduce me, to make me know deep within my soul that I am under her, beneath her. Pain, humiliation, suffering all to feed her sadistic desires. Sex would be important too. I've never been dominated sexually, and I do want that.

I know some have these type of things. Many don't and never will.

OK, I will confess. I'm...um...to be blunt, pretty drunk. It's not an often thing but it happens. So if I'm making no sense, there is the reason. Please forgive me. It happens.

Here's the thing. I think many subs are put off because many of the Doms come off sounding like all they care about is their wants and desires. And that happens because the Dom's are sick to death of the "do-me" type subs. What I'm looking for is balance. That and perhaps a way to bring peace and understanding. It is about mutual gratification. Subs love to serve, but there is more to it than that. So my question:

What is the Domme's responsibility to the sub to bring fulfillment to their life?



MsMacComb -> RE: What does the Domme do for the sub? (4/15/2006 12:48:32 AM)

Sexual Politics 101. :)
If one considers that politics is simply the way humans interact with others, negotiate, broker deals, salaries, marriage vows, finances, who drives which car and sexual positions and those details there really is no one size fits all answer. Many people get hung up on "reality" but whose reality? Bill Gates's reality is nothing like the reality of a child in the Sudan.
There are pro-dommes that cater to a wide variety of clients with (as you said) the "do-me" menu. There are also a lot of more private pro-dommes that offer and expect the reverse. There are some that do a variety of closer to "full sexual" acts and have a very small client base or perhaps in some cases "semi-pro-dommes" that exchange various favors for a good meal, a night on the town or a new car.
The above could also be said for wives, girlfriends, dommes at play parties.
My point is that whatever two (or more) people negotiate and desire is right for them. The dommes "responsibility" is whatever is mutually agreed upon. What you described above is somewhat the life my husband has. But thats only right for us. I enjoy administering corporal punishment in a domestic discipline theme, and cuckold my husband. I have a few girlfriends taht join in sometimes. I dislike and have nothing to do with leather, dungeons, Master's or Mistress's, no electric gadgets, no whips, no chains and nothing remotely 24/7. My husband worships me as a woman, a domme, and his wife. 50% of everything we do sexually is for his enjoyment as much as mine. Even when I sleep with my lover in front of him, punish and humiliate him and deny him an orgasm for 8 hours or until the next day its a mutual thrill and turn on. 
I think about half of (or more) everything "femdom" related on the web is fiction. You mentioned balance and a mutually rewarding experience/lifestyle. Forget what you read about and create your own "reality" in your everyday life. Some lucky woman whom has compatible desires will thank you for it.
Oh, and happy drinking. :)



ShiftedJewel -> RE: What does the Domme do for the sub? (4/15/2006 4:18:52 AM)

TeeGO, first let me say I'm very impressed! If I were drunk I couldn't type out my name.... let alone a whole sentence! And here you post paragraphs... coherent ones at that.

quote:

Here's the thing. I think many subs are put off because many of the Doms come off sounding like all they care about is their wants and desires. And that happens because the Dom's are sick to death of the "do-me" type subs. What I'm looking for is balance. That and perhaps a way to bring peace and understanding. It is about mutual gratification. Subs love to serve, but there is more to it than that. So my question:

What is the Domme's responsibility to the sub to bring fulfillment to their life?


My feelings on it are that it's my responsibility to give my/our sub/slaves (sorry, just couldn't think of another way to do that) an arena where they can be nurtured as both a person and a sub/slave... ok... that sounds like a pre-rehearsed line of bull shit if I ever heard one..  Let's try that again....
 
TeeGO... As a dominant, as a person, as a significant other or even as a close friend I feel that it is my responsibility to put forth some kind of sincere effort to help those around me feel fulfilled in their needs from me. I know that a lot of female dominants may come off sounding jaded and self-centered, and you're right, it's because of the wannabe's and to do-me's out there that seem to believe it's all about their fantasies. But in reality I believe that for the most part we all want the same thing. Personally, I want that emotional connection. Yes I want to rule the roost but I still want the roost to feel like home, to know that my sub/slave is happy, content, and fulfilled. I want someone that is dedicated to me and my happiness and in return I offer the same thing. I don't want anything from a submissive/slave that I am not willing to give in return (well, you know, except for the submitting part).

How could I possibly expect someone to dedicate themselves to me, to serve me, to be completely loyal to me and be willing to be the canvas where I practice my art of BDSM or sadism without seeing to it that they are happy and fulfilled? I don't want a single sided coin, I want both sides of it.
 
It's really early and I'm hoping this made sense.



Sahh -> RE: What does the Domme do for the sub? (4/15/2006 4:30:16 AM)

What does a Domme do for a sub? The Ds relationship is a relationship between a Dominant and a submissive. It's about surrender and the acceptance of control. When a Dominant and submissive enter scene, the Dominant creates the boundaries and controlled environment for the submissive to explore autoerotic fantasy in a safe way. A good Domme will intuitively understand the needs of a submissive and what triggers those autoerotic responses. She/He will respond to those needs.
In a Ds relationship the Dominant is responsible to bring the relationship to it's natural course. It is Her/His responsibility to mold, define, groom and develop the submissive. In a good relationship the upfront negotiation will explore limits and boundaries, what parts of life are to be controlled and those that are off limits, but from that point on it is Her's/His to guide. It is the Dominant's relationship.
It's a fine line, serving a submissive's needs. Responding to their every needy want. As a Dominant, you give too much into what the submissive needs, you start to walk away from what the submissive actually craves. I handle that by "reward". Thats how I respond to a submissiv'es needs without losing the control they so desperately crave. - Sahh



TeeGO -> RE: What does the Domme do for the sub? (4/15/2006 5:36:09 AM)

WOW-WOW-WOW!  I feared looking at this post this morning, not knowing if it made any sense.  Turns out not only was it somewhat coherent there are three GREAT responses.  Thank you.

ShiftedJewel thanks for the following.  You said it far better than I did.
quote:

ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel
I know that a lot of female dominants may come off sounding jaded and self-centered, and you're right, it's because of the wannabe's and to do-me's out there that seem to believe it's all about their fantasies. But in reality I believe that for the most part we all want the same thing.





WhiteRadiance -> RE: What does the Domme do for the sub? (4/15/2006 7:11:36 AM)

What does the Domme do for the sub?  Of course this is going to vary between individuals, as all relationships are unique.  
I want to be able to give my submissive what he needs.. because I know he will not stay, or want to please me, if he is not happy.  My happiness hinges on his being fulfilled.  He will not want to tend to my needs if I do not meet his needs. 
Of course, the key (for him) is making me happy so I will be inclined to reward him.  It is a dance... a symphony... He is no less important than I am.  In fact, I cannot be a Mistress without my submissive(s). 
 
What do we all need?  Understanding, honesty, security, affection,love....I know I want and need those things...and I that is what I give. 
 
Staci



Jasmyn -> RE: What does the Domme do for the sub? (4/15/2006 7:33:57 AM)

quote:

There is no denying sex is a driving force in all of us. A primal instinct. There are exceptions of course, but mostly Pro Dom's cater to the "do me" subs. Those looking for sexual release for all their fetish desires. They love the idea of submitting, but only on a fantasy level. Lifestyle Dom's look for service. The sub has the innate desire to submit, to serve. But this too is driven by the primal instinct, the sex drive.

I do not have the D/s relationship I want. Most male subs do not. But I consider myself fortunate that I do have a Mentor-Dom. It allows me to fulfill many of my needs.

But at my basic level I desire a full D/s relationship. It could be in a poly or monogamous relationship. I want to serve, I want to pamper, I want to make her my queen. But I also want her to Dominate me, to reduce me, to make me know deep within my soul that I am under her, beneath her. Pain, humiliation, suffering all to feed her sadistic desires. Sex would be important too. I've never been dominated sexually, and I do want that.

I know some have these type of things. Many don't and never will.

OK, I will confess. I'm...um...to be blunt, pretty drunk. It's not an often thing but it happens. So if I'm making no sense, there is the reason. Please forgive me. It happens.

Here's the thing. I think many subs are put off because many of the Doms come off sounding like all they care about is their wants and desires. And that happens because the Dom's are sick to death of the "do-me" type subs. What I'm looking for is balance. That and perhaps a way to bring peace and understanding. It is about mutual gratification. Subs love to serve, but there is more to it than that. So my question:

What is the Domme's responsibility to the sub to bring fulfillment to their life?

 
I don't think 'do me' type subs are entirely to blame.  If domination is in a woman's heart, in her soul, inherent in her nature, an instinctive desire to dominate the submissive will follow. 
 
Domination to me is a two way street.  It does not worry me that he harbours these fantasies... it is enough that I know... it is enough that if I wish I could use those fantasies against him ... it is enough that I can use them to tease and torment.. and it is enough for him to know his his place is a prized one in my world and to be thankful when these needs are indulged.  But to say he is a sub and should just make like a 'submissive' is ludicrous... he needs me to be 'dominant' to his 'submissive' ..and yes about balance...and I make no apology for who I am.  I dominate men... his needs do come secondary but they are never treated with indifference or disdain.
 



MistressLorelei -> RE: What does the Domme do for the sub? (4/15/2006 8:03:56 AM)

With all of the recent talk about  the wants and needs of the Domme, what has not been understood (at least in My point of view) is that I have a lot to give, I just would like to think that regardless of what "it" is I give, I want My submissive to be happy  with whatever "it" is.

Personally,  in a D/s relationship, I find Myself keeping a constant eye on making sure My submissive is mentally doing okay... If a relationship I am in (as a D/s one often does) is capable of altering his sense of self, then it is My responsibility to make sure he is not harmed.  The most time-consming, challenging things we do are not in the physical activities sought after by males, but in the non-tangible emotional things that many submissives may not even realize we do.

I do not have an outline I would follow with any sub, I need to learn the individual, know what will be right for him, and what could cause him harm, what he is ready for, what he isn't, how is being in chastity doing for him, etc.   The relationship is led by Me, I need to lead.  Not only am I deciding the day to day activities, but I am setting the course for him to follow, not only on his hands and knees, but in his mind also.

I give a lot of Myself in My relationships... and sure there is a lot of physical 'stuff', and lots of it is 'kinky' in nature, but if you took all of that away, the D/s relationship would still be fully intact. I love to be physically involved, and while I do a lot of work thinking about new ways to humiliate, or positions to try, or finding a new toy which might be fun... but My greatest challenge lies in the nurturing of the relationship, preserving the mental/physical well-being of My submissive, making sure we are both responding well to our situations, and  making sure that I am happy, is a good indicator that the relationship is working, as My submissive will be happy that he is succeeding, and seeing Me happy, will be his greatest reward.



thetammyjo -> RE: What does the Domme do for the sub? (4/15/2006 8:13:55 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiteRadiance

What does the Domme do for the sub? Of course this is going to vary between individuals, as all relationships are unique.
I want to be able to give my submissive what he needs.. because I know he will not stay, or want to please me, if he is not happy. My happiness hinges on his being fulfilled. He will not want to tend to my needs if I do not meet his needs.
Of course, the key (for him) is making me happy so I will be inclined to reward him. It is a dance... a symphony... He is no less important than I am. In fact, I cannot be a Mistress without my submissive(s).

What do we all need? Understanding, honesty, security, affection,love....I know I want and need those things...and I that is what I give.

Staci


This is a great response.

If someone is being submissive with me, I feel I must give them much more attention and many more directions. That is not something I could do 24/7 or even probably more than a day at a time.

Having a submissive would not be something I would value in a long-term relationship if it were a high level of submission.

Now with my slave I have several things that I have to give him. I have to be confident and state what I want and need; I had to train him so that he has guidelines in which to work. I also give him feedback and acknowledgement for the work he does whether its mowing the lawn, helping with dinner, or just watching tv with me. I don't need to tell him to do these things (he's not being submissive when he does them and does not need my directions) but I know he feels better when his work is noticed.

I think anyone would feel better when they know they have done well and its appreciated.

I also accept him for all of him -- furry, bisexual, switch, artist, scientist, moody, insecure, passionate, etc, all his positives and his negatives. I also expect him to work on the negatives and provide some support for when he's doing that hard work without excusing his behavior or acting like I can fix everything.

(but then by now it is rather clear that I use the terms submissive and slave and bottom quite differently from each other and from other people)




Misstoyou -> RE: What does the Domme do for the sub? (4/15/2006 8:30:00 AM)

You know, I have difficulty responding to this because a Domme is who I am, more than what I do. It's just the nature of my personality to be bossy, and controlling, and know exactly what I want and what to do to get it. Why that works for the submissives I have relationships with is in the end the mystery of why any two people "click" when the similar person nearby just doesn't quite do it.



MistressChloes -> RE: What does the Domme do for the sub? (4/15/2006 9:04:48 AM)

well.. teego....

I have the relationship you mention with at least one of My subs and perhaps in time with another couple of them.  (they are trying!)

I own him, dominate him, use him, use him to feed my own whims, desires, fantasies, and wickedishly creative mind.  He is permitted to serve Me lovenly and without limit, trusting Me in everything and every turn.  Knowing that I know the difference between hurt and harm, and that  I will never harm him. 

In time our relationship will progress to 24/7 and will eventually become poly as well.  To be a part of the poly relationship is not his desire but he will never question or say no to me.

Look at my profile journal and you will find MY definition of a slave.  He is that and derives pleasure from being just that. 

And although sex is a motivating factor for many, he is a different sort who is not  motivated by sex.  He is more motivated by my pleasure and I say that wholeheartedly and with total conviction.

The advice I have for you is keep searching.......if that is what you seek, it is out there somewhere.  I found him and he now has almost everything that he never thought he would have, 24.7 will complete that list.




FLsubmalecd -> RE: What does the Domme do for the sub? (4/15/2006 10:31:30 AM)

I just want to congradulate each and every Domme that responded to this thread. Also to our drunk friend that possed the question. lol
I have read things here that are exactly what it is I am looking for in a Domme. For me, it has to include a strong love bond. it is my desire, my need to serve and pleae my Mistress. That comes long before the sexual ful-filment for me. It has to start with mutual trust and respect as a two way street. I feel goo dthat I can see that in some of the Domms that responded. Thank you! There is hope!  
It is not all about sex. And the mental control she will have over me is VERY important.



MisPandora -> RE: What does the Domme do for the sub? (4/15/2006 11:05:53 AM)

Hopefully, you're not so drunk still that you can't follow this abstract thought pattern!

If he is truly focused on being pleasing to me and meeting my clearly-stated expectations (for instance, communicating as requested, being where he's supposed to be, being attentive, etc.), I am more than attentive to his desires.  Mind you, anyone that I'm partnered with already has very compatible and complimentary desires to my own, so in essence, I am doing as I please, and he is gaining some gratification out of it (and hopefully, my gratification.)  There may be times where he is placed in a situation that he does not enjoy, and those are the breaks for being mine.  I think that for each one of them, there is at least ten or more situations where his mind has been blown and he's blissfully happy with where he is beside me and at my feet.

I've conveniently left out the other "things" that I do for/about him on a daily basis, including communicating clearly, attending to his goals and ensuring that they are being met/fulfilled, paying mind to his career and family objectives, and being a patient, sensitive, flexible and caring partner who recognizes that fetish and BDSM are a part of a larger picture in both of our lives.  That seems to me to be a cornerstone of any relationship.



LaTigresse -> RE: What does the Domme do for the sub? (4/15/2006 11:07:39 AM)

I must say drunk or not this is truely one of the better discussions I have seen in the forums. I am not sure that I can contribute much of anything for two main reasons, one is that I am not the most experienced RT dominant woman on collarme and, two I am only interesting in this type of relationship with a submissive woman therefor the dynamics are perhaps very different. However, thru not a little trial and error I think the most important thing I can give the submissive I would have a relationship with is emotional security. For her to know that she is safe. Its important for me to be consistant and no matter what the experience or situation I will always provide a safety net for her. For her to be able to trust that I will never allow true harm to come to her. And I can promise that I will always continue to grow and learn. I can give her my love, my self control, and  a promise of honesty and honour in how I live my life.



Oumae -> RE: What does the Domme do for the sub? (4/15/2006 12:10:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TeeGO


What is the Domme's responsibility to the sub to bring fulfillment to their life?


For myself I see it as I have to be honest, realistic, strong, firm, caring, nurturing ( but not mothering), steady, trustworthy, demanding and giving.  I want to complete my sub and them to complete me, to compliment each other in the relationship we have.  To communicate with each other, to listen and hear what they are saying so to better make informed decisions for them with forethought.

I like a happy fulfilled sub.

Oumae



Lordandmaster -> RE: What does the Domme do for the sub? (4/15/2006 12:20:29 PM)

Wow!  Someone's a lucky motherfucker.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Oumae

For myself I see it as I have to be honest, realistic, strong, firm, caring, nurturing ( but not mothering), steady, trustworthy, demanding and giving.



HayaSierra -> RE: What does the Domme do for the sub? (4/15/2006 1:09:28 PM)

Greetings everyone,

Mostly I think it is that a Domme provides that what is needed most by the submissive or slave, with a few rewards and extra special treats thrown in for good behavior. For most the most basic needs are to be owned and controlled -- and to be permitted to serve. Make it personal, lasting and meaningful and it's a bonus. Help them overcome problems in their lives and grow as a person -- and improve their lives and lots and you are doing very good. You must not always be in love with a submissive, or even always friendly with them -- but being honest, taking responsibility and occasionally keeping their needs and even on occasion their wants in mind goes a long way.  At the end of the day if the submissive is content, happy or at least accepting of their place and generally happy with the relationship and still respecting of your authority you have done what you needed to do. And if you are creative and keep things exiting and interesting, it will have been more fun for all involved. So in a nutshell, mostly a Domme guides the sub, in some cases for play, in other cases in life.

Haya Sierra ---



Real0ne -> RE: What does the Domme do for the sub? (4/15/2006 1:13:28 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

Wow!  Someone's a lucky motherfucker.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Oumae

For myself I see it as I have to be honest, realistic, strong, firm, caring, nurturing ( but not mothering), steady, trustworthy, demanding and giving.



no kidding a "gold plated Domme", WTG Oumae!



Proprietrix -> RE: What does the Domme do for the sub? (4/15/2006 1:42:42 PM)

I want to respond to this question on so many different levels, that I'm having difficulty sorting them all out clearly enough to articulate....
Here's my best attempt...

quote:

There is no denying sex is a driving force in all of us. 
Not all. Most, but certainly not all.
 
quote:

The sub has the innate desire to submit, to serve. But this too is driven by the primal instinct, the sex drive.

I'm sure this is true for many, but it's simply not the case with me and mine. I cannot even wrap my head around the idea of submission founded on the primal instinct of sexuality. It makes almost as much sense to me as submission based on the primal instinct of feeding, or submission based on the primal instinct of seeking shelter from the elements. "I want to serve because I have a basic drive to ejaculate." or "I want to serve because I have a basic drive to eat." both make equal sense to me = none.
 
quote:

I think many subs are put off because many of the Doms come off sounding like all they care about is their wants and desires. And that happens because the Dom's are sick to death of the "do-me" type subs. What I'm looking for is balance. That and perhaps a way to bring peace and understanding. It is about mutual gratification. Subs love to serve, but there is more to it than that. So my question: What is the Domme's responsibility to the sub to bring fulfillment to their life?


This depends on the relationship.
I think the missing element here is that everyone wants "D/s" to fit neatly into their box of definitions. (This is especially true in Western civilization.)
It just can't happen that way. It's too broad a lifestyle.

There are some cases in which the Domme has ZERO responsibility of bringing any fulfillment whatsoever to any slave, ever.
        A Dominant in a Victorian household holds the responsibility of giving her maids and man-servants ways to serve her and maybe providing some slave's quarters. She may be married to a Dominant husband, and the two of them keep their sex life and amorous love between themselves. She is really not obligated to, and would probably laugh at (or more likely find offensive), the suggestion  that she has any kind of duty to monitor and contribute to the servants' sexuality. One of these servants coming to her and even hinting (much less describing in graphic detail!) that they wanted sexual satisfaction, would be improper at least, and probably grounds for dismissal from the household and their service to her.
         There are lifestyle cults (covens/communes/pick your preferred word) in which the Dominants fulfill one another's intimate, loving, relationship desires and the submissives and slaves dedicate their time to helping the Dominants be more able to do so (i.e. the slaves change the sheets, run the bath water, bring the food, etc..)
         There are submissives who hold one specialized talent (let's say cooking vegan food). They may fully derive fulfillment in life for all the bragging done on them for doing their talent so well. They cook at home for their Dominant. Their days are spent planning the next meal and grocery shopping and looking for bigger better ways of perfecting their talent. They are loaned out to lifestyle parties as the cook. They are told (by their Domme) to serve at the local community shelter, or to teach a cooking course at a save the animals seminar. They really feel a sense of satisfaction that they have a skill that is valued by so many and this is what makes them feel like they have a place and purpose in life. Their Dominant probably doesn't feel much (if any) need to also micromanage their sexuality.

           For me personally, I don't want any part of a submissive who needs me to take control of their sex drive. I want a man who has this particular aspect of himself under control. That might mean a eunuch. That might mean an asexual. That might mean an extremely low drive. That might mean that he can take the responsibility of going to the restroom and tending to his carnal pangs, the same as he would go to the refrigerator and tend to his hunger pangs.
          
          I'm really to that place where I'm "done" playing the game of "what does subbie get out of it". I was raised learning that what a submissive gets out of it is the opportunity to surrender their very being to their Dominant. What servants get out of it is the opportunity to serve. What slaves get out of it is the privilege of being owned. When I lived as a submissive, that's all I needed or wanted. I can't even imagine having looked at a potential power exchange relationship and having thought "What do I get in return?" When I moved to the place where I needed more than submission, I moved away from the title of submissive. (Far, far away.)

It could be the case that I feel this way because power exchange is all I've ever known. I don't come from a vanilla background in which I'm accustom to mutuality and balance and fairness and equality. Those are foreign concepts to me that hold no place in my relationships. I've never had a "vanilla" boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse, so I don't compare my power exchange relationships with vanilla concepts.

I think it also becomes blurry when we try to combine fetishism, kinky sex, and power exchange into one lifestyle. They are extremely different dynamics. Totally different. And sometimes totally opposing.  It amuses me to no end when I see a 1950s/Patriarchal/monogamous/Christian/Ms couple trying to find common ground with a hedonistic/sexual servitude/gay/leather fetish household. Yet, we still throw them all in one big "lifestyle" pot and expect them to have the same definitions and expectations, and be able to wander around and find compatible partners.

So, after tossing all these discombobulated thoughts around.... back to the original question....
quote:

What is the Domme's responsibility to the sub to bring fulfillment to their life? 

For ME personally and MY relationships, if they need more fulfillment to their life than total surrender, complete submission, and a feeling of being owned, they probably aren't the sub for me.



Contesaluv -> RE: What does the Domme do for the sub? (4/15/2006 2:07:37 PM)

Chances are that this is the question of a lifetime!  I'm glad I don't have to write out a full description of how I feel and view this question as Oumae has masterfully or Mistressfully, responded very much in the same way I would've responded.  The degree to which they serve is the degree with which I reward and/or punish.  It is hard finding the right balance in a D/s relationship.  I'm still looking and interviewing and know that it will come with time.  It is most important not to settle as you wouldn't/shouldn't in vanilla relationships.  Finding someone who you have so much in common with in BDSM and vanilla that you complete each other is the ultimate goal.  Will it ever be realized, we can only hope.  There are those few who've found it so the quest, for me and many others, continues.

Brightest Blessings and may the force be with you!...lol



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