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RE: What happens when you can never be enough? - 4/15/2006 4:46:45 PM   
puella


Posts: 2457
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		Hmmm... very good point.   Thanks!

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RE: What happens when you can never be enough? - 4/15/2006 5:02:12 PM   
enthralled


Posts: 249
Joined: 9/13/2005
From: Nashville, Tn
Status: offline 		 Youre welcome! 

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RE: What happens when you can never be enough? - 4/15/2006 5:30:15 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: puella

I have been reading some of the threads here and there are many, wonderful discussions going on about how you can improve your service, questions asking both fellow submissives and Dominants alike about what they like to do or have done to them to display devotion, service and owning, how to be a better submissive, how to delve deeper etc.

That made me wonder about a sort of 'opposite' (or perhaps even peril) of such devotion.  Can there be a point where you can, and perhaps must recognize that no matter how much you try, how much you give, or even how much you give up, that you, the person, the submissive, are not enough for the dominant you ache to serve?  If so, what takes you to that realization, and what on earth do you do if you have that realization?  (Obviously I am not trying to state that this is an inevitability in every D/s, M/s relationship, but rather what happens if that does surface.)

I look forward to an interesting discourse!


This is of course a fear which people not in the lifestyle have too. Often is brought on by either one person not being sufficiently sure of themselves and often too have low self esteem. (many young males have the sameproblem when faced with a delectible filly) and/or the dominant person is so demanding that JC himself could satisfy him. This too can happen when the submissive may be getting on in years and the Dom shows interest (even if he is a venerable old fart) in the lithe buxom forms of younger girls (who propably wouldn't know a fuck from a fart anyway). Unless the Dominant can recognise these fears and help reassure her that they are fondless, there is a long road with much sadness and  hurt.. This reminds be of an excelent book by an author whose name escapes my ahcient 1.5 brain cells at the moment but it is called "Women Who Love Too Much".

quote:

ORIGINAL: NakedGirlScout

"Not good enough" really just means "not right for each other" with a dollop of self-defeat on top. I always feel there is more I could do to be better, but feeling generally not good enough is a sign to stop and re-evaluate where that feeling is coming from and ask for help from my dom. If the whole relationship makes me not feel good enough over a long period of time, it is definitely time to go. Too bad that by that time you might feel "not good enough" for anyone else, either. 


I have to disagree with this NGS. I've had far too many clients who have been down that parth and it is simply a matter of one persone loving and wanting to everything for a partner who simply often doesn't see what is going on.... In over 80% of my clients we have made changes in their lives and ways of doing things as well as having quality time together resulting in the couple staying together..

I believe it is reasonable to say "I can never be good enough" IF you are aiming at perfection.. Of course you won't reach it but what does matter is that you'llimprove everything you do as youi strive.. That should be rewarded.... I'm a pretty confident cove, but I'll never be happy with things I do for I can see the flaws or mistakes.. I use that as a spur to do better next time.. 

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

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RE: What happens when you can never be enough? - 4/15/2006 6:30:55 PM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline 		What most people need to realize is that it is impossible to be everything to someone. We attain different things from each person that is in our lives. So technically, no you can never be enough.

We all need interests outside of our significant other. Stimulation from other factors of life. If you had no one else in your life but your spouse/Master/sub whatever, you are putting way to many demands on that person. Just the thought of someone depending that heavily on me makes me very tired.

When you start questioning and worrying that you are not enough for another, then you are going to slide down the hill of self prophecy and create your greatest fears. If someone is having doubts as to whether they are fullfilling the needs of their Dominant they need to discuss it with them. If there is something lacking see if there is something you can do to help fullfill it. find out if it is deep need that is not being met. Is it something you are metally, physcially, emotionally able to give Him or Her? If not are you willing to  support finding another that might be able to fullfill that need? It is at this point that a couple would discuss whether or not the relationship is able to continue, evolve or end.

i have found that if you can freely state your feelings, concerns and desires, then you don't go through the emotional tornado of what ifs. Self doubt is a nasty evil thing. The worst enemy you will ever find in your life is your imagination if left to stroll down the path of negativity.

Be confident that if you are enough in the areas that you need to be unless told other wise. Selfconfidence is a great thing and makes those around you feel that you know you working up to your potential and willing to work hard at being the best you can be for them.

someone needs to fire my typist *grins*

< Message edited by akisha -- 4/15/2006 7:28:14 PM >

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RE: What happens when you can never be enough? - 4/15/2006 6:58:13 PM   
scratchingpost


Posts: 231
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline 		First assess if the dominants expectations fo you are reasonable...not to say unchallenging or difficult but reasonable. If they are seek their guidence for support, If not as much as it hurts ask for release because if they are setting you up to fail and to ruin your self esteem and sefl confidence are they really that good for you to begin wtih?

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RE: What happens when you can never be enough? - 4/16/2006 7:45:56 AM   
subjected2006


Posts: 248
Joined: 1/20/2006
Status: offline 		As always Puella you use the exact words I would use..perfection of intention...yes..
always ,that is what I strive for..I am always so shocked when people judge my devotion to being "better" as a bad thing..I am not weak..I am not insecure..I know my worth..and I know I am always capeable of being better.If I did not,THEN I would see myself as unworthy to Master.If that time comes..I will no longer be His..No one ever said D/s was supposed to be easy...right?

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RE: What happens when you can never be enough? - 4/16/2006 8:46:25 AM   
subjected2006


Posts: 248
Joined: 1/20/2006
Status: offline 		I am compelled to add this..I know Master has other subs..slaves..my deep need to be better does not come from a fear of Him loving someone else..I know that He does.
It is near impossible to explain the security in my relationship with Master.
I know that I have a place.
How many of you feel that?
My sense of security comes from this.
That's another topic but it was brought up in the second or third post so I thought I could add this without the worry of being accused of hijacking Puella's thread.
Red


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RE: What happens when you can never be enough? - 4/16/2006 8:56:38 AM   
ownedgirlie


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Joined: 2/5/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: subjected2006

I am compelled to add this..I know Master has other subs..slaves..my deep need to be better does not come from a fear of Him loving someone else..I know that He does.
It is near impossible to explain the security in my relationship with Master.
I know that I have a place.
How many of you feel that?
My sense of security comes from this.
That's another topic but it was brought up in the second or third post so I thought I could add this without the worry of being accused of hijacking Puella's thread.
Red




Great post.  i may not be able to provide virtuallly everything my Master wants, but as long as i give him my all and my best, and continue to strive for betterment, he is quite happy with me.  If what i give him is not "enough" to satisfy all of his desires, he may seek another, or others, to compliment (not replace) my services.  Since he enjoys conducting more than one girl at once, and i can not physically split and/or clone myself, this does not make me "not enough" for him, it simply makes it impossible to meet all of his desires.  Again, as long as i push myself to do my best, and to work as hard as possible to please him, that is "enough" for him.

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RE: What happens when you can never be enough? - 4/16/2006 8:57:28 AM   
puella


Posts: 2457
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		Hahaha!  Hijack away, subjected, the best discourses often are a result of many meandering tangents winding their way back to home.

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RE: What happens when you can never be enough? - 4/16/2006 9:23:56 AM   
PhoenixLM


Posts: 79
Joined: 5/12/2005
From: Fort Wayne, Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: puella



That made me wonder about a sort of 'opposite' (or perhaps even peril) of such devotion.  Can there be a point where you can, and perhaps must recognize that no matter how much you try, how much you give, or even how much you give up, that you, the person, the submissive, are not enough for the dominant you ache to serve?  If so, what takes you to that realization, and what on earth do you do if you have that realization?  (



This does happen and it does not mean you are not a good fit or are wrong for each other, it simply means the one needs more than you can give. Within the last year this actually happened within my relationship with my Mistress, due to health issues I can no longer physically provide all the services she needs.

Her solution add more people to her house. My first gut reaction was to move on, but then I did not want to leave her service and she also did not wish me to leave. We worked out the dynamics and are still working them out. We are still searching for additional bodies, but I am ok with it. I'm not saying there are not times that the green eyed monster does not rear his head, he does. We talk about it and work it out, this solution is probably not right for everyone but so far it is working for us.

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House Ds Haven
http://dshaven.com

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RE: What happens when you can never be enough? - 4/16/2006 9:30:59 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		PhoenixLM, how refreshing to hear of people who chose to find a solution, rather than to abandon something cherished.  Kudos to you for working through the difficulties that no doubt came into play.

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RE: What happens when you can never be enough? - 4/16/2006 10:29:22 AM   
PhoenixLM


Posts: 79
Joined: 5/12/2005
From: Fort Wayne, Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

PhoenixLM, how refreshing to hear of people who chose to find a solution, rather than to abandon something cherished.  Kudos to you for working through the difficulties that no doubt came into play.


Thank you.

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House Ds Haven
http://dshaven.com

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RE: What happens when you can never be enough? - 4/16/2006 7:02:29 PM   
classykindasassy


Posts: 291
Joined: 12/13/2005
Status: offline 		Try this on:

It's not that you are "not enough". You are fine the way you are.

You are just not the one for him. You will be, for someone you can love and serve.

Too bad he cannot fully honor all your fine qualities.

Take care, dear lady. Be kind to yourself.

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"The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine." -The Indigo Girls

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RE: What happens when you can never be enough? - 4/16/2006 8:56:40 PM   
puella


Posts: 2457
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		There has been a lot of very positive feed back to this post, and I thank you all for it.   I found IronBear's post very interesting as he actually thought that there might be something to do about the  'not enough' problem.

"I have to disagree with this NGS. I've had far too many clients who have been down that parth and it is simply a matter of one persone loving and wanting to everything for a partner who simply often doesn't see what is going on.... In over 80% of my clients we have made changes in their lives and ways of doing things as well as having quality time together resulting in the couple staying together.."
 
What changes were made?  What changes on the part of the sub,  and what on the part of the Master?  How did this pairing of people come to the point where they knew to seek 'help' to make these changes?  Is this something the sub can do or work on on her own?

Thanks!


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RE: What happens when you can never be enough? - 4/16/2006 9:09:17 PM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		To much is not enough. If it ever does, then things get boring.

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RE: What happens when you can never be enough? - 4/16/2006 9:12:42 PM   
puella


Posts: 2457
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		Could you flesh that thought out a bit more?  I am not sure I fully understood what you were trying to say.

Thanks!

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RE: What happens when you can never be enough? - 4/17/2006 6:14:22 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		My local partner used to worry about being "enough" all the time and it still nags at him.  Is he smart enough?  Is he entertaining enough?  Can he be intense enough for what I like?  etc etc etc

Most times it's fine- I go over the situation with him, I explain that if I felt that way, I'd be honest with him, I explain that I don't have those worries and this neither should he, I go over his good points and we move on.

On the days when I've had a rough time and am not up for it- I snap at him and ask how long it's going to take him to trust what I have consistently shown him.  And then we talk it over again.

Time and experience is really the only solution I can see to this issue for us.  Eventually he will have full confidence in himself and our relationship together.  I'm not going to try and convince him every other day, but when his worries reach a peak, I help to settle him.

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RE: What happens when you can never be enough? - 4/17/2006 7:58:48 AM   
subjected2006


Posts: 248
Joined: 1/20/2006
Status: offline 		hmmm..what changes could be made?
I can think of some personal changes..cultivating patience is a major one for myself.
Being sure that I am aware of current issues that  may  affect Master.
There are the given ones..diet, exercise and grooming.
And if you think about this ,,not one route to being "better" is an unhealthy one.
It is amusing the way some "learned " people assume that there are no valid reasons for a sub to believe she isnt up to snuff..nonsense..the unhealthiness will be if someone does not try to be better.
The first self help book I ever read was I'm Okay,Youre Okay...and since then I took a year of  Psychology..raised three kids..and have maintained a 22 year relationship without being married....and  last ,not least..a nine month relationship with Master.
I am a toy..but I am a well rounded toy..and not talking bout my breasts here..I believe I have a valid reason to feel that needing to better yourself is healthy..and some life experiences to back my opinions up.

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RE: What happens when you can never be enough? - 4/17/2006 11:39:21 AM   
Tapestry


Posts: 226
Joined: 10/29/2005
Status: offline 		Well, this may throw a monkey-wrench in the thread, but I'm donating my 2 cents anyway

I have found in relationships, whether vanilla or lifestyle, that when I've felt that I wasn't "enough" it wasn't actually about me!  Yes it appears as insecurity on the part of the one who feels inadequate, but final analysis showed that it was due to the low self-esteem and insecurity of the other member of the relationship.

When my partner is unable to accept their own worth and value, they are also unable to accept my love and devotion.

May I share an example?

A former sister in law was just such a person, and in talking with my brother about the situation he had this to share:

"She is the type of person who desires membership into the most exclusive social club that exists.  And she will make all the right friends, do all the right things, and work hard to gain acceptance.  And once the members of the club have agreed that she is suitable to be one of them, and they invite her to join, she will no longer be interested in being a member.  Why?  Because clearly, any group that would have HER as a member is not as good a group as they first appeared."

My brother wasn't "enough" for her, but it wasn't because he was lacking, it was her perception that she herself wasn't good enough, nor worthy enough of his love, and if he loved her, he obviously wasn't as wonderful as she first thought!

He could not change her, nor make her accept her value as a person.  Only she could do that.  Just as none of us can tell another they are worthy and of value, each person must come to that realization on their own.  In the interim, our words of assurance are as clanging bells falling on deaf ears.

_____________________________

Tapestry

Daddy's Little Girl

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away."

www.tapestry41.blogspot.com

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RE: What happens when you can never be enough? - 4/17/2006 12:53:31 PM   
Dustyn


Posts: 1044
Joined: 4/5/2006
Status: offline 		Have you ever looked at someone and felt that you could trust them with your life, but all they wanted was your ass being hit by a door on the way out?

Have you ever wondered why someone you treasure wouldn't want that of you?

I know I have.  It's a trusting of another's character so completely that the thought fo them hurting you is inconceivable, even to a Sicilian when death is on the line. LOL  It's not a matter of being enough, in my mind, but giving them what they ask for, and if I can't give them that, then I can't, pure and simple.  Sometimes I want to give people things that I think they need, but what they need is something almost diametrically opposite.

What you should do, and this is only my opinion so take it with a shaker of salt and a lime, is just ask the other person what they are looking for in the general terms, and just go from there.  Most relationships morph repeatedly anyway, so don't sweat the small stuff.  Just remember that most everything is small stuff.


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Murderer?! Murderer! Let me tell you something about murder. It's fun; it's easy; you gonna learn ALL about it. - Tin Tin

Can you be more amusing?

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