What are your expectations of your first meeting with a Dom/Domme?

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What are your expectations of your first meeting with a... - 4/15/2006 6:30:46 PM

Contesaluv

Posts: 173
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

Okay, here's one for the subs/slaves of this site!

I've now met a few subs, in person on a one-on-one basis in public for a first meet. I've sent them via email, my expectations prior to the meeting so that they are clear on what I'm expecting. This will also give them a clue on how I will be making my decision as to whether to proceed or not.

However, I've wondered what are they expecting this first meeting to be like for them? Are they mostly trying to impress? Or, are they also trying to assess?

So, give me a hint of what a sub/slave would be looking to find out from a first meet. What are their assessment criteria as to whether this is the Domme for them or not? I know each individual will have different things they're looking for but just wanted to get an idea what runs through your heads. It might help several of us here on CM.

_____________________________

Mistress C.

It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.
William Shakespeare
------------------------
In a world of so many variables, why do you have to be the norm? Anonymous

Post #: 1

RE: What are your expectations of your first meeting wi... - 4/15/2006 6:39:59 PM

Tikkiee

Posts: 1099
Joined: 4/6/2006
Status: offline

Well, even though I am not looking for that which you specify, Chris and I often do meet with others who are interested in play only. However, our meetings are never planned with a single 'expectation' in mind. We go to eat, drink, talk, and generally have a good time with another. If it leads to another meeting, all the better. If not, then that's fine also.
Even though I have never gone to meet a prospective play partner by myself, I also have never felt the need to try and be anything other than what I am. I do not go out of my way to try and impress; nor do I go with the intention of 'assessing' their possibilities.
We go to have fun, meet someone interesting, and if we are lucky; we have made a friend in the process

_____________________________

~~@ cass @~~

(in reply to Contesaluv)

Post #: 2

RE: What are your expectations of your first meeting wi... - 4/15/2006 6:50:55 PM

enthralled

Posts: 249
Joined: 9/13/2005
From: Nashville, Tn
Status: offline

I generally prefer my 'first meets' to be basically 'nilla'. I won't put a lot of emotional time nor energy into online rather I try to meet as soon as possible since it is not all that uncommon to 'clique' online, then it bomb out in person. I try not to put too many expectations on either of us.
The main things I look for when meeting are quite vanilla. . . hidden guns, knives, old rags with ether on 'em . . . . after that, just listening to my gut and whether I'm compelled by the person.

Respectfully,
enthralled

_____________________________

A man never discloses his own character so clearly as when he describes another's.-Jean Paul Richter

(in reply to Contesaluv)

Post #: 3

RE: What are your expectations of your first meeting wi... - 4/15/2006 6:54:38 PM

starymists

Posts: 139
Joined: 2/1/2006
Status: offline

For my first meeting, there are a number of things that I look at. Some are intangible, such as chemistry or attraction. I'm not so much into looks, but there has to be that spark of attraction. Some of that spark is intellectual, and some is compatibility, but some of it is just plain attraction. I also look at a number of tangible things. *For the purposes of saving some typing, I'm going to use male pronouns just cuz I tend to look for male Dominants* I look at how he conducts himself in public, how he treats the people that wait on us *I tend to use a local restaurant where I know people*. I look at his manners. Is he arrogant? or Courteous? Does he appreciate his service or take it as his right? Is he overly critical? Does he have patience if a mistake is made?

I also look at his interpersonal skills. Can he hold a conversation? Do we have the same interests? Does he have a sense of humor? Does the conversation always get steered back to him and his interests, or does simply handle what comes up in conversation? Or my favorite yet, is the entire dinner conversation about sex? Does what he says match with what he does? Do I get the sense that he is being honest with me, or am I seeing things that suggest he's not telling the truth *i.e. does he look into my eyes when he answers a question, or does he look over my shoulder. Does he spend the entire meal staring at my chest? Or staring at other women?

For me, I tend to think that there are a lot of areas that one can skew impressions. I also tend to think that the things listed above tell me an awful lot about how he lives his life, his philosophies, and how he will treat me and my service if I decide to move forward.

(in reply to Contesaluv)

Post #: 4

RE: What are your expectations of your first meeting wi... - 4/15/2006 7:04:06 PM

akisha

Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline

i think a first meeting is to both impress and assess really. But like any other meeting, be it a blind date, meeting a Dom or another sub or even a job intereview. i always present myself for who i am. it's easy to pretend to be what the other person wants for a short time, but life is too short to play games. i have a "take me as i am" philosophy. there are always things that can be worked on, but if the base personalities don't mesh, why waste the time in pretending they do?

i like me, i know who i am, and to worry overly much if a person i'm meeting for the first time agrees or not is silly. yes i want them to like me and see the good qualities in me, but just because they don't doesn't mean i'll be devestated or spend the next week wondering why *grins* To each their own.

When meeting a Dom for the first time, i will accomidate requests as long as they are not out in left field. Like wearing a skirt instead of jeans, etc. But i'd probably object to being told to kneel before Him in the middle Starbucks *grins*

edited to fight off the typo faeries *sighs*

< Message edited by akisha -- 4/15/2006 7:10:04 PM >

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(in reply to enthralled)

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RE: What are your expectations of your first meeting wi... - 4/15/2006 7:06:20 PM

Contesaluv

Posts: 173
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

Interesting response and very similar to what I look for in a sub with some slight variances since I am trying to assess whether he's real in his desire to serve and the like. I also want to know if his offline personality matches his online personality.

Also, I want to meet them in this vanilla way because we will be socializing in public more often then not and I need to know that he's got a balanced outlook on his submission and that I won't have to teach him the distinction between the vanilla world and how to act in it as opposed to when we're socializing with BDSM individuals/groups.

Great responses thus far! Very enlightening.

Just one more thing starymists, thanks for reminding me that I need glasses...lol...that font you picked was definitely eye-opening. Next time have pity on those of us who refuse to get glasses or contacts...lol

_____________________________

Mistress C.

It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.
William Shakespeare
------------------------
In a world of so many variables, why do you have to be the norm? Anonymous

(in reply to starymists)

Post #: 6

RE: What are your expectations of your first meeting wi... - 4/15/2006 7:10:01 PM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline

A first meeting should be vanilla, no dominance, no submission. My expectation is only that we will discover if there is enough mutual interest to proceed. Yes, I assess the other person. Can he carry on an interesting conversation? Does he have a sense of humor? Does he understand the rudiments of hygiene and good manners? Does he ask good questions? Does he listen to my answers?
I would hope that he is assessing me in the same manner.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to Contesaluv)

Post #: 7

RE: What are your expectations of your first meeting wi... - 4/15/2006 8:35:22 PM

starymists

Posts: 139
Joined: 2/1/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Contesaluv
Just one more thing starymists, thanks for reminding me that I need glasses...lol...that font you picked was definitely eye-opening. Next time have pity on those of us who refuse to get glasses or contacts...lol

Please accept my appologies on the font size. The Domly One in my life has been using my laptop for the past several days and managed to resize everything I see, so in the window I was typing in, everything was HUGE!!! Unfortunately, once posted, it returned to normal size.

(in reply to Contesaluv)

Post #: 8

RE: What are your expectations of your first meeting wi... - 4/15/2006 9:03:26 PM

cillydom

Posts: 332
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

My first meet i want then to come as who they are, I make no sugestions or demands.

That way i can see who and what they are or at least begin to see that.

That's what i want to know.

(in reply to Contesaluv)

Post #: 9

RE: What are your expectations of your first meeting wi... - 4/15/2006 9:45:10 PM

TrainMeSir

Posts: 14
Joined: 4/7/2006
Status: offline

May I add to this, since in the next week or so I am going to meet a Dom for the first time (ever!) I'm very new here, yet at 43, I'm not new at life. An earlier post asked was it possible for a submissive to be demanding in their profile. I think it is imperative, though of course, demurely done.

I am meeting this man as a friend, for the time being, although one i look to for guidance, and placing a great deal of trust in his friendship FIRST. And yes, he has earned my trust.

When I give myself, I will be giving. I'm not being at all disrespectful, I just feel this is the truth....about all of us. Until that time, we are very much in control of us.

So a first meeting.....should be vanilla, as said. It should be honest, with no fear af being ourselves on either side. Of course we all try to impress, that's human nature. And the assessment is inevitable, from both sides.

But in my mind, a very bland, "here is the vanilla me" attitude should prevail.

OK, I'll hush now.

(in reply to cillydom)

Post #: 10

RE: What are your expectations of your first meeting wi... - 4/16/2006 2:07:29 AM

champagnewishes

Posts: 1310
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Orange County
Status: offline

On a first meet, i like to keep it simple. "Here i am...you'll either like me or not...no biggie". And i adopt the same attitude towards Him. A little prep work is nice...simply an indication that you are excited to meet them and worth that "better day" appearance...yet sometimes a Starbucks meet can mean my favorite pair of tennis shoes.

I recently met up with someone i had been conversing with for 6 months. Yes i knew what he would have loved to see me in...and had i felt like wearing it that day, i might have. But instead he saw me in what i felt like wearing. Now for a second meet where there will be an overnight stay involved, most definately he will see me in that outfit...

This will be worth pulling out the big guns for. The ground work has already been layed.

_____________________________

Nirvana cannot be described, it is only understood truly by a person who has experienced it.

(in reply to TrainMeSir)

Post #: 11

RE: What are your expectations of your first meeting wi... - 4/16/2006 11:18:00 AM

CAROLF

Posts: 56
Joined: 1/29/2006
Status: offline

This is a great topic. Being fairly new myself i sure could have used this a few months ago.. i met several Doms, most who wanted to "inspect" me the first meet, ummm, i think not lol. Recently tho, i was lucky enough to meet a Dom, and there were FIREWORKS!! yes, things happened the first meeting, and continue to happen :) ahhh, when it's right, it's right. and there is truly no explanation for it. i'm very lucky. It just has to be right, and both will know.

(in reply to champagnewishes)

Post #: 12

RE: What are your expectations of your first meeting wi... - 4/16/2006 2:39:59 PM

WorshippingYou1

Posts: 23
Joined: 1/21/2006
Status: offline

I agree with the posting indicating the need to both impress and assess. More and more though I am doing more of the latter than the former. I am finding that it is much better to be who I really am (it would come out anyhow) and I need to know who she really is. Because chemistry comes easier than compatibility and is more ephemeral.

(in reply to CAROLF)

Post #: 13

RE: What are your expectations of your first meeting wi... - 4/16/2006 3:16:53 PM

dave1212

Posts: 158
Joined: 1/2/2006
From: Lancashire UK
Status: offline

Well i think a first meet should be "nilla" style which would of course ease the nervousness of both parties involved..
Obviously both parties will have been communicating via e-mail and such and will be aware of each other's expectation's and requirement's etc etc..
But i would personally look upon a first meet to impress (obviously) but also to try and find out such thing's as compatibility,personality,sense of humour and an ability to talk and listen, which i suppose sound's a bit "nilla" but if you cannot get along on a day to day personal level then i don't think it will work on a deeper bdsm level..
I would not however expect to learn everything on a first meet but if that first meet was a success and we managed to get along and agree some of the "basics" of the intended dynamic it would be a good start..

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(in reply to Contesaluv)

Post #: 14

RE: What are your expectations of your first meeting wi... - 4/16/2006 6:19:27 PM

kiale

Posts: 23
Joined: 12/11/2005
Status: offline

This is rough because I've recently done several coffee dates and lunches. In my own head there's some magic formula for how long I'm 'supposed' to see someone and keep it vanilla, or at least to more than verbal teasing, before things proceed to the bedroom (or dungeon as it may be).

I'm thinking it's somewhere between 3 and 4 vanillish encounters, be that coffee, dinner, lunch, browsing a bookstore together and talking authors, etc.

But more to topic. First trip out. Look nice but not knock out gorgous--have to give them something to look forward to, right? *chuckles* Men should dress cleanly if casually. Offering to pick up the check if you're feeling generous, getting doors, or other courtesies that don't happen nearly often enough in Northern Virginia will get my attention. This is probably true in other metropolitan areas where 'common courtesy' has gone out the window. I'm from a slightly more southern part of Virginia--even Fredericksburg, men hold doors--not Fairfax, let me tell yah. Not rushing to talk about kink the first trip out--actually I'm usually pretty darn turned off if kink gets brought up the first trip out. Ask about anything else, really--art, movies, life, jobs, dreams, education...get to know me the person before you narrow in on if I prefer quirts or floggers.

As someone who DOES have my full attention at the moment recently said...."I want to get inside your head long before I get inside your pants." *laughs* Blunt, but appricated.

< Message edited by kiale -- 4/16/2006 6:21:08 PM >

(in reply to dave1212)

Post #: 15

RE: What are your expectations of your first meeting wi... - 4/16/2006 8:52:31 PM

slavekal

Posts: 1486
Joined: 7/20/2004
Status: offline

When meeting a new Mistress, I am definitely trying to impress. But I am assessing her at the same time. How does she speak, move, eat, etc. Does she "seem" really dominant, or is she just unpleasant? Are her requirements things that I can meet? Does she have any requirements, or is she just flailing about without direction? It all comes down to campatability. Are we a good match?

(in reply to Contesaluv)

Post #: 16

RE: What are your expectations of your first meeting wi... - 4/17/2006 5:59:02 AM

cheekysmile

Posts: 44
Joined: 4/10/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Contesaluv

I've sent them via email, my expectations prior to the meeting so that they are clear on what I'm expecting. This will also give them a clue on how I will be making my decision as to whether to proceed or not.

with utmost respect Sir, if i was given an 'email of expectations' for the future meeting.... honestly id laff and throw it in the bin, and go as i am and not try to be the person You are wanting.... in a way i will be more inclined to dress the complete opposite to Your expectations, just to show how silly this is.

Sir, dont get me wrong im not the kind of person who is deliberatly out to cause a rift, but isnt there many people out there who are not who they seem to be in real life,?? ....with the email its almost saying Im not gonna be interested in you untill you dress this way and/or act another way..... im sorry if this will offend A/anyone.

i agree with some off the posts above that the first meeting should be a 'nilla' affair, in a very open place, honesty is a must in any relationship, even at the end of it you both leave as friends, it takes just two seconds to comunicate the outcome.

i have had many first time meetings and tuff if ya dont like me at the first meeting.....not everyone likes me ...i respect that....but dont try to get me to be someone im not.

when i meet for the first time my first attention is cleanliness, and then attitude, followed closely by humour.... see the D/s lifestyle isnt just about sex and how you do this, this lifestyle runs on the servitude of the submissive/slave and there Dominants, if sex comes into it then thats a bonus

cheekysmile

(in reply to Contesaluv)

Post #: 17

RE: What are your expectations of your first meeting wi... - 4/17/2006 7:40:14 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Contesaluv
However, I've wondered what are they expecting this first meeting to be like for them? Are they mostly trying to impress? Or, are they also trying to assess?

And you're not asking the people you're meeting this why?

It completely depends on the person/situation. It could be anything from just hanging out at a munch and talking to full on play and sex.

So, give me a hint of what a sub/slave would be looking to find out from a first meet. What are their assessment criteria as to whether this is the Domme for them or not? I know each individual will have different things they're looking for but just wanted to get an idea what runs through your heads. It might help several of us here on CM.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Contesaluv)

Post #: 18

RE: What are your expectations of your first meeting wi... - 4/17/2006 7:25:24 PM

Vancouver_cinful

Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: catize

A first meeting should be vanilla, no dominance, no submission. My expectation is only that we will discover if there is enough mutual interest to proceed. Yes, I assess the other person. Can he carry on an interesting conversation? Does he have a sense of humor? Does he understand the rudiments of hygiene and good manners? Does he ask good questions? Does he listen to my answers?
I would hope that he is assessing me in the same manner.

The only thing I'd add to this excellent response is that I watch how he responds to people around us. If he is impatient or rude with a server, or a child at the next table, he's lost me.

I don't care how hard he tries to impress me, if he isn't genuinely a kind, patient person with the rest of the world, he is definitely not someone I will ever trust to be kind and patient with me.

One more good reason for meeting in public.

Cin

_____________________________

Cin

quote:

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(in reply to catize)

Post #: 19

RE: What are your expectations of your first meeting wi... - 4/18/2006 8:06:09 AM

twicehappy

Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cheekysmile

i agree with some off the posts above that the first meeting should be a 'nilla' affair, in a very open place, honesty is a must in any relationship, even at the end of it you both leave as friends, it takes just two seconds to comunicate the outcome.
cheekysmile

Very well and plainly stated. Too many people worry 1st about the kink aspect of starting a D/s relationship. What about the rest of the time? Matching vanilla tastes is extremely important. With few exceptions nobody lives in leather and chains all the time. How will you relate to each other the other hours of the day?

quote:

i have had many first time meetings and tuff if ya dont like me at the first meeting.....not everyone likes me ...i respect that....but dont try to get me to be someone im not.

Great attitude, i do understand Doms aiming for some sign of submission at the very beginning but i think too many display that " i am a Master/Mistress and you are a sub/slave" attitude too quickly. True i will always show respect but until i am in your collar i am not your slave.
In the same vein i think many sub/slaves are over anxious to please from that 1st meeting, this can result in both parties trying to fit that mold of "perfect Dom or sub. Take the time to know one another as people first.

quote:

when i meet for the first time my first attention is cleanliness, and then attitude, followed closely by humour.... see the D/s lifestyle isnt just about sex and how you do this, this lifestyle runs on the servitude of the submissive/slave and there Dominants, if sex comes into it then thats a bonus

What you are stating here is very true for those seeking a long term relationship. If this is the purpose of the proposed meeting then yes, it should be as discussed above.

On the other hand if both parties are simply looking for the occasional play partner then i find it perfectly acceptable for the prospective sub/slave to be ordered to dress a certain way. At that point it becomes a simple test of the sub/slaves willingness to obey. It also allows the prospective Dom/Domme to view their physical characteristics and decide if they find the sub/slave suitable and to their liking.

Congratulations on your 1st post and welcome to the boards.

< Message edited by twicehappy -- 4/18/2006 8:07:34 AM >

_____________________________

Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to cheekysmile)

Post #: 20

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