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i need help classifying myself - 4/16/2006 5:39:22 AM

DOMofURdreams

Posts: 5
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline

semi-new to this type of lifestyle, brand new to this board and i have a question....i understand that the term BDSM means...and someone has graciously explained and clarified somethings but,...i want to pose to the general readership the following question.

how would you classify the following individual?

i am dominnant, in the sense that i love control and all aspects of asserting my will onto another. i am into bondage, mild aspects of pain infliction (spanking, nipple torture, etc..), i do seef full blown sexual encounters (oral service, vagainal penetration, etc), and i expect my sub to (eventually) serve and satisfy others of my chosing (male/female/boith) in the same way.

i have read and had it stated to me that BDSM is not about sex. I am not sure i agree with that--i dont see how i can assert total control over someone if she isn't going to submit to me sexually. Also, i have heard the the BDSM community frowns on "swingers"--i dont consider myself one although i have had some experiences (mfm/mfmf) but again, if someone is going to submit, then i expect them to entertain all of my ideas.

I know this question may seem obvious and simplistic to some of you but please bear with me. As someone new to this, sometime it can seem confusing. All i want is some clarification--the last thing i want is to waste anyone's time or effort. thanks in advance

Post #: 1

RE: i need help classifying myself - 4/16/2006 5:43:13 AM

heartfeltsub

Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline

Hello,

To try to answer your question, please allow me to ask a couple of questions if i may. Do you like inflicting pain, or causing tears? Do you like it when the person you are playing with is afraid or do you prefer producing sensation without real pain or fear? If that is the case, it seems to me that you would be a sensual Dom. Hope that helps.

(in reply to DOMofURdreams)

Post #: 2

RE: i need help classifying myself - 4/16/2006 5:46:17 AM

ScooterTrash

Posts: 1407
Joined: 1/24/2005
From: Indiana
Status: offline

Your question is going to get you a vast array of comments/suggestions, but since you are relatively new, I would suggest just classifying yourself a Top, with little or no experience and ride it out from there. All I would ask is that you be honest and get involved in your local BDSM community, if you have one. Getting started is tough, but any experience you can gain along the way will help you clarify who and what you are.

_____________________________

Formal symbolic representation of qualitative entities is doomed to its rightful place of minor significance in a world where flowers and beautiful women abound.
-Albert Einstein

(in reply to DOMofURdreams)

Post #: 3

RE: i need help classifying myself - 4/16/2006 5:53:29 AM

sharainks

Posts: 499
Joined: 12/13/2004
Status: offline

If you are fairly new why worry about putting yourself in a slot? If its for the purpose of an ad, yes you will need to find a slot. However, on a personal basis give yourself some time to think about what it is you want from this.

In the "community" which usually means the munch group crowd there is a lot of pressure to identify and also to go along with the herd. There is a lot to be learned in that setting but in terms of how you form your own relationships or your desires about what you want in them its no one's business but yours.

You will hear much said about bdsm not being about sex, not being about love, and being anti-swinger but if those are things you want in your relationship don't let others sell you their version.

(in reply to ScooterTrash)

Post #: 4

RE: i need help classifying myself - 4/16/2006 6:17:20 AM

Jasmyn

Posts: 1234
Joined: 2/6/2004
From: New Zealand
Status: offline

Sharainks, Scooter, nicely put, welcome to the boards D.

_____________________________

quote:

"To learn the art of submission a slave must first give up the desires that drew him to submission in the first place." Mistress Jasmyn Jan 2005.

Visit My Website

(in reply to DOMofURdreams)

Post #: 5

RE: i need help classifying myself - 4/16/2006 7:48:57 AM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

BDSM can indeed be about sex, if that's what you and yours choose. No ifs, ands, or buts lol.

Worry less about classifications and more about knowing yourself, though it sounds as if your off to a good start in that regard. Learn from others, but keep in mind that it'll be you and yours making the choices ultimately, and we all have our own ways of doing things.

You crave control of another, both in and out of the bedroom? Sounds like dominant to me.

Level

(in reply to Jasmyn)

Post #: 6

RE: i need help classifying myself - 4/16/2006 7:50:22 AM

Tikkiee

Posts: 1099
Joined: 4/6/2006
Status: offline

I would have to agree with Scootertrash. Why not start with just saying that you are a Top, and go from there?

_____________________________

~~@ cass @~~

(in reply to DOMofURdreams)

Post #: 7

RE: i need help classifying myself - 4/16/2006 7:51:29 AM

CrappyDom

Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

Dear Dreams,

Your a Dominant, plain and simple, a new one but your desire to control wins you a brand spanking new plastic Dom badge.

That whole think about BDSM not being about sex has always baffled me too, my advice is to remember you are in this to explore creating and forming your own little reality so fuck what others think, DO IT. Trust me, submissives, the ones you really want, will respect that far more than another cookie cutter "me too" in the scene.

Okay, enough of the touchy feely part. You are young and hot looking, DON'T DO WHAT I DID AND ABUSE IT. You will have women throwing themselves at you as most Doms are not young and hot. S&M like religion, can be a superficial pastime or you can look inward and make it something deeper and grow as a person in ways you cannot yet imagine. Take that path.

If a woman throws herself at you and they will stop and step outside your cock and look at her as a spirit and what your interactions with her will do. Is she vulnerable and will she fall in love with you? If you are not willing to return that, no matter how tempting it is, don't play with her. If she is slipping out on a spouse that "no longer meets her needs" look at that relationship and see if it is indeed over or with a little directed help from you can it be made to work? If you choose someone as a casual play partner who wants more, help them along with their goals so that they increase their chanced of finding the partner they seek.

Don't worry about your inexperience, just don't get into wild mindgames that are over your head and you will be fine. The only injury common in the scene are broken hearts, thus the above advice. Read and learn, while there is good stuff online, much of it in my opinion is based more on fantasy than reality. Almost anything put out by Greenery Press is worth reading, Dossie Easton wrote two fantastic books, The Topping Book, and The Bottoming Book, they are cheap, buy two of each and make your new pets read them. Another is Consensual Sadomasochism by Dr. Charles Moser.

Best of luck but I think you are going to have a grand time, just make sure those around you do as well.

M.

(in reply to DOMofURdreams)

Post #: 8

RE: i need help classifying myself - 4/16/2006 8:02:35 AM

sophia37

Posts: 1433
Joined: 2/7/2006
Status: offline

Dear DomofURdreams, if you can, go read the thread called "Is It Just Me". I think it touches on what youre asking about. I'd say you're no where near being able to, "classify" yourself.

It seems more like you're a guy who likes a bit of kink in the bedroom is all. And I'm not sure that what you seek is even considered "kink" anymore. I've been to lots of general sites that give out these same bedroom ideas for the vanilla world at large.

So while it's maybe "nice" that these bedroom ideas are being spread around in every community these dayz, its also become a lot trickier trying to give yourself a title. lol

(in reply to DOMofURdreams)

Post #: 9

RE: i need help classifying myself - 4/16/2006 8:06:32 AM

MstrssPassion

Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

I will make one brief comment...

'New people' want to find out where they fit in & claim a term or entitlement.

'Old people' still like to fit in but they tend to think outside of the box & spend far less energy trying to impress the room when they walk in. They also oppose being labeled or tagged with a misunderstood/misused term.

Give it time & you will be able to identify in a way that you understand & in a way that you will be able to effectively communicate with others.

~~oh yeah, you will also find out that you are completely able to assert control without penetrative sex.

The mind is the most orgasmic organ on our bodies & you can't penetrate that with your penis.

< Message edited by MstrssPassion -- 4/16/2006 8:10:26 AM >

_____________________________

MstrssPassion

(in reply to DOMofURdreams)

Post #: 10

RE: i need help classifying myself - 4/16/2006 8:24:55 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

i believe the proper classification would be "DomofURdreams".... now of course that is on hear... other locations or situations the label could be rather different... maybe BOB

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to DOMofURdreams)

Post #: 11

RE: i need help classifying myself - 4/16/2006 8:25:10 AM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DOMofURdreams
i have read and had it stated to me that BDSM is not about sex. I am not sure i agree with that--i dont see how i can assert total control over someone if she isn't going to submit to me sexually.

Allow me to try to explain.
Sex is sex, i.e. somebody inserts something somewhere and bodily fluids are exchanged. Hopefully it is fun for both the inserter and the insertee.
BDSM is what happens before and after and in-between. The power exchange, the control given up and taken on, is in the mind rather than the body.
It might include sex, but it is not JUST about sex; its a package, a mind-set, a way of interacting that enhances life.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to DOMofURdreams)

Post #: 12

RE: i need help classifying myself - 4/16/2006 8:51:03 AM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

i have read and had it stated to me that BDSM is not about sex. I am not sure i agree with that--i dont see how i can assert total control over someone if she isn't going to submit to me sexually.

It's all good. If it's about sex for you embrace that and have fun with it. Just realize, it's not about sex for everyone.

quote:

Also, i have heard the the BDSM community frowns on "swingers"--i dont consider myself one although i have had some experiences (mfm/mfmf) but again, if someone is going to submit, then i expect them to entertain all of my ideas.

Well, get that thought of your head. There is no cohesive rulebook on the 'community' of BDSM. Some who partake do, indeed, frown on swingers.. and everyone else who doesn't live life in the exact same way they do. Bottom line, there are indivduals who will accept and those who won't accept swingers, poly family's, flogging, sex, CD's, gays.. oh, the list is endless.

quote:

I know this question may seem obvious and simplistic to some of you but please bear with me. As someone new to this, sometime it can seem confusing. All i want is some clarification--the last thing i want is to waste anyone's time or effort. thanks in advance

Don't tell anyone this, but in my entire life I've only meet a single person who was born knowing everything about everything... my mother. At least that's what she says. My father does disagree. lol

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to DOMofURdreams)

Post #: 13

RE: i need help classifying myself - 4/16/2006 9:03:21 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

Don't tell anyone this, but in my entire life I've only meet a single person who was born knowing everything about everything... my mother. At least that's what she says. My father does disagree. lol

Celeste

LOL do we share a mom, too? No, we can't....my father agreed with my mom... :)

As for BDSM not being about sex - it can be, or it may not be. Depends on what you want. my own experience has been that it is about my Master's control and power over me in all things, and in exercising that, sex is often a part of it. my sexuality is where i find myself extremely vulnerable, and gives him an avenue into my spirit. It doesn't hurt that he enjoys himself with me sexually, too

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 14

RE: i need help classifying myself - 4/16/2006 9:09:50 AM

puella

Posts: 2457
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

I am only adding my two cents as you posted this to a public thread...

Again and again I find myself asking... why are we so preoccupied, especially as a 'subculture' priding ourselves on our openness and unwillingness to categorize or castigate anyone else's kink, with the idea of ranking/casting/categorizing/labeling ourselves?

You just gave a very detailed and concise list of what you are looking for here on collarme. Will you feel any better about yourself or what you seek by having a title attached to your name? Will it make you feel more legitimate? Do you feel it will give you boundaries you might seek within your desires? Do you feel it adds more to peoples understanding of you and your wants?

You already have the word Dom in your on line name here..I have not perused your profile but I would greatly suspect you have not listed yourself as a submissive. If you are new to this.. why not just set your own standard, as you have in proclaiming what you seek, honestly, and clearly noting you are not submissive, and take the time to read both here and on the many other forums, websites and vast amount of published literature, and find your own definition of self. Especially as a dominant. Why invoke, subscribe or subject yourself to what others decide to call you, instead of creating your own niche, title, category, etc... boldy be yourself, it might be the best beginning you can give to yourself.

(in reply to DOMofURdreams)

Post #: 15

RE: i need help classifying myself - 4/16/2006 9:16:24 AM

Contesaluv

Posts: 173
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

You will definitely get alot of opinions to this question. I say ScooterTrash has hit the nail on the head. Don't define anything for yourself yet. The definition will be formed in the encounters and interactions you have with others as you move through this web of BDSM. For now, suffice it to say that you know you're dominant in your personality and you have some ideas of what you like and what you want and take it from there.

And...may the force be with you! Nee New Nee New!!!...lol

_____________________________

Mistress C.

It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.
William Shakespeare
------------------------
In a world of so many variables, why do you have to be the norm? Anonymous

(in reply to catize)

Post #: 16

RE: i need help classifying myself - 4/16/2006 9:37:19 AM

Proprietrix

Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
Status: offline

If I fit that description, I'd classify myself as Top/Sensual Dom/Curious Newbie.
I think it would be an honest description.
Then as you fine-tune your wants/desires/expectations, you can also fine-tune your title.

(in reply to DOMofURdreams)

Post #: 17

RE: i need help classifying myself - 4/16/2006 12:18:27 PM

enthralled

Posts: 249
Joined: 9/13/2005
From: Nashville, Tn
Status: offline

quote:

If a woman throws herself at you and they will stop and step outside your cock and look at her as a spirit and what your interactions with her will do. Is she vulnerable and will she fall in love with you? If you are not willing to return that, no matter how tempting it is, don't play with her. If she is slipping out on a spouse that "no longer meets her needs" look at that relationship and see if it is indeed over or with a little directed help from you can it be made to work? If you choose someone as a casual play partner who wants more, help them along with their goals so that they increase their chanced of finding the partner they seek.

Very well put!!!

quote:

step outside your cock

-may I use that phrase please? <lol>

You'll get a variety of answers on this because everyone can have different definitions of everything. For example, I'm one of 'those people' who prefers that sex not be a part of my SM scenes; so, it's not about sex for me.
You only mentioned wanting to control her sexuality. Are you wanting control outside the bedroom as well? I think that this is where definitions start to split off as to whether sex is a part of BDSM. Some people only want control in the bedroom or over the person's sexuality and have no interest (nor want the responsibility of) in controlling any other aspect of the submissive's life; in that case, I would call the person a Top. Whatever you do, just be honest about your intentions and what you are seeking.
Everyone has thier own definition, it doesn't mean anyone is right or wrong, doesn't mean my kink should be yours or vice-versa, it just means we're a very diverse community . . . god bless America <lol>.

_____________________________

A man never discloses his own character so clearly as when he describes another's.-Jean Paul Richter

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 18

RE: i need help classifying myself - 4/16/2006 1:12:05 PM

DOMofURdreams

Posts: 5
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline

quote:

Again and again I find myself asking... why are we so preoccupied, especially as a 'subculture' priding ourselves on our openness and unwillingness to categorize or castigate anyone else's kink, with the idea of ranking/casting/categorizing/labeling ourselves?

i think you are reading way too much into the question. this is a subculture, like any other, that has its own terms and verbage to DESCRIBE certain things. i am not all that familiar with these terms (i.e. Gorian-completly new to me bur very interesting). i was just looking for a way, to describe who i am and what i am looking for without typing some dissertation everytime i post something somewhere. I "label" myself straight...because that is what i am...and i want to save people (and myself) who are "gay" the effort of contacting me...

quote:

Will you feel any better about yourself or what you seek by having a title attached to your name?

no, it won't make me feel anything...to suggest otherwise is silly

quote:

Will it make you feel more legitimate?

no, again, it won't make me feel anything...to suggest otherwise is more silliness

quote:

Do you feel it will give you boundaries you might seek within your desires?

i know my boundaries...

quote:

Do you feel it adds more to peoples understanding of you and your wants?

maybe

quote:

why not just set your own standard

i wouldn't presume to set any other

quote:

boldy be yourself

i can be no other

(in reply to puella)

Post #: 19

RE: i need help classifying myself - 4/16/2006 1:13:10 PM

DOMofURdreams

Posts: 5
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Proprietrix

If I fit that description, I'd classify myself as Top/Sensual Dom/Curious Newbie.
I think it would be an honest description.
Then as you fine-tune your wants/desires/expectations, you can also fine-tune your title.

thanks proprietrix...that is the kind of feedback that has been most helpful

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 20

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