Where's the love?

Where's the love? (Full Version)

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Plasticine -> Where's the love? (7/12/2010 8:14:20 PM)
I've tried to compose this thought several times and it just isn't coming together so here's out with it. There are a lot of current threads regarding the actual relationship between people. Discussions have regarded limits, aftercare, falling in love and other things which seem to be at their core about intimacy. Why does it seem like so many people subjugate the "human relationship" part of WIITWD to the "kink" part? Maybe I'm old fashioned but I think that establishing a "vanilla" rapport and intimacy should still be the way to start a relationship of any kind. So why do so many posts seem to put the cart before the horse? Or if you'd rather, please rant about how I'm wrong. I like that part too.

gungadin09 -> RE: Where's the love? (7/12/2010 8:23:14 PM)
The forums are a place to get good and riled up. A heated debate about limits or aftercare, with a few "you stupid motherfuckers" thrown in for good measure. Love is just so...boring? Unless You start talking about loving Your brother or sister. Now THAT would be a good thread. By the way, You're SOOOOOOO WRONG!!!!!!!!! You stupid mother fucker... pam

marie2 -> RE: Where's the love? (7/12/2010 8:26:06 PM)
Personally, I don't put the "kink" first. But I do have to feel a ds kinda thing going on. I have no desire to develope a friendship first and then see if it goes into a ds direction. That's not to say I want to jump in two feet first, quite the opposite in fact, as I am a rather slow mover, however I have to at least feel myself melding into him submissively. In other words, if I'm not feeling like I can potentially respond to this man as my dominant, then there isn't enough for me to even move forward.

Elisabella -> RE: Where's the love? (7/12/2010 8:36:25 PM)
It's easier to find words for kink than it is to find words for love.

mstrjx -> RE: Where's the love? (7/12/2010 8:43:58 PM)
I've related this before, but I was (after a fashion) kinky at the tender age of 5. But until I was 30, I tried nudging kinky activities into my vanilla relationships, to varying, but mostly unsuccessful extents. At 30, I put aside vanilla relationships to meeting people who were kink-aware or more. So to say that a relationship is 'based' on BDSM might or not be fair, but knowing that BDSM will be a 'part' of any future relationship sets the tone. Jeff

Plasticine -> RE: Where's the love? (7/12/2010 9:05:56 PM)
GR I agree with everything above. I do think that starting things kink aware and looking for that D/s hook become new dynamics to dating. What I don't get is why it sounds like folks check their emotional common sense at the BDSM door. It just seems that one would want to be sure that a partner, vanilla or not, could meet most of their primary needs with equal priority.

sexyred1 -> RE: Where's the love? (7/12/2010 9:08:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Plasticine GR I agree with everything above. I do think that starting things kink aware and looking for that D/s hook become new dynamics to dating. What I don't get is why it sounds like folks check their emotional common sense at the BDSM door. It just seems that one would want to be sure that a partner, vanilla or not, could meet most of their primary needs with equal priority. That happens when people are more obsessed with finding a life support system for their kink, than a person to have a relationship with. And that is ok, if the kink is all you are seeking. I believe that those of us who are relationship oriented understand the difference.

juliaoceania -> RE: Where's the love? (7/12/2010 9:09:13 PM)
You maybe old fashioned, but I don't think you are. I read a lot of dominants that seem more romantically inclined than I am, it is what keeps me coming to this site... I love being courted, romance, love, and all of it.... I won't settle for less. And that is not incompatible with D/s, and in my experience it helps it flourish

gungadin09 -> RE: Where's the love? (7/12/2010 9:11:46 PM)
i haven't felt love in a really long time, maybe that's why. Crushes, yes. Obsession, yes. Devotion, yes. But vanilla love? Not in a while. i guess i don't like to get that close to people. It's easier to just be obsessed with someone. You don't have to really even know them. Often, the more i know about a person, the less i like them. So, crushes are safer, for me. i prefer worshiping someone from afar. It's easier that way. pam

sweetsub1957 -> RE: Where's the love? (7/12/2010 9:11:57 PM)
~FR~ For me to be in a relationship with Someone, there has to be love and vanilla compatibility. Therealso has to be a D/s component.....i need that power exchange happening for things to click at all, and the kink compatibility can come later after i know we're compatible otherwise. i know this sounds corny, but since i've discovered bdsm, i've felt deeper love than i ever did with a 'nilla. i've found love, companionship, D/s power exchange and kink, all in one wonderful relationship. [sm=hearts.gif] ~sweetsub~

porcelaine -> RE: Where's the love? (7/12/2010 9:12:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Plasticine Why does it seem like so many people subjugate the "human relationship" part of WIITWD to the "kink" part? Maybe I'm old fashioned but I think that establishing a "vanilla" rapport and intimacy should still be the way to start a relationship of any kind. So why do so many posts seem to put the cart before the horse? Or if you'd rather, please rant about how I'm wrong. I like that part too. Plasticine, I've had this discussion with others and what I'm about to say may not be popular but that's never bothered me before. I don't buy it. I don't believe much that I'm reading that relegates situations to kink only. I don't believe people are in relationships, dynamics, or whatever the heck they're calling them with little regard for their wants, needs, desires, and well being. I think it's very popular to project ideas that suggest otherwise. I think it's become so commonplace in some BDSM circles that a new antithesis is evolving that demeans and berates individuals that emote or openly express a desire for love or anything supposedly non kink oriented in their partnerships. The ironic thing is when the rabble rousers are taken to task and called on the things they expound a different story emerges. Then we see traces of 'normalcy' and the ideologies that seemed so foreign have been nicely downplayed or intentionally ignored for more exciting attributes instead. And let us not forget the would be martyrs that are giving everything (limbs included) to their dominant without a care in the world. No yearning for fulfillment. Just for the sake of being his. I think the numbers that are truthfully doing that or desiring such from their companion is small. I think we're selfish. I believe we get involved because we're giving and getting something out of it. So here's my truth. I love my man. I think he's wavy like gravy and I groove on him big time. I see him as he is. A really great guy with some flaws just like yours truly. He isn't omnipotent or any other omni you'd wish to throw in. He leads and I follow because he's capable and knows what he's doing. The sex is awesome but it isn't the crux of who we are as a pair. Our existence is founded upon something far greater and all the bells and whistles are an outgrowth of this. It's the fundamental 'we' that's nurtured, strengthened, protected, and expanded. The ideas of non kink aren't a part of my existence. I don't compartmentalize my life that way. We interact like normal folk and have activities and interests that don't involve leather, pain, or things we can't do in public without risking arrest. We're balanced and BDSM is a part of our lives just as much as golf or any other activity. We chose partners, not roles. He's interested in my total person. Not the parts relegated useful for slavery. I'm so much more and to negate my other dimensions because they're not as glamorous according to the virtual rule makers is a little silly. And that's the other thing. We're totally okay with people doing their thing in the manner it suits them. Not threatened or bothered. Not interested in one wayism and most certainly not desiring validation or offering it in kind. ~porcelaine

LadyPact -> RE: Where's the love? (7/12/2010 9:43:05 PM)
Except......... some of us really aren't here for that. Oh, I'll absolutely grant you the point. If I were a single, monogamous woman, I would most likely be singing the same song. I have no doubt that if I were here looking for a primary partner, I would probably want romantic love as a part of that relationship. I would want the courting, the dating, the romantic dinners, and everything else that most people here searching for someone would want. The thing is, I've already got all of that. I've got a husband. On top of that, I've got a boy in My collar. That particular want (love) is already satisfied in My life. There is no requirement of romantic love for casual S/m play. I consider it the BDSM version of friends with benefits, except that it involves playing instead of physical sex. The very same thing can be said for someone being in service to Me, though the concept of liking the person goes a bit deeper. If love comes along, that's great. I might consider someone for another addition to our poly home. If it doesn't, I'm not going to say I'll be disappointed. The lack of it won't change Me, either. I'll still be right there, topping when the opportunity presents itself and having fun doing it.

girlygurl -> RE: Where's the love? (7/12/2010 9:46:50 PM)
~FR WIITWD is "a part" of the whole dynamic I call "the relationship". This happens to be a BDSM site so yea, that's gonna come up more often times than not. Just my two cents worth. [:)]

AlexandraLynch -> RE: Where's the love? (7/12/2010 10:03:38 PM)
If I love someone there is liable to be an S/M component to it. You see, I am a biter, and it is an expression of affection for me to bite someone. Not to bleeding, just maybe a little mark if they're an easy bruiser. Now, either they will go "Oh, really?!" and bite back (yay fun cats mating time!) or they will quiver and give in, and right then we just got D/s. I don't do what most people talk about with "making love". That doesn't get me off. But I love people who are submitting to me. Passionately, consumingly love them. I love them so much I want to open them up and know them from the inside out. I want to eat them up, I love them so.

marie2 -> RE: Where's the love? (7/12/2010 10:13:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: gungadin09 Crushes, yes. Obsession, yes. Devotion, yes. But vanilla love? Not in a while. i guess i don't like to get that close to people. It's easier to just be obsessed with someone. You don't have to really even know them. Often, the more i know about a person, the less i like them. This is priceless!

porcelaine -> RE: Where's the love? (7/12/2010 10:29:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Except......... some of us really aren't here for that. LadyPact, I agree and you have no problem expressing your contentment in both situations. I have never felt that you've put forth an image that created an identity at all. You always struck me as genuine and that's at the heart of what I shared. You may be sadistic and love inflicting terror upon your subjects (I'm salivating as I write this), but you're also a real person underneath and your sadism hasn't taken that away. Nor do you mask it either. In my mind that's the difference between reality and the other thing masquerading in forums as 'lifestyle'. ~porcelaine

sunshinemiss -> RE: Where's the love? (7/12/2010 11:58:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Plasticine I've tried to compose this thought several times and it just isn't coming together so here's out with it. There are a lot of current threads regarding the actual relationship between people. Discussions have regarded limits, aftercare, falling in love and other things which seem to be at their core about intimacy. Why does it seem like so many people subjugate the "human relationship" part of WIITWD to the "kink" part? Maybe I'm old fashioned but I think that establishing a "vanilla" rapport and intimacy should still be the way to start a relationship of any kind. So why do so many posts seem to put the cart before the horse? Or if you'd rather, please rant about how I'm wrong. I like that part too. Now, tell me again why you are single... *wee grammatical mistake.

lally2 -> RE: Where's the love? (7/13/2010 2:02:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Plasticine I've tried to compose this thought several times and it just isn't coming together so here's out with it. There are a lot of current threads regarding the actual relationship between people. Discussions have regarded limits, aftercare, falling in love and other things which seem to be at their core about intimacy. Why does it seem like so many people subjugate the "human relationship" part of WIITWD to the "kink" part? Maybe I'm old fashioned but I think that establishing a "vanilla" rapport and intimacy should still be the way to start a relationship of any kind. So why do so many posts seem to put the cart before the horse? Or if you'd rather, please rant about how I'm wrong. I like that part too. youre not wrong - i think the trouble is that compatibility with kink is put before relationship compatibility very often because to some degree or another that is important too, very important in fact. that is how these sort of relationships are different in their start to vanilla. you dont get vanillas asking each other if they preffer missionary, doggie or whatever - the physical elements are left unsaid very often because generally speaking vanilla sexuality is fairly predictable. so people get caught up on that as part of their first point of refferrance - its tricky because you could meet someone you really really like who doesnt have youre kinks at all and vice versa. people can wait an inordinate amount of time for the right person to come along with the right mix of relationship compatibility and kink - i think that some people do settle for some sort of compatibility and hope it will all work its way through. well, thats one aspect of it anyway, there are others of course and this is really only relevant to the people who are looking for long term.

VaguelyCurious -> RE: Where's the love? (7/13/2010 2:36:10 AM)
FR I'm reminded of something AQSM said somewhere or other (can't for the life of me remember where, so if someone knows what's I'm talking about and finds me a link there may be smooches involved). If I remember rightly it was along the lines of: I talk about kink a lot here. To read these boards you'd get the impression I was beating people 24/7-you'd totally miss out on the downtime, on all the love and gentleness in my life. So the nature of the boards causes me to misrepresent myself. I might have added/messed with the sentiments in my mind, but if that was what he said then I think it applies here-for me personally, there are some things I won't talk about on a message board. Specific lovers, and the emotions involved, are things I won't talk about. Does that mean those feelings aren't there? Fuck no. It just means that I don't consider them to be for public consumption. So where is the love? I suspect that in many cases it stays between the two(/three/four/however many) people involved. As for putting the cart before the horse-I don't know about anyone else, but I tend to assume that if we're talking about an LTR (rather than a situation like mine/Lady Pact's) then the horse is good and ready to go before anyone starts worrying about the cart (or whatever the correct bloody analogy is-I mean that if people are engaging in a kink relationship then I assume they already have a vanilla rapport)-it doesn't seem worth saying; if someone doesn't take that as read then there is probably a whole lot else standing in their way too.

Level -> RE: Where's the love? (7/13/2010 3:13:45 AM)
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=2971514 ? readies for smooches, even if it's not the right link

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