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An Important Question - 7/13/2010 11:54:16 AM

mydomsslave

Posts: 5
Joined: 7/8/2010
Status: offline

Like I have stated, I am very new to this. How do you kow you have picked the right Master for you? I get into trouble when I "question" in "free times" and it makes me wonder. Being a very headstrong woman in my "Vanilla" life, I sometimes need to know certain things. My relationship with my Master is still new, so I am not sure how to handle this. I do not try to be disobedient, however, within a new realtionship, certain things need to be communicated and honesty needs to be present always. Especially in this type of relationship. Please correct me if I am wrong, I just need to know why a Master would be so mad at innocent questions that need to be answered with honest answers and not just "trust me."

Post #: 1

RE: An Important Question - 7/13/2010 12:03:38 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Well, what kind of questions? My response to "Are you sure you know what the hell you're doing?" is different from my response to "What's the best way to please you?"

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to mydomsslave)

Post #: 2

RE: An Important Question - 7/13/2010 12:04:30 PM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mydomsslave

Like I have stated, I am very new to this. How do you kow you have picked the right Master for you? I get into trouble when I "question" in "free times" and it makes me wonder. Being a very headstrong woman in my "Vanilla" life, I sometimes need to know certain things. My relationship with my Master is still new, so I am not sure how to handle this. I do not try to be disobedient, however, within a new realtionship, certain things need to be communicated and honesty needs to be present always. Especially in this type of relationship. Please correct me if I am wrong, I just need to know why a Master would be so mad at innocent questions that need to be answered with honest answers and not just "trust me."

mydomsslave,

Before I respond I would appreciate if you'd expound on your definition of "free times." You've utilized that verbiage in your profile and I want to make certain that I'm drawing the right association. Thank you.

~porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to mydomsslave)

Post #: 3

RE: An Important Question - 7/13/2010 12:08:34 PM

mydomsslave

Posts: 5
Joined: 7/8/2010
Status: offline

What I call "free times" is when I am free to speak my mind without punishment. My "slave" hat is off for a moment. The kind of questions I am asking are simple and stated in a very respectful way. I do not speak to him in any manner of disrespect.

(in reply to porcelaine)

Post #: 4

RE: An Important Question - 7/13/2010 1:14:36 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

If you aren't free to ask questions and have him demonstrate that he does know what he's doing and that he is making the correct decisions that will earn your trust instead of lose it, then I would doubt this relationship has a leg to stand on.

You're new to each other. That means he must earn respect and trust. And how do we earn respect and trust? By making good decisions and demonstrating thoughtfulness.

Is someone who will not answer questions able to easily earn trust? No. Because until the trust is earned you should not move on to giving him more control and allowing edgier play, as he hasn't merited earning that.

He can demand a partner who asks no questions but the result is a partner who won't trust him. Ask him if this is what he wants and if not, why is he doing something that is causing this. And if the answer is that you aren't a true sub, then he's demonstrated not being able to earn trust and wanting more than he deserves.

And beyond the d/s and all that, are you happy being with someone who blows up at you whenever you ask him something? Because you deserve to be in a relationship that makes you happy and this doesn't sound like it is. Moreover if your mother/sister/daughter/best friend came to you with this question; was it okay that her partner becomes angry whenever she asks an innocent question - what would you answer? And if you wouldn't want them in such a relationship then you shouldn't want it for yourself.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to mydomsslave)

Post #: 5

RE: An Important Question - 7/13/2010 3:00:33 PM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mydomsslave

What I call "free times" is when I am free to speak my mind without punishment. My "slave" hat is off for a moment. The kind of questions I am asking are simple and stated in a very respectful way. I do not speak to him in any manner of disrespect.

mydomsslave,

Thank you for responding. That really helps me to put your question into the proper context. I would hasten against compartmentalization, though it is commonplace for beginners to do such. You wear multiple hats and your utilization of one doesn't negate the existence of the others. One aspect of your person is merely at the forefront. Therefore you are both a woman and slave and I'm certain a host of other descriptors. You didn't stop being the former when slavery came into play, but elected to relate differently with your partner in a capacity we attribute to slavery. The woman is ever present. In fact, if you believe she isn't pay close attention to the moments you're acting against his wishes. She's nifty and is apt to creep out on occasion.

Based on the information you've shared it appears you have speech protocols in place that limit your ability for self-expression during designated moments. Having been the recipient of a similar practice I know how challenging it can be to navigate them. We attempt workarounds that usually don't help in the long run. I'm aware different opinions exist regarding this subject, but I'll candidly share my own and hope you understand this is merely my perspective on the topic. I view punishment as behavior correction. It is meant to eradicate an action, thought, or belief that the submissive has that the dominant believes is conduct unbecoming his possession. I didn't say it is wrong, I utilized that terminology for a specific reason. He simply finds it inappropriate where he's concerned.

Talkativeness and questioning can be common elements that newcomers display. I don't view either with disdain but their receptivity will be dependent on the one she partners with. Some welcome thorough discussion and others prefer less interaction when directives are given. In terms of the questions you're presenting, I'd write them down first and truthfully articulate what you're hoping to learn. Babbling versus thought provoking posits isn't the same and everyone always believes what they're presenting is important. Putting it in black and white alleviates fact from fiction. Which brings me to the bigger issue. You must understand why the protocol exists. Whether he shares his intentions about what he hopes to gain is another story. However, having some forethought about the behaviors he wishes for you to embrace does reinforce the meaning behind the restriction.

Now I'll be blunt. Sometimes a girl really needs to put a lid on. Including yours truly. If you allow me free reign I'll ask a variety of questions because I'm curious and I like to understand. A good way to approach the situation is having your list in hand and prepared in advance. During those moments when the restriction is lifted you can present your ideas without concern for speech modifications. I don't agree that your slave hat is off at all. I simply believe that's the designated period where you're allowed to present your ideas without rebuff. I do agree that tone plays a big part, but I think this is related to something larger. In terms of whether it is right or wrong that isn't mine to define. You've determined that the individual is a suitable fit and he's providing the parameters that you must operate in as his. Your decision in all of this is whether you're able to thrive within this environment or are in need of something less confining. But understand, you are usually trading one thing for another. It's never a cakewalk. But choose wisely. You are placing yourself within his hands and entrusting your well being to him. Make sure he's capable of providing that. Best of luck.

~porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to mydomsslave)

Post #: 6

RE: An Important Question - 7/13/2010 3:34:38 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

the same way you know if you chose the right boyfriend, partner, husband.

It's not any different at all.

I knew because I fell head over heels for him. We spoke and got to know one another, we continue to share each other's lives and we're compatible in many ways.

(in reply to porcelaine)

Post #: 7

RE: An Important Question - 7/14/2010 12:09:35 AM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mydomsslave

Like I have stated, I am very new to this. How do you kow you have picked the right Master for you?

He had no problem with what I call brain-picks . There are times I would ask him if I could pick his brain and it was inconvenient or something, but he always readdressed it when he could give time enough to give my questions serious consideration and thoughtful answers.

His path was clear and attractive to me and because he answered all my questions I felt that I could follow along, grow and be happy on the path he wanted to carve out for us. Over time, he demonstrated his consistent nature which lead to me trusting him more and more. He holds me to his standards while maintaining high standards for himself as well. I know that he's right for me because I have never been so consistently happy as I have been since we began this journey together although to be sure there have been some rough patches.

That thing about saying *trust me* instead of answering questions never did sit well with me. I don't give my trust to just anyone. I want answers to my questions, damn it.. and if the answers are satisfactory, then I'll give someone a chance to prove their words match their actions consistantly, as mine do, then I'll trust. Not before then though.

< Message edited by BitaTruble -- 7/14/2010 12:11:32 AM >

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to mydomsslave)

Post #: 8

RE: An Important Question - 7/15/2010 5:27:22 PM

CaringandReal

Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline

You know by how you feel. You watch your feelings over a long period of time, and if they stay consistently one way, then you usually know.

How long have you been with this dominant? And is it in person/living with him or long-distance?

Some dominants are very communicative and encourage all questions; others are not that way. It's a matter of style. It could be your dominant is trying to teach you to be more accepting and to not need answers for everything, or it could be something else. Hard to say without seeing the interaction.

What's an example of a question you aked that made him angry?

_____________________________

"A friend who bleeds is better" --placebo

"How seldom we recognize the sound when the bolt of our fate slides home." --thomas harris

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 9

RE: An Important Question - 7/15/2010 6:44:47 PM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline

For me...he wouldn't be the right master for me just by the fact that I couldn't ask questions whenever I needed to and would have to wait until "free time".
Now granted...a lot of times I ask him things and his answer is "shaddup"
I'm Italian. I talk a lot.

_____________________________

(in reply to mydomsslave)

Post #: 10

RE: An Important Question - 7/15/2010 6:50:58 PM

divi

Posts: 11109
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline

I had a BF who used to tie my hands together lol... I also like to talk

_____________________________

( imho )

I really could use a wish right now

(in reply to Aileen1968)

Post #: 11

RE: An Important Question - 7/15/2010 8:05:20 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mydomsslave

Like I have stated, I am very new to this. How do you kow you have picked the right Master for you? I get into trouble when I "question" in "free times" and it makes me wonder. Being a very headstrong woman in my "Vanilla" life, I sometimes need to know certain things. My relationship with my Master is still new, so I am not sure how to handle this. I do not try to be disobedient, however, within a new realtionship, certain things need to be communicated and honesty needs to be present always. Especially in this type of relationship. Please correct me if I am wrong, I just need to know why a Master would be so mad at innocent questions that need to be answered with honest answers and not just "trust me."

D/s isn't special. It doesn't change your basic needs as a human and in a relationship. It doesn't relieve either party from having to be accountable and communicate. There are many that say otherwise. They often end up here talking about their failed relationships.

It's very difficult to answer your question with the limited information and one-sided nature of the forums. Instead you should always answer this question of yourself in ANY relationship, are my needs being met? If they are not, do I have the ability to address this with my partner and remedy it? If the answer is no, it doesn't matter if you are in a relationship with a Dom or anyone else, it will not work.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to mydomsslave)

Post #: 12

RE: An Important Question - 7/15/2010 8:06:15 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

If his answer is "trust me", then maybe he's feeling like you don't. And if you don't then maybe its because that trust will take some time to develop- just as in a vanilla relationship.

And maybe when you're asking him questions, you are seeking reassurances so that you can relax and beging to trust him more. And maybe by you doing that, he feels you don't trust him a lot yet- which is true- but instead of being able to offer you effective reassurances in order to properly foster that trust, and instead of realizing that this is going to take a good amount of time and patience.... Instead of those enlightened thoughts, maybe all he feels is defensive, offended, puzzled as to why you don't trust him as much as he'd like you to and as soon as he would like.... So maybe he's a newbie too, or maybe he's just clueless about how relationships (whether D/s or vanilla) work... So he fires off a defensive "trust me" response, which of course doesn't reassure you at all but causes you to be more concerned instead, and to want to question him more.... Basically the exact opposite of your desired result... Followed by him being still unable to provide you with the reassurances that you really need even more now, because now he's really feeling a complete lack of the kind of reassurances from you that would signal that you do in fact trust him...

In short: you both have been unable to effectively reassure the other and/or feel reassured by each other, in order to move to the depth of trust that is needed to keep developing more trust.

If you are at this kind of stalemate for long, there will come a point of diminishing returns, beyond which lies wasted time- unless you can recognise that point, at or before your arrival there- and break the stalemate by either breaking up, or moving past it to a level of deeper connection and real trust.

You cannot make him trust you, and you cannot make his relationship skills improve. So work on your own state of mind and do what you can with your own thoughts and feelings... And let him know that especially since you're new to D/s, you know that there are things you can improve on and that that is very important to you... But that he doesn't have forever to just say "trust me"- that that isn't working for you, and that you need for you both to be able to learn to reassure one another effectively... Ask how he would like his reassurances, and tell him examples of how you need your reassurances from your dom to look and feel. Example: "I'd really feel safe and adored if you'd take me in your arms and just hold me close for a while sometimes, and say 'I'll always pay attention to your needs, and I'll never let any harm come to you, dear.' - And if you'd stop frequently in this beginning time to check on me and make sure I'm okay, before continuing.... I would absolutely LOVE that, I'd feel so reassured, safe and adored! Exactly what can I say and do, to make you feel properly reassured and secure as my dom?"

Then listen, and try to move forward with the new knowledge. It can be done, if you both come to the table with a willingness to make the effort, and a clue about how. And it is worth it, as long as you're a good match both in and out of bed. If you're just not feeling that he has a clue and don't feel that he will no matter how much effort you put in, then it doesn't even matter how compatible you are, in and out of bed. Some people just have a basic inability to trust, and don't have a lot of self- awareness, so that they may not want to put in a lot of effort on a relationship when they don't know enough about their own inner workings, to know where to start.

Know your point of diminishing returns so that you don't go past that time, if either of you is that kind of person.

Even if you can see that he's not the dom of your dreams right now, you can still craft a good relationship. It doesn't have to be a serious relationship, right? You can have a fun, sweet relationship of mutual use and then part friends as long as you both agree that you'd like to do that from the start, right? Or do you want a serious owner/slave relationship and want to be free right away to persue that with someone else, if he's not a good fit for you?

_____________________________

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(in reply to mydomsslave)

Post #: 13

RE: An Important Question - 7/15/2010 8:08:55 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

I would question being with anyone where I could not ask them questions or say what I felt.

I would never want to be with someone who stifled me.

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)

Post #: 14

RE: An Important Question - 7/15/2010 8:11:34 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

~fr~
If you do not have the freedom to communicate regarding your desires, questions, and concerns, you do not have a relationship of any sort. Communication is key to all relationships, personal, professional, romantic, etc

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)

Post #: 15

RE: An Important Question - 7/17/2010 4:32:25 AM

Manawyddan

Posts: 701
Joined: 1/2/2005
From: Petaluma (Northern California)
Status: offline

I've always told any girl serving me that she is free to ask questions at any time, provided they are phrased respectfully. How is she going to serve properly if she is lacking information?

_____________________________

_______________________________________________
"She always had a terrific sense of humor"
(Valerie Solonas, as described by her mother)
_______________________________________________

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 16

RE: An Important Question - 7/17/2010 7:42:11 AM

subsfaith

Posts: 297
Joined: 11/21/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mydomsslave

How do you kow you have picked the right Master for you? I get into trouble when I "question" in "free times" and it makes me wonder.

Interesting how you see this as a match issue and not something you are doing wrong. Have you tried asking him how you are getting yourself into trouble? how you can do things differently? Have you asked how your 'free time' should be used?

There are so many different answers to these question, depending on who you ask, seems as you want a relationship with this man, he is the one you need to be asking.

quote:

ORIGINAL: mydomsslave
Being a very headstrong woman in my "Vanilla" life, I sometimes need to know certain things.

No you don't... you want to know.

To submit you follow orders, to do that needs nothing more than the skill to be able to do x, y or z.

quote:

ORIGINAL: mydomsslave
My relationship with my Master is still new, so I am not sure how to handle this.

The only correct way to find out is to ask him. We are not in your relationship so we don't know.

quote:

ORIGINAL: mydomsslave
I do not try to be disobedient, however, within a new realtionship, certain things need to be communicated and honesty needs to be present always. Especially in this type of relationship.

Again, you want to know, not need to know. Perhaps this is your criteria, but is it the same for your Master? You might be surprised how this differs from person to person.

quote:

ORIGINAL: mydomsslave
I just need to know why a Master would be so mad at innocent questions that need to be answered with honest answers and not just "trust me."

There you go again with 'need'. Why he asks you to do something you enjoy, do you question why? I bet you don't. If that is the case, and you are asking why... then the action of asking why is like saying 'I want you to demonstrate why I should trust you'

I understand you have said you are respectful, however, does respectful mean the same thing to your Master? Have you checked?

And what is wrong with him saying 'trust me' when you are calling him Master? So often in an Ms dynamic it is agreed that the slave isn't allow to ask the question 'why?' If he doesn't think you should ask 'why' then asking it could be deemed as very disrespectful regardless of how prettily you say it.

In my relationship I don't care why, although sometimes I do wonder. I have made the decision to allow him to control me... why he wants me to do something is not relevant in the slightest. Asking 'why' could suggest that I don't trust him, or perhaps his judgment, as his slave that would be disrespectful. If I find myself wondering why I refer to the thought that he knows he wants from me and I have no right to question that.

The only answers to be had for all your questions are from your dominant.

(in reply to mydomsslave)

Post #: 17

RE: An Important Question - 7/17/2010 7:51:53 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subsfaith
Asking 'why' could suggest that I don't trust him, or perhaps his judgment,

Which is appropriate in a new relationship when he has not demonstrated through his actions that he merits trust. Trust is earned by word and action agreeing. It takes time, and a sufficient history together to see if he really is calm and patient or if he just claims he is and instead screams abusively when angry.

It sounds like the op agreed to be collared to someone she did not yet know sufficiently and now that she is claimed, he is no longer pretending to be the person he said he was. But instead feels free to berate her whenever instead of earning trust.

Next time, hopefully she will refuse a collar until she is sure who he is and both says what he means and means what he says.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to subsfaith)

Post #: 18

RE: An Important Question - 7/17/2010 8:05:18 AM

WestBaySlave

Posts: 501
Joined: 9/24/2008
Status: offline

Anyone who can't take a submissive asking questions would not enjoy my company. I tend to enjoy free and open communication, and it has nothing to do with a lack of obedience or lack of trust.

I do find the anger worrying. If you're in an established power exchange then there should be no reason for him to be angry - he can just tell you he's not going to answer and then you either move on, or not.

(in reply to mydomsslave)

Post #: 19

RE: An Important Question - 7/17/2010 11:01:47 AM

alatheia

Posts: 50
Joined: 7/4/2010
Status: offline

Man if i were with your dom id be getting punished by him all the time.

Asking questions is how i learn most things which leads to the fact that he wouldnt be the right person for me.

_____________________________

The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, M.D

(in reply to WestBaySlave)

Post #: 20

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