Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: polyamory


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: polyamory Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: polyamory - 7/14/2010 3:51:47 PM   
SpiritedRadiance


Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline 		I have had the procedure to change certain beliefs and ideals that one has hard wired into them at length for reasons Id rather not disclose.

The cognitive behavioral therapy necessary to change ones beliefs, espically if they are HARD wired into their system like being poly or monogamous Is dangerous.

Im all for if everyone involves wants to be poly, Ive seen many happy successful relationships that are poly, but the guys were up front from the start about the fact they wanted to be poly.

Some people are not poly, and if they are honest and upfront about not being poly and the dom asks them to be later down the road, espically if he knew from the start he was poly, hes a dishonest person, that shouldnt be trusted. I do except that relationships change and grow and evolve, but if it evolves towards poly, he should have mentioned it when the feelings started to come up. I am not poly, I can not be poly, Its not about being insecure, or discomfort, Its not in my wiring, and its not wiring that can be changed with out intense cognitive behavioral therapy.

Its not about discomfort, for some people, poly would be extremely mentally and emotionally damaging to that person, some people are not as flexible in their beliefs. And any dom who would try to change someones hard wired code, like straight to bi or monogamous to poly, is a dom abusing his power. and people rarely stop abusing after one thing is accomplished, usually it ends up fairly badly, after poly whats next, sex in micky Ds play area? cutting off a limb to show im the domly dom of all domly domness. Sure its extreme thinking but Ive been down this road and i post from my own personal experience.

The Op didnt come here and say Hey my dom wants to be poly and I want it to.
She came here saying Im not poly, I dont want to be poly I was upfront about this and my doms asking it of me. and I dont know what to do.  My opinion is to talk to him and if he doesnt let it drop to leave him because its not going to stop at just this hard limitation.

I also wanted point out that everyone has their breaking point, Everyone has a point where they say to themselves I cant do this anymore with a person like this. For me it was my partner bringing home a girl who he knew had hiv and asking me to have unprotected sex with her. Many doms think because a girl will do damn NEAR anything they will do anything, and most people get high on that, and start to think well maybe i can try because she did x for me.

YMMV

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: polyamory - 7/14/2010 4:47:50 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SpiritedRadiance
And I hope you realize that one day, what YOU want might be something she cant handle or cant live with, and I hope your prepared to fix what one day you might break.
Not possible. I cannot imagine myself wanting something which was bad for Carol. Why would I want that?

quote:

I really respect your posts, but some days I just want to smack you and thats okay.

Join the club *laughs*

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to SpiritedRadiance)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: polyamory - 7/14/2010 4:49:40 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Did he know ahead of time you weren't into this? Because if so and he said that was fine, then he's a liar. And can you really trust and submit to someone who lied to you?

He wants someone else to fuck. And he wants to watch two women having sex. He isn't talking about her making you a tea tray at four o'clock.

Me? I'd hand him the listings in the paper for escort agency and wish him luck before walking out the door and looking for someone honest. Or I'd look for a male sub who likes to dress as female. (Well, actually I wouldn't, but I would print him out profiles of such. I wouldn't do this to another person, involve them because I'm furious)  What I wouldn't do is something he knew damn well I wasn't going to ever do.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: polyamory - 7/14/2010 5:20:47 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

Carol's natural wiring IS what I want. If I want her to be poly, then that is (or will quickly become) that which is natural to her.

I'm gonna have to respectfully disagree on this issue. Of course I don't know Carol and I would never attempt to tell you anything about her. However, I do happen to know a bit about "natural wiring" and it is what it is, regardless of whether it's what you "want" or not. Carol may be the type who will "quickly become" accepting of and obedient to anything you desire. No dispute there. However, if she is not "wired" that way, there's nothing you or she can do to change that. I wholeheartedly believe the way all of us are "wired" comes early in life and that nothing can alter that. We can alter our behaviors and we can conform to anything anyone requires of us but to say that basic wiring can be changed just doesn't ring true to me. Pleasing you may come very naturally for Carol (and it sounds like it does) but if you attempted to "re-wire" something in her that goes against all her moral fiber, for instance, I think you may see some difficulties. Fortunately, what you want and how she is just seem to mesh nicely. Just my 2 cents given with much respect to you and her............luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: polyamory - 7/15/2010 12:56:13 AM   
Zevar


Posts: 801
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveemerald

hello-i am emerald, an owned and collared slave. my Master is now asking me to find a sister to serve Him and he says myself. this is a new request. i have always known poly was not for me and i avoided Doms who were into that. now i am faced with it and do not know how to get my head around it. i have tried talking to him. i need help with this issue

thank you


Greetings slaveemerald:

It sounds like your dilemma is surely in need of decisiveness. Maintaining a position of ambiguity will only serve to further your confusion you speak of. In all seriousness it is an important first step to address any remnant whatsoever that may serve to reinforce a position of uncertainty regarding if you can honestly thrive in an environment that is categorized as a polygamous household.

Polygamy is not for everyone. Nor is monogamy for everyone. If you are someone who is not able to truly live in this manner then clearly it is imperative that you accept what is true for you and openly discuss this issue with your partner. Examining this issue from a societal perspective it is not uncommon to find less support for this form of relating than not.

Based on your words it does sound like you already know your position yet do not want to accept it perhaps? Never forsake being honest in the beginning of this form of relating as it is a far more demanding expression of relating to become involved in than monogamy is. Every issue that you already are aware can seem to become increased when there is more than 1 female involved with the man whom you now relate with in a monogamous manner.

To be frank with you and assist you to remove the blinders you are attempting to hang onto, I will say if you know in your heart of hearts that you cannot imagine sharing this man that you relate with then get out before the fire is so intense that it may appear as though you are consumed in a way that excludes your ability to exit this relationship.

If you elect to remain in a form of denial and do not face this issue straightforward, then surely the only one who is responsible for your future misery and unhappiness for remaining in a relationship where you settled will be the one who you see in any mirror when you face yourself each day.

I encourage you to be fully honest. People come and go. You must be true to yourself as he must be true to himself. Be who you are and accept that when changes surface in any relationship that Life indeed does goes on! Don't hang on to a man that is not the man for you or you for him. Be brave and above all Be honest with yourself. You deserve this and so much more. We get what we settle for OR what we openly and honestly choose. Welcome to Adulthood, aye? Take good care of you!

(in reply to slaveemerald)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: polyamory - 7/15/2010 12:59:12 AM   
wittynamehere


Posts: 759
Joined: 2/5/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveemerald

hello-i am emerald, an owned and collared slave. my Master is now asking me to find a sister to serve Him and he says myself. this is a new request. i have always known poly was not for me and i avoided Doms who were into that. now i am faced with it and do not know how to get my head around it. i have tried talking to him. i need help with this issue

thank you

Summary: You're being forced to do something you know is wrong for you.
Suggestion: Get the hell out of there.


_____________________________

I almost never return to a thread, so if you saw my post and want me to hear your reply, please message it to me.

(in reply to slaveemerald)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: polyamory - 7/15/2010 7:05:37 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I agree with luci in that Jeff could well make carol accepting of poly. But he can't make her actively bisexual. He could get her to go through the motions of touching/licking etc another woman but he couldn't make her take active enjoyment from the activity.

The Man could easily enough get me to go camping but he wouldn't be able to get me to want to do it. And when it comes to sex, it is unfair to the third to set them up to fail by not telling them upfront btw I'm only having sex with you because I've been told to but I don't find you desirable in the least and I don't want you here in my space. Honesty demands that. But as already said, the OP's master isn't honest and doesn't want that in his relationship any more.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to wittynamehere)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: polyamory - 7/15/2010 7:15:20 AM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveemerald

hello-i am emerald, an owned and collared slave. my Master is now asking me to find a sister to serve Him and he says myself. this is a new request. i have always known poly was not for me and i avoided Doms who were into that. now i am faced with it and do not know how to get my head around it. i have tried talking to him. i need help with this issue

thank you


I love the houseofdarkness profile....So much weeping. lol.

Boy you can really pick'em. The houseofdarkness is a classic. I am really thinking about changing my profile to emulate that of a true master.

My daughters are slaves, my mother was a slave, my great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandmother was a slave....When she died we all wept.

Too funny. You are so screwed and rightly so.

_____________________________



(in reply to slaveemerald)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: polyamory - 7/15/2010 7:18:29 AM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		I am an excellent and caring Master. Sadly, since my divorce I can only offer an ApartmentofDarkness.

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: polyamory - 7/15/2010 7:23:38 AM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		I can offer only momentsofdarkness that will soon be eclipsed by laughter. Then followed by intense moments of grief and weeping.

Such is the path of an old guard Dom.

_____________________________



(in reply to Jeffff)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: polyamory - 7/15/2010 8:10:18 AM   
DarlingSavage


Posts: 2808
Joined: 9/18/2009
Status: offline 		Where is my imagination?  I think I'm still waking up.  I'm going for some ChaiofDarkness over at BigMike's CoffeeHouseofDarkness.  How's that?

_____________________________

<-- Easily amused.
<-- Easily impressed.

Strangers have the BEST candy!

Puppy dogs are my favorite people!


(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: polyamory - 7/15/2010 8:47:21 AM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527
Carol's natural wiring IS what I want. If I want her to be poly, then that is (or will quickly become) that which is natural to her. You can't separate out Carol's "nature" the way you are doing it for yourself.


Jeff, I think that the difference, for you and Carol, is more than just that she submits to you -- it's also that between you both you've put your -relationship- with one another as the priority item. Both of you serve -that relationship- first... and because Carol knows that you serve the relationship, and you know that -she- serves the relationship as the first priority, there is a relief from some of the fear that can come from a perspective where the -individuals- are the focus, rather than the relationship.

The other bonus, from a polyamory perspective, of having everyone involved focusing on making the relationship as healthy as possible between them is that that kind of focus can be -expanded- nearly painlessly, regardless of how many people are involved... if everyone is focused on the same goal (a healthy happy relationship) and makes decisions based on that goal, you'll have success.

It's my opinion, from watching your household's development over time, that this is what you and Carol figured out between you, and you do your service to the relationship by you being the leader and Carol does her bit in serving the health of the relationship through her willingness to follow where you lead. Adding another person at your direction then becomes something that facilitates the health of the -relationship-, as long as the people who are added make that -their- focus as well... and I'm betting good coin that if they -didn't-, you'd cut the ties smartly to protect what you and Carol have... and THAT is why this works for you and Carol, where it might not work in another person's situation.

Calla

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 7/15/2010 8:49:54 AM >

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: polyamory - 7/15/2010 10:40:15 AM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		I can offer the closetofdarkness or the basementofdarkness, both accompanied by much weeping.

There is also the clotheshamperofdarkness and the suitcaseofdarkness, but only a really small person could fit in either of those....




OP: Sounds like a bait and switch. Leave him.

Pat him on the hand and say apologetically that its just too, too bad that he no longer suits your needs, but its been fun. Then leave and don't look back. You'll have rid yourself of someone who isn't compatible with you, and then you'll be able to pair up with someone whose needs and desires match up well with yours- and who's not a jerk.

_____________________________

Download SLAVE LOVER. Explicit BDSM porn, with a plot! A love story, on a FemDom planet! http://www.amazon.com/Slave-Lover-Chronicles-Book-ebook/dp/B0031ERBLI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261973416&sr=1

(in reply to Jeffff)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: polyamory - 7/15/2010 10:42:30 AM   
DarlingSavage


Posts: 2808
Joined: 9/18/2009
Status: offline 		Well, I just spent a HalfHourof Darkness with the SudokuofDarkness and a ChaiofDarkness.  It was very dark, indeed.

_____________________________

<-- Easily amused.
<-- Easily impressed.

Strangers have the BEST candy!

Puppy dogs are my favorite people!


(in reply to dreamerdreaming)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: polyamory - 7/15/2010 10:44:27 AM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		You were in the darknessofdarkness? My, you are brave!

Was there much weeping?

_____________________________

Download SLAVE LOVER. Explicit BDSM porn, with a plot! A love story, on a FemDom planet! http://www.amazon.com/Slave-Lover-Chronicles-Book-ebook/dp/B0031ERBLI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261973416&sr=1

(in reply to DarlingSavage)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: polyamory - 7/15/2010 11:12:17 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		Dame Calle:

Very well said, all of it. On top of that is the ever-present decade and a half of experience that Carol has with me. In this specific example, that experience leads her to believe (wisely) that whatever it is that I am doing, I must believe it will work out well for me/her/us or I wouldn't be doing it. For us, at least, trust issues tend to be overcome readily. One of my most treasured gem's of wisdom from collarme comes from Merc

We both serve the relationship.


@Slaveluci
In a sense, you are correct. If we define "natural wiring" as "that which cannot be changed", then Carol has some of that and it cannot be changed. Once, at least, I tried to give a command which was against her natural wiring and that command was rejected thoroughly and decisively. I tried to tell her to stop being my slave. I know it's a weird example, but it does prove your point to a degree. If I ever tried to command Carol to serve me but I was taking love out of the equation, that command would fail also.

The question, with Carol, is what exactly IS that natural wiring. I can tell you that based on my experience, it is not very similar to other people's. For instance, while she has preferences for monogamous and straight, neither is a part of her "natural wiring" one way or the other. Neither of those things is a part of her "unalterable core". My comment to porcelaine was an effort to point out that it's not really reasonable to paint one person's "natural wiring" onto everyone else and assume that's the way it is.

None of that, however, helps the OP because the OP's situation is very different from that of Carol's and mine.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: polyamory - 7/15/2010 1:05:56 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

The question, with Carol, is what exactly IS that natural wiring. I can tell you that based on my experience, it is not very similar to other people's. For instance, while she has preferences for monogamous and straight, neither is a part of her "natural wiring" one way or the other. Neither of those things is a part of her "unalterable core". My comment to porcelaine was an effort to point out that it's not really reasonable to paint one person's "natural wiring" onto everyone else and assume that's the way it is.


Jeff,

No, your point to me was the fact that I have an admitted bias towards individuals that are engaging in poly at the behest of their owner. And if I prefer someone that has an innate desire for such that is not based upon him that is my right to do so. In truth, I would rather relate with someone with a natural inclination to the dynamic that I'm not in possession of. As such, I learn something from her that I would not glean from the other person that required prodding like yours truly. There was never an attempt to do what you stated, I simply know my wiring and spoke forthrightly about what works best for me. Since it is opposed to the reality you've come to know in your own dynamic you disagreed.

~porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: polyamory - 7/15/2010 2:34:55 PM   
DarlingSavage


Posts: 2808
Joined: 9/18/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming

You were in the darknessofdarkness? My, you are brave!

Was there much weeping?


No, we are quite comfortable in the dark, until we need to see what we're doing, that is.  But, as your typical creature of the dark and child of the night, I am not afraid of the dark!  So, I won't cry, cause I'm a big girl now.


_____________________________

<-- Easily amused.
<-- Easily impressed.

Strangers have the BEST candy!

Puppy dogs are my favorite people!


(in reply to dreamerdreaming)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: polyamory - 7/15/2010 2:44:11 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		@porcelaine:

I stand corrected. Here, have a peeled grape. :)

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: polyamory - 7/15/2010 4:15:50 PM   
NymphetamineGirl


Posts: 55
Joined: 11/29/2009
Status: offline 		All I can say about AQuietSimpleMan's post is:

<applause>

(in reply to AQuietSimpleMan)
Profile   Post #: 40
Page:   <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: polyamory Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094