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Any suggestions from Dommes for online screening process? - 4/16/2006 12:18:59 PM

Proprietrix

Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
Status: offline

Ladies,

I'd like some input.

I'm thinking about having *almost* a set "protocol" (ritual/screening process/insert appropriate word here), for submissives/slaves who are contacting me via the internet, looking for the opportunity to be mine. It would be for subs/slaves who might be interested in taking the next step forward of meeting. Let me reword that.... subs/slaves who *proclaim* they might be interested in taking the next step forward of meeting. (Because I would also use this as a way to weed out the infamous "players".)

I get a great deal of emails that say something to the extent of: "Hi Ma'am. I read your profile and I'd love to have the opportunity to serve you. I don't know what I'm supposed to say to a Mistress. I can send you a pic if you want." I don't want to just dismiss these emails as newbies and players. (Frankly, I have no problem with taking the time to train newbies anyway.) But I also don't want to take the time to sit and reply to 5-10 emails a day that could potentially be a waste of time every day. My time is important, but emails such as the one above, I feel, deserve a bit more consideration than the ones that are blatantly form letters or blatantly people who didn't read my profile.

It's still just a thought I'm tossing around in my head, but it would be something like having them write a statement about their beliefs/expectations/principals in the lifestyle... or a checklist (not that kinky/fetish interest list floating around, but more like a checklist about power exchange dynamics. i.e. looking for 24/7, live-in, weekends, etc...)...

These are a few thoughts I've had. Still plenty of brainstorming to do.
Do any of you Ladies have a similar (or even dissimilar) process for those who are showing an interest in being in your service, but still at the online contact phase?
Feedback?
Examples?
Thanks :)
~ Miss P.

Post #: 1

RE: Any suggestions from Dommes for online screening pr... - 4/16/2006 12:47:55 PM

KarbonCopy

Posts: 779
Status: offline

How about trying to find someone in real life. Try a bar.

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Post #: 2

RE: Any suggestions from Dommes for online screening pr... - 4/16/2006 12:52:48 PM

JohnWarren

Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline

Sounds as if you want a form reply letter. Since the needs/expectations/requirements are unique to the individual dominant, I suspect the best advice is for you to write it yourself.

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(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 3

RE: Any suggestions from Dommes for online screening pr... - 4/16/2006 12:55:22 PM

Proprietrix

Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KarbonCopy
How about trying to find someone in real life. Try a bar.

I do find people offline also. I didn't mean to project that I strictly look online. (not sure in fact that I did project such an idea or if you assumed.) The internet is only one of many mediums used to communicate with new people.
And bars really aren't my scene at all. I don't frequent them, nor do I care to start.

But thank you anyway for your input.

(in reply to KarbonCopy)

Post #: 4

RE: Any suggestions from Dommes for online screening pr... - 4/16/2006 12:58:36 PM

subboi2006

Posts: 6
Joined: 2/25/2006
Status: offline

i as a submissive that is truly seeking a Mistress to serve would be very appreiciative of at least an acknowledgement of an email that was sent. i understand in You believe that i am not worthy or the situation would not work but i think just a short note or even the auto reply would at least be polite. This is not a polite lifestyle most of the time but even submissives have feelings and would take comfort in just a quick note to say "not interested"

(in reply to JohnWarren)

Post #: 5

RE: Any suggestions from Dommes for online screening pr... - 4/16/2006 12:58:49 PM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

If they aren't local, doesn't that pretty much put them at the bottom of the pile? Unless you are prepared to share in the costs to get them to you. Here are the fastest ways I have found to shorten the list:

1) If they are local, set up a personal meeting in a public place immediately.
2) Make your first letter to them include a lot of essay questions that will take time and thought. Those that are lazy will not want to take time to complete it.
3) Set up a telephone call as next step.

Sadly, you will still meet a lot of people that you invest a lot of time in, and they still do vanish right when things are looking good. You have to be prepared to invest a LOT of time in the process.

Akasha

_____________________________

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Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 6

RE: Any suggestions from Dommes for online screening pr... - 4/16/2006 1:22:13 PM

Proprietrix

Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
2) Make your first letter to them include a lot of essay questions that will take time and thought. Those that are lazy will not want to take time to complete it.

Thank you Akasha.

That is exactly the kind of thing I'm thinking about. I'm just not real sure what kinds of questions to include.

On the one hand, I don't want to come across as "I'm ready to jump into a relationship with you!!!!" by asking if they are looking for 24/7 service.
But on the other hand, I do want them to understand that the relationships I'm looking for will have the goal of eventually being live-in relationships.

I like to spend as little time possible corresponding back and forth on line, but I've realized it's a bit unrealistic to set up coffee dates for each and every person that emails me. I guess I'm looking for a good way of finding out as much as possible about a sub/slave as I can before that initial meeting. But without the constant emailing back and forth daily for weeks/months.

JohnWarren suggested maybe I'm thinking of a form reply letter. I think that's really close to what I'm thinking about

, but it would include questions the sub/slave could answer so I can get to know them.

Wow, if they took the time to answer, I could even print it out and read it while I'm working or in the tub, or stuck in traffic.

But I don't want to come across as being cold or insensitive by pretty much handing them an "application".
Does anyone think that would be coming across as cold and insensitive?

I'm really open to lots of suggestions and feedback on this because meeting people via the internet, for a potential realtime relationship, is a somewhat new experience for me. I live in a small town, and although I understand that someone clear across the country is *probably* not going to pan out, at least online I can communicate with subs/slaves in nearby larger cities who might only be a few hours drive away.

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 7

RE: Any suggestions from Dommes for online screening pr... - 4/16/2006 1:34:08 PM

JohnWarren

Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Proprietrix
But I don't want to come across as being cold or insensitive by pretty much handing them an "application".
Does anyone think that would be coming across as cold and insensitive?

A lot would depend on the tone of the letter. I'd think a simple "I get so much email from potential submissives that I'd like to give you a chance to separate you from the pack" tone would keep it from seeming cold

_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 8

RE: Any suggestions from Dommes for online screening pr... - 4/16/2006 2:25:29 PM

mistressrose10

Posts: 56
Joined: 3/15/2006
Status: offline

I like Akasha's approach, except that I wouldn't set up a meeting immediately if they are local.Soon -after speaking to them on the phone and determining if I want to do a face to face interview.In regards to asking essay type questions, I think that's an excellent idea.One of the things that I do is ask for a contact number if I'm interested.I know there is a need for caution and a sub might be confused and hesitant but accommodating my reqest to speak to him on the phone is a good sign, if he refuses then he's out.We will not get anywhere if he refuses and if he disappears after my request, I feel rid of another time waster.
I always ask questions about a sub's past experiences and how he finds my profile relevant to him.If he is unable to relate his response to specifics in my ad, that's not a good sign.I found one so- called sub who never followed protocol in addressing me as he was supposed to and it turned out that he was just another game player into kinky sex, who was unable to keep up his pretense for very long.I don't know of a fool proof way to weed out the fakes and to determine exactly who the other person is online but listening well and asking pointed questions relevant to your needs are very important-don't forget to ask about his vanilla interests as well as this will help to determine his personality as well.

< Message edited by mistressrose10 -- 4/16/2006 2:29:05 PM >

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 9

RE: Any suggestions from Dommes for online screening pr... - 4/16/2006 2:35:32 PM

Proprietrix

Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
Status: offline

Thank you mistressrose10!
Great suggestions! And a few things I didn't think of.

I'm very appreciative to everyone who is offering suggestions and examples. I think I'll begin working on a "form letter" of sorts, and start implementing the great ideas others are offering.

(in reply to mistressrose10)

Post #: 10

RE: Any suggestions from Dommes for online screening pr... - 4/16/2006 2:55:53 PM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline

When I had an active profile I was pretty detailed in what I was seeking and what I was not. I also gave specific instructions regarding an introductory email, information on how to address Me, and guidelines regarding certain information that should be included (i.e relocatatability, and why? why? why? along with why Me?)
That said, it didn't work! *Smile*
But I do always look at every email, and I often (depending on the content of the email) also check the profile of the sender, and if I reply, I again ask why and other open ended questions.
As Aakasha said, it really does weed them out. Often I do not hear back (that finishes them, because it is too much work), or they tell Me they don't know, but they are willing to do anything. They also try to wheedle a telephone call or try to get Me into a private chat mode. That doesn't work either.
Open ended questions along with a suggestion that they read My posts on the boards (yes, more work for them) usually does the trick. They either figure out that the picture they thought matched their fantasies is actually not a little sex doll looking for a body to abuse, or they realize that they are not the one for Me. Also, if local, a fairly quick public meeting...I do insist on that. Most die on the vine with that expectation.
I hate to have to do it that way, but it is the only thing that has worked for Me.
In the meantime, the same boys who complain they can never find anyone, are also the boys who never come to a casual meeting (munch) for coffee and talk. Their loss.
I don't go to bars, either.

*Edited to add: I don' have a stock, copy and paste reply. I do tailor it to the individual sender, but the idea is the same. I do want to know why they choose Me and what they think submission means to them.

< Message edited by GoddessDustyGold -- 4/16/2006 2:58:25 PM >

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
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Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
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(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 11

RE: Any suggestions from Dommes for online screening pr... - 4/16/2006 3:01:40 PM

gooddogbenji

Posts: 5094
Joined: 11/15/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline

To add the perspective of a sub/slave (or however you want to define me

):

I think something of this nature is not only a good idea, but from what I understand of the e-mails Dommes get, absolutely necessary to weed some people out.

However, if I sent a heartfelt message to a Domme, and got back a form letter, I may be offended, or simply turned off. As John Warren said, it would depend on the tone and quite probably my mood.

To me, a few things would matter:
At this point, if I wrote a good initial message, I have asked a few quesions. Are those answered in the reply? A Domme who does not answer my questions even in brief, but expects me to write essays would have me thinking twice.
Are there demands for personal information I would not want to give out at that point? Full name, address, telephone number, perhaps even pictures can be compromising, and no matter how well a profile is written, I have no way of knowing whether this is not some (smart & articulate) kid messing around.
Is there a gracious way to bow out of certain questions? Obviously, if someone bows out of all of them, it's a sign, but I may not want to answer certain things before knowing a Domme more.

But on the whole, if I wrote You a message, and got back a message along the lines of:

"Hello benji,

Thanks for your message, and for taking time for me. Here are the answers you wanted:
.......

Now, if you still think you're interested, I have a couple of questions I send to everyone. Please understand that I get a lot of messages, and so I don't have the time to ask these one at a time. If there's any you don't want to answer, just skip them.
.......

Thanks for taking time to answer them!

Proprietrix"

I would understand, but know that You also put more effort into it than a quick copy and paste. You would weed out people out for a quick laugh, but not scare off people who are worried about privacy, and You would not seem rude.

As to the immediate meeting, I think a phone call first would do it. I know I would first want all of my questions answered before we meet.

That's only the opinion of one sub, and not an experienced one at that.

Yours,

benji

_____________________________

Prevent global warming. Stop burning patchouli.

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 12

RE: Any suggestions from Dommes for online screening pr... - 4/16/2006 7:24:29 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

Yes, I do have such a process and it applies whether or not the potential is online or offline. Part of that process is on my website in fact.

There are several steps I need to go through and I think its important for me to word it like that: this is what I have to do, it has nothing to do with anything personal about the potential and no exceptions will be made.

The first steps are pretty simple: talk and get to know each other more.

Then comes the talking to Fox via email -- he's honest and he'll answer questions as well and give him his valuable impressions of the potential.

Then I'll require a formal application. If that meets my standards (95% can't follow directions so that's an easy cut) we meet face-to-face in my town at a place of my choosing with no promise of anything other than a meal and talking.

Then we talk some more and see what we both thought.

If that all works, we arrange a one-time scene to feel each other out on that level.

If that works, I offer a standard (yet slightly negotiable) training contract. Training would last a minimum of 14 meetings prefereably once a week -- face-to-face.

After that we evaluate things and see if we wish to continue in some fashion. Most people have learned what they want and move on and we are friends.

Yes, Fox went through all of this over 6.5 years ago now.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 13

RE: Any suggestions from Dommes for online screening pr... - 4/17/2006 4:53:13 AM

MsSonnetMarwood

Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline

I have a one month rule when it comes to meeting people from online. Quite simply, they have one month from initial contact for me to meet with them face to face. Note that my three basic requirements to even consider meeting someone is that they are single, local to within 75 miles, and have some level of real time experience. Those 3 right there cut out a lot.

Basically after first contact, I expect regular (meaning 4-5 times per week) emails for about 2-3 weeks. If that goes well, talk on the phone for about an hour. If that goes well, meet for coffee within ONE week of talking on the phone. The only exception is sometimes my schedule is a little hectic (I go to school full time, work, hold an office in student leadership that requires regular attention, and have an internship right now. Still, I have time to drive 70 miles one way to a munch tonight).

It's simple, and effective. I do explain this process to those contacting me who meet the basic 3. If they aren't ready to deal with moving from online to real time, then it's certainly too fast for them. However, it also works for me because I don't care to really invest much of "me" on online interactions - I'd rather meet someone face to face and get to know them that way.

Otherwise they can always show up at a local munch that I go to and introduce themselves.

< Message edited by MsSonnetMarwood -- 4/17/2006 4:55:21 AM >

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~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 14

RE: Any suggestions from Dommes for online screening pr... - 4/17/2006 6:06:25 AM

MsDominiquenz

Posts: 65
Joined: 4/1/2006
Status: offline

Hello Proprietrix.
I think your thoughts are good ones, and some form of testing is a great idea to make sure you are not ignoring a good potential, or wasting your time with a wanabe.
I think your idea of an information request is fine, and putting together your questions will reflect what you seek or require, so any genuine sub applicant will be happy to talk about themselves.

Because its not all about them I think its a good idea to have a little website.. some pics and some musings or info on you, then during a conversation or email contact/question list time, you can slip in questions about you. Then you will know if they are researching you (as you are doing) to get to know something of who they say they are wishing to apply to.
Pop in there things that please you and see if they register these things. A sub wishing to please and attract your attention will know what these things are, and can answer your questions, if they havent bothered, you have your answer.

I think its about finding out if they are genuine about applying, or just blindy hoping an email will suffice, without putting any time into getting to know about you.
The initial email reply from you could include your url..from there see if they put any work into achieving what they say they want.
Best of luck with it, a great idea !

_____________________________

Be completely still, and listen from the inside.
www.mistressdominiquenz.com
The Dungeon ~ Forum and Chat.

(in reply to MsSonnetMarwood)

Post #: 15

RE: Any suggestions from Dommes for online screening pr... - 4/17/2006 6:18:55 AM

DiannaVesta

Posts: 1087
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Mid-Atlantic area
Status: offline

I bet you get many points of view on this. It’s a personal issue where everyone has an agenda, no doubt. It’s hard to understand each others feelings on this subject. Most people would never understand the amount of request we get or how selfish and thoughtless many of those request are. Even though I outline specific things in my profile I STILL get cut and paste forum request with, “Hi Mistress, I want to be your slave”.

I have dealt with this for years & being a high profile Domina I have spent countless hours in email hell. Very few make it to my threshold and if they do they have jumped through many hoops. IMO if they can’t do this BEFORE they make a commitment to me then they will not during our relationship. I already know that I am a very demanding woman. I will not beg, bend or pacify a sub that isn’t sure about what he wants. I also won’t play games.

I also won’t meet with someone I don’t know and I am very careful about giving out my phone number. I have had guys follow me, threaten me & gain all kinds of personal info. It’s truly amazing how a sweet passive male can turn into a vicious horrible person when they don’t get what they want. If they don’t meet your standards I don’t believe you should ever have to settle or have them turn on you. I’ve been accused of all kinds of things by people I’ve never met. I can’t tell you how many times I got an email from a lady who claims that a sub of hers served me once & I had no idea who the guy was.

Caution is imperative. Take your time. In fact time is the only real way to meter if the male is sincere or not. I have my own way & I don’t expect anyone to agree with it. The fact that I am a high profile Domina is another reason I set some of these rules. It’s what works for me. It may not be the right thing for others.

Let me note that if possible it’s best to meet people through groups. Develop a network of others and get to know friends. This is the best way to meet people if you’re in an area that offers this and you have the time.

I read every email. If it’s lengthy and looks like a copy and paste then I delete it BUT if he used my name correctly and the letter is personal I will read it. I look to see where he is located. I don’t completely write out long distance because I have had subs relocate to me & I do have very close sub friends who I enjoy spending time with on a part time basis.

My thing is fem supremacy & I don’t offer the typical one on one monogamous mistress/slave relationship. I am clear about my expectations. I also want them to write an essay about fem supremacy and what they feel is important to me and at what capacity they will serve me. I may then give him task such as emailing every morning at 6am to wish me a good morning and tell me about the previous day. He must do this every single day for as long as I decide. We will exchange emails and perhaps chat online. Later we may speak on the phone but before we do I must know his name and more about him. It may take months before I will agree to meet him. Even then our contact is limited. If I allow him to come over he is given task to do. Playing with someone is very sacred to me & special. I would never invite someone over and just “do it.” The act of submission is what turns me on and even though I may show interested in email and on the phone I must feel the dynamic in action. Nothing is more of a turn off to me then a sub who shows up at my door expecting to be whipped and spanked for cleaning my house.

I believe that if a man really wants to experience me he will set his sights and focus on a diligent plan. Only a very strong and capable man can do this or is willing to take the time. He will subjugate, humiliate, grovel and beg for the chance. As crazy as this may sound to most people, THIS is exactly what I seek & what makes my blood boil. Its worth the wait and time.

GDV

_____________________________

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 16

RE: Any suggestions from Dommes for online screening pr... - 4/17/2006 12:02:26 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

I tend to agree with the beautiful Goddess Dianna on this. Though I am not interested.....at least not right nowwww......in having any males around, I am still very very careful who I let into my inner circle. In today's age of technical wizardry I am quite aware that if I give someone my phone number they can find out way more about me than I may want them to know. While I don't mind who knows about my unique life choices I have family and friends that do not need to be confronted with any crazed rejected women determined to get into my life and gain my attentions thru whatever means their feverish little minds can come up with. I prefer to proceed with great caution and make them WORK for it! AND on MY terms not theirs!

(in reply to DiannaVesta)

Post #: 17

RE: Any suggestions from Dommes for online screening pr... - 4/17/2006 12:48:48 PM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

good luck....I found the application process to be very helpful myself, a form letter, Q&A, essays, tasks and rituals, and 2x daily status check ins....all before a phone call.

The types of questions to ask is really your personal preferance....ask yourself what do you want to know?

Also I found the quality of boys on here, Bondage and esp. Alt. to be not nearly as good as running an ad on Craigslist...which surprised me.

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 18

RE: Any suggestions from Dommes for online screening pr... - 4/17/2006 1:06:02 PM

HayaSierra

Posts: 119
Joined: 4/7/2005
From: In Georgia
Status: offline

Greetings to all, especially the OP,

Yes, this task can seem daunting at first, because there are SOO many people here who contact one, and most of them are NOT going to be a match. This is a sad fact of life, including that most of them do not even borther to read your profile. As such, here is my advice.

First: Be clear in your profile of exactly what are you seeking. Include both any limitations on locations (For instance, overseas, all of your country, or only locally). Are you seeking part-time or full-time. Are you seeking males, females and/or transexuals? Are you into any specific fetishes -- for instance sissification or cuckholding? Are you excluding those with fetishes -- let them know -- hey I don't deal with adult babies and those who are into puppy play for any reason whatsoever.... but if you are into footworship lets talk turkey! Let them know if you seek only one slave/servant, or more than one. Let them know if you are high or low protocol...for instance -- is it as simple as kneel to me when you see me, or as complex as having specific rituals that are used in day to day life? Are you seeking to own completely -- or after partial control as well? There are many many things that you can specify -- for instance -- must the servant know how to cook or do you love to cook yourself? Must he or she love a cat, because you have one? The more you can let them know the better.

Then, include something in your profile that states exactly what is required for a first contact e-mail. I use a phrase in my cultural language tucked within my profile that if they offer up in their e-mail shows me they actually read my profile. If they don't do that, these days I send them BACK to my profile to try again.

Then I have an application form. If I can tell by their letter that they absolutely don't match -- I'm into Fetish X and am seeking weekend service only -- I will let them know politely and wish them a good search. If they look like they could fit, I send them an application form, complete with further information and let them look around the Domsub site a bit. This explains it more in detail. If they take the time to fill out the application they will realize from the questions posed and the info posted what will be required of them as my slave or servant.

I'm not perfect yet with it, but I have found via time and experience that even newbies can follow this process, and by having one of mine help with questions about the form and with questions about serving in general -- this will help people who are applying to know if this is for them or not. :).

Hope this has helped.....

Haya Sierra ---

_____________________________

Haya Sierra
Haya Of Ka Azdor Estate --
http://groups.msn.com/Domsub/
Basic Information about the Hanian System of D/s

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 19

RE: Any suggestions from Dommes for online screening pr... - 4/17/2006 1:17:56 PM

HayaSierra

Posts: 119
Joined: 4/7/2005
From: In Georgia
Status: offline

Greetings,

benji wrote about questions:

Yes, I make it a point to answer questions where and when I can. Also I try to take the good ones and am working slowly into making them part of an FAQ that I can post for everyone to see. So a slave/submissive who asks me questions is STILL helping me. In fact, even when I send the application form along, I still include that I welcome questions of all sorts. As for the things I tend to request from people are not things that can do them harm, and I will negotiate on things with someone who is a pretty good fit for me -- in regards to what I expect out of them, because going through the steps to apply and be put under my consideration DO take some time.

Haya Sierra ---

_____________________________

Haya Sierra
Haya Of Ka Azdor Estate --
http://groups.msn.com/Domsub/
Basic Information about the Hanian System of D/s

(in reply to gooddogbenji)

Post #: 20

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