Is it comparatively hard for you to terminate a d/s relationship? (Full Version)

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Spartacus25 -> Is it comparatively hard for you to terminate a d/s relationship? (7/18/2010 8:46:07 PM)

Because of the unique dynamic involved I was curious if it was harder for you to walk away from a failing d/s based relationship than a vanilla one.

I would appreciate it if you identified your orientation while responding.



submissivemale22 -> RE: Is it comparatively hard for you to terminate a d/s relationship? (7/18/2010 8:53:08 PM)

that has been my experience. then again, i suck at breaking off any relationship. i hate disappointing, so my blueprint is typically to try to turn a girl off by saying ridiculous things, and acting generally unacceptable in the hopes that she will recognize she can do better than me and end it (thereby giving her some sort of self-esteem boost). if that doesn't work (and believe it or not, going to a mode with complete lack of inhibitions has often backfired), then i just have to go cold and stop returning contact attempts. after a while they typically get the idea.


(oh, and as far as orientation- if the name didnt completely give me away i am 'submissive')



littlewonder -> RE: Is it comparatively hard for you to terminate a d/s relationship? (7/18/2010 9:07:55 PM)

all relationships are hard to walk away no matter what you wanna call them..makes zero difference. People are stiill people. There are still real human involved with real emotions. Bdsm doesn't change that at all.



porcelaine -> RE: Is it comparatively hard for you to terminate a d/s relationship? (7/18/2010 9:11:05 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Spartacus25

Because of the unique dynamic involved I was curious if it was harder for you to walk away from a failing d/s based relationship than a vanilla one.

I would appreciate it if you identified your orientation while responding.


I'm a slave.

While a parting of ways is unfortunate, it is often a necessity when the relationship has failed to provide what the parties seek or has taken a turn for the worst. Although I'm intertwined with my partner I am always cognizant of my ability to walk away on some level. This doesn't suggest that it happens overnight, but I have a marked ambivalence about being subjected to real abuse and the ramifications that follow should that occur. It is commonly echoed by some that leaving is not a possibility as a result of enslavement, but my views on slavery rarely coincide with theirs. Nor do I require the strongholds they've articulated to keep me fettered.

In my opinion it's a fallacy to believe that everything is handed over when ownership commences. It is and always will be a continuum that allows him to invade my person and bring my thoughts and behavior under subjection. For these reasons and more the inability to leave would constitute a compromised mind coupled with a show of force that made it clear that it was no longer an option worth considering. I view can't as it is generally stated as more appropriately articulated as, "based on the current dynamic I have no compelling reason to change my station at this time." Alter the situation or invite elements in that prove dangerous and a different answer may arise. The authority bestowed can and is reclaimed when the relationship is no longer profitable for either party.

~porcelaine



Spartacus25 -> RE: Is it comparatively hard for you to terminate a d/s relationship? (7/18/2010 9:11:10 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

all relationships are hard to walk away no matter what you wanna call them..makes zero difference. People are stiill people. There are still real human involved with real emotions. Bdsm doesn't change that at all.


as a point of reference, how many d/s relationships have you terminated as an adult?



Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: Is it comparatively hard for you to terminate a d/s relationship? (7/18/2010 9:13:19 PM)

There were  2 relationships I didn't find hard to walk away from, once I had decided to do so, One relationship it was as easy as  saying, it's over find someone else to beg you for your time I am done. I literally said that.

Of course, maybe it was hard in its own way, because I did cry a lot and it hurt a lot, but once I reached that cold calm place in me that didn't give a rats ass, It was easy. I then took a week to be alone, and then started dating Daddy. Of course  I wouldn't of taken it that fast if I hadn't already mourned the loss of my last bf, long long before things finally ended.
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

all relationships are hard to walk away no matter what you wanna call them..makes zero difference. People are stiill people. There are still real human involved with real emotions. Bdsm doesn't change that at all.



littlewonder -> RE: Is it comparatively hard for you to terminate a d/s relationship? (7/18/2010 9:15:25 PM)

I've been in 2 other long term relationships before my current one. Both were just as hard to terminate and as for whether they were d/s...depends on what you consider that. I only date men who are dominant in personality whether they've ever heard of bdsm or not. I don't categorize. I simply am in a relationship with a man who happens to be a dominant personality.




sunshinemiss -> RE: Is it comparatively hard for you to terminate a d/s relationship? (7/18/2010 9:16:12 PM)

Yes, it was harder for me.  I had been conditioned to be very needy, very dependent. (My own fault for getting in that kind of relationship).  Took over a year to get past it, and sadly, some things can't be undone, but now?  Nope.  I also don't jump in with both feet anymore.

best,
sunshine



candisa -> RE: Is it comparatively hard for you to terminate a d/s relationship? (7/18/2010 9:38:33 PM)

I always tend to hang in there way to long, trying over and over to  gain and seek their approval. I have a strong need to want to make things better, rise up to where I need to be in their eyes. Wanting to show I can be all the things that person needs, I have a tendency of enduring way to much emotional abuse.I despise failing or failure, and hate it when I am walking on eggshells. I absolutely believe you should be able to communicate anything out, if both parties are willing to listen, respect each other and make the proper changes to progress. Pretty much a ton of bricks will need to hit me in the head, (physical abuse) until I realize it's been a one way street, and I must walk away to protect my well being.   



lally2 -> RE: Is it comparatively hard for you to terminate a d/s relationship? (7/19/2010 12:37:27 AM)

i think its to do with love.  if you love someone its much harder to make the break in whatever relationship youre in.  i think Ds or Ms is slightly different though because the two of you might be fine as people who love each other, but its the actual BDSM activities or the manner in which the Ds or Ms relationship is run that can eventually wrag you out.  as a sub/slave it is harder to make those changes because its not really down to you to make them, its down to you to accept or ask for release and when communication makes no difference the time comes when you know you have to walk, even if you dont want to.



Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: Is it comparatively hard for you to terminate a d/s relationship? (7/19/2010 4:24:25 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
all relationships are hard to walk away no matter what you wanna call them..makes zero difference. People are stiill people. There are still real human involved with real emotions. Bdsm doesn't change that at all.

Why is it, that people have this misconception or illusion, that BDSMers have either More or Less emotional depth compared to Vanilla (none BDSM) people? WHY?

Grrrrrrr.....




sunshinemiss -> RE: Is it comparatively hard for you to terminate a d/s relationship? (7/19/2010 4:50:38 AM)

quote:

Why is it, that people have this misconception or illusion, that BDSMers have either More or Less emotional depth compared to Vanilla (none BDSM) people? WHY?


Hello Whiplash,

I didn't take the question in the way you interpreted it.  For me the question was whether the dynamic fostered dependence in a very different way for a submissive partner and whether the history of fostering that dependence in the submissive partner changes the dominant partner's mindset in respect to responsibility.   

I think there *can be* a difference, not due to the depth of emotions, but because of the outer dynamic.  At some point a submissive person can in fact lose the sense of self-permission to do something.  In that instance, it can be more difficult to make the "me" decision because of the conditioning to serve.  I wonder if it is more difficult for the dominant partner who may feel obligated to support the more submissive person in becoming more self-reliant as a part of the process of terminating a relationship.

Best,
sunshine 



lally2 -> RE: Is it comparatively hard for you to terminate a d/s relationship? (7/19/2010 5:41:26 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Whiplashsmile4

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
all relationships are hard to walk away no matter what you wanna call them..makes zero difference. People are stiill people. There are still real human involved with real emotions. Bdsm doesn't change that at all.

Why is it, that people have this misconception or illusion, that BDSMers have either More or Less emotional depth compared to Vanilla (none BDSM) people? WHY?

Grrrrrrr.....




i think the revolving door swings so fast here to be honest and that is partly to do with the BDSM elements involved.   emotional entanglement isnt always in the forefront of peoples minds when theyre needs very often are.

i think its true to say that for quite a few the eagerness to be Dominated or to Dominate takes precidence over compatibility in all other aspects of life.  particularly when there are many who are geographically challenged and when together the BDSM element takes over due to shortness of real time availablity to each other.

that may well be due to the internet and people who would never have met are now meeting.

but - if a relationship works on all levels and isnt just about the BDSM and Ds needs there is no particular reason why it should be more or less.



DesFIP -> RE: Is it comparatively hard for you to terminate a d/s relationship? (7/19/2010 6:35:59 AM)

Judging from what we see online, the assumption ought to be that bdsm relationships are much easier to walk away from. Because people do it with regularity.

Of course, what causes that is that the people with revolving door relationships, whether bdsm or vanilla, share certain characteristics: lack of self knowledge, live in fantasy, have unspoken expectations, have different love languages, lack relationship skills. Among a host of others.



CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Is it comparatively hard for you to terminate a d/s relationship? (7/19/2010 7:16:07 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Spartacus25

Because of the unique dynamic involved I was curious if it was harder for you to walk away from a failing d/s based relationship than a vanilla one.

I would appreciate it if you identified your orientation while responding.


I'm going to respond to this as someone who is, typically, outside the mainstream in how I handle things like this. I orient as dominant, though I've been on both sides of the kneel. It is -always- hard to have to end a potential relationship, and harder if that relationship has lasted over a long period of time. However, I haven't found it any more difficult just because there was an authority dynamic involved. Here's my reasoning:

If an authority-based dynamic is working well for everyone, there is no ongoing strain on the dynamic to keep it in place. However, when the relationship stops working, with authority dynamics there is usually also a discordance in the authority -- typically, the individual who has yielded authority begins taking that authority back in small ways long before the relationship actually -ends-... If I, as a dominant, notice that happening, I have two choices. I can either try to -force- the individual to re-capitulate, or I can allow the authority dynamic to begin its dissolution. My tendency is to allow growth and change to have their effect, and to smooth transitions as much as I'm able.

Most often, in my experience, it is the -romance- end of things that is harder to let go of than the authority end of things. I'm not romantically inclined, so I don't usually end up caught in that tangle. However, my experience is that this is something that is 'common ground' whether the relationship is authority-based or not.

If a relationship is not working, while it is difficult to be forthright about that, it is easier to catch the incompatibility early in the relationship and let everyone try again to try to find a more amenable situation. If things end before bitterness sets in, there is always the possibility of that happening without having to burn bridges. I have many friends and associates who were once either free members or servants in our household, and we still consider one another fondly and spend time together when we can. I even have an ex-husband with whom I have a wonderful relationship, despite the fact that we can't live together.

OTOH, if it is going to be nasty and hostile, you can often tell early on -- there are trust issues and a lot of "testing" of the dynamic and a lot of struggle -- it isn't organic... it feels like trying to cram that square peg in the round hole. For these relationships, the ending is often unpleasant, but it has seemed to me, over the years, that the anger is more a sense of frustration because things couldn't be turned into what was sought -- and it doesn't really matter whether it's the dominant party trying to force the submissive party to become something xhe's not, or whether it's the submissive party trying to manipulate the dominant party into shaping something that just doesn't feel right from the top side of the kneel. In most cases, the people who come out of these are bitter, angry, and frustrated -- and what's worse is that, many times, these hurt, angry, frustrated people take this pain and paste it on every relationship they get involved in from that point forward, and virtually -recreate- the dysfunction, or they're so afraid that they'll end up in another one of these situations that they hide themselves and never really -do- open up to the possibilities of the relationship, and it dies on the vine for lack of hope.

Frankly, the few really -bad- breakups I've gone through have been challenging but not devastating for me, regardless of the side of the kneel. When I see that it isn't working, I cut the ties, and I'm very direct about it. Sometimes, things just don't work, and I don't see the point in forcing something. Some see this as 'callous' and 'cruel' and 'unfeeling' -- but truthfully, it takes me a LONG time to invest myself in a relationship. I haven't had a relationship yet that wasn't going to work that I couldn't figure out by being brutally honest with myself early on, and then being completely forthright with the other person.

Now, that being said, I have quite a few affectionate/loving relationships that are NOT romantic relationships. These seem to weather changes to individuals and to the relationship very well, and we have, so far, managed to maintain close friendships and 'friend-with-benefits' relationships with some of the folks who have, for one reason or another, not stayed IN the House, but for whom the ending was peaceful and a natural extension of everyone's growth. We still enjoy the authority-based relationship, affection, etc., even though we're not "together"... I think that makes things easier, if you can end the parts that -aren't- working, but keep the things that are.

Hope this makes some sense.

Calla



CreativeDominant -> RE: Is it comparatively hard for you to terminate a d/s relationship? (7/19/2010 8:21:04 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Whiplashsmile4

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
all relationships are hard to walk away no matter what you wanna call them..makes zero difference. People are stiill people. There are still real human involved with real emotions. Bdsm doesn't change that at all.

Why is it, that people have this misconception or illusion, that BDSMers have either More or Less emotional depth compared to Vanilla (none BDSM) people? WHY?

Grrrrrrr.....


I'm going to echo sunshine miss somewhat...no one has implied that BDSMers have any more emotional depth than non-D/s/BDSM people.  In fact, I agree with des when she states:  "Judging from what we see online, the assumption ought to be that bdsm relationships are much easier to walk away from. Because people do it with regularity.
Of course, what causes that is that the people with revolving door relationships, whether bdsm or vanilla, share certain characteristics: lack of self knowledge, live in fantasy, have unspoken expectations, have different love languages, lack relationship skills. Among a host of others."

What HAS been stated in the message of most of these posts is that because of the interweaving of the D/s-related elements, it may be more difficult to walk away from a relationship that involves D/s/BDSM.  I see that as being due to not only the emotional involvement of the two people as a romantic couple BUT also due to the D/s dynamic they've created.

Of the 4 D/s relationships that I've been involved in, only one of them was relatively easy to walk away from and that was because she and I had structured it that way and because of circumstances that existed when we entered into it.  Even so, that is why I use the term "relatively"...because there've been so few instances in my adult life where I really wanted to walk away.  The other 3 D/s dynamics were not easy to see come to an end but it was certainly not because I felt any more emotional depth than a non-BDSM person.  My vanilla exes...going all the way back to when I was 18...would tell you that I feel things pretty deeply when I allow myself to feel them and depending on how I come to view that person.  That is why the end of each and every relationship has not broken my heart, though it's been torn open in some instances and scratched up pretty heavily in others.  The breaking of my heart has happened on very few occasions...2 times in non-D/s/BDSM circumstances, 2 times in D/s/BDSM circumstances.  The sad thing...to me...is that in one instance, communication would have made a hell of a lot of difference.  Even if with that communication, the relationship still would have ended...but I think some of the pain could have been lessened.




littlewonder -> RE: Is it comparatively hard for you to terminate a d/s relationship? (7/19/2010 3:42:34 PM)

Ya know I keep hearing how this "dynamic" changes the emotions of a sub, that it would be harder for her to give herself permission, yada yada yada.

I still don't get how the dynamic does that. Maybe I don't lose myself when I'm surrender, when I submit. I'm still me. I'm still in full mental capacity. Why would d/s change that?

I still hold by what I said..bdsm, d/s, power exhchanges, kinky sex, blah blah blah...doesn't change the fact that we're still the same as everyone else on this big blue planet. Relationships are difficult to walk away from no matter what name you want to give to it.

It's still two human beings who obviously care for one another.

If it's easy to walk away then it never was a relationship to begin with imo.



CreativeDominant -> RE: Is it comparatively hard for you to terminate a d/s relationship? (7/19/2010 3:54:47 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

Ya know I keep hearing how this "dynamic" changes the emotions of a sub, that it would be harder for her to give herself permission, yada yada yada.

I still don't get how the dynamic does that. Maybe I don't lose myself when I'm surrender, when I submit. I'm still me. I'm still in full mental capacity. Why would d/s change that?

I still hold by what I said..bdsm, d/s, power exhchanges, kinky sex, blah blah blah...doesn't change the fact that we're still the same as everyone else on this big blue planet. Relationships are difficult to walk away from no matter what name you want to give to it.

It's still two human beings who obviously care for one another.

If it's easy to walk away then it never was a relationship to begin with imo.

In all fairness, while there are undoubtedly some submissives who feel that way...they have to give themselves permission and all that...many do not. 

However, with that said...That does not mean that the entanglement of the D/s dynamic...the power structure, the entwining of whatever it is that is unique about THAT PARTICULAR D/s dynamic...does not make it more difficult for some dominants and some submissives.  Again, that doesn't make us any deeper emotionally or any more intellectually-oriented, it just adds a layer that does not exist within vanilla relationships. 

If it does not work that way for you...hooray.  For others, it is there. 



leadership527 -> RE: Is it comparatively hard for you to terminate a d/s relationship? (7/19/2010 4:12:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Spartacus25
Because of the unique dynamic involved I was curious if it was harder for you to walk away from a failing d/s based relationship than a vanilla one.
For me, how difficult it is to walk away from a relationship has to do with how heavily invested in it I am, not the particular way I'm invested.



juliaoceania -> RE: Is it comparatively hard for you to terminate a d/s relationship? (7/19/2010 4:29:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Spartacus25


quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

all relationships are hard to walk away no matter what you wanna call them..makes zero difference. People are stiill people. There are still real human involved with real emotions. Bdsm doesn't change that at all.


as a point of reference, how many d/s relationships have you terminated as an adult?


I have had two such relationships...the first one transitioned very easily into a second

My last relationship ended after much on and off again stretching it out. It was not easy to do, because I HIGHLY valued it. I gave everything I could to it. I still love the man, but I can honestly say it was not "harder" because of D/s. It was hard because of the time and energy invested and because we shared so much in common. It was hard because he was one of the few people I felt like I could never run out of things to talk about with. It was hard because of all that I experienced with him.... D/s does not make anything more "real" or "abiding" ...

The hardest break up for me was my divorce. I had to move past a relationship where we shared a child and had made vows. It was devastating to me on many levels and caused me several years of embitterment.

edited to add, I identify as a submissive




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