CallaFirestormBW
Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: Spartacus25
Because of the unique dynamic involved I was curious if it was harder for you to walk away from a failing d/s based relationship than a vanilla one.
I would appreciate it if you identified your orientation while responding.
I'm going to respond to this as someone who is, typically, outside the mainstream in how I handle things like this. I orient as dominant, though I've been on both sides of the kneel. It is -always- hard to have to end a potential relationship, and harder if that relationship has lasted over a long period of time. However, I haven't found it any more difficult just because there was an authority dynamic involved. Here's my reasoning:
If an authority-based dynamic is working well for everyone, there is no ongoing strain on the dynamic to keep it in place. However, when the relationship stops working, with authority dynamics there is usually also a discordance in the authority -- typically, the individual who has yielded authority begins taking that authority back in small ways long before the relationship actually -ends-... If I, as a dominant, notice that happening, I have two choices. I can either try to -force- the individual to re-capitulate, or I can allow the authority dynamic to begin its dissolution. My tendency is to allow growth and change to have their effect, and to smooth transitions as much as I'm able.
Most often, in my experience, it is the -romance- end of things that is harder to let go of than the authority end of things. I'm not romantically inclined, so I don't usually end up caught in that tangle. However, my experience is that this is something that is 'common ground' whether the relationship is authority-based or not.
If a relationship is not working, while it is difficult to be forthright about that, it is easier to catch the incompatibility early in the relationship and let everyone try again to try to find a more amenable situation. If things end before bitterness sets in, there is always the possibility of that happening without having to burn bridges. I have many friends and associates who were once either free members or servants in our household, and we still consider one another fondly and spend time together when we can. I even have an ex-husband with whom I have a wonderful relationship, despite the fact that we can't live together.
OTOH, if it is going to be nasty and hostile, you can often tell early on -- there are trust issues and a lot of "testing" of the dynamic and a lot of struggle -- it isn't organic... it feels like trying to cram that square peg in the round hole. For these relationships, the ending is often unpleasant, but it has seemed to me, over the years, that the anger is more a sense of frustration because things couldn't be turned into what was sought -- and it doesn't really matter whether it's the dominant party trying to force the submissive party to become something xhe's not, or whether it's the submissive party trying to manipulate the dominant party into shaping something that just doesn't feel right from the top side of the kneel. In most cases, the people who come out of these are bitter, angry, and frustrated -- and what's worse is that, many times, these hurt, angry, frustrated people take this pain and paste it on every relationship they get involved in from that point forward, and virtually -recreate- the dysfunction, or they're so afraid that they'll end up in another one of these situations that they hide themselves and never really -do- open up to the possibilities of the relationship, and it dies on the vine for lack of hope.
Frankly, the few really -bad- breakups I've gone through have been challenging but not devastating for me, regardless of the side of the kneel. When I see that it isn't working, I cut the ties, and I'm very direct about it. Sometimes, things just don't work, and I don't see the point in forcing something. Some see this as 'callous' and 'cruel' and 'unfeeling' -- but truthfully, it takes me a LONG time to invest myself in a relationship. I haven't had a relationship yet that wasn't going to work that I couldn't figure out by being brutally honest with myself early on, and then being completely forthright with the other person.
Now, that being said, I have quite a few affectionate/loving relationships that are NOT romantic relationships. These seem to weather changes to individuals and to the relationship very well, and we have, so far, managed to maintain close friendships and 'friend-with-benefits' relationships with some of the folks who have, for one reason or another, not stayed IN the House, but for whom the ending was peaceful and a natural extension of everyone's growth. We still enjoy the authority-based relationship, affection, etc., even though we're not "together"... I think that makes things easier, if you can end the parts that -aren't- working, but keep the things that are.
Hope this makes some sense.
Calla
_____________________________
***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"
"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer
|
Is it comparatively hard for you to terminate a d/s rel... - 
Profile
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread