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CreativeDominant -> RE: Fuck, fuck, fuck.. what have I done? (7/21/2010 8:19:58 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: BitaTruble
Okay, so there have been hundreds if not thousands of posts on these forums in which the major form of advice is block, delete and move on. All well and good when you are online and trying to escape from trolls, people who are just incompatible with you, scammers or what have you. I certainly have blocked my fair share, probably more than most, in an attempt to take responsibility for my own online experiences and keep to quality, education or things which have entertainment value to me.
Toes to toes though, it's not so easy to block and delete. If you are serious about BDSM or starting a life with a power dynamic, eventually you are going to find yourself alone, in a room with someone who has the power of life and death over you. (Is that too dramatic?) When I am tied up, gagged and unable to defend myself, all I have to keep me safe is the time I took *before* allowing myself to get into that position to use my instincts and my intellect so as to reassure myself that this person isn't going to do me harm. That's great and probably enough if I have common sense and good instincts. As has often been said here, common sense is not so common and not everyone has good instincts. Also, there are some folks that are so smooth at what they do that even a jaded old bird like me can be fooled for a while.. perhaps even long enough to allow myself to be put in a situation which is not conducive to my overall physical health and well-being.
In other words, you can fool all of the people some of the time and some of the people all of the time but you can't fool all of the people all of the time. It's that first phrase of which I am speaking. You can fool all of the people some of the time. I fall into that catagory. I can be fooled, not easily, not often.. but on occasion either my gut or intellect fail me and I don't see who is really in front of me. I see only the image of what they have represented because there are some folks out there that can actually wear a mask hiding their true selves for a very, very long time. Such would probably take a lot of time and effort but motivation and agenda have always been driving forces in much of human history.
So what do you do when you find yourself in that situation? When your gut and instinct have failed you and you are bound by someone who is dangerous to you? Besides physical restraints, there are mental and emotional restraints that are just as difficult (if not more so) to cast off so I am speaking asking about situations when you are already bound.. not what to do to prevent that from happening.
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure as the saying goes and that is usually very good advice but when you find yourself already ill, what's the cure since the oz of prevention wasn't already in place? When you are tied down, wearing that gag, can't scream for help .. do you just.. die? How do you fight that? How do you flee that?
Just putting this out there hoping that folks might share their perspectives and maybe one or two will see this and it will be their oz of prevention so they don't actually ever find themselves in a situation where they are all trussed up and what's going through their mind is a really bad fuck, fuck, fuck.. what have I done?
I put this in General BDSM because I would like to see input from any orientation or gender. Dominants are *all* the people, too, and can be mindfucked, fooled and led just the same as anyone else by a clever or devious mind with motivation and an agenda.
Interesting subject, bita. I wanted to focus my attention on the emotional side of your post, as it seems to me that most of the posters have addressed the physical aspect of dangerous situations. Yet I saw that you'd also noted situations in which the ties that bound you were not physical but emotional and mental. SexyRed mentioned this too... You also noted you wanted dominant perspective since we are people too and can be mindfucked.
IronBear mentioned this in his post about his second wife. Coincidentally, this is what happened with MY second wife. My mother took the money that my father had left her and left it to my brother and I. My ex convinced me that rather than take that money and do what I wanted to do with it...finish my hot rod...it would be much wiser to put that money aside for my kids college years. So, we took the money and set up CDs...in BOTH our names. The rest of the money was "wisely" put into our joint savings account. Well, just like IronBear, I trusted my ex to remember that the money in these accounts came from MY side of the family...MY mother...not her family or her work. I chose not to see the spiteful, greedy person beneath the mask of "good, caring, wonderful little S_ _ _ _ _". The day she filed divorce papers on me, she also filed a restraining order...and cleared out the savings account. I got half of it back but only half...and ironically that wound up going to pay bills that the judge said I alone was responsible for.
You'd think that the above would've made me leery to the point of driving every woman who came near me away OR that I would have become the type of man who began using women since "they're only interested in using us anyway, no matter what mask they put on". But no, luckily or unluckily...depending on how you look at it...I did not become that type of person though I did become more intense in my scrutiny.
My problem is that I tend to believe in this quote that was posted by another in this thread...A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. Fault me because I am, as someone very dear and very deep in my heart called me, the Eternal Optimist.
That optimism has led to emotional ties that have been difficult to unravel, at least from my side. Up til the last 10 years, I had always felt that the fact that these ties existed were proof of the "greatness" of certain relationships. Sadly, the way that both of my marriages ended and a couple of my D/s dynamics have ended have taught me that while there may have been great aspects to those relationships/dynamics, there were other aspects that only appeared great because of ...as bita put it...the mask that I did not want to see, or if seen did not want to look behind. The difficulty in seeing the mask sometimes lies in the fact that the mask=wearer is often not aware of their own mask and that makes it doubly difficult in that you become aware of it and they do not...because they do not feel they are wearing one...they are just "being me".
For me, seeing those masks has led to a bit of fraying of those ties, especially those with my ex-wife. That part has been difficult because my kids have not seen behind the mask or believe so deeply in their mother...and who can blame them completely for that?...that they don't see the manipulation or the conniving or the theft. And while I don't feel the need to hold that mask in place for them, I don't see the good in trying to rip it away.
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