RE: Fuck, fuck, fuck.. what have I done? (Full Version)

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lusciouslips19 -> RE: Fuck, fuck, fuck.. what have I done? (7/21/2010 9:12:50 AM)

Even when you are trying to be safe you can find yourself in a predicament. I told someone to get a mentor cause he was new and the "mentor' was worse. A cruel gay man coaching a newbie.So the top was topping the top and the top newbie was being forced to go harder than he wanted and I was being told to shut up and I didnt code out because I got into a little girl being victimized mind space so I got quiet. Till something snapped me out.

There were other predicaments I went to in addition to that one. I dont play anymore unless I am in a relationship.

All you can do is move on and learn from your mistakes.



mistoferin -> RE: Fuck, fuck, fuck.. what have I done? (7/21/2010 9:40:24 AM)

Yes he did. Due to his newness and lack of experience he was truly convinced by this "very experienced dominant" that what they were doing was a known and good method within the world of bdsm. Somewhere into it I believe that he began to understand the gravity of his error but he then lacked the strength to stand up to this other dominant. In the aftermath he was mortified by what he had done and begged my forgiveness and a chance to "make it up to me". He did not get either.

As for the other man, he was dealt with. I am told he learned some very valuable lessons. I did not prosecute. Most likely I should have, but I knew that every aspect of my life and lifestyle would be raked over the coals. This dominant was the first dominant that I had dated after the break with my ex Master of over 11 years and quite honestly, I really hadn't regained a firm footing from all of that yet. I simply did not have it within me to pursue it.



BitaTruble -> RE: Fuck, fuck, fuck.. what have I done? (7/21/2010 9:47:28 AM)

These responses have been amazing and I thank each and every one of you for them.

I have touched a time or two on the year 2009 on the emotional and mental roller-coaster that turned my whole world upside down but haven't delved too much into the minutia. I was ill-prepared for the reality of what took place during that year and hope it never repeats because it came real close to destroying the best relationship I have ever had in my life. I think it's important that things are shared but right now, I'm barely back into the right frame of mind after coming so close to an edge and being pretty scared of falling over it and *knowing* that there was no way in hell I was going to fly this time.. but fall. Teetering for that long.. over a year, was the hardest balancing act I've ever had to pull off and it's still a bit too fresh in my mind to look at it from an objective viewpoint much less be able to write about it extensively. Maybe later.

Himself and I are together. We're good. That's what matters right now but I'll be damned if at my age, with my background and longevity in BDSM & M/s if I don't feel just how tight those emotional and mental restraints are and, right now, I'm grateful for them because we *are* good and if they hadn't been in place, we might not even be a *we* right now. Neither of us did anything wrong.. it was just the circumstance in which we found ourselves but we got through it and like Malkinus stated, sometimes that's all you can do.. go through. I feel like I'm back in the sunshine now though and more appreciative of what we have than I ever have been before because this whole thing has brought us closer together even as it almost tore us apart.. well, tore me apart. I'm a wuss sometimes and I don't want to speak on this issue for Himself because that's his story to tell, not mine but I can say.. he likes me way better in the sunshine. ::chuckles::







mistoferin -> RE: Fuck, fuck, fuck.. what have I done? (7/21/2010 10:01:17 AM)

I'd like to also comment on the aspect of being emotionally bound to someone who is a danger to you. Sometimes those bonds can indeed be far greater than the physical...and sometimes the resulting damage can be astronomically greater and take far longer to recover from. I have been in that situation too. The bonds between us were formed in good times...our world was a blissfully perfect place for a lot of years before they took a turn. Those bonds kept me in that place for far longer than I ever should have been there. Some of us "just go through" and make it out the other side....some of us don't. I can tell you that those bonds were harder to break than anything that I have ever had to do in my lifetime...and the scars will last forever.

I am taking the easy way out and re-posting something that I wrote and posted nearly two years ago. It at least provides a glimpse. I'm sorry, but even today I just don't have it in me to sit down here and go over it all again and bring up all those memories....but I think you will get an idea from this. I was hopelessly bound to him. Every thought, every action, every breath...:

quote:

If you are with a broken person, don't fool yourself into thinking that you can fix them. It's a terrible responsibility to put on yourself. It's a terrible responsibility to expect someone to take on for you. If you are broken, only you can fix you. Yes, you may need to reach out to others for help and support...but the ultimate responsibility is on you. In power exchange relationships we sometimes view our responsibility to our partners at an even higher level. I have heard so many dominant/Masters express that they are responsible for their sub/slaves. I have seen so many sub/slaves who place the responsibility for their partners happiness or well being on their own shoulders. While we do indeed have a responsibilty TO each other, we are not responsible FOR each other.

It's easy to get caught up in that trap, especially when it is someone that we love. Especially when we have that component of our own personalities that wants to be helpful, to be needed. I know, I've been there and done it myself. Even when rationally I knew better.

We buried my ex Master this weekend. He hung himself last Thursday. His demons ended up the victor. I feel like I've been gutted. For 16 years he has been such a huge part of my life. Our relationship officially changed from that of a couple to one of best of friends 5 years ago but that didn't change how much we meant to each other. He was my family.

He was an alcoholic who enjoyed some very extended periods of sobriety. For the first 8 years of our relationship he was sober and life was amazing. Then came the crash. Three more years of profound devastation. He was my Master. I lived and breathed for him. I HAD to fix him. I HAD to carry him through. I tried to fight his battle with every weapon I had...and even some I just made up along the way. I was determined that I would not lose him to this beast. This beast that transformed him from the wise, caring and compassionate man that I loved...into the unrecognizable violent, cold and heartless stranger who didn't care about anyone or anything....least of all himself. There were periods on tranquil lucidity, moments of clarity. I clung to them. They renewed my strength and gave me hope. But they became fewer....and farther apart. Life became a blur of emergency rooms and visitation rooms at the local jail. Eventually the decision had to be made. None of us were going to survive. As a matter of self preservation I had to throw in the towel and admit defeat.

My leaving was the catalyst for another year of sobriety for him....that and the ultimatum given him by the state. That year was spent in a treatment facility. We remained close and I continued to be supportive....but I had heard it all far too many times to take that chance and resume our relationship. He got out and fell in with the first girl who came along on his ever pressing quest to find someone who would "make" him happy. He never did find the understanding that happiness was something that could only come from inside of himself...and he couldn't be happy because he couldn't forgive himself, he hated himself. It wasn't long before he was drinking again. The state had enough and very generously provided accomodations for him for the next 3 years.

He used his time there well and tried to work on himself. We had many, many long and meaningful conversations while he was there. He came out with a renewed determination. Upon his release he was the happiest and most content than I'd seen him in years. But I still watched with caution...for I had seen such hopefullness brutally destroyed in a moment's time before. He'd been out nearly a year now. We've shared so many joyful conversations since then. We had the opportunity to also have many talks that took us back over time and helped us to sort it all out and put it into some kind of perspective that provided some closure on that time frame. It really was looking up for him....until recently.

When he called last week I knew from his tone. He was melancholy. He wanted to travel back down roads we had been over time and time again. Apology after apology. He said he needed to know that I'd forgiven him. I asked him why all of this talk now, we've been over it so many times. I suspected I knew the answer. He went on to tell me that I was absolutely the best thing that had ever happened in his life and that he wanted to make sure that I knew that. I kept waiting for what I was pretty sure to come...and it did. He ended up telling me life was falling apart and he didn't know what to do. "I've got a bottle of Jack in front of me". What he was really saying is "Please rescue me".

Noooooo. It's not fair dammit. Here I was sitting with my new Master. I did MY work after our breakup. I waited until I had healed all my wounds and sorted through all of the BS. I was not going to go into a relationship and expect someone else to have to deal with any of that. My life is where I want it to be....and I have fought the hard fight to get here. So I told him "I've been your guardian angel that has been rescuing you for 16 years now....and I can't keep rescuing you from yourself. You have to make your own decisions. You know that you have been sticking your hand in that fire over and over....and every time you get badly burned by it. It's your choice if you want to do it again....but I can't stop you." He chose to drink himself into oblivion. That was just mere days before the end. It was the last time I spoke to him. I prayed that he would see himself through it.

He made his choice. But now here I sit. The rational part of me KNOWS that this is not my doing. But I can't get my head to stop playing the "what if?" game. What if I had just gone and gotten him? Rescued him one more time? I feel like a failure. I feel like I bear the responsibility. My head knows how wrong it is to feel like that....but my heart isn't getting the message. I know I'm not alone...at his funeral yesterday there was a room packed with people who all feel exactly the same way. None of us are to blame...but we all share to some degree in the feeling that we are.

Please people...don't ever make anyone feel like they are responsible for your happiness. Don't ever assume the responsibility for someone else's happiness. It's a painfully heavy burden to bear.

edit



BitaTruble -> RE: Fuck, fuck, fuck.. what have I done? (7/21/2010 5:32:19 PM)

I remember the first time I read that, Erin and it made me cry. It still does.



WinsomeDefiance -> RE: Fuck, fuck, fuck.. what have I done? (7/21/2010 5:48:47 PM)

This is a repost from a year ago...only slightly edited

I don't know that I can say it was a mistake. Using hindsight and retrospection, I still don't know what I would have done different. But one regret was experiencing the harm from someone who was what the DSM IV would define as a sexual sadist. Took some time for the physical and emotional scars to heal. Sometimes you can do all the right things, and still find yourself in the wrong situation.

It wasn't early in my BDSM adventure. In fact, I thought I knew what I was doing. I knew the safety measures, taught them at munches, ran clubs etc. I knew what I liked, and wanted. I wasn't a rookie. What I didn't know, was that I could take all the recommended safey measures, and still find myself in such a bad situation.

He wasn't a total stranger. I met him at a munch, and spent a good bit of time getting to know him. We discussed limits. Talked on the phone, and met publicly. On the surfacehe seemed compatible. People liked him. I really liked him. There was nothing in his demeanor, that indicated he was a threat. He wasn't pushy...or anything else that 'new and delicate subbies' are warned to watch out for. On the surface, he was great.

Beneath the surface, he was sexually dysfunctional, and the only way he could find gratification was to do things that were not concensual. Things that had been agreed upon as off limits. I won't elaborate. The specifics aren't really relevant. Anyway, I suffered a dissociative state that protected me from much of it.

Afterward, I spent a great deal of time trying to figure out what I did wrong to have ended up in the situation I found myself in. It took some time but I came to terms with the fact that you really can do all the right things and still end up in a bad situation. My mistake, was believing that all the safety measures I'd been taught (and taught others myself) were a guarantee of no harm.






BitaTruble -> RE: Fuck, fuck, fuck.. what have I done? (7/21/2010 6:00:13 PM)

A very good point, WinsomeDefiance. I wrote this in my journal.. I don't remember if I ever posted it on the forums but I decided to go ahead and post it here in support of what you just wrote and because I believe it speaks to the topic as well.

What if your dominant goes insane and cuts off a limb?

Himself removes pieces of me all the time. When the hollow point needles go through, that removes a part of me. He spills my blood, carves me, scars me, lights me on fire. He breaks my blood vessels. He removes layers of skin and sews weights onto my body. I even got stabbed albeit that was one of those 'shit happens' things and quite accidental and I have a perm scar from another 'shit happens' episode with fire play. When he asks me if I like something and I say no, his response is 'too bad.' But he's sane and I not only consented to all these things, I love partaking in them with him.

If I'm bound, blindfolded, gagged.. what the hell am I going to do to stop him from cutting off a limb if he wants? Hell, I might not even need to be bound.. I have zero control when I'm in deep subspace. What do I have but trust that he's sane?

So, have a limit, have a plethora of them - your dominant is not allowed to do XYZ. Good. Fair enough but a limit or a safeword isn't going to stop insanity no matter how you slice it.

Get a sane dom and the issue becomes moot. Serve someone who's bonkers and your limits and all the safewords in the world don't mean squadoosh.



AquaticSub -> RE: Fuck, fuck, fuck.. what have I done? (7/21/2010 6:04:41 PM)

~Fast Reply~

Physically? I'm not concerned - no more so than I am being randomly jumped or attacked by an obessed man who saw me at the store.

I only allow full restraint when I'm playing publically in a place where I feel safe for a LONG time. I have enough anxiety issues and worries that I don't accept "I want to surprise you" or "Just trust me" for a long time. I want details, I want to know the plan. Not knowing means I don't go along. Of course I could still be raped, tortured, killed. I know this can happen. It can also happen to me while I'm at home sitting at my computer, posting on these forums. Given how my anxiety works, the two are about the same in terms of likihood.

Emotionally?

Now that's quite different. I know I'd stay in a bad situation because I loved the person involved. I hope that my same hyperviligante sense of survival would let me bail out soon but I honestly don't know. I've been in relationships where, while not emotionally abused, I was taken for granted. There was a relationship that might have been emotional abusive - I really hadn't thought about it that way at the time and I'm no longer interested in thinking about it - and even after cheating on me, it was him who left. I wanted him to stay. Because of this I can be quite guarded, to own my undoing sometimes and yet people can still worm in when they want to.



AquaticSub -> RE: Fuck, fuck, fuck.. what have I done? (7/21/2010 6:08:02 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

What if your dominant goes insane and cuts off a limb?



We've actually covered that. Have I mentioned I worry, wonder and look ahead to the vaguest of possibilities?

In the event that Valyraen becomes mentally unbalenced, either due to illness/addiction/unforeseen events, I am to do whatever I have to do to 1) keep myself, our children, our pets safe and 2) make sure that he receives required treatment. If needed, I'm to leave - his orders.

If he does while I'm bound... I might be fucked. Hopefully, given my nature again, I'd already have had signs and would no longer feel me being bound was a good idea and would refuse in order to protect his property.



WinsomeDefiance -> RE: Fuck, fuck, fuck.. what have I done? (7/21/2010 6:24:25 PM)

Thank you for sharing what you did, Misoferin. I could have written that, changing very little, but I didn't have the courage. I don't know what it says about me, that I'm more comfortabe sharing the story of my experience with a dysfunctional serial sadist, than I am sharing my past experience with my husband. It almost feels as if you gave me a voice, when my own words fail me. You are pretty amazing.

Char



mistoferin -> RE: Fuck, fuck, fuck.. what have I done? (7/21/2010 9:09:18 PM)

Thanks Char. I think I can understand why one would be more difficult to express than the other. I do hope that you found what I wrote helpful in some small way.....



jujubeeMB -> RE: Fuck, fuck, fuck.. what have I done? (7/21/2010 9:58:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance
This is a repost from a year ago...only slightly edited


Everyone has shared incredibly difficult to read experiences, and I feel terrible about all of it, but yours shook me up the most. You liked him, other people liked him, you took the proper precautions, you felt NO warning signs, and none of it mattered? I'm seeing very clearly why everyone wanted me to take back the "kidnap me anytime" offer to my ex. And now I'm frankly terrified about the future, and meeting people. I've been in bad situations that I won't get into, but some part of me that I could vividly identify later always told me there was something wrong.

So how can I play with people if it's possible my radar isn't good enough to always tell? How do you do it?



BitaTruble -> RE: Fuck, fuck, fuck.. what have I done? (7/21/2010 10:05:08 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB


So how can I play with people if it's possible my radar isn't good enough to always tell? How do you do it?


jujubee.. if you use your head, trust your gut and follow your heart, most of the time that's going to work. Straight, gay, bi... dominant, submissive, top, bottom, vanilla or whatever.. there is risk involved.. maybe to your heart, maybe to your head or maybe to your body.. that can't be eliminated.. only minimzied, but the only real option is to shut yourself in your house and never go outside and that's no kind of life.



WinsomeDefiance -> RE: Fuck, fuck, fuck.. what have I done? (7/22/2010 7:12:49 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble


quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB


So how can I play with people if it's possible my radar isn't good enough to always tell? How do you do it?


jujubee.. if you use your head, trust your gut and follow your heart, most of the time that's going to work. Straight, gay, bi... dominant, submissive, top, bottom, vanilla or whatever.. there is risk involved.. maybe to your heart, maybe to your head or maybe to your body.. that can't be eliminated.. only minimzied, but the only real option is to shut yourself in your house and never go outside and that's no kind of life.


Bita is correct. Opening yourself up to new experiences, does have some risk. It always will. But I can tell you this. Despite the pain I did experience from that particular risk, my experiences taken as a whole have been amazing. Please don't let what I shared scare you into not taking your own strides toward fulfillment. The alternative really is no kind of life.



sublizzie -> RE: Fuck, fuck, fuck.. what have I done? (7/22/2010 8:36:20 AM)

Risking is imperative if you're going to actually *live* your life. Sometimes you experience pain from that risk but, if you're wise, you'll learn many lessons from the pain.

I'm NOT a masochist in any way but I've learned that taking risks, which sometimes leads to pain, is worth it. The worst pain I've ever had came from taking risks that also gave me the most joy in my life. I would never trade my time with Santa though his death was the most emotionally painful thing I've ever gone through.

Risk is good. (Said from a major wuss!)



CreativeDominant -> RE: Fuck, fuck, fuck.. what have I done? (7/22/2010 2:48:02 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB

quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance
This is a repost from a year ago...only slightly edited


Everyone has shared incredibly difficult to read experiences, and I feel terrible about all of it, but yours shook me up the most. You liked him, other people liked him, you took the proper precautions, you felt NO warning signs, and none of it mattered? I'm seeing very clearly why everyone wanted me to take back the "kidnap me anytime" offer to my ex. And now I'm frankly terrified about the future, and meeting people. I've been in bad situations that I won't get into, but some part of me that I could vividly identify later always told me there was something wrong.

So how can I play with people if it's possible my radar isn't good enough to always tell? How do you do it?
Life isn't life unless there's some pain to it.  ~wry smile~  Sad but true.  Recognize that and you will find yourself not only more accepting of life but that the alarm bells will go off more often.  As most have said, trust your gut and your head before you trust your heart.  For someone like me who...even though I can be a cold, cruel, heartless sadistic bastard...tends to lead with his heart right alongside his mind, that is difficult to do.  But I may finally have learned.  Not sure yet whether that is good or bad, happy or sad...it certainly seems colder...but only time will tell.  




sexyred1 -> RE: Fuck, fuck, fuck.. what have I done? (7/22/2010 3:00:48 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB

quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance
This is a repost from a year ago...only slightly edited


Everyone has shared incredibly difficult to read experiences, and I feel terrible about all of it, but yours shook me up the most. You liked him, other people liked him, you took the proper precautions, you felt NO warning signs, and none of it mattered? I'm seeing very clearly why everyone wanted me to take back the "kidnap me anytime" offer to my ex. And now I'm frankly terrified about the future, and meeting people. I've been in bad situations that I won't get into, but some part of me that I could vividly identify later always told me there was something wrong.

So how can I play with people if it's possible my radar isn't good enough to always tell? How do you do it?


It is terrifying to think of going there again, to a place where you will be hurt either emotionally or physically.

For me, it would be fear of emotional hurt. However, I have been doing a lot of thinking this past emotionally fraught week and I came up with this:

When you have gone through something like we are going through, two things happen after the anger and grief.

You get stronger and you get more realistic and you get a tad more cynical depending on how much you were before.

I know that I will never see through a "mask" again, simply because I don't have those idealized visions anymore after all these years.

I will never listen to only words; there will be actions that support those words or nothing.

I will never place myself in a situation where my desires take over my gut feeling or my brain telling me that this is just not good for me.

I am not going to hide and I am not going to say I will never fall for someone again.

Just not the wrong person. I will be in a self protection mode while still allowing someone good in.




NuevaVida -> RE: Fuck, fuck, fuck.. what have I done? (7/22/2010 7:44:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

When you have gone through something like we are going through, two things happen after the anger and grief.

You get stronger and you get more realistic and you get a tad more cynical depending on how much you were before.

I know that I will never see through a "mask" again, simply because I don't have those idealized visions anymore after all these years.

I will never listen to only words; there will be actions that support those words or nothing.

I will never place myself in a situation where my desires take over my gut feeling or my brain telling me that this is just not good for me.

I am not going to hide and I am not going to say I will never fall for someone again.

Just not the wrong person. I will be in a self protection mode while still allowing someone good in.




This, absolutely this.  It was pretty much my own way of thinking after my past pains.  It led me to a most surprising and positive place.



SailingBum -> RE: Fuck, fuck, fuck.. what have I done? (7/22/2010 9:57:20 PM)

Ill answers this way. The leading cause of a broken neck is diving in water to shallow. I remember thinking how stupid can a person to not know the depth of the water BEFORE!!!! like Fuckng DUH Look BEFORE you leap... and you prolly wont find yourself in those types of situations.

BadOne



mistoferin -> RE: Fuck, fuck, fuck.. what have I done? (7/23/2010 5:47:04 AM)

The reason people break their necks in shallow water diving accidents is because there is no way to accurately assess the depth of the water without actually getting in it. So no, the whole "look before you leap" thing isn't any guarantee.



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