RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs?

RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (Full Version)

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LadyHibiscus -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/20/2010 5:22:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: porcelaine Your situation reminds me of the complaints some women make about their partners that never buy them anything. I can say that there are three contributing factors to this, though I'm ruling out one given the longevity of your dynamic and the response above. In my opinion this boils down to the fact that the gentleman is not financially invested in the relationship. While he may share other aspects of himself, in terms of money, that is not available to you. As a woman, I can assure you that if he desired for you to have the cross you would. He might inquire if it was something you were interested in adding to your home, but that would be the extent of the discussion. You would never have to solicit money from him at all. And for the life of me I've never understood that about women. Men spend money when they wish to. He will make it abundantly clear that his preference is to provide and there will be no pussyfooting about it. Irregardless to the reasons involved, your response suggests that it isn't something he believes you're entitled to. And yes, I meant to say that. Respective earnings aside, it wouldn't matter if his coffers were light. If he wanted you to be monetarily spoiled he'd do such without hesitating. He withholds that for a reason and given the other factors involved they may be a big part of his unwillingness to open his purse strings. ~porcelaine Fabulous and wise. Thank you.

MissAsylum -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/20/2010 5:23:01 PM)
that gives me a lot to think about, and thank you for it. since my intention was for the cross to be used by 3 people, and that he was the one suggesting it, i didnt see as something that i was trying to milk money from him for. i could see if i asked him to buy it for me without any type of monetary assistance on my part, why he would act the way he did. but whenever he has calmed down enough to speak with me, i will make it a point to ask him about this.

tazzygirl -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/20/2010 5:27:03 PM)
Out of curiosity, you are also a Pro Domme by your profile. Would this be an item you are going to use on clients, thus making a living from? Maybe i misunderstood your relationships. If so, please, correct me. You have a husband who is also your sub? Is this an item you would also be using on him as well?

aphotic -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/20/2010 5:33:03 PM)
In regards to the OP... I've had dinners that I paid for entirely that required more lucre than splitting that cross 3-ways, and at that, they were terrible one-n-done events. I don't even like crab... it's a hell of a lot of work for minimal gain (and that yellow stuff--damn the yellow stuff). Sorry, quite aside the point, but unless someone is your household submissive--or in your care by mutual decision--then he should be putting forth as much as everyone else. You can't get two people up a hill without both parties walking, unless of course, one of them is a mule. Don't make an ass of yourself by carrying him.

Zevar -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/20/2010 5:36:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MissAsylum i got into a spat this morning with my longtime submissive. he has never paid to see me and has never paid for anything. yesterday after we had played together, he brought up the idea of getting a st andrews cross. i ran the idea past by boyfriend(whom my submissive has become friendly with) and he liked the idea for all three of us to use. he found one online that all three of us agree on that would be around 500 dollars. since its pretty expensive, i told them that we should 3-way split the cost because all of us would be using it. my submissive said he doesnt believe he should pay anything towards the cross since I am the Domme and that he was digusted by the fact that i would hit him up for money. i told him that if he felt that way, he could forget about using it since my boyfriend and i would be paying for it. he stormed out in a huff as a result. is there a rule somewhere that the top or dominant has to front the costs for all the equipment? Greetings MissAsylum: When 2 adults agree to relate one to the other this constitutes a shared responsibility. Mind you, the extent of how the responsibility is agree upon is a subject that must be made quite clear from the inception of the relationship or whatever term is used to define the relating. The notion that you are unsure if the need to spilt financial costs for a St. Andrew's Cross speaks volumes to your lack of ability to make a final decision and adhere to what you know to be right, regardless. I genuinely question why you seem to need permission to make a decision when you already have 100% permission to make ALL final decisions? Receiving input is one thing. However when the decision involves a personal issue or purchasing an item or such that will be mutually shared I would advise you to be more cautious in the future bringing your responsibilities of your lack of leadership to virtual reality prior to arriving at a decision. What message does this send to yourself and to anyone else who you might have a leadership role of? If you are assuming the role in your relationship with this man as a leader then do just that. Lead! Else you are merely entertaining the role of "leadership" for mere pleasure related issues. IMO Leadership requires, among other elements, the ability to lead in the midst of storm without hesitation. Vowing to never turn from the helm regardless how fierce the issues at hand may appear. Never and I do mean, NEVER make a decision from an emotional position. If you have assumed a personal responsibility then demonstrate such. Personal integrity is instrumental in all positions of leadership. Put forth your best effort to lead from a position of influential authority that is guided by YOUR responsibility and accountability for every decision you make and of course each outcome. Be willing to commit to transparent self examination of yourself without anyone telling you the need to do such. Nothing held back. Nothing concealed. If you sincerely have made a choice to lead in this relationship then set aside all insecurities and forge ahead in a balanced manner with a willingness to pierce through the veil of internal denial and expose to yourself what is beneath the presenting issue. Relentlessness, perseverance, endurance and fortitude can never be forsaken. Dominance includes maintaining the responsibilities of healthy leadership. The solution from my perspective is simple. Arise and relentlessly lead!

MissAsylum -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/20/2010 5:41:03 PM)
oh no. that would just cause more complications that i could even begin to imagine. since it was supposed to be a 3 way split between myself, my boyfriend(not husband-sorry if that had confused you) and my sub, it would be in serious poor taste to use it on clients. and my boyfriend would using it too, which is why he would have been contributing money.

MissAsylum -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/20/2010 5:42:26 PM)
wow. i am sorry that you have paid that much money for a half-assed dinner.

tazzygirl -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/20/2010 5:44:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MissAsylum oh no. that would just cause more complications that i could even begin to imagine. since it was supposed to be a 3 way split between myself, my boyfriend(not husband-sorry if that had confused you) and my sub, it would be in serious poor taste to use it on clients. and my boyfriend would using it too, which is why he would have been contributing money. Boyfriend using it with someone else?

MissAsylum -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/20/2010 5:52:46 PM)
while i agree that you are right that i need to grow more of a back bone, i felt that i did what was best at that moment, which was do nothing. if i had acted on just my emotions, he would no longer be owned by me for throwing a fit and storming out of my house. acting on impluse has produced far worse results than good, and because i have a long standing relationship with him, i didn't want to start turning things more upside down than they already are.

MissAsylum -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/20/2010 5:54:30 PM)
nope, just me. He's not "in the lifestyle" but enjoys the sexual aspect of it.

tazzygirl -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/20/2010 5:56:31 PM)
ah, then that clears things up a bit. It was a purchase made to be used by just three people. Seems your sub has a few issues of his own. My suggestion... a long talk to clear the air.. a few days apart to make decisions based upon that talk.

MissAsylum -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/20/2010 6:00:34 PM)
i plan on it when he decides to talk to me

servantforuse -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/20/2010 6:02:26 PM)
He is a cheapskate, plain and simple. I would start charging him a nominal fee, say $25, until it is paid for. I wonder if he has a girlfriend, and if he makes her pay for lunch or dinner ?

DesFIP -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/20/2010 6:04:58 PM)
One thing extra. For many people money is love. Although you have been in a relationship with him for a long time, you view him as only a play partner. He doesn't feel as though you are emotionally invested in him. And therefore he feels no need to financially invest in you. He wants you to buy this primarily to use on him because that would be a sign of caring to him. You need to talk about his needs, his feelings as well as your needs and your emotions. It is possible he would want to be equal to your boyfriend in your heart. It is equally possible that when you make it clear this will not happen the relationship will start ending. Simply because he needs more than he's getting.

BonesFromAsh -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/20/2010 6:12:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: porcelaine The only rule I see is the one that you clearly ignored. That would entail telling the young man that the item wasn't in your budget and closing the discussion. If he wanted it that bad he'd purchase it himself. But sometimes strife is a truth serum in disguise, and now you know where he stands on the subject. Pretty much. OP, This just seems more complicated than it should be. For some reason, I get the feeling there's more to this than just a piece of equipment. In my opinion, it's the least of your worries.

domiguy -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/20/2010 6:27:56 PM)
MissA, First off, you will be mine. Second order of bidness...There are social graces that seem to routinely get lost out here...My God, did I just say something about social graces? Anywhoooo, when I first meet someone I pay. Hands down. There is no expectation of anything it is just being polite. Twas the way I was raised. If things go swimmingly and we are in it for some sort of a haul then the lines become a little more blurred. I have had subs buy me dinner and a few drinks. It depends entirely on the ability to pay. I say, "thank you", because it is appreciated. It is nothing more or less than showing some sort of affection and pleasure in enjoying each others company. As a guy I hate to squabble over money, It just isn't worth fighting over. MissA you need to find a higher quality of sub. Someone that appreciates you and is willing to help support their/your interests.

LafayetteLady -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/20/2010 6:35:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: porcelaine quote: ORIGINAL: MissAsylum he buys me cupcakes for my birthday and took me out to dinner when i graduated from university last year.and thats it. Your situation reminds me of the complaints some women make about their partners that never buy them anything. I can say that there are three contributing factors to this, though I'm ruling out one given the longevity of your dynamic and the response above. In my opinion this boils down to the fact that the gentleman is not financially invested in the relationship. While he may share other aspects of himself, in terms of money, that is not available to you. As a woman, I can assure you that if he desired for you to have the cross you would. He might inquire if it was something you were interested in adding to your home, but that would be the extent of the discussion. You would never have to solicit money from him at all. And for the life of me I've never understood that about women. Men spend money when they wish to. He will make it abundantly clear that his preference is to provide and there will be no pussyfooting about it. Irregardless to the reasons involved, your response suggests that it isn't something he believes you're entitled to. And yes, I meant to say that. Respective earnings aside, it wouldn't matter if his coffers were light. If he wanted you to be monetarily spoiled he'd do such without hesitating. He withholds that for a reason and given the other factors involved they may be a big part of his unwillingness to open his purse strings. ~porcelaine I have to agree with you about how a man will spend his money. Given the information we have, it is logical that he not be financially interested in the relationship. Why should he financially support her AND her boyfriend? It's ludicrous. It would seem completely within reason that not only is the financial aspect of him available, but there is serious misinterpretation by the OP as to how emotionally involved he is in the relationship. It would seem that overall, he sees her the same way she sees, and likely treats him....as a playful diversion to everyday life.

MissAsylum -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/20/2010 6:37:02 PM)
well Des has suggested that he wants to be equal to my boyfriend. while i do have a special place for him in my heart- its just not on the level as my boyfriend. end of the relationship probably is unavoidable, but thats life.

MissAsylum -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/20/2010 6:44:45 PM)
my boyfriend would have been paying his equal share.

MissAsylum -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/20/2010 6:46:39 PM)
Domi....well...keep the hope alive i guess?

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