Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

D/S versus Passive/Aggressive


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> D/S versus Passive/Aggressive Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
D/S versus Passive/Aggressive - 4/17/2006 10:43:01 AM   
OedipusRexIt


Posts: 634
Joined: 11/15/2005
Status: offline 		What are anyone's thoughts regarding aspects of passive/aggressive behabvior, petulance, vindictiveness or transference of anger as exhibited by their Dom/Dommes?

I have read a number of posts in which something to the effect of "master punished me by not calling" or "master made me jump through these hoops, then left me with nothing..", etc.  While we all have a right to our own pursuit of our preferences, it strikes me as odd that pettiness masqueraded as Dominance, and I feel it gives a lot of Us a bad name.

Thoughts?  Thinkers welcome...

_____________________________

"My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die..."
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: D/S versus Passive/Aggressive - 4/17/2006 11:04:41 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Personally, i hate passive/aggressiveness.  Fortunately, i do not experience this with my Master.  If i am being punished, i am told outright, and told what that punishment is.  There are times, in day to day life (meaning not in a disciplinary/punishment situation) when he may put me through things without explaining them, as a training mechanism or a way to get me to think about something, but then we discuss it in depth later - what i concluded and why, and whether it was what he hoped i would conclude, etc.

i find passive/aggressiveness to be destructive in any relationship.

(in reply to OedipusRexIt)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: D/S versus Passive/Aggressive - 4/17/2006 11:05:48 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OedipusRexIt
What are anyone's thoughts regarding aspects of passive/aggressive behabvior, petulance, vindictiveness or transference of anger as exhibited by their Dom/Dommes?

Other than it's extremely common, not much.
quote:


Thoughts?  Thinkers welcome...

The doms who don't learn how to communicate effectively are the ones who don't have the happy lasting healthy relationships. 

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to OedipusRexIt)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: D/S versus Passive/Aggressive - 4/17/2006 11:08:48 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		I think it's just a part of human nature and we just happen to notice more in Doms 'cause most think that being a Dom gives them permission to behave that way. Some think that bullying and belligerence equal Dominance. It doesn't.

Also, remember that we see plenty of these traits in submissives/slaves as well. Again, it's human nature, I think.

Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to OedipusRexIt)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: D/S versus Passive/Aggressive - 4/17/2006 11:14:51 AM   
Tikkiee


Posts: 1099
Joined: 4/6/2006
Status: offline 		To tell the truth, I don't think much on it at all. I am not here to tell others how they should act in their own relationships. The only one that matters is the one that I have with Chris.
Personally, the actions of a single individual do not make up my perception of a group of individuals.

_____________________________

~~@ cass @~~

(in reply to OedipusRexIt)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: D/S versus Passive/Aggressive - 4/17/2006 11:27:37 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		 Not too impressed actually, sad that so many fall for these folks, but I guess eventually we all learn that if a person can not control their own selves that they con not hope to control another effectively.

_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to Tikkiee)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: D/S versus Passive/Aggressive - 4/18/2006 1:27:41 PM   
OedipusRexIt


Posts: 634
Joined: 11/15/2005
Status: offline 		Passive/aggressive is all too common and does seem to be well-esconced in human nature.

I'll venture that opinion even at the risk being charged with judging a whole group of people, whoever they may be.  I do agree that punishment is best linked clearly and consistently to an unwanted behavior, except for those instances where punishment is it's own reward.

I did allow for a caveat in my post to the effect of degustubus non disputandum , so hopefully it is understood that if it floats your boat, go ahead and enjoy.  For those of us who don't participate in that behavior, it remains something to be disliked.  I'm entitled to not like it as much as anyone is entitled to like it...

Thanks for the feedback

_____________________________

"My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die..."

(in reply to OedipusRexIt)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: D/S versus Passive/Aggressive - 4/18/2006 2:00:15 PM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		Its people just falling back into old habits of feeling hurt and then lashing out but not wanting to or not knowing how to deal with the results.

Last night my family had therapy again (a lot of these is helping my slave through some difficult internal stuff right now) and it was mentioned that I still swallow up feelings (especially anger) but that I don't do a good job of hiding it any more cause the guys can feel it radiating off me like an oven.

Holding things inside is a survival technique I learned as a child. That it can radiate off of me now is actually progress our therapist pointed out.

Sorry that might be TMI....

But the point I'm trying to make is that dom or not, each of us is just a human being and we have learned things from the day we were born onward. As adults it can be difficult to undo anything we learned but the trick is to try.

I think that part of the point of having established punishments or times when we work out issues in our Ds relationships is to not just benefit the sub but also the dom who may need permission from herself to express her feelings.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to OedipusRexIt)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: D/S versus Passive/Aggressive - 4/18/2006 2:36:49 PM   
Proprietrix


Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OedipusRexIt
What are anyone's thoughts regarding aspects of passive/aggressive behabvior, petulance, vindictiveness or transference of anger as exhibited by their Dom/Dommes?
I have read a number of posts in which something to the effect of "master punished me by not calling" or "master made me jump through these hoops, then left me with nothing..", etc.  While we all have a right to our own pursuit of our preferences, it strikes me as odd that pettiness masqueraded as Dominance, and I feel it gives a lot of Us a bad name.


hmmm,
I think some of your examples aren't directly related to the characteristics.
As a Domme, I've enforced "no contact" or "ignore" punishments with subs. "You did something that offended me/disrespected me, therefore you do not have the privilege of my attention for 48 hours."
I let them email me and leave messages on the answering machine, but I don't respond at all until the 48 hours is over. Or if they live with me, I won't make eye contact or speak to them for X period of time, but they can sit there and talk to me all they want.
I wouldn't call that passive-agressive or vindictive. It's simply a no-contact order for a certain period of time so said submissive can reflect on their behavior.
Maybe if I had different examples to go on...

(in reply to OedipusRexIt)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: D/S versus Passive/Aggressive - 4/18/2006 2:44:23 PM   
NeedToUseYou


Posts: 2297
Joined: 12/24/2005
From: None of your business
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OedipusRexIt

What are anyone's thoughts regarding aspects of passive/aggressive behabvior, petulance, vindictiveness or transference of anger as exhibited by their Dom/Dommes?

I have read a number of posts in which something to the effect of "master punished me by not calling" or "master made me jump through these hoops, then left me with nothing..", etc.  While we all have a right to our own pursuit of our preferences, it strikes me as odd that pettiness masqueraded as Dominance, and I feel it gives a lot of Us a bad name.

Thoughts?  Thinkers welcome...


Oh, I absolutely despise passive aggresive people in general. I won't be around them, it could get bloody. To me it demonstrates cowardice, not being able to openly show your aggression, but still being aggressive with deniablity.  Cowards one and all. Be aggressive or don't. Sheesh. I'd never trust a passive aggressive person because to me they are lying about there actions when they do such things, and I don't take to liars well at all.

Probably my least favourite group of people on the planet.

(in reply to OedipusRexIt)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: D/S versus Passive/Aggressive - 4/18/2006 2:47:15 PM   
NeedToUseYou


Posts: 2297
Joined: 12/24/2005
From: None of your business
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Proprietrix

quote:

ORIGINAL: OedipusRexIt
What are anyone's thoughts regarding aspects of passive/aggressive behabvior, petulance, vindictiveness or transference of anger as exhibited by their Dom/Dommes?
I have read a number of posts in which something to the effect of "master punished me by not calling" or "master made me jump through these hoops, then left me with nothing..", etc.  While we all have a right to our own pursuit of our preferences, it strikes me as odd that pettiness masqueraded as Dominance, and I feel it gives a lot of Us a bad name.


hmmm,
I think some of your examples aren't directly related to the characteristics.
As a Domme, I've enforced "no contact" or "ignore" punishments with subs. "You did something that offended me/disrespected me, therefore you do not have the privilege of my attention for 48 hours."
I let them email me and leave messages on the answering machine, but I don't respond at all until the 48 hours is over. Or if they live with me, I won't make eye contact or speak to them for X period of time, but they can sit there and talk to me all they want.
I wouldn't call that passive-agressive or vindictive. It's simply a no-contact order for a certain period of time so said submissive can reflect on their behavior.
Maybe if I had different examples to go on...



I think the difference is in your situation you are being upfront with them that what your doing is to punish them. A passive aggressive would do the same thing then make up a reason for doing it, that tries to cover the aggression with a psuedo-logical explanation. Such as i didn't answer because it's protocol, but never inform the sub of the protocol. That's very different.

(in reply to Proprietrix)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: D/S versus Passive/Aggressive - 4/18/2006 5:16:19 PM   
truesub4u


Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

Personally, i hate passive/aggressiveness.  Fortunately, i do not experience this with my Master.  If i am being punished, i am told outright, and told what that punishment is.  There are times, in day to day life (meaning not in a disciplinary/punishment situation) when he may put me through things without explaining them, as a training mechanism or a way to get me to think about something, but then we discuss it in depth later - what i concluded and why, and whether it was what he hoped i would conclude, etc.

i find passive/aggressiveness to be destructive in any relationship.


Ummmm..... Owned... I need to know... does your Master have a brother?...


_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: D/S versus Passive/Aggressive - 4/18/2006 5:21:21 PM   
starymists


Posts: 139
Joined: 2/1/2006
Status: offline 		For myself, I don't find passive/aggressive behavior to be something I can deal with in a D/s M/s relationship. That being said, it really depends on how often that behavior occurs and how intense it is when it does occur. As has been pointed out, passive aggressive behavior on an occasional basis might be normal. But if it happens too often, it's just not something that I want to be a part of. Then again, when I was new, the form of passive aggressive I deal with had to do with withholding affection for days because of a minor infraction...didn't work then, won't work now. Just my two cents :)

(in reply to NeedToUseYou)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: D/S versus Passive/Aggressive - 4/18/2006 6:37:03 PM   
enthralled


Posts: 249
Joined: 9/13/2005
From: Nashville, Tn
Status: offline 		Though to each his own....
In my opinion, when a dominant hands out punishments such as not speaking, withholding affection, etc., he is not only shutting down communication, but pretty much chopping up the lines as well!
To me, hes basically saying when things get bad ... dont confront it, dont talk about it, dont acknowledge it and it will get better!
I would shut down.


Respectfully,
enthralled

_____________________________

A man never discloses his own character so clearly as when he describes another's.-Jean Paul Richter

(in reply to starymists)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: D/S versus Passive/Aggressive - 4/18/2006 6:49:17 PM   
CERCKL


Posts: 1039
Joined: 3/4/2006
Status: offline
quote:

Though to each his own....
In my opinion, when a dominant hands out punishments such as not speaking, withholding affection, etc., he is not only shutting down communication, but pretty much chopping up the lines as well!
To me, hes basically saying when things get bad ... dont confront it, dont talk about it, dont acknowledge it and it will get better!
I would shut down.


Respectfully,
enthralled



Granted, I can see this perspective...but then taking it from the passive/aggresive or for that matter, even punishment...can't it potentially be more communicative to place the situation aside, examine it and actually see what the issue, point is before addressing...Not being reactive...and if that involves stating, you must wait until I am prepared to deal with this...it wouldn't be cutting anything off, just refusing to be reactive. This of course, in my opinion, would be in dealing with actual shit...not the brat play etc...

C


_____________________________

AND I AM TOO AN ASSHOLE, I HAVE REFERENCES!!!

"Please, please, please believe me, I really am an asshole. All that Enlightenment and Higher Learning shit was all a ruse."

(in reply to enthralled)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: D/S versus Passive/Aggressive - 4/18/2006 6:56:42 PM   
Proprietrix


Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
Status: offline 		I think this could easily turn into the very controversial topic of shunning.

(in reply to CERCKL)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: D/S versus Passive/Aggressive - 4/18/2006 7:06:31 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CERCKL
can't it potentially be more communicative to place the situation aside, examine it and actually see what the issue, point is before addressing...Not being reactive...and if that involves stating, you must wait until I am prepared to deal with this...it wouldn't be cutting anything off, just refusing to be reactive. This of course, in my opinion, would be in dealing with actual shit...not the brat play etc...

C

You're exactly right- taking time outs can be extremely useful tools of communication, taking time to take perspective is an excellent idea.

But that's not usually what's going on- it's usually the dom just having a pout-fest, training the sub not to push the buttons he doesn't want to or is incapable of actually dealing with and couching it in a "It's my way so it's the right way and you're the sub so deal and accept" deal.

Ultimately, it always crumbles.  But it can go for a loooong time before then.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to CERCKL)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: D/S versus Passive/Aggressive - 4/18/2006 7:08:01 PM   
enthralled


Posts: 249
Joined: 9/13/2005
From: Nashville, Tn
Status: offline
quote:

Granted, I can see this perspective...but then taking it from the passive/aggresive or for that matter, even punishment...can't it potentially be more communicative to place the situation aside, examine it and actually see what the issue, point is before addressing...Not being reactive...and if that involves stating, you must wait until I am prepared to deal with this...it wouldn't be cutting anything off, just refusing to be reactive. This of course, in my opinion, would be in dealing with actual shit...not the brat play etc...

C 


Oh absolutely as long as the situation was addressed! If I knew that it was the (hypothetical) 'his' style to handle things that way, then yes- I could very well understand. I was only referring to the scenerios where the problem was just scooped under the rug and never dealt with. That is probably one of the only lasting screwed-up things about my childhood that haunts me to this day ... my mother never wanting to deal with crap so she refused to discuss it .... EVER.  So, that is why I said I would shut down, but only in the case that it wasnt talked about later.

Respectfully,
enthralled



_____________________________

A man never discloses his own character so clearly as when he describes another's.-Jean Paul Richter

(in reply to Proprietrix)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: D/S versus Passive/Aggressive - 4/18/2006 10:17:56 PM   
theprofitprinces


Posts: 20
Joined: 7/30/2005
From: USA
Status: offline 		Exactly what is passive/aggressiveness..I am not totally understanding the definition.

_____________________________

http://www.theprofitprincess.com
http://www.niteflirt.com/memberpub/homepage.asp?user=The+Profit+Princess

(in reply to enthralled)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: D/S versus Passive/Aggressive - 4/18/2006 10:25:34 PM   
classykindasassy


Posts: 291
Joined: 12/13/2005
Status: offline 		I think there are pathologies, and then there are legitimate self-expressions, whether a person is vanilla or kink.

I think the workability of relationships depends on how straight a person can communicate and accept straight communication, and also the ability to own oneself, one's own behavior, and be totally conscious to and responsible for the effects it creates.

here's a pathology: I saw a posting from a guy on here who was dating and in love with some chick, who after 8 months and accepting a collar or a marriage proposal,  she springs on him she'd been secretly fucking some other guy. He was destroyed. How can someone be so checked out  and so unfeeling as to do that to someone else? (assuming all is as it was portrayed). Some sick bastard dom could perpetrate similar crap under the guise of being a dom. But I had to think there HAD to be some behavior or clue that he stepped over or denied, that had he clued himself in, he'd have saved himself some heartache.

But then how stupid is the sub who allows herself to be led down the primrose path of treatment from a dom as the OP describes, and allows it to happen more than once, unless they like being treated like a worthless idiot?

again, there are sick people whatever their nomenclature, and those spineless enough to go for them (and maybe they are matches made in heaven).

I often say that for every crazy predilection, there is always someone out there who will be a joyful recipient. God has a sense of humor, and has created a perfect world.


< Message edited by classykindasassy -- 4/18/2006 10:27:27 PM >

_____________________________

"The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine." -The Indigo Girls

(in reply to enthralled)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> D/S versus Passive/Aggressive Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094