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looking for dom - 7/22/2010 2:05:56 PM   
barbiegirl64


Posts: 1
Joined: 7/20/2010
Status: offline 		how can you tell a real dom to a wannabe onf please everyone says be cafrefull as there is alot of fake doms but as im new to all this i just want to make sure i do it right thank you
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: looking for dom - 7/22/2010 2:09:59 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I am sure you will find someone who will post some sort of checklist for you...

I would hope you remember everything you learned about men in general in your life, and apply it to this. Date the man, not the orientation, and then get to know HIM, not a title. Anyone that would expect anything else from you is probably a red flag situation. Real people want real partners, so if someone tries to impress you with "experience", etc, and leaves out getting to know you, well, not saying they are "fake", but it would give me pause.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to barbiegirl64)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: looking for dom - 7/22/2010 2:17:21 PM   
realwhiteknight


Posts: 428
Joined: 7/13/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: barbiegirl64

how can you tell a real dom to a wannabe onf please everyone says be cafrefull as there is alot of fake doms but as im new to all this i just want to make sure i do it right thank you


I have a link to the 'Acid Test' in my journals- this is an article that's been circulating on the internet for god knows how long, about how to tell the difference between a faker/abuser and a dominant. It's written by a dominant man and has *alot* of really good info on other aspects of bdsm too.

Someone here sent it to me, after I asked the same question you are :)  I found it very informative.



_____________________________

I carry a log - yes. Is it funny to you? It is not to me.

Behind all things are reasons. Reasons can even explain the absurd. Do we have the time to learn the reasons behind the human being's varied behavior? I think not. Some take the time.

(in reply to barbiegirl64)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: looking for dom - 7/22/2010 2:17:55 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		If you're looking at profiles here on CM, look at the ones that take the time to have everything spelled correctly, where the grammer is decent and where the entirety is in sentences. A run-on jumbled mess doesn't seem impressive, and it could be a sign of the character of the person who wrote the profile.

Aside from that, you might want to compare someone's interests with your own. If someone 'lives for' something you find a limit or something you really don't want to do, then the quality of the dominant won't mean anything if you are incompatible. I would venture that most people who have been in the lifestyle for a while understand that in a place like this it is better to come across as sincere, rather than pushy and impetuous. Remember, whomever it is might be 'a' dominant, but they are not 'your' dominant until that is what you want.

Good luck.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: looking for dom - 7/22/2010 2:27:44 PM   
EbonyWood


Posts: 2044
Joined: 7/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: barbiegirl64

how can you tell a real dom to a wannabe onf please everyone says be cafrefull as there is alot of fake doms but as im new to all this i just want to make sure i do it right thank you


I'm real.
 
If anyone called DarkSteven, Jeffff, domi_____(insert any name here), contact you, report them to the authorities.
 
One of them is actually an anteater.
 
Check with me periodically with accompanying nude photos for updates.

(in reply to barbiegirl64)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: looking for dom - 7/22/2010 2:33:13 PM   
CynthiaWVirginia


Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline 		I'm not a sub, but I was new once and used to be one.
 
They guys who want to online roleplay with you, or web cam...are not fakes...seriously, they DO want to online roleplay with you and view you on webcam.   Mutters about wankers...  Some people are here for that, and it's just not my thing.
 
Don't be in a hurry, and take your time looking.  If you want some experience, you can bottom for someone without actually submitting to them outside of the scene.  If you want to wait for just the right person and let him be the only one you do this with...this is your choice.  Know yourself, what you need, and what would hurt your soul.
 
Read SM;101 or The Loving Dominant, something about BDSM that isn't porn, to cut down on the mistakes you will make. 
 
Be prepared to be hopeful/excited, and then have times of burnout. 
 
In the message boards, at the top right corner you will see a row of flags.  Over the first one is Search.  Click it to look up things like "sub frenzy" "dom frenzy" "subspace" "sub drop" "top drop" "safe words" "safe caller" and anything else that holds your interest.  Some of these threads will have been made years ago but are still good sources of info...only don't make a posting in a thread that has been dead for six months or someone might scold you a little for that.
 
You know how to Google for munch groups in your area?  A group of people meet up and just...eat at a restaurant.  Enjoy your adventure, and...best wishes to you.

(in reply to barbiegirl64)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: looking for dom - 7/22/2010 2:33:42 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: EbonyWood

quote:

ORIGINAL: barbiegirl64

how can you tell a real dom to a wannabe onf please everyone says be cafrefull as there is alot of fake doms but as im new to all this i just want to make sure i do it right thank you


I'm real.
 
If anyone called DarkSteven, Jeffff, domi_____(insert any name here), contact you, report them to the authorities.
 
One of them is actually an anteater.
 
Check with me periodically with accompanying nude photos for updates.


We need a thread to make sure we warn everyone about these people... you know... a "blacklist"

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to EbonyWood)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: looking for dom - 7/22/2010 2:40:58 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: barbiegirl64

how can you tell a real dom to a wannabe onf please everyone says be cafrefull as there is alot of fake doms but as im new to all this i just want to make sure i do it right thank you



It is actually easy to spot the fakes. Those are the ones who continually ask why no subs are real or why are there so many wannabe subs.

Oh wait...the same could be said for subs who complain that no Doms are real.

When in the world of reality, any time someone says someone else is not "real" or they are a "fake" or "wannabe" that simply is code for that person is not into the other. Or they have different tastes, preferences, kinks or opinions.

Get the picture?

Enjoy.

(in reply to barbiegirl64)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: looking for dom - 7/22/2010 2:44:42 PM   
EbonyWood


Posts: 2044
Joined: 7/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania


quote:

ORIGINAL: EbonyWood

quote:

ORIGINAL: barbiegirl64

how can you tell a real dom to a wannabe onf please everyone says be cafrefull as there is alot of fake doms but as im new to all this i just want to make sure i do it right thank you


I'm real.
 
If anyone called DarkSteven, Jeffff, domi_____(insert any name here), contact you, report them to the authorities.
 
One of them is actually an anteater.
 
Check with me periodically with accompanying nude photos for updates.


We need a thread to make sure we warn everyone about these people... you know... a "blacklist"


I like the way you think, woman.
 
 
Maybe we can call it a Red thread, like stop at the Red, look twice, before you talk to these people, they are harmful to your health.
.
DarkSteven
Jeffff
domi(___) etc.
 

 
 
EW
Harmony is overrated.
 

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: looking for dom - 7/22/2010 5:44:47 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		OP, I can be trusted.  Honest.

First, your profile states that you want a Dom in meatlife, not online, and you want a monogamous relationship.  So you already have a good idea what you want.

Set a few rules:

1. No nude pics or camming.
2. Chat online, then move to phone, then meeting in RL.  Give that two weeks or less to weed out the guys who won't actually meet for one reason or another.
3. Give preference to meeting people - not Doms, people - at munches and groups.  A single sub woman like you shouldn't have much trouble getting set up with a Dom that your newfound acquaintances could recommend.
4. Follow standard safety tips when meeting for the first time.  Meet in a public place, have a safecall set up, and try not to play on a first meet.  (I've broken that one several times...)
5. Enjoy it!
7. Ignore EbonyWood.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to EbonyWood)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: looking for dom - 7/22/2010 5:48:02 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

7. Ignore EbonyWood


Awww, come on, you're no fun

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: looking for dom - 7/22/2010 5:48:34 PM   
NymphetamineGirl


Posts: 55
Joined: 11/29/2009
Status: offline 		It is a delicate balance, because Dominants must demonstrate you are safe with them, yet having your stated boundaries pressed can bring you closer.  There is a good kind of fear and a bad kind, and even amateurs can tell the difference.  If your trust in your partner overcomes your inhibitions, it's a good sign.  If you ever doubt that the Dominant has your best interests in mind, or see lapses in self-control, it's a bad sign.  I'd run away screaming from anyone who expected instant obedience or treated me as anything other than an equal.

If I were looking for a Dominant, I would first make sure I was OK on my own.  Not necessarily stellar, but OK.  Then I would spend lots of time getting to know what I think I like, and putting as much of that on my profile as I felt comfortable with.  In any relationship, not just a D/s one, it will matter more in the end if you both love Chaucer than paddles, so don't get hung up on the sex tabs.  It's OK to not know or be curious, cause everything you think you want or don't want can change once you're trying it anyhow.  If I found someone who piqued my interest, I'd go on some totally vanilla dates and see if I felt naturally compelled to submit.  I would let it grow rather than pushing anything.

If I felt violated or disrespected, or doubted his confidence or sincerity, I'd probably move on.  On the other hand...

I'd let myself get excited and nervous and obsess over my hair and clothes and shoes.  I'd go to work and smell his cologne where it rubbed off on my neck.  And if I found myself on pins and needles waiting for his call, or couldn't focus on anything but him...I'd enjoy the tumble into deep love even though it might break my heart.  (It's been broken a lot but it just keeps getting bigger!)

Good luck--I think it's ok to trust instinct, with a healthy dose of education and common sense.  Actually it's not that common, for some reason.





(in reply to EbonyWood)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: looking for dom - 7/22/2010 5:57:11 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

7. Ignore EbonyWood


Awww, come on, you're no fun


Okay.

8. Ignore juliaoceania too.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: looking for dom - 7/22/2010 6:55:54 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NymphetamineGirl

It is a delicate balance, because Dominants must demonstrate you are safe with them, yet having your stated boundaries pressed can bring you closer.  There is a good kind of fear and a bad kind, and even amateurs can tell the difference.  If your trust in your partner overcomes your inhibitions, it's a good sign.  If you ever doubt that the Dominant has your best interests in mind, or see lapses in self-control, it's a bad sign.  I'd run away screaming from anyone who expected instant obedience or treated me as anything other than an equal.

If I were looking for a Dominant, I would first make sure I was OK on my own.  Not necessarily stellar, but OK.  Then I would spend lots of time getting to know what I think I like, and putting as much of that on my profile as I felt comfortable with.  In any relationship, not just a D/s one, it will matter more in the end if you both love Chaucer than paddles, so don't get hung up on the sex tabs.  It's OK to not know or be curious, cause everything you think you want or don't want can change once you're trying it anyhow.  If I found someone who piqued my interest, I'd go on some totally vanilla dates and see if I felt naturally compelled to submit.  I would let it grow rather than pushing anything.

If I felt violated or disrespected, or doubted his confidence or sincerity, I'd probably move on.  On the other hand...

I'd let myself get excited and nervous and obsess over my hair and clothes and shoes.  I'd go to work and smell his cologne where it rubbed off on my neck.  And if I found myself on pins and needles waiting for his call, or couldn't focus on anything but him...I'd enjoy the tumble into deep love even though it might break my heart.  (It's been broken a lot but it just keeps getting bigger!)

Good luck--I think it's ok to trust instinct, with a healthy dose of education and common sense.  Actually it's not that common, for some reason.







(in reply to NymphetamineGirl)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: looking for dom - 7/22/2010 7:21:51 PM   
interlocutor


Posts: 68
Joined: 3/1/2007
Status: offline 		First I think you have to figure out what part of "all of this" you want. Do you want to be submissive in a long term relationship with a dominant or do you want play sessions at the local dungeon and nothing else? Maybe you want a normal relationship with some kinky sex in the bedroom. Maybe you want some mix of all of those. But if you want one thing and the "Dom" DeLuise wants something different you might be tempted to think he's a wannabe when the truth might be you're just not compatible.

Your profile says you want a D/s relationship with someone that will "train" you in all aspects of the "scene." What does that mean? Does that mean you want him to take to to a BDSM club and spank you? Do you know what the "scene" is? (I'm not sure I know). Do you want to live your life according to someone else's rules? Do you want someone to take care of you, or maybe you want some one to take care of? Imagine a time 1 year after you have started a relationship with the "dom" of your dreams, what is it like? I'm not talking fantasy time, I'm talking about actually understanding your desires and understanding what kind of person it will take and the kind of relationship it will take to meet those desires.

If you don't make the effort to figure out those things then you are just taking pot shots in the dark. Answer all of these questions for yourself, figure out what you really want, and then you shouldn't have too much trouble telling if a dom is fake or not.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: looking for dom - 7/23/2010 5:10:33 PM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		Ello!

Really good advice so far..

I'd suggest you talk a little more about the non-kinky things you're looking for in a partner, and the things you enjoy.

Can I also gently suggest that you might want to check the spelling/grammar.



_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to barbiegirl64)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: looking for dom - 7/24/2010 2:50:24 AM   
Ropeart3


Posts: 2
Joined: 7/9/2010
Status: offline 		Hi pet,
A true Dom dresses in black. They never use metal handcuffs, unless the sub desires and this being the easiest way to recognise a true Dom ask them if they use them to restrain there subs. They should either ue ropesor quick release lockable ones
LM  

(in reply to barbiegirl64)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: looking for dom - 7/24/2010 5:15:49 AM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Ropeart3

Hi pet,
A true Dom dresses in black. They never use metal handcuffs, unless the sub desires and this being the easiest way to recognise a true Dom ask them if they use them to restrain there subs. They should either ue ropesor quick release lockable ones
LM  


ah shit.... the dom I am seeing was wearing a eggshell blue Ralph Lauren shirt the other night ..... he seemed so weal and twue at the time.  guess I am available once more


_____________________________

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. Martin Luther King
Godmother of the subbie mafia
My all time favourite threads
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=2002501
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=790885

(in reply to Ropeart3)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: looking for dom - 7/24/2010 5:52:12 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mstrjx

If you're looking at profiles here on CM, look at the ones that take the time to have everything spelled correctly, where the grammer is decent and where the entirety is in sentences. A
Jeff


Heh...couldn't resist. Grammar.

_____________________________



(in reply to mstrjx)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: looking for dom - 7/24/2010 5:58:37 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Ropeart3

Hi pet,
A true Dom dresses in black. They never use metal handcuffs, unless the sub desires and this being the easiest way to recognise a true Dom ask them if they use them to restrain there subs. They should either ue ropesor quick release lockable ones
LM  


Aw fuck...Shore is fake???? I never knew.
I figured he was true because he tends to do whatever he wants to me whenever he wants to.
Must go throw out those metal handcuffs and forget about the night he hog tied me with them in the Borgata in Atlantic City and then gave me a piss enema when he woke up.

_____________________________



(in reply to Ropeart3)
Profile   Post #: 20
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