ElanSubdued
Posts: 1511
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CynthiaWVirginia,
--- 1) Did reading BDSM porn stories have an
--- influence on leading you into the lifestyle?
Yes. Absolutely. In fact, were it not for reading The Story of O at an extremely young age (granted, this work isn't a realistic template for BDSM relationships), I may not have started exploring. Mind you, I do tend to think kinky people are wired as such so perhaps, though O was the catalyst, something else might have equally appealed to me.
--- 2) Has reading BDSM porn helped you to
--- understand yourself better, your needs and
--- dreams... in such a way that it helped you
--- when you started scening r/t?
Short answer: no.
More detailed answer: reading (and looking) at this kind of material is sometimes a turn-on and it can introduce ideas I've not thought of before. Much of what is shown in BDSM porn isn't realistic and is accomplished with props. Also, of course, the stuff is riddled with stereotypes and imagery that has little to do with consensual play and/or consensual BDSM relationships. There is a category of BDSM porn that is not so much pornographic as simply an engineering challenge or something for intense, shock value. Much of what Kink.com does and the (now defunct) InSex.com featured material like this. When using porn of any kind for ideas and to engage the fantasy mind, I think it's important to approach this recognizing much of it is far removed from reality, just as Hollywood movies are far removed from reality. One can glean high-level, conceptual ideas, but to literally translate a lot of what is in BDSM porn into real life is infeasible and undesirable.
I'd say the biggest thing that helped me understand my needs is getting out in my local, BDSM community, attending events, talking with others, and actually having BDSM relationships. The most important realization I've come to is meeting people in BDSM isn't different from vanilla relationships. The courtesies, kindnesses, communication skills, and a whole bunch of other things are exactly the same because, whether kinksters want to admit this or not, we're a subset of the vanilla world and there's a whole lotta' vanilla in all of us. A kiss is still a kiss, regardless of whether you wrap it in D/s or girl-next-door goodness. (Of course, kinksters might perv out on the girl-next-door, putting her in bondage, tormenting her, and whipping her until she begged to be kissed... provided she consented to all of this. None-the-less, I think my point is clear. :-)
--- 3) Did reading BDSM porn stories cause
--- any difficulties, by programming you into
--- thinking Dommes behaved in certain ways,
--- that subs/slaves had to behave in certain
--- ways... anything that clashed with your r/t
--- and made it more difficult than it had to be?
Ironically, it wasn't BDSM porn that clashed with my real time/real life experiences. Even at young age, I always had a good handle on the fact porn is porn and is not desirable/realistic for real life. I've never expected people to behave as depicted in this material. What did clash (and hence the irony) is the early encounters I had with dominant women. Many of these women did things in non-consensual ways and/or used their position and my newness to manipulate me in unhealthy ways. Also, unfortunately, I ran into a number of pseudo pro dommes - those of the unethical variety who don't disclose up front that they're looking for fees and professional encounters. During my initial forays into BDSM, the dominant women I met spoke very badly for dominant women as a whole. Consequently, I made the mistake of thinking all dommes were just calculated, coldhearted usurers. Fortunately, as time went on, I did meet dominant women who impressed me with their integrity, kindness, humanity, balance, and leadership skills. That changed the world for me because up to that point I thought the dominant woman I wanted to meet didn't exist.
--- 4) Did you have trouble "hearing" what
--- Dommes said because you tried too hard
--- to be the perfect sub... just like in all those
--- stories? Think of it as a problem with
--- language processing; when she said one
--- thing, did you use your past knowledge of
--- BDSM porn to interpret what she was
--- "really" saying?
No to all the above. However, I did have some unrealistic expectations that were developed between my partners and myself. We "kinked out" on the notion of absolute 24/7 BDSM. In reality, this is very hard to achieve for both the dominant and the s-type, and not that desirable either. There's a big difference between respectful, positive BDSM dynamics that are always there yet not necessarily always at the forefront and 24/7 micromanagement. I don't know too many dommes (if any) who want to be in constant management mode. And, indeed, it's nice when your partner can take initiative and manage themselves while still respecting agreed upon dynamics and responsibilities.
--- I will never have dangly parts. I am not used
--- to looking at porn and have not read BDSM
--- porn stories... until now, because I want to
--- understand more about what shaped a male
--- submissive's thoughts. Educate me.
Respectfully, I'd say it's a mistake to think BDSM porn is what shapes male submissives' minds. Also, I think it's important to distinguish between Internet oriented, drive-by submissives (commonly called wankers and "do-me boys" here on CM) and submissives who have spent a great deal of time in self reflection and learning about BDSM and submission in real life.
While The Story of O did get me thinking about BDSM, in general, BDSM porn has very little to do with what shapes me as a submissive. Outwardly, I don't dress in fetish attire and I could care less whether my partner does either. I prefer my partner to wear whatever she is comfortable in and whatever makes her feel good. Inwardly, while kinky, sexy stories can be a turn-on, they have very little bearing on what connects with me emotionally and on how I communicate with my partner. Indeed, the high-heel wearing, "it's all about me", uber bitch domme" often shown in porn is of no interest to me whatsoever.
Using the Hollywood movie metaphor once again, BDSM porn is salacious entrainment in the same way, to a lesser degree, Hollywood action movies are. A domme wanting to know how my mind works and what inspires my submission would be well served reading about MBTI (Meyers Briggs Type Analysis) and the skills and desires of those who choose to follow instead of lead. There are quite a few books on leadership, but I can't think of one that reflects the executive assistant. Still, that's how I generally identify in my BDSM relationships - as a well balanced, extremely capable, loving, executive assistant.
About dangly parts and reading porn, and dangly parts and submission... I don't believe there are any correlations. Not that this is a statistically valid sampling, but of the kinky men and women I know (dominants, switches, and submissives), some enjoy porn and some don't. It's just as likely one of my female friends enjoys porn as does one of my male friends. All my kinky friends enjoy pervy, BDSM-oriented images and images that are just plain sexy. Sometimes these images can be quite edgy. I won't define "edgy" (because this isn't instrumental to the conversation) other than to clarify I'm not talking about just nudity. Nudity may be involved, but often it's a look or a particular activity that captures interest.
--- Thanks in advance to anyone who
--- will try to help me with this.
You're welcome. :-)
Elan.
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BDSM porn stories...I have some questions - 
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