Do you feel guilty and ashamed of your submissive feelings?

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Do you feel guilty and ashamed of your submissive feeli... - 7/30/2010 10:52:07 PM

HopelesslySub

Posts: 9
Joined: 6/13/2010
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I am a guy in his 20s who likes the idea of submitting to women. But recently I have started feeling very ashamed and guilty about it. It has taken over my life and I feel set me up for failure. Nature works by the victory of the dominant and the failure and death of the weak. But I feel the way I feel about women since I was literally born! It sometimes feels like a disability to me. But it's sweet at the same time and I keep going back to it. I'm like a self-destructive drug addict.

Post #: 1

RE: Do you feel guilty and ashamed of your submissive f... - 7/30/2010 11:13:06 PM

peppermint

Posts: 5170
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

What does domination and submission have to do with failure and victory? There are dominant personalities who are failures. There are those with submissive personalities who have been very victorious in life.

There are men who lead very dominant lives except that they are submissive to their women. They are business executives. They are managers of large companies. How in the heck do you come to the conclusion that these men are failures?

Look....you don't have to understand why you are submissive. All you have to do is realize who you are and love yourself for all the wonderful things that make you a wonderful person. Once you do that you will never need to be ashamed of being human again.

(in reply to HopelesslySub)

Post #: 2

RE: Do you feel guilty and ashamed of your submissive f... - 7/30/2010 11:36:39 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

No, I don't, but I do think you can have balance and still be true to your submissive feelings. My life and relationships are NOT primarily about bdsm.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to HopelesslySub)

Post #: 3

RE: Do you feel guilty and ashamed of your submissive f... - 7/31/2010 12:25:25 AM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

I'm not entirely sure why you equate submission with weakness, and dominance with strength? I'm a sub, but I'm anything but weak and I'm certainly no failure!

I would not expect a partner to be infallible either - he will be dominant, but he will need ME to make US a success. Dominants NEED submissives, and vice versa. Being together is what gives us both strength.

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to HopelesslySub)

Post #: 4

RE: Do you feel guilty and ashamed of your submissive f... - 7/31/2010 3:15:14 AM

ProlificNeeds

Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline

It's only self destructive if you make it that way.
One of my first encounters in switching was with a young man who... thought he was suppose to be dominant, and in point of fact craved submissive exchanges. He enjoyed being the play-slave or submissive when it came to sex. Sometimes he even enjoyed a bit of power exchange outside the bedroom. However I noticed in a short period of time after we started experimenting with switching, he would fight with me, often, picking arguments about nothing, purposefully acting 'defiant' when there was nothing to really defy. At the heart of the matter he too was .. conflicted, ashamed of wanting to be submissive, of actually doing it. It struck him as 'wrong' logically but 'felt good' when he stopped trying to logic himself and just let himself go. As a result of his confusion he often got mad at -me- afterwards as the most closely related thing to get mad at. He wanted to blame someone else, then himself, it took him a long time to realize there's no blame to lay because.. there was nothing wrong with him, with his activities, with enjoying his submissive indulgences.

He had many of the ingrained issues males are brought up with, that he had to be 'strong' a leader, commanding of others, ect ect, and most especially, sexually he should be 'robust' or whatever image of dominant sexuality you might have.

We're not animals anymore where 'only the strong should breed to create strong offspring' and you have to duel other males for rights to hump. We are creatures who mate for pleasure, not survival of the fittest. You should sit down and take time each week to analyze your feelings after encounters where you're left confused. Do you really dislike what happened or who you are? or is it other peoples expectations you're not living up to?
You can be perfectly successful in a job, in family, in life... and still enjoy being a submissive in your sexual relationships. You just have to start realizing it in yourself. Submission is a choice, not a weakness, and it's a preference, not a disability. Is liking someone of the same sex a disability? Certainly not. Being a submissive male is just a preference for pleasure, YOUR pleasure. Worry about your happiness more and less about the stereotypes society has tried to ingrain in you.

(in reply to myotherself)

Post #: 5

RE: Do you feel guilty and ashamed of your submissive f... - 7/31/2010 3:25:30 AM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

Determining your own identity, whatever it is, can be the most freeing, calming sensation that one can experience. Clarity for the first time.

Once you can embrace 'who you are', your life will lose one of its unnecessary complexities.

Basically I agree with the ideas before me, but I wanted to add those two things to the mix if it could help.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to ProlificNeeds)

Post #: 6

RE: Do you feel guilty and ashamed of your submissive f... - 7/31/2010 4:46:38 AM

slavekal

Posts: 1486
Joined: 7/20/2004
Status: offline

Not at all. It is possible to submit and still be strong and masculine. You need not feel guilty.

_____________________________

"The Courage to Submit: the submissive male's guide to finding a dominant woman"
http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/the-courage-to-submit-the-guide-for-the-submissive-male-seeking-a-dominant-woman/5968917

(in reply to HopelesslySub)

Post #: 7

RE: Do you feel guilty and ashamed of your submissive f... - 7/31/2010 6:30:08 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

What do you mean by "submit"? During bedroom activities, or in normal life? In public or in private?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to slavekal)

Post #: 8

RE: Do you feel guilty and ashamed of your submissive f... - 7/31/2010 6:39:07 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I've known many CEOs in my life. The majority of them were married to women who were the heads of households. Nobody wants to work 12 hours a day and then go home and do the same thing for free. In this case, decision making.

Looking back, I can see that many of these men divorced their first wives because the wives were more traditional and did not want to rule the roost. But these men came home from very stressful jobs and wanted someone else to make all the decisions at home.

So yes, submissive to women but successful in their field can very well be the norm.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 9

RE: Do you feel guilty and ashamed of your submissive f... - 7/31/2010 7:17:55 AM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

Nobody wants to work 12 hours a day and then go home and do the same thing for free. In this case, decision making.

Nobody? Himself is the CEO of a multi-million dollar company parented to a multi-billion dollar company but he delegates rather than micro-manages both at work and at home. He makes decisions at work on a daily basis which involve tens of thousands of dollars or even millions of dollars then comes home and makes decisions which involve hundreds of dollars or sometimes just 20 dollars. He surrounds himself with folks who are excellent at what they do and that makes his life easier in all aspects, at work and at home. To give over the decision making power to someone else is just not part of his nature and I truly don't believe that he is unique in that respect. His eyes, quite literally, light up when he talks about having power. He's so cute that way. ::chuckles::

The more power and influence he has, the happier he is and that makes him want even more power, not less. He has often told me that he does what he does not for the money but for the power and that gets me squishy inside and out.

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 10

RE: Do you feel guilty and ashamed of your submissive f... - 7/31/2010 8:12:39 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

Nobody wants to work 12 hours a day and then go home and do the same thing for free. In this case, decision making.

Nobody? Himself is the CEO of a multi-million dollar company parented to a multi-billion dollar company but he delegates rather than micro-manages both at work and at home. He makes decisions at work on a daily basis which involve tens of thousands of dollars or even millions of dollars then comes home and makes decisions which involve hundreds of dollars or sometimes just 20 dollars. He surrounds himself with folks who are excellent at what they do and that makes his life easier in all aspects, at work and at home. To give over the decision making power to someone else is just not part of his nature and I truly don't believe that he is unique in that respect. His eyes, quite literally, light up when he talks about having power. He's so cute that way. ::chuckles::

The more power and influence he has, the happier he is and that makes him want even more power, not less. He has often told me that he does what he does not for the money but for the power and that gets me squishy inside and out.

I am seeing someone that literally has people's lives in his hands every day. He, likewise, does not shy away from power and control. Being out with him it is very clear he is a man that is used to making decisions, making them quickly, and then expects those decisions to be carried out. I find this very sexy

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 11

RE: Do you feel guilty and ashamed of your submissive f... - 7/31/2010 8:23:38 AM

pogo4pres

Posts: 593
Joined: 1/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HopelesslySub

I am a guy in his 20s who likes the idea of submitting to women. But recently I have started feeling very ashamed and guilty about it. It has taken over my life and I feel set me up for failure. Nature works by the victory of the dominant and the failure and death of the weak. But I feel the way I feel about women since I was literally born! It sometimes feels like a disability to me. But it's sweet at the same time and I keep going back to it. I'm like a self-destructive drug addict.

Seriously in your 20's and feeling guilt, try being in your 50's and at the search for 30 plus years, then get back to me. ;-) Really it is not a thing to feel guilt or be ashamed of, many of us have these feelings, some have them stronger than others. Go with the flow, I'd say google the term "munch" for your area. Get to know the women, be respectful, be yourself, and if you can go for humor. Above all don't be "pushy" about it.

(in reply to HopelesslySub)

Post #: 12

RE: Do you feel guilty and ashamed of your submissive f... - 7/31/2010 8:27:27 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

~Fast Reply~

No, I never feel guilty about being submissive. There are plenty of other things that I feel guilty about but not being submissive.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to HopelesslySub)

Post #: 13

RE: Do you feel guilty and ashamed of your submissive f... - 7/31/2010 8:58:04 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline

yes, sexually i have had confusion, guilt and shame feelings, and still sometimes.

(in reply to HopelesslySub)

Post #: 14

RE: Do you feel guilty and ashamed of your submissive f... - 7/31/2010 10:09:53 AM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

No, I don't, but I do think you can have balance and still be true to your submissive feelings. My life and relationships are NOT primarily about bdsm.

What she said. Also, being submissive in your sexual life is not mutually exclusive of being assertive in all the other areas of your life.

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 15

RE: Do you feel guilty and ashamed of your submissive f... - 7/31/2010 10:14:33 AM

yoursforpleasure

Posts: 3
Joined: 9/25/2007
Status: offline

i do understand how you feel as i felt ashamed of my feelings throughout my late teens and early twenties. i thought i was a freak of nature and lost all sense of self worth. i was lucky as i met someone who embraced who i was and accepted me for me. They taught me that life would be boring if we were all the same and that just needed to be myself. Still took me years to have the attitude that i am what i am, so like it or lump it.

(in reply to peppermint)

Post #: 16

RE: Do you feel guilty and ashamed of your submissive f... - 7/31/2010 12:56:58 PM

junecleaver

Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline

I often wonder how I would deal with being submissive and being a guy. I'll say this with all the proper caveats: people are allowed to do, to be, and to feel whatever they want and I'm honestly fine with that. I don't think there is a certain way a man has to be, but my gut reaction will always be 'men are dominant.' So when I see men who are not dominant, it does strike me as odd.

It sounds like you are not necessarily dealing with feelings of guilt but rather trying to reconcile your submissiveness and your guyness. Does being submissive make you less manly? Nope. I'm sure there are lots of male submissives out there who can provide some perspective and light on this.

_____________________________

"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to HopelesslySub)

Post #: 17

RE: Do you feel guilty and ashamed of your submissive f... - 7/31/2010 1:03:42 PM

servantforuse

Posts: 6363
Joined: 3/8/2006
Status: offline

I am a submissive male and had those feelings at a very young age. I also had what some would call a macho job for 30 + years as a lineman for the Phone Co. No one I worked with all of those years would have a clue about my other life. I also was never ashamed by my feelings. I enjoyed being the slave.

(in reply to junecleaver)

Post #: 18

RE: Do you feel guilty and ashamed of your submissive f... - 8/1/2010 12:40:40 AM

subwaythru

Posts: 4038
Joined: 3/31/2010
Status: offline

I didn't even know what submissive was and what I was all through my life. I led a very sheltered life and had no exposure to the "lifestyle" at all. I suffered quite a lot because what I was in my own head and heart was certainly not what I heard when I heard others confiding their fantasies and exploits. I felt so ashamed, but just because I was ashamed, it did not stop me from being what I was and wanting the things I wanted. I learned to never, ever say a word about my feelings, because the little I did learn told me that it was deviant, it was bad, it was wrong. Therefore, I got the clear picture that I was deviant, I was bad, I was wrong.

Even when someone finally told me what I am and told me that there is nothing wrong with me and that there are other people like me, I still had feelings of being bad and wrong, because once I started to learn about the "lifestyle", everything I read and saw showed submissives in absolute misery at the mercy of Big Bad Doms, and I certainly didn't see anything there that would make little ole me be in misery. A very nice Dom told me that I could rest assured that those submissives were having themselves a fine time in those books and those pictures.
Then I even fretted that a Dom would be terribly bored, putting in all that effort into whatever he would be doing, and here I would be the only one getting any pleasure out of it at all! I just got myself coming and going, damned if I did and damned if I didn't.

Talking to people who were knowledgeable and open-minded and kind helped me immeasurably. I cannot know what it is like to be a man who is submissive, but I can tell you that I suffered much of the pain and shame that you describe. Surrounding yourself with supportive people who, if they can't understand, at least respect who and what you are, and not going to Radio Shack for bread by trying to fit into society's idea of what a man ought to be, or trying to get acceptance from people who cannot accept that different is not bad.

No, I do not feel ashamed any more of what and who I am. I don't share about it around the water cooler at work, that's for sure, but then, it's nobody's business but mine and the people with whom I make choices to share it. And most especially, I would never, ever waste a moment of my time with a Dom (much less be under the care of a Master) who did not profoundly respect what and who I am, and acknowledge that, truly, without a slave there can be no Master.

_____________________________

miss s

(in reply to servantforuse)

Post #: 19

RE: Do you feel guilty and ashamed of your submissive f... - 8/1/2010 6:55:15 AM

UniqueRaven

Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

i always knew i was born to be a slave, even from very, very young. i tend to believe that people really are "born" with that sort of wiring.

But as i was growing up in a conservative household, with a mother who was both a stay-at-home Mom and a feminist at the same time (i know, i know), i became very confused. i also was raised in a conservative religion, and i often thought and felt that my slave needs and fantasies were "sick" in some way - honestly i thought i was going to go straight to hell.

i hid those thoughts and feeling most of my young life, figuring that they were just fantasies, and married a man who was entirely wrong for me before i even left college. In my mid-20s was when the internet came along for me and all of a sudden i learned that there were other people "out there" just like me - and actually lived this life.

When i went to talk to my now-ex-husband about my needs, and my discovery, he told me i was "sick" and "perverted" and even implied that i was dangerous somehow. This really hurt me. i was ashamed. But as i spent more time on the internet, reading all sorts of things, the more and more i realized i wasn't any of those things - that this is a healthy lifestyle for me, and the one that is right for me.

After i divorced my ex-husband i went straight into 24/7 slavery and never looked back. But it still took me a while to get over all those feelings. Everytime my previous Master wanted to do something with me i had to get over the anguish of feeling that what i was doing was wrong somehow. These sorts of feelings and self-judgments get engrained in us very, very deeply, and take time to work with and overcome. But now, today, i'm fulfilled - and i know that the time, and the effort, has been worth it.

i encourage you to be gentle with yourself, and stop judging your feelings and needs. They are neither "bad" nor "good" - they are simply you. And the more you explore, and find people who identify like you, and support you in it, the easier it will become.

And no matter what, choose to be happy - because that will get you moving forward a lot faster than anything else.

Good luck to you.

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

(in reply to HopelesslySub)

Post #: 20

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