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Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 1:33:36 AM

gungadin09

Posts: 3232
Joined: 3/19/2010
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Okay, so not all Dominants are. But recently i've been struck by how many Doms i've met (and, admittedly, there aren't that many) who seem to be waiting for me to make the first move towards a relationship. i guess i have this sterotype of Dominants as being confident, secure, outgoing, and not overly concerned about other people's opinions.

That's the notion that i've had, but from my own (limited!) experience, i would have to say that in reality, the opposite is true. The Doms i've met seem cautious, even shy, about making their interest in me known until they are sure that i will return their affection. They will drop hints, but i'm usually the one to go out on a limb and broadcast my interest in them, before They will come right out and say what they want.

In a way, this makes sense. The Dominant has more to lose if They misjudge the situation. If i expose myself to someone as a submissive, they might think i'm a freak, but they won't judge me as a terrible, abusive person, or even a sociopath. Maybe there's a bigger stigma attached to Dominance than to submission, in the vanilla world. Maybe that's why Dominants hold back a bit, depending on the sub to make the first move towards a relationship. Or maybe i'm wrong, and i've just happened to meet a few timid Doms.

What do you think?

pam

Post #: 1

RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 2:17:13 AM

Dreamless

Posts: 104
Joined: 7/30/2010
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Some dominants are shy and others are confident. Some submissives are absolutely confident, outgoing people and others are shy and quiet. In my experience, there are quite a few quiet doms and quite a few outgoing subs... some of it may be attached to the stigma of dominance = abuse, but I think it's really just a variety of personalities showing up.

As you said, it's a stereotype that all doms are confident and outgoing. I'm certainly not extrovorted, though I could care less what people think of me.

There are timid doms and timid subs. Life goes on and I've met a wild variety of personalities of every orientation just by lurking.

(in reply to gungadin09)

Post #: 2

RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 2:42:09 AM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
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From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
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Shy . . . surely you jest.

Hmmm... picture this: Shy, withdrawn dude who likes controling dominant situations like bondage, ropes, whips, knives etc. but can't muster the balls to be personally forthcoming with his personality in social context . . . sounds like CREEPY serial killer steriotype. We're talking Norman Bates here aren't we?

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Post #: 3

RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 3:55:46 AM

CynthiaWVirginia

Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline

quote:

The Dominant has more to lose if They misjudge the situation. If i expose myself to someone as a submissive, they might think i'm a freak, but they won't judge me as a terrible, abusive person, or even a sociopath. Maybe there's a bigger stigma attached to Dominance than to submission, in the vanilla world. Maybe that's why Dominants hold back a bit, depending on the sub to make the first move towards a relationship. Or maybe i'm wrong, and i've just happened to meet a few timid Doms.

What do you think?

Maybe it is different because I am female, or maybe it's just my personality, but I do not like going into what feels like manager mode around people who are not mine. There are some vanilla people who are friends or family, and it is appropriate to be like this with them, as they have given me this power. (I can't be the only one to have submissive vanilla friends and submissive family members.)

I have been told by several people that I am not bitch enough to be Domme, that I am too nice and laid back. But ones who made those comments had never been mine, nor had even bottomed for me so how would they possibly know, lol. I doubt every dominant here goes to work and tells everyone, including their bosses, what to do, or plays drill sergeant to everyone else's children, etc.

With me, this is erotic power exchange...if I get a crush on someone I want to torment him, hurt him a little and boss him around. I don't feel this way about every male I talk to or chat with.

There is something odd, in these past five years or so I have become strangely aware of territory...very aware of when I am not in mine, or when someone has just (metaphorically speaking) hiked up their leg and marked something within my territory. I never knew I felt this way and the aggressive feelings are disconcerting.

About the stigma, yes. I am very aware of it. When my mother found out she thought I liked to be abusive to men.

Newbies I meet often think that Dommes abuse subs, they are afraid but strangely drawn and keep a wary eye on me...that I may suddenly sprout another personality out of the blue, an evil one that will ignore hard limits and safe words. So yes, I spend a lot of time putting people at their ease, making them feel safe in my presence so they will trust me enough to relax and submit to being blindfolded and/or put into restraints.

(in reply to gungadin09)

Post #: 4

RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 5:01:51 AM

weaselwelder

Posts: 72
Joined: 6/22/2009
Status: offline

I wouldn't say that there's a greater social stigma attached to being dominant, but I would say that there's a grater chance of police involvement if you talk about what you're into with the wrong person who didn't understand.

(in reply to CynthiaWVirginia)

Post #: 5

RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 5:08:59 AM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
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............. or youve met a few guys who realise that they cant force you to submit to them, they cant Dominate you without youre submission and until they know that you are on that wave length they are politely and quite rightly biding their time.

there is nothing more annoying or arrogant than a D'type swaggering up and issuing forth domly missives just because you identify as sub and should therefore be explicitly submissive to all and sundry, even before youve learnt their first name. trust me, you dont want to go there.

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So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to weaselwelder)

Post #: 6

RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 5:19:15 AM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

sounds like CREEPY serial killer steriotype. We're talking Norman Bates here aren't we?

Watch where you wave that stick around, you're gonna poke someone in the eye!

This is a fine line I have a tendency to walk.

I can be awfully quiet in a public situation, especially if I'm disinterested. I can be awfully quiet period but if I'm on my own I can excuse that and talk to myself when I need to.

A long time ago I was at my first munch and it didn't dawn on me until later that the male doms all seemed to cluster and try and figure out who the biggest rooster's ass could be. I was naturally apart from that, both physically and in demeanor. That was my natural tendency. I'm not apologetic for it.

Personality is something I consider from time to time and it was just yesterday or the day before I was considering mine. Even though I'm quiet (by choice), I have no trouble getting attention, or becoming the driving influence in a group, or whatever. It's not because I'm grotesque (well, not in a Picasso sorta way), but because I have a pretty large personality. Animated, lots of quirky looks for effect. That sort of thing. It tends to cut through whatever else is there when it needs to.

Looks can be deceiving.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 7

RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 5:42:13 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dreamless

Some dominants are shy and others are confident.

Here I disagree! Shyness oft has nothing to do with lack of confidence. Granted, in many cases both go side by side and again there are levels of confidence. You may be extreemly confident in a number of things but in others probably duer to lack of experience are not so confident. Also there is what could be called a social shyness often seen as someone who is just very quiet and does not join in with the "go getter" type of crowd or the over confident and "life of the party" type. (Some of those are over compensation for their lack of social skills or severe shyness too). Again there are people who (and I am one) who suffers from chronic shyness socially. Few pick it because socially I am usually either busy or with people who I know well and relax with. Other times I sit on the outer in a smoking area and watch Neets social butterfly around.

_____________________________

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Master of Bruin Cottage

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Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to Dreamless)

Post #: 8

RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 5:51:08 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

Shy . . . surely you jest.

Hmmm... picture this: Shy, withdrawn dude who likes controling dominant situations like bondage, ropes, whips, knives etc. but can't muster the balls to be personally forthcoming with his personality in social context . . . sounds like CREEPY serial killer steriotype. We're talking Norman Bates here aren't we?

Well I guess I fit your profile for a serial killer then.. Funny it doesn't ring true with other profiles done on serial killers though. I have specific social aversions one of which is on a social level and when I am not the hoist, is walking up to people and introducing myself... No problems if I were on duty, the host or if the function was about something I am involved in as different to a mundane social gathering or munch. Business wise I'll happily talk to everyone which is called networking and I'm jolly good at working a crowd when I have to. However all this takes me out of my comfort zone where as at a party or some such gathering, I enjoy sitting back watching, listening, and aye analysing people. Again my choice, my call. I know I miss out on meeting some people who I probably would like to meet but too, I always have my back covered and prefer to control the surroundings in which I do meet people.. Saves so much in the longrun.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 9

RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 6:06:17 AM

DarkSteven

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Joined: 5/2/2008
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First, pam, I get the feeling that you're talking meeting people in RL, not online - when do they show you that they're kinky and what their orientation is?

I typically show my interest in a woman, and ask them out. Before that first date and during, I watch her to see how she relates to me. If things go well, I will show initiative in a vanilla way.

If things proceed to the bedroom, I will do some gentle taking charge, maybe swat her ass a few times. I also simply say that I like to take charge in bed.

I suppose my answer is that I proceed with the relationship first, and introduce the kink later on.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 10

RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 6:53:27 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I used to have this problem with doms all the time.

I made it easy for them by simply passing on them.

I waited until I found a man who understood what I was seeking.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 11

RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 7:07:08 AM

DomImus

Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: gungadin09
Okay, so not all Dominants are. But recently I've been struck by how many Doms I've met (and, admittedly, there aren't that many) who seem to be waiting for me to make the first move towards a relationship. i guess i have this stereotype of Dominants as being confident, secure, outgoing, and not overly concerned about other people's opinions.

What do you think?

I think that the submissive nation has reaped what it has sown.

_____________________________

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." Sidney J. harris

(in reply to gungadin09)

Post #: 12

RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 7:08:41 AM

UniqueRaven

Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

i don't know about shyness, but i have noticed that many more Doms are introverts than the general population.

i ascribe to Myers-Briggs personality topology - in which i am an ENFP (E standing for extrovert). It's the only personality test that i've found to be spot on for over 20 years now.

i find that most of the potential Owners i have spoken with are either INTP or INTJ (I for introvert) - and yes, i do ask them! i've spoken with one INFJ. i would say that 95% are INTP. And my previous Master is an INTP - heavy on the "I".

This doesn't mean that they're not capable of functioning in the real world - most of them are very successful men. My previous Master is an extremely successful man in the world of Finance. But most prefer their "private space" and their "private life" and want that space shared with their submissive/slave(s).

Does this mean shyness? Sometimes, i think, but definitely not always. i almost never make the first move in speaking to someone, and all of them have made the first move in speaking with me. Sometimes i'll indicate interest by "Admiring" somone, but i can count on one hand the times i sent that first email (my profile is currently "turned off" on the other side, fyi).

But, after all this, the Man i'm speaking with right now is an extrovert. Perhaps the first one i've spoken with - the first one i remember anyway.

So you never know. All you can do is smile, and be yourself, and do your best.

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

(in reply to gungadin09)

Post #: 13

RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 7:23:19 AM

Eraser

Posts: 12
Joined: 8/11/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

Shy . . . surely you jest.

Hmmm... picture this: Shy, withdrawn dude who likes controling dominant situations like bondage, ropes, whips, knives etc. but can't muster the balls to be personally forthcoming with his personality in social context . . . sounds like CREEPY serial killer steriotype. We're talking Norman Bates here aren't we?

A stereotype image from a complete lack of knowledge. The same kind of assumption that it would be the quiet kid to shoot up a school.

Actually, the real narcissists and sociopaths who wind up killing people are exactly the opposite. They are perfectly comfortable manipulating and using people and aren't inhibited in any real sense whatsoever.

It also assumes people are either always confidant and outgoing or always shy and inhibited no matter the situation. Which is also wrong. Throw me into a bar with constant loud noise and not knowing anybody without any purpose, I'll be more shy than anyone. Put in me in a group of people with some kind of structure or purpose and I'm extremely confidant and take control. Different social and environmental pressures (or lack of) triggers different behaviors.

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 14

RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 8:13:45 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

If a man really likes me, he is going to be nervous when we meet. I expect this, and desire it. Some people talk overly much when you meet them. Some hardly at all... I would not judge how dominant they are by how nervous they maybe when interacting with someone they may want to dominate you in the future if the date goes well. He may not care about what a lot of people think of him, but he should be caring about what YOU may think of him. He is trying out for the part of "dominant" in your life. He knows this...

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 8/1/2010 8:14:20 AM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

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(in reply to gungadin09)

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RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 8:13:53 AM

jujubeeMB

Posts: 723
Joined: 1/8/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
If things proceed to the bedroom, I will do some gentle taking charge, maybe swat her ass a few times. I also simply say that I like to take charge in bed.

See, this isn't fair. There's no great submissive equivalent to that, and when I'm in bed with a vanilla guy I'm forced to saying things like "I really like...losing control...in bed" and usually he's like "yeah, baby" and proceeds with no clue what the hell I'm talking about

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 16

RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 8:29:42 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I have found no relationship between extrovert, introvert and dominance or submission.
Or top and bottom for that matter. I think it's more likely that you are attracted to shy types and therefore gravitate to them.

Remember, the only constant in all your relationships is you.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to jujubeeMB)

Post #: 17

RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 8:57:49 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I think it's impossible to make such a generalization regarding such a diverse collective of personalities as a whole. It's like saying that people who say their favorite color is blue are more shy than those who say their favorite color is red.

There isn't really much I would make an estimation on regarding theories of those associated with BDSM by going on the overall (forums and other side) population of this site. I wouldn't even make the leap of assumption about who might be shy or bold by the content of My mail here. For example, I am an extrovert, but I often don't contact people that I might be interested in due to the fact that I'm poly. It's not that I'm shy about it. Instead, it has everything to do with the premise that more people are monogamous and I don't ever want anyone to mistakenly think that I'm trying to convert anyone. Also, because the social aspects of BDSM are so important to Me, I'd rather meet people who are already at the local munch anyway. With this, I don't have to waste My time with those who give the long list of reasons why they can't attend a munch once a month.

_____________________________

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Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to DesFIP)

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RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 9:00:11 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
If things proceed to the bedroom, I will do some gentle taking charge, maybe swat her ass a few times. I also simply say that I like to take charge in bed.

See, this isn't fair. There's no great submissive equivalent to that, and when I'm in bed with a vanilla guy I'm forced to saying things like "I really like...losing control...in bed" and usually he's like "yeah, baby" and proceeds with no clue what the hell I'm talking about

Just ask him what he likes in bed. The answer he gives you is almost less important than he he addresses that - with gusto or complete fear!

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to jujubeeMB)

Post #: 19

RE: Are Dominants shyer than submissives? - 8/1/2010 9:40:24 AM

UniqueRaven

Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
If things proceed to the bedroom, I will do some gentle taking charge, maybe swat her ass a few times. I also simply say that I like to take charge in bed.

See, this isn't fair. There's no great submissive equivalent to that, and when I'm in bed with a vanilla guy I'm forced to saying things like "I really like...losing control...in bed" and usually he's like "yeah, baby" and proceeds with no clue what the hell I'm talking about

Just ask him what he likes in bed. The answer he gives you is almost less important than he he addresses that - with gusto or complete fear!

i have found that when i've been casual dating, if things were going well and we were on the second glass of wine - i would look at him over the rim of my wineglass and casually mention "i like to be spanked" in a quiet, somewhat breathless tone of voice. And then say nothing else.

His response would tell me a lot...

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 20

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