I just don't understand

I just don't understand (Full Version)

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petitbateau -> I just don't understand (8/1/2010 5:42:45 PM)
I just had a very weird outburst and I thought I might share my feelings here since other subs and slaves might be able to advice me or just share if you have similar feeling... It's very complicated to explain honestly and writing here I feel like I'm also maybe exposing my feelings too much... But I don't really know where else to look for help or advice as at the moment I am so confused so forgive me if this will look like a bit weird but... well is it... I am having very different and strong ranges of emotions these last weeks from joy to desperation to joy and again back to desperation... I am maybe thinking I might be "simply" bipolar sometimes because I keep shifting from these two extremes of emotions very often. Even towards my owner I feel sometimes deep devotion and sometimes just hate... I don't understand what's happening, or why sometimes I just want to hurt me so badly to actually really damage me... I know I will not do it, I can keep myself controlled enough to avoid this, but at the same time because those "self-damage" thoughts are there in my mind, I feel even bad and sick than ever. I can't control my thoughts, seems like, although I can control my actions to a certain extent. I am scared sometimes and although my Owner is trying to be supportive in this situation, I see there is nothing that he can do to help me so far... I'm just in a mess at the moment. Music somehow is helping in controlling the emotions but I don't understand what's happening nor I know what to do. I just want to be happy but I can't... and it hurts so much I can't explain... [&o]

littlewonder -> RE: I just don't understand (8/1/2010 5:49:17 PM)
personally if it was me and my emotions were running the gamut and I couldn't pinpoint a reason, I'd be speaking to a therapist. Did your owner do something that is bothering you? Is there something that's been on your mind that you're holding back about? Going through subdrop?

Aylee -> RE: I just don't understand (8/1/2010 5:51:47 PM)
Has there been a major life change? That can cause emotional flux. I would talk with your doctor or a counselor. If nothing else they can give you some tools to help deal with this.

DarkSteven -> RE: I just don't understand (8/1/2010 5:55:07 PM)
Before you speak to a therapist, get a physical checkup. See if there's a chemical imbalance.

DesFIP -> RE: I just don't understand (8/1/2010 6:25:30 PM)
Go to the doctor. Have an xray of the thyroid. Periods of rage are often caused by thyroid disease and usually overlooked. If all physical tests come back negative, then go see a psychiatrist to determine if it's bipolar disorder or something else. If all organic illnesses are ruled out, then go in for therapy. In that order: Physician Psychiatrist Psychologist

sweetsub1957 -> RE: I just don't understand (8/1/2010 6:32:54 PM)
~FR~ All of the above. Get checked out physically first to see if there's anything going on. If there is, address it accordingly, before going to therapy. If there's not, get right into therapy/see a psychiatrist. Nobody should have to feel the way you do. There is help out there. ~sweetsub~

ProlificNeeds -> RE: I just don't understand (8/1/2010 11:51:10 PM)
I advocate the above, seek professional help. Go to your doctor and explain the mood swings, the depressive lows, and while he's helping you narrow down what it is, or isn't, you can also try to simplify life a bit. If you've been too busy, too stressed, having highs and lows from intensive scene's or relationship complications... all those things could contribute. Try for a week to simplify life if it's been getting too hectic or too confusing. Avoid situations that will make it worse, confrontations/fighting with people for example. Also make sure you're getting a proper nights rest. The only way to figure out what it is... is process of elimination, your doctor can help you with that... and if your doctor is worth his certificate, he willl help you narrow down more than just the medical but perhaps the life-factors that could be contributing.

ranja -> RE: I just don't understand (8/2/2010 1:18:15 AM)
do you eat healthily? do you use drugs or too much alcohol? do you sleep enough? do you watch too much tv? do you exercise regularly?

NymphetamineGirl -> RE: I just don't understand (8/2/2010 5:15:52 AM)
You are not afraid to look deeply inward, so there is a bright future for you. Confronting this can seem daunting but when we get into the truth of ourselves it is actually a relief. Grief or shame can bind the soul until the light shines on our memories. The skeletons in the closet aren't as scary when we approach them hand in hand with loving support and faith. Today you can be the adult that takes care of the vulnerable parts inside, perhaps in ways others never did. Submission and play require balance and stability; it takes a wellspring of emotional depth. You definitely deserve to feel better than you do.

phoenixmoonn13 -> RE: I just don't understand (8/2/2010 5:42:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven Before you speak to a therapist, get a physical checkup. See if there's a chemical imbalance. i second this one, having just been through nearly tow months of not doing anything right nearly driving my master to distraction i just couldn't get anything done in any sort of order and i knew i was not with it but couldn't pinpoint why then two weeks ago ended up in an ambulance in hospital on antibiotics and painkillers with jaundice and gall stones apparently the jaundice had been creeping up slowly. anyway now its cleared i am back and we look back and in hindsight it was obvious i was ill jsut not enough to see it at the time. so go get a check up you never know whats lurking in your system

RealSub58 -> RE: I just don't understand (8/2/2010 1:26:30 PM)
I know that dominants were not made out of molds....but trying to tell your dom this instead of coming here might help you beyond belief.

RealSub58 -> RE: I just don't understand (8/2/2010 1:45:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ranja do you eat healthily? do you use drugs or too much alcohol? do you sleep enough? do you watch too much tv? do you exercise regularly? you forgot...do you have a social life outside of CM?

cosmicbunny -> RE: I just don't understand (8/2/2010 3:34:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven Before you speak to a therapist, get a physical checkup. See if there's a chemical imbalance. good advice, I had something similar and my iron had dropped to practically nonxistant - there were stress issues as well, and i suppose the combination wasn't a good one, bunny XxX

petitbateau -> RE: I just don't understand (8/2/2010 3:49:46 PM)
Thank you very much everyone for the nice words and the advices... I will indeed have a full check-up as soon as possible, that was the first thing I thought as well... I also thought about a therapist... but it's just I am genuinely surprised about the depth of these feeling and I feel like a child unable to managing them properly alone. I am trying to hold me together in the meanwhile although on work is very difficult because almost everything annoys me deeply ; ; quote: ORIGINAL: RealSub58 but trying to tell your dom this instead of coming here might help you beyond belief. I did already and the reason I am here is because I wanted to see if these feelings and mood swings were just "abnormal" or maybe coherent with someone that didn't really accept totally his place as a sub / slave /whatever. I spoke with my Owner about this and he's patient behind any belief but he's also distant and unable to help. I am not sure is his place to help me in this matter, if it's the case of a specific kind of disorder especially. I know is silly to say so, but I still have to fully accept my "slave" side and maybe this is reflecting sometimes with this outburst and this moods shifts... I don't feel like exactly going to a therapist because, to put it frankly, I was under the impression that my reactions were somehow linked to my process of "acceptance" but I got a bit scared because of the outburst I had yesterday and because the deepness of the feeling are reaching a peak I never experienced. quote: ORIGINAL: ranja do you eat healthily? do you use drugs or too much alcohol? do you sleep enough? do you watch too much tv? do you exercise regularly? you forgot...do you have a social life outside of CM? I try to eat healthily, I'm vegetarian so I'm always quite scrupulous with protein intake and vitamins but I do admit I eat too many sweets :p I don't drink alcohol and I don't use drugs, I don't own a tv, I'm an avid book-worm and I don't exercise mainly because my work is physically intensive. I do sleep my 7-8 hours a day so that's pretty sorted :) I don't have a lot of friends indeed, but none of them are here on CM heheh :p quote: ORIGINAL: NymphetamineGirl You are not afraid to look deeply inward, so there is a bright future for you. Confronting this can seem daunting but when we get into the truth of ourselves it is actually a relief. You definitely deserve to feel better than you do. It's just that I'm looking and waiting for this relief and it's not coming... and I am afraid to look deep inside, especially if the outcome is what is coming out of me in these days. very often I simply think that maybe this is not my path, that maybe I was wrong... I know is difficult, I know the pressure of society in our brain is high and being free from this conditioning of a lifetime is quite difficult, if not impossible... but... well I would like to be able to be happy somehow, which is something is not happening >.> and on top of that now I find myself acting even hysterical ahah that's not good! at the moment though all my looking-inward-thing is stopped suddenly. I don't know what to do and I don't understand what's happening hence I am a bit worried. ; ;

texangael -> RE: I just don't understand (8/2/2010 4:51:18 PM)
quote: It's just that I'm looking and waiting for this relief and it's not coming... and I am afraid to look deep inside, especially if the outcome is what is coming out of me in these days. very often I simply think that maybe this is not my path, that maybe I was wrong... Kudos for the emotional honesty....but afraid or not, looking "deep inside" is not something you're likely to avoid and stay sane. Whatever is "coming out" of you is you. It is a part of who you are. It is a part of who you have been. Whether it is a part of who you will be depends on the choices you make now--to look inside, or to look away.

petitbateau -> RE: I just don't understand (8/3/2010 3:25:34 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder Did your owner do something that is bothering you? Is there something that's been on your mind that you're holding back about? Going through subdrop? I am not familiar with the term "subdrop" and now I can't search online. The outburst of violence indeed was started by a request by my owner but it's nothing I would have problem in doing when "fine". That is also my concern, the reason why a simple instruction made me react so badly... in this case I can pinpoint the starting point since previously the shift was more subtle, but still I can't understand the reasons behind this behaviour. I am sure there is a lot that I am holding back honestly. It's very difficult for me to not hold things back since I spent all my life holding me toghether lol but that's another matter. I'll have a look later into this subdrop subject :p

kateindenver -> RE: I just don't understand (8/15/2010 6:06:22 PM)
hello my name is kate and i am bipolar. i would advise you to seek professional help because you can be helped kate

JARED090369 -> RE: I just don't understand (8/16/2010 2:01:35 PM)
I am a Grand Master at one time had over a dozen slaves and now down in Florida seeking new ones. A start of a new life after being in this lifestyle for 20+ years; I have seen it all and subdrop could be the issue but I doubt it. However; from your words bipolar definitely does not come to mind. I would need to ask a few questions before giving an opinion. Is your time of discipline with your current Master in your mind seem overtly extreme and immediately afterwards how do you feel? Also, can you explain the emotions you feel during the day after say an hour has passed. Do you recieve any other affection not sex from your current Master?

Jeffff -> RE: I just don't understand (8/16/2010 2:51:32 PM)
I would not recommend taking any medical advise from folks on a BDSM message board. Jeffff, purveyor of quality advice for over 50 years! But not a Grand Master.....or even a Grand Vizer.

JARED090369 -> RE: I just don't understand (8/16/2010 3:25:30 PM)
This is not medical advice...this experience talking....I don't feel he has a medical condition...

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