When your partner wants to do something squicky...

When your partner wants to do something squicky... (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

Proprietrix -> When your partner wants to do something squicky... (4/18/2006 7:49:18 PM)
We have a term at my house; squicked out. Now first, let me define this in the context we use it. It's that "icky" feeling one gets over something that's "just wrong". For example: The creepy uncle who wants the little girl to sit on his knee way too much - squicks me out. Having sexual encounters with eels - kinda squicky. A stranger who greatly resembles someone on the FBI's most wanted - quick squick. Michael Jackson - slight squicker. And seeing someone hock a lugie and then suck it back into their mouth before it touches the ground - definitely squicks me out. Now, there are certain activities in this lifestyle that measure pretty darn high on my squickability scale. I don't want to engage in them. I don't want to watch them. I don't want to hear about them. I also engage in a few activities that I know for a fact squick out others. My question is this: If your partner (sub, Dom, play, spouse, whatever) is into something that squicks you out, how do you handle that? It's not like you can possibly bond with them during this activity. You really don't care to hear the details if they go somewhere else and do it. Do you just say "do your squicky thing but I don't want to know"? If you're the authority figure, do you forbid them from doing it? Or worse yet, what if it meant a lot to your person for you to do this squicky thing with them? How would you handle it?

TxBadMan -> RE: When your partner wants to do something squicky... (4/18/2006 7:56:26 PM)
quote: If your partner (sub, Dom, play, spouse, whatever) is into something that squicks you out, how do you handle that? If it turns her on, then I am all for it. quote: It's not like you can possibly bond with them during this activity. You really don't care to hear the details if they go somewhere else and do it. Do you just say "do your squicky thing but I don't want to know"? If you're the authority figure, do you forbid them from doing it? Tikk never does any kind of play without me there, whether I am participating or not. If she wants to do something that just makes me shudder, then we see what we can do to make it happen. quote: Or worse yet, what if it meant a lot to your person for you to do this squicky thing with them? How would you handle it? There have been a couple things that she asked me to do, and I said no way. I know it would have meant more to her if I had, but, the answer was still no.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: When your partner wants to do something squicky... (4/18/2006 7:57:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Proprietrix My question is this: If your partner (sub, Dom, play, spouse, whatever) is into something that squicks you out, how do you handle that? It's not like you can possibly bond with them during this activity. You really don't care to hear the details if they go somewhere else and do it. Do you just say "do your squicky thing but I don't want to know"? If you're the authority figure, do you forbid them from doing it? Or worse yet, what if it meant a lot to your person for you to do this squicky thing with them? How would you handle it? I give it time. For me, I deal well with difficult or big changes when I can leave it alone, let myself mull it at my liesure and roll it over and over again. Chances are, give me time, and I'll work myself through it. We also talk- A LOT. WHy do they want it? Where does it come from? What exactly do they want? What exactly do they want from me? How will they feel about it afterwards? Is this a one-shot or something they want to develop and become a regular part of our lives? The more information and perspective I have about it, the better idea I can get in my head and better wrapped around it I become. Usually after all this I'll say "Sure I'll give it a whirl" and we do it once. Then more evaluating. I might be ok to try it again, might fall in love with it or might confirm that it sucks. (I don't say yes to trying it unless I REALLY am open to it) If it really is something that isn't going to work for me, but something my partner really needs- we try and find them someone else who can mesh on that level. That's one of the benefits of open poly.

DelightMachine -> RE: When your partner wants to do something squicky... (4/18/2006 7:58:23 PM)
As a submissive, it's real simple: I do whatever she wants me to do that doesn't violate my few hard rules -- essentially, nothing I find dangerous, immoral or that shock or really disturb vanilla people (if they're around) or that violate my outward conservative appearance (no Mohawk haircut, for instance). "Squicky" things with me specifically don't count. It's an expression of my submissiveness to do them for her. So far I haven't been asked to do anything I find too difficult or disgusting, and I'm pretty sure in most things, my disgust level has been well below (above?) that of any owner I've had -- meaning I'm more willing to do it or experience it than they are.

GirlwithBoots -> RE: When your partner wants to do something squicky... (4/18/2006 8:01:50 PM)
Wow, squicky. Good word creation. It hasn't really come up for me, but I'm sure it will at some point. Mostly it's because I'm way open minded about things and fairly accomodating in the giving area. But... if my partner was into something that really squicked me out, how I would reacte would really depending on just how bloody squicky it was. There are some things that I would just not tolerate in a partner, some that they could go play with elsewhere and some that I might consider compromising on. Also a lot would depend on just how much this partner meant to me. Here's hoping I don't run into too much squickiness in the future.

starymists -> RE: When your partner wants to do something squicky... (4/18/2006 8:11:37 PM)
There are things that I have been known to say "If it happens, I don't know anything about it". But those kinds of things tend to be things that ick me out in real life...like infantilism. Big no no in Tessa's space. That being said, I tend to take my pleasure from my Dominant's pleasure. Whether I like something or not, if he is enjoying himself, it will affect how I perceive a given activity. I have been known to be with someone, enjoy an activity, but then not enjoy it with someone else. All of that being said, I agree with Lucky. There are distinct benefits to being poly :)

rawney62 -> RE: When your partner wants to do something squicky... (4/18/2006 8:46:49 PM)
Master and i were talking last night, while lying in bed. He jokingly brought something up for us to try(at least i sincerely hope He was joking). All i can say is, i had a "squicky " reaction. It was just way wrong, and i had no problem letting Him know that that was something that i could not do, There have been other things that i had to mull over and consider the pros and cons of before i could do them, so i guess my answer to this would be that it depended on the "squicky" thing being considered, if it was done to please Him or not. And there have been one or two things that i initially considered "squicky" that once i tried it, it wasn't too bad and one or two that i actually enjoyed.

MasterFireMaam -> RE: When your partner wants to do something squicky... (4/18/2006 9:19:19 PM)
I suppose it would depend on the item's "squick factor" (a phrase we have in my home). If it ranked high, I'd doubt I'd do it no matter how much they wanted it. This would be scat play for me. If the squick factor was low, I'd be willing to talk about it and maybe, just maybe, try it. It would all depend on the conversation, what the rationale behind the request was, how it'd make them feel, how it'd make me feel , etc. etc. I'd say about the only thing you can do is to talk about it...even if that's only to explain why you WON'T do it. Fire

SusanofO -> RE: When your partner wants to do something squicky... (4/18/2006 9:34:29 PM)
Reading this thread, the "Dominant's Limits" thread in the Ask a Master Section, and the "Vanilla Interests" thread started by Goddess Dusty yesterday, has been enlightening. I had to re-evaluate stating in a profile BDSM interests I previously listed as "Hard Limits" and even "Dislikes". I just removed Pedophila as a Hard Limit (yes - if somebody ever wants that, I just don't communicate initially, and that would end a possibility of ever being voluntarily exposed to that for me so why list it. Some people are "into" Scat and Breath Play. I'm not (can't picture it happening anytime soon - probably never, so I listed it as a "Hard Limit"). I have things listed under "Tolerates" or "Dislikes" as way of stating what I believe at this point I am "squicked out" by. If it's listed under "Tolerates" I am "squicked out by it". I am squicked out by Watersports a little. It's not a thing I really think I'd be "into." If I list it under "Dislikes" it means "slightly more "squicked out by it" I guess. But I have little experience in some areas. For actvities involving Rubber, Hoods, Needles, Fireplay, Electrical Play, and KnifePlay (for this last, experience that involved true consent anyway). Does listing an activity under Dislikes Or Tolerates mean I'd Never engage in Knifeplay, Fireplay, Watersports, Clubbing or Chastity to please a Dom or Master? No. I'd be much more interested in learning why They Like or Love the things they've listed as Loves or Likes - and finding out more about why it turns them on (because it would help me understand what makes them happy. Making them happy really would make me happy). I'd think we'd be able to strike some "common ground" as far as finding things to do that we both had in common (am glad for interst lists in general). But - like I read in a thread yesterday, they are not completely 'definitive' as far as painting a complete picture of someone else. I'd be hoping someone would tell me about a scenario they envision under something I listed under Dislikes or Tolerates; it might be something that would be interesting to try after all - (laughs at the thought of someone making a "pie chart" or Microsoft Visual to enlighten someone else about their "experience" levels at____________(name of activity here) . There is so much to learn. I'd have to know the person more, and they me, to know why they or I have something on a Dislikes or a Tolerates list. Why do they Love It or Like It? Why Do I Like It? Or Dislike It (or think I do)? Talking about that is one place where commmunication I am thinking is vital. As important (to me) as getting to know them as a person ("Vanilla" interests incuded). There are things I have no interest in right now and just didn't check those at all (No Opinion) as a BDSM interest. But - if someone wanted to engage in some of them at some point, why would I be opposed if I completley trusted them? I would not. If I didn't trust them I wouldn't be a submissive (and definitely not a slave, as far as my understanding of what that means entails). - SusanofO

WyrdRich -> RE: When your partner wants to do something squicky... (4/18/2006 9:52:30 PM)
Squicky..... I like the ring of that word.... Catboxes squick me out but I'll clean them when I must. Bugs used to mini-squick me a bit but now it's just routine (and actually fun if it's something I can get with the electric flyswatter). Squicking others by painting a nice mental picture for them is a lifelong hobby. And yes, there is something my wife likes and wants that completely squicks me out. I won't always do it, bad day, bad mood, my tummy is already a bit off, whatever. But when it does happen, I try to set all the squick aside and do my absolute best to satisfy her. Maybe focus my mind on a particular aspect that does work well for me or use the opportunity to bring in something on her squick list (there are advantages to being a switch, hehehe).

Darke -> RE: When your partner wants to do something squicky... (4/18/2006 10:07:25 PM)
At the risk of belaboring the obvious, it seems worth noting that since this is a D/s forum there are really two seperate issues at play with this question: --How do you respond when your partner asks/orders you to do something that you find "unappealing" either for Their pleasure or your punishment (or both) vs --How do you respond when your partner asks/orders you to do something you find "completely untenable"? --In the context of a TPE/slave situation, what happens when the contract is signed, the ink is dry, you have, in theory "made your last decision---to give yourself over" etc....but during the negotion phase you, alas, were not depraved of enough to think that "THAT" would ever even come up as being needed to be said as a "Hard limit"

classykindasassy -> RE: When your partner wants to do something squicky... (4/18/2006 10:11:31 PM)
I like Lucky Albatross's answer. On one hand, ya just gotta say no when you can't do it. Rimming is not a thing I ever see myself doing. But on the other hand, things that were hard limits 3 years ago for me, such as needles and watersports, are now things i do or can imagine doing, respectively.

cillydom -> RE: When your partner wants to do something squicky... (4/18/2006 10:31:18 PM)
On dislikes and hard limits, these are not things that are intrinsic to you but imparted to you by the society and the social structure you grew up in much as your taste in food. And these social mores have changed throughout history. In ancient Greece pedophilia was not a big issue and most thought nothing of it and Greece is the cradle of western tradition and society. Even sex with animals was accepted in certain situations and circumstances in some societies. There is no natural universal law governing the things we like or dislike, they are for the most part social constructs. As I am I love with the why of things more than the what of things, I have to ask just why people have certain things that they feel are hard limits in a d/s context. I am in no way approving or disapproving these limits but just wondering from whence they spring. If something is not hurtful to health or body, why is it a hard limit? To me that is the real question.

SusanofO -> RE: When your partner wants to do something squicky... (4/18/2006 10:31:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Darke At the risk of belaboring the obvious, it seems worth noting that since this is a D/s forum there are really two seperate issues at play with this question: --How do you respond when your partner asks/orders you to do something that you find "unappealing" either for Their pleasure or your punishment (or both) vs --How do you respond when your partner asks/orders you to do something you find "completely untenable"? --In the context of a TPE/slave situation, what happens when the contract is signed, the ink is dry, you have, in theory "made your last decision---to give yourself over" etc....but during the negotion phase you, alas, were not depraved of enough to think that "THAT" would ever even come up as being needed to be said as a "Hard limit" Good Point, Darke. Merely "unnappealing"? I'd like to think I'd just do it anyway. Untenable? I am thinking know why it's important to you (regardless of whether or not you need to give them a reason) as well as find out why they consider it "untenable". People have various reasons for thinking something is completely untenable. Maybe "it" is completely* untenable and will never be otherwise.* *Maybe they'll be with someone who makes them believe what they thought of as untenable is actually nuetral or even somewhat appealing.* It sounds like the TPE/24/7 situation could be, for some people, be a "Catch-22". Of course life holds no guarantees as far as final outcomes, but maybe a way to get through the situation you mention is to "brainstorm" for possibilities together re: Scenarios involving things that "might go wrong" - before even thinking about a TPE 24/7 situation. I am thinking it wouldn't be wise (for me personally) to think about being in a TPE 24/7 situation unless I could consider myself a slave (give myself over completely) vs. a submissive, though. The Master could say: "If I asked you to do ________ would you do it?"(Tell them you want them to be completely honest, and Listen to the answer). If it's conisdered unappealing merely, to me it really holds no bottom-line problem, except for hoping they'd be aware I found it "unappealing". I'd still do it. Untenable to me means "Hard Limit" Why do they consider something untenable? Why not? If it is a "Hard Limit" for them; even though you don't "have t"o have a reason for asking them to do it - you Can ask yourself why you're asking them to do it. Personally, I can say right now that if they LOVE (or even LIKE) Scat or Breathplay, we'd probably be out of luck for good. Maybe find out why they LOVE, or LIKE, or DISLIKE (or think they can only TOLERATE) whatever______(insert name of activity or tendency here). The Submissive or slave could say: "Would you ask me to ______________?" (I tend to believe she isn't saying, simply by asking, that she won't do ______. But rather she's clarifying whether the possibility exists that this person is going to ask her to do something she is under the impression she may not be able to bring herself to do (and they may be reasons well worth considering). I am under the impression many Masters have good reasons for request-demands they make as well. To me talking about it is a way of establishing trust. I like to think I have pretty good "antennae." A person can be fooled by emotions but personally, I hope I'd never "make a last decision" unless I knew them and how I thought their mind worked, pretty well (I pay attention to little things that tell me how someone's mind works). I wish I could explain it better but I have a "gut level" feeling about whether or not I can trust someone - especially after having been around them for awhile. - SusanofO

ownedgirlie -> RE: When your partner wants to do something squicky... (4/18/2006 11:11:58 PM)
Master says squick, and i squick. It's that simple for me.

bignipples2share -> RE: When your partner wants to do something squicky... (4/18/2006 11:57:35 PM)
Wait, let me get a clearer definition of clubbing, I was taking that to mean, going out to clubs. Now I gotta run and see what section it was in that I answered I liked it. I sure don't want some guy coming at me with a club and claiming he's a caveman LOL

SusanofO -> RE: When your partner wants to do something squicky... (4/19/2006 12:41:14 AM)
Ha! Good one (maybe send it in here as a suggestion to add on the BDSM interests lists here?! Or maybe it already fits for some under "Theatrical Scenes" Or "Roleplaying" (he). I see people refer to "Clubbing" and, after a few days here, I take it many mean BDSM Clubbing mostly (going to bdsm clubs). Vs. non-BDSM (aka "vanilla" "bar hopping". Clubbing is listed in the "generic Adventure" section (not the BDSM interests section) so it could, theoretically, mean either one (that's my interpretation of the construction of the Interests section in general, anyway). I'd think it would pay to check w/people, in getting to know them, what "Clubbing" "really means" to them. Some people I think may mean: I'll go to vanilla lounges w/jazz music but not bars w/country dancing or lots of noisy crowds (or whatever. With or without suspension equipment, maybe). Maybe people mean they've completely thought it through and they never want to see the inside of anything that could possibly be construed as a "Club" again. Or maybe they are giving just conveying impression that's not - in general - "their thing". So if you are a real Club "party animal" socially maybe they're saying they're just not. Maybe there is "room for compromise" - or maybe not. Can't hurt to inquire if you're interested in clarification. - SusanofO

twicehappy -> RE: When your partner wants to do something squicky... (4/19/2006 3:55:16 AM)
quote: If your partner (sub, Dom, play, spouse, whatever) is into something that squicks you out, how do you handle that? On the kinky side of things i have been in that position with my previous owner. Provided it was not something that violated my morals/ethics i learned how to handle it irregardless of how i felt about it. I am a slave; it is for me to submit. If the situation arose with my current owners i would respond in the same manner. On the day to day side of it i handle things the same way. Master has two trees he wants to cut down, one because it is slightly diseased. I offered to fix it but he said he already decided to cut it down. Now i do or at least help with anything and everything you can imagine around the house. I told him he could cut down the trees but i would not, could not help as it violates my religion, i am a druid from birth. He sighed yet agreed. Mistress hates bugs, any kind. As her slave she wants me to take care of them. As a druid i take no life without reason, all life has meaning and purpose to me. So we compromise. I clean out spider webs and stuff just taking the offending bus outside to live. I just do not let her see the bugs; we are both happy that way.

Dustyn -> RE: When your partner wants to do something squicky... (4/19/2006 12:22:27 PM)
If you are squcky to a squicky person, are they squicky squicked, or are you squickifying the squickiness of their squickdom. Some words, even made up ones, are fun to play with at times. =) - Dustyn

broadline -> RE: When your partner wants to do something squicky... (4/19/2006 1:04:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cillydom In ancient Greece pedophilia was not a big issue and most thought nothing of it and Greece is the cradle of western tradition and society. What was practised in ancient Greece was pederasty, not pedophilia. There's a difference, and it is important. As to the rest of your post, cultural/moral relativism is so eighties. There are ethical absolutes, no matter to what societal contruct a person might have fallen prey.

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875