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Chastise - what behaviour do you expect? - 8/6/2010 11:17:39 PM   
Hismouse


Posts: 34
Joined: 3/31/2010
Status: offline 		My question is to the Masters of the boards. If you chastise your sub what sort of behaviour do you expect during and after the fact? Subs are more than welcome to answer, I'd appreciate to know how it makes you feel, and what you do afterwards to try and make it up to your Dom/Sir/Master?

I ask, because my Sir has told me I seem to have an attitude of 'yeah whatever, fuck you' :-(
I don't think I do, but then again I do not profess to be right all the time, nor am I perfect, but
am open to learning and trying to do things better, to please him and make him happy.

Hismouse
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Chastise - what behaviour do you expect? - 8/6/2010 11:34:25 PM   
Zevar


Posts: 801
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Hismouse

My question is to the Masters of the boards. If you chastise your sub what sort of behaviour do you expect during and after the fact? Subs are more than welcome to answer, I'd appreciate to know how it makes you feel, and what you do afterwards to try and make it up to your Dom/Sir/Master?

I ask, because my Sir has told me I seem to have an attitude of 'yeah whatever, fuck you' :-(
I don't think I do, but then again I do not profess to be right all the time, nor am I perfect, but
am open to learning and trying to do things better, to please him and make him happy.

Hismouse


If your Sir has told you “I seem to have an attitude of 'yeah whatever, fuck you'“ then you might want to discuss this attitude with him and when doing so perhaps you might discover a solution that works for you and he. After all you did indicate ”am open to learning and trying to do things better, to please him and make him happy.”

Suit up, show up & moreover listen up AND do exactly what you and your Sir discover as the solution to this dilemma you present.

Take good care of you and of course,
Serve well!

(in reply to Hismouse)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Chastise - what behaviour do you expect? - 8/7/2010 3:43:11 AM   
phoenixmoonn13


Posts: 398
Joined: 6/11/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Hismouse

My question is to the Masters of the boards. If you chastise your sub what sort of behaviour do you expect during and after the fact? Subs are more than welcome to answer, I'd appreciate to know how it makes you feel, and what you do afterwards to try and make it up to your Dom/Sir/Master?

I ask, because my Sir has told me I seem to have an attitude of 'yeah whatever, fuck you' :-(
I don't think I do, but then again I do not profess to be right all the time, nor am I perfect, but
am open to learning and trying to do things better, to please him and make him happy.

Hismouse


you need to ask him what you do leads him to think this so you know what you are doing wrong. when i am chastised i feel terrible and will go very calm quiet and it throws me to being even more sub. if we are alone i tend to just kneel quietly next to him and not say a word except to ask if he needs anything. he knows that when he chastises me i feel so bad that he doesnt expect me to make it up to him i need a punishment though or i take a long time to come out of it usually its not being allowed to cum and when i am then the punishment is over and i relax get back to normal. jsut knowing i cant cum is enough for me to desperatly want to so only a day or two is enough to drive me to distraction.

(in reply to Hismouse)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Chastise - what behaviour do you expect? - 8/7/2010 3:47:14 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		i think that someimes it isnt so easy to be pulled up or corrected for something, its possible that youre maybe projecting a defensiveness that he's translating as 'fuck you' - youre not thinking that and so youre having a problem relating to what he says.  but if you think about it, going on the defensive a little to protect the ego is a fairly normal thing.  but in submission it isnt what a Dominant wants to see or feel.

in the past if ive done something wrong and ive been pulled up for it ive listened, accepted the correction to my behaviour and avoided repeating the same error.  if you can accept that its his perspective youre in submission to then simply by listening and not getting defensive about it, not seeing it as a criticism of you, but of youre behaviour and that he is just trying to keep it all on track it might be easier to respond appropriately.

but i dont know, you havent given us much to go on.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to Zevar)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Chastise - what behaviour do you expect? - 8/7/2010 3:49:06 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I suggest that he do the following when you need correction:

1. Discuss what you did and why it concerned him.
2. Administer the punishment.
3. Afterward, hold you, hug you, and tell you that you are forgiven.  And that's it - the slate is wiped clean.

Either you do not feel that you did something wrong, or else you do but you're holding in your feelings.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to phoenixmoonn13)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Chastise - what behaviour do you expect? - 8/7/2010 4:03:34 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		When Master has chastised me I feel awful. I want to do everything I can to correct whatever I did.

I get a lump in my throat and feel as though he just hit me as hard as he could.

It's just an awful awful feeling.



(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Chastise - what behaviour do you expect? - 8/7/2010 4:54:26 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Hismouse

My question is to the Masters of the boards. If you chastise your sub what sort of behaviour do you expect during and after the fact? Subs are more than welcome to answer, I'd appreciate to know how it makes you feel, and what you do afterwards to try and make it up to your Dom/Sir/Master?

I ask, because my Sir has told me I seem to have an attitude of 'yeah whatever, fuck you' :-(
I don't think I do, but then again I do not profess to be right all the time, nor am I perfect, but
am open to learning and trying to do things better, to please him and make him happy.



The price of leadership in a D/s relationship is that there's no-one to check on whether the Dom is functioning as he should or whether he's "slipping" etc. No, that's wrong...! The sub does it by default, usually without realising she's doing it other than maybe getting down on herself for her unexpected behavioural lapses.

Disobedience, hesitation in complying, poor execution, brattiness, disrespect, the dreaded tftb, blah blah blah.... Even the OP's 'yeah whatever, fuck you' as well...! It's all the sub's fault, of course (apparently). Or is it...?

In my infinite generosity, I think the vast majority of submissives want to be the best they can be for their Dominant, so when I feel I'm getting just a little too much attitude from my own girl, I first pull her into line and then I run a "level 3 diagnostic" (stupid Star Trek) of my own recent behaviour. That maybe she's only slipping into bad habits because I'm not captaining a tight ship.

It's easy just to blame the sub and who knows, maybe some are just selfish bitches. But as an advocate of the Power Exchange mantra, it makes sense to me that just as a D/s play dynamic is mutually complementing to D & s alike, so it is that the sub becomes a default litmus for when the Dom isn't functioning at his usual efficiency.

Think about it.... Normally well behaved sub has bouts of unexpected brattiness. Frustrated Dom chastises her and sub is sad and even upset etc. Sub gets down on herself and vows to try harder. But the slips keep happening.... WHY???? Something is missing from the equation. Many say a D/s relationship is symbiotic, but they're usually only referring to the good stuff.

OP, I think you're being a "normal" sub in word and actions.... I think your Sir needs to include his role in your 'yeah whatever, fuck you' attitude.

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to Hismouse)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Chastise - what behaviour do you expect? - 8/7/2010 7:43:11 AM   
MHAP


Posts: 58
Joined: 9/17/2009
Status: offline 		For the most part i concur with the group. communication and open discussion with your master is "key". I have rarely ever had to correct a slave twice. even in extreme cases - I expect - open acceptance of punishment, and correction. if i sense attitude or reluctance, i always talk it out with that slave.

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Chastise - what behaviour do you expect? - 8/7/2010 7:52:59 AM   
texangael


Posts: 167
Joined: 12/14/2009
Status: offline
quote:

If you chastise your sub what sort of behaviour do you expect during and after the fact?
Obedience at a minimum.
Remorse at her misbehavior and repentence are a plus.
Contemplation and reflection on why she's being chastised, and what changes are necessary to avoid the chastisement in the future.


_____________________________

"Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no Try."
Corny movie cliche that just happens to be true.

(in reply to Hismouse)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Chastise - what behaviour do you expect? - 8/7/2010 8:02:19 AM   
texangael


Posts: 167
Joined: 12/14/2009
Status: offline
quote:

I ask, because my Sir has told me I seem to have an attitude of 'yeah whatever, fuck you' :-(
I don't think I do, but then again I do not profess to be right all the time, nor am I perfect, but
am open to learning and trying to do things better, to please him and make him happy.
If this is more or less a direct quote of your Sir then I would suggest the two of you spend some quality time working on your communication.

You are in essence saying he perceives you to have a different demeanor than what you perceive.  That is a disconnect--potentially a significant one.  It warrants further exploration.

Focus makes a good point--Dom and sub behavior are intertwined.  Your reactions are keyed by his actions (and vice versa).  If the reactions are not to everyone's liking it is the actions that everyone must change.


_____________________________

"Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no Try."
Corny movie cliche that just happens to be true.

(in reply to Hismouse)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Chastise - what behaviour do you expect? - 8/7/2010 8:55:17 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		Carol and I don't often find ourselves in a "chastisement" situation, but it does come up. Really, if you were sitting here, what it'd look like to you would be two adults calmly discussing something. Carol has never had a dismissive attitude towards me... not when we were vanilla and not now. That has nothing to do with the collar, it has to do with her loving and respecting me. If Carol knew that I was actually displeased with her, I'd have her rapt and undivided attention. She might possibly be angry at me, but she most certainly would not be dismissive.

Only you can figure out whether you actually are being dismissive of him. If you are, then honestly all is lost and there's nothing you can do. If not, then what's going on is that he is mis-reading body language your throwing. So it's just a basic communication problem. You and he need to talk and figure out exactly what signals he's seeing. After that, you need to minimize those signals and he needs to learn to reinterpret them.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Hismouse)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Chastise - what behaviour do you expect? - 8/7/2010 3:06:52 PM   
aldompdx


Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline 		You can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink. He is deluded if he thinks he has the power to make you change. It is your choice to welcome his preferences into your life.

The question is not whether his feelings are "right." A feeling is what it is. The question is -- what choices are you actually making?

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Chastise - what behaviour do you expect? - 8/7/2010 3:29:20 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Hismouse

I ask, because my Sir has told me I seem to have an attitude of 'yeah whatever, fuck you' :-(
I don't think I do, but then again I do not profess to be right all the time, nor am I perfect, but
am open to learning and trying to do things better, to please him and make him happy.



Chastisement reminds of me things I did with my daughter. I'm direct and I address behavior that falls outside of my directives and/or expectations.

However, merely saying you did this without providing concrete examples isn't helpful. It isn't a lecture and the conversation is participatory. What was the individual thinking/feeling when this took place? I'm looking for the catalyst for the infraction because that's what needs correcting. I look for patterns as well. Is this a random occurrence or something I've seen developing over a period of time. Communication is key and merely approaching the situation from an accusatory standpoint isn't effective in my opinion.

I don't readily assume the behavior is intentional or indicative of willfulness without something to substantiate that upon. Guesstimating without feedback usually leads to fingerpointing even if the submissive never shares their thoughts. That isn't an environment I want to cultivate. The goal is addressing the problem and moving beyond it to allow a different reaction/behavior next time. I view this as more conditioning and less related to discipline. The latter would entail repeated offenses that take place once I've impressed my standard.

~porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to Hismouse)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Chastise - what behaviour do you expect? - 8/7/2010 4:08:01 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		Perhaps you should ask him to show you - as in act out - what he sees you doing after being chastised. Then you could see specifically what you are doing that he is objecting to.

I am a very concrete person - unless i know exactly what he is referring to i can't change a behaviour. For instance, my ex-h. would say that i wasn't being supportive enough - which told me absolutely nothing. I had no clue what to change because the sentence meant nothing to me.

If i had something visual to see, it was easier for me to understand the comment.

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Chastise - what behaviour do you expect? - 8/7/2010 4:49:12 PM   
reynardfox


Posts: 417
Joined: 9/8/2009
Status: offline 		Why not ask him? Hoiw do we know what he wants? Isn't that your problem?

(in reply to Hismouse)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Chastise - what behaviour do you expect? - 8/8/2010 1:10:22 AM   
Hismouse


Posts: 34
Joined: 3/31/2010
Status: offline 		Same here phoenix, I too feel terrible, and that's me, I go quiet, and yes I get the same punishment that you do. He asked me if I used to suck up to my parents when I was kid when I was in trouble, but we did not do that in our house, it was a case of be seen and not heard when we were trouble. So sucking up after being in trouble is a whole new world to me, to me it is being manipulative, and that is not part of my nature, so another tough one, it's a learning curve, but not a bad one.
Thank you for your answer
mouse

quote:

ORIGINAL: phoenixmoonn13

you need to ask him what you do leads him to think this so you know what you are doing wrong. when i am chastised i feel terrible and will go very calm quiet and it throws me to being even more sub. if we are alone i tend to just kneel quietly next to him and not say a word except to ask if he needs anything. he knows that when he chastises me i feel so bad that he doesnt expect me to make it up to him i need a punishment though or i take a long time to come out of it usually its not being allowed to cum and when i am then the punishment is over and i relax get back to normal. jsut knowing i cant cum is enough for me to desperatly want to so only a day or two is enough to drive me to distraction.

(in reply to phoenixmoonn13)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Chastise - what behaviour do you expect? - 8/8/2010 1:20:51 AM   
Hismouse


Posts: 34
Joined: 3/31/2010
Status: offline 		lally I think you may be right, I think it is a defensiveness, and yes it is the protective bubble that comes around me, the ego, the hurt, and no that is not what he wants to see, he has said as much, it is not a trait he finds becoming of his sub. I think I accept the correction (in my own way), but I know I also tend to repeat certain behaviour's, and that transends as not listening in the first place.

Not sure of what other information you were after. Our history is, we were living together 24/7 things went south, for various reasons, we had a short break, He now lives in His house and I live in mine, but I spend most of my time at his. We have been together nearly 2 years. Have I always had this problem, He say's not in the first six months, and then He say's I did.

Thanks for the advise, I appreciate it, I've read many of the posts over a long period of time (god I sound like a stalker) :-) I know you have your own struggles, and that helps me identify with what your saying.

mouse
quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

i think that someimes it isnt so easy to be pulled up or corrected for something, its possible that youre maybe projecting a defensiveness that he's translating as 'fuck you' - youre not thinking that and so youre having a problem relating to what he says.  but if you think about it, going on the defensive a little to protect the ego is a fairly normal thing.  but in submission it isnt what a Dominant wants to see or feel.

in the past if ive done something wrong and ive been pulled up for it ive listened, accepted the correction to my behaviour and avoided repeating the same error.  if you can accept that its his perspective youre in submission to then simply by listening and not getting defensive about it, not seeing it as a criticism of you, but of youre behaviour and that he is just trying to keep it all on track it might be easier to respond appropriately.

but i dont know, you havent given us much to go on.

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Chastise - what behaviour do you expect? - 8/8/2010 1:22:27 AM   
Hismouse


Posts: 34
Joined: 3/31/2010
Status: offline 		Thanks DarkSteven,
He does just that, it would seem I am the one with the attitude, so it is I who needs to work on that :-)

mouse
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I suggest that he do the following when you need correction:

1. Discuss what you did and why it concerned him.
2. Administer the punishment.
3. Afterward, hold you, hug you, and tell you that you are forgiven.  And that's it - the slate is wiped clean.

Either you do not feel that you did something wrong, or else you do but you're holding in your feelings.


(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Chastise - what behaviour do you expect? - 8/8/2010 1:25:18 AM   
Hismouse


Posts: 34
Joined: 3/31/2010
Status: offline 		Same littlewonder, now if only I could place his hand on me and he could feel my feelings, then that would be wonderful, but all others have to go on is actions and words, as I tend to go quiet and don't have much to say during or after, I think this concerns him, and often I need to time to digest before I speak.

mouse
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

When Master has chastised me I feel awful. I want to do everything I can to correct whatever I did.

I get a lump in my throat and feel as though he just hit me as hard as he could.

It's just an awful awful feeling.




(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Chastise - what behaviour do you expect? - 8/8/2010 1:30:35 AM   
Hismouse


Posts: 34
Joined: 3/31/2010
Status: offline 		Thanks Focus, makes sense to me :-) He has actually said that maybe he has been slow to chastise, and let me get away with things in the past, so he has accepted some of the blame. I Hate it when I get it/things wrong, I am my own worst enemy.

Like the moe by the way :-)

mouse
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

The price of leadership in a D/s relationship is that there's no-one to check on whether the Dom is functioning as he should or whether he's "slipping" etc. No, that's wrong...! The sub does it by default, usually without realising she's doing it other than maybe getting down on herself for her unexpected behavioural lapses.

Disobedience, hesitation in complying, poor execution, brattiness, disrespect, the dreaded tftb, blah blah blah.... Even the OP's 'yeah whatever, fuck you' as well...! It's all the sub's fault, of course (apparently). Or is it...?

In my infinite generosity, I think the vast majority of submissives want to be the best they can be for their Dominant, so when I feel I'm getting just a little too much attitude from my own girl, I first pull her into line and then I run a "level 3 diagnostic" (stupid Star Trek) of my own recent behaviour. That maybe she's only slipping into bad habits because I'm not captaining a tight ship.

It's easy just to blame the sub and who knows, maybe some are just selfish bitches. But as an advocate of the Power Exchange mantra, it makes sense to me that just as a D/s play dynamic is mutually complementing to D & s alike, so it is that the sub becomes a default litmus for when the Dom isn't functioning at his usual efficiency.

Think about it.... Normally well behaved sub has bouts of unexpected brattiness. Frustrated Dom chastises her and sub is sad and even upset etc. Sub gets down on herself and vows to try harder. But the slips keep happening.... WHY???? Something is missing from the equation. Many say a D/s relationship is symbiotic, but they're usually only referring to the good stuff.

OP, I think you're being a "normal" sub in word and actions.... I think your Sir needs to include his role in your 'yeah whatever, fuck you' attitude.

Focus.

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 20
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