quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

nope it isnt just you

im the same.  i kinda 'accidentally' asked for something a while back, which is totally not me and His response was 'Hell Yeah!!' - so im thinking - if youre M wants you to ask then he maybe needs to be aware that each time you do ask he responds with encouragement and enthusiasm.

if all he does is shrug and say 'maybe tomorrow' thats going to make youre awkwardness in asking far worse and hold you back even more the next time.

in the end, as a sub, asking for something feels kinda wrong, i know.  the feeling is that it isnt about you its about what he wants and if youre asking for what you want then maybe youre asking for something he'd rather not do and that would feel totally wrong.  so you hold back.  or its about pushing youre needs at him and you dont want to do that either.

but, if he has asked its actually because he probably sees it as you submitting youre need to him, asking him to take care of that need and in doing so he will get a great deal of pleasure in providing that need.  its all in the act of you submitting youre need.  if you think about it like that it isnt so squicky.

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ORIGINAL: littlewonder


Maybe he could try withholding lots of things from you until you're desperate enough to ask for things and it starts to get easier.

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ORIGINAL: leadership527

Carol struggles also. Particularly, for her, is the problem of imposing on me (or anyone else for that matter *laughs*). So Carol would have no issue asking for something that had no down-side for me. But if she really wanted to go to Thai dinner and she knows I hate Thai, then she'll struggle.

I deal with this in a few ways.

a) I think of it as my job to know her. That means it's my job to know when that she likes Thai. It's my job to know when the last time we went to Thai food was. And it's my job to make sure such things get scheduled in appropriately from time to time.

b) I remind her constantly that she's off the hook. As my slave rather than my wife, she cannot impose on me. The only thing she can do is provide me information... in this case that she's jonesing for Thai food. That data gets filtered into my overall planning and decision making process, but in the end, it won't be her that imposes on me. That's MY choice.

c) I remind her constantly that the way we run our marriage is dangerous and it's really important that me, the guy trying to steer the ship, gets good, solid information about upcoming hazards like dangerously low levels of thai food *grins*

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ORIGINAL: phoenixmoonn13

i dont always get what i ask for but he likes to know what i like or would like to do , he says its ok to just say it so its not a problem with disapproval i just feel its asking for something for me and it may not be right time for him so it throws a switch in my brain that keeps going over the pending scenario and in the end i just freeze.

quote:

ORIGINAL: phoenixmoonn13
Master sees it very similar and yes although he knows me very well still likes the asking thing. i am jsut so glad i dont struggle alone here. and how you phrase point c i need to take that in as its important for us to.

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ORIGINAL: phoenixmoonn13

the cant say sorry question got me thinking to ask you all here about asking for things. i have a terrible time asking for things i know its from childhood and master is very understanding and knows its an issue for me, but i really want to be able to just come out and say this may this girl be allowed to play tonight or something similar, i build the question up in my head then can never say it or if i do only say a tiny amount of what i intend to ask for. i dont always get what i ask for but he likes to know what i like or would like to do , he says its ok to just say it so its not a problem with disapproval i just feel its asking for something for me and it may not be right time for him so it throws a switch in my brain that keeps going over the pending scenario and in the end i just freeze.

i was wondering how others find this or is it just me

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ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: phoenixmoonn13
Master sees it very similar and yes although he knows me very well still likes the asking thing. i am jsut so glad i dont struggle alone here. and how you phrase point c i need to take that in as its important for us to.

Glad I could help. So you know, point c is SO important to me that at one point long ago when we were new to this, I told her I'd call the entire M/s thing off if she couldn't learn to speak up. From my standpoint, I wield WAY THE HELL TOO MUCH authority over her to not have good, solid information. My analogy to her is that we're barreling down a twisty country road at high rates of speed in a car which I'm driving. I do NOT want her covering up half the windshield.

Other than direct disobedience, that is the only thing i have ever said flat out would be a deal-breaker, hard-lmit for me. Perhaps understanding how urgently I see the topic will spur you to rethink your urgency level on it.

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ORIGINAL: Focus50

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ORIGINAL: phoenixmoonn13

the cant say sorry question got me thinking to ask you all here about asking for things. i have a terrible time asking for things i know its from childhood and master is very understanding and knows its an issue for me, but i really want to be able to just come out and say this may this girl be allowed to play tonight or something similar, i build the question up in my head then can never say it or if i do only say a tiny amount of what i intend to ask for. i dont always get what i ask for but he likes to know what i like or would like to do , he says its ok to just say it so its not a problem with disapproval i just feel its asking for something for me and it may not be right time for him so it throws a switch in my brain that keeps going over the pending scenario and in the end i just freeze.

i was wondering how others find this or is it just me

This is one of the hardest topics to resolve and why I'm glad I'm not a sub.

It's easy for a Dom.... I tell her that I can't read minds etc so if she wants something, just ask. And as long as she asks respectfully, the vast majority of times she'll get a 'yes'. Easy...!

But after a bit of experience and knowledge of the general submissive mindset, I've come to realise how uncomfortable it is for a submissve to be empowered this way. I've resolved this (sorta) by saying she can still or always ask etc, but that I'm much better at reading body language than minds. So if she wants to initiate some intimate action, good ol feminine wiles generally gets my attention, too.

It's just that she might not get 'yes' as often. Feminine wiles is borderline manipulation and I might wanna screw with her head first for 'asking' this way. So I get 'action' anyway.... lol

Focus.

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ORIGINAL: leadership527

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ORIGINAL: phoenixmoonn13
Master sees it very similar and yes although he knows me very well still likes the asking thing. i am jsut so glad i dont struggle alone here. and how you phrase point c i need to take that in as its important for us to.

Glad I could help. So you know, point c is SO important to me that at one point long ago when we were new to this, I told her I'd call the entire M/s thing off if she couldn't learn to speak up. From my standpoint, I wield WAY THE HELL TOO MUCH authority over her to not have good, solid information. My analogy to her is that we're barreling down a twisty country road at high rates of speed in a car which I'm driving. I do NOT want her covering up half the windshield.

Other than direct disobedience, that is the only thing i have ever said flat out would be a deal-breaker, hard-lmit for me. Perhaps understanding how urgently I see the topic will spur you to rethink your urgency level on it.

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ORIGINAL: justagirlinzh
Both your posts were eye-opening, especially this analogy.